Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians
Page 21
Corey: How much freedom do you have for improv?
Bruce Vilanch: There’s a number in the second act, a vaudeville number, a duet between the father and the mother. I get to break the fourth wall at that point and throw in a couple of ad-libs. Usually I do something that’s happening in that town.
Corey: Are you enjoying being on the road?
Bruce: Yes, I am. Chicago is not cold enough so we’re going to Minneapolis. It will be balmy in St. Louis by the time we get there. I’ll be strolling through the Central West End in my tube top.
Corey: Is this your first attempt at this type of drag?
Bruce: There hasn’t been much call for a bearded lady. I had a beard for 32 years. I did do a show about 15 years ago. We sold a series to NBC called ‘Cheech,’ starring Cheech Marin. I played a character called Luella Fella. She was a society columnist with a hormone problem.
Corey: Was there any talk of scarves or anything so you wouldn’t have to shave it off for ‘Hairspray?’
Bruce: I pitched it. I said we could make her a bearded lady, and they said, ‘That’s too John Waters.’ The audience is making a big buy that it’s a man playing a woman to begin with and you can’t ask them to make too big a buy. Let’s not ask them to take out a second mortgage.
Corey: How would you describe your vocal style as Edna?
Bruce: It’s kind of like the Queen Mary talking. It’s foghorn; it’s loud. It’s Ethel Merman with congestion.
Corey: She has some very interesting costumes. How quick are the changes?
Bruce: One of them is actually 45 seconds. It’s a huge change. She goes from drudge to glamour girl in 45 seconds. It’s an extreme, extreme makeover.
Corey: Because you’re on the road this year, are you sitting the Oscars out?
Bruce: I may send in a joke or two, but you have to be there. You have to be there when they’re developing the stuff, and we’re working so I have to sit this one out. Had I known the girl from ‘Whale Rider’ was going to be nominated, there’s so many whale jokes. Between the whales, the hobbits and the serial killers … a serial killer hooker, who could resist that?
Corey: Why shave your beard on ‘Regis and Kelly?’
Bruce: I was afraid to do it alone in my own bathroom. I was afraid if I shaved after 32 years and didn’t like what I saw, I’d kill myself. I knew if I went on Regis Philbin, I wouldn’t kill myself, because who would give him ratings like that? It would be a bigger TiVo moment than Janet Jackson. Well, I’d have to show a breast and kill myself. I decided it would be more fun to do it on national television because if I looked horrible, I could have a breakdown.
Corey: What did you think when you saw yourself in the mirror?
Bruce: I thought, ‘My God, I have all those jowls.’ I thought because I had a beard, I was a thin-faced person. Then I shaved and realized it was Alfred Hitchcock under there. Who knew I had all those? I was stunned.
Corey: What kind of reactions have you gotten from your friends?
Bruce: They love it. They think I look younger. I guess I do, but I also look like I have a face like a canned ham. It’s exactly the shape of a canned ham.
Corey: Are you planning on growing it back?
Bruce: I don’t know. It’s not like I’m in love with shaving. I have no plans one way or the other. Maybe I’ll pierce something instead.
Corey: You were a head writer on the infamous “Star Wars Holiday Special,” which only aired once. What do you remember about the filming?
Bruce: Had I known I’d still be talking about this piece of shit 30 years later, I’d have payed closer attention. I said to George Lucas at the time, ‘You’ve chosen as your lead characters these creatures that sound like fat people having an orgasm. It’s hard to write for someone who goes (dead-on Wookie impression).’ He just kind of smiled and walked away.
Corey: Bette Midler was here with her show in December. How much were you involved in the writing for this tour?
Bruce: We were working on it for like six months. When she went into rehearsal, I was in rehearsal. From there, it went to cyber: telephone, faxes and e-mails—things like that.
Corey: Does she still get with you?
Bruce: Yeah, we talk almost every day, adding new stuff.
Corey: How do you bill someone like that?
Bruce: A pound of flesh. I use the old Shakespearean method.
Corey: How many A-list people carry around your number in their cell phones?
Bruce: Not as many as C-list people. My name is in some of the more sinister rolodexes in the world.
Corey: Have things changed for you as a joke writer as you’ve become more famous yourself?
Bruce: I do less of it now because I’m busy working on my own stuff. I have a library of friends who ask and call me. Mostly now, it’s on a favor basis. I’m happy to do that, especially since I’m making a weekly paycheck.
Corey: I love you in ‘The Ice Pirates,’ where you play just a head.
Bruce: You and Ted Turner. He shows it on one of his 400 channels at least once a month—can’t escape it. Every now and again I get a call from Angelica Huston saying, ‘How can we stop him?’
Corey: What kind of direction did you get to play just a head?
Bruce: Mostly it was, ‘Hold still.’ I was supposed to be a disembodied head, so a lot of it was ‘Hold still, because this is not your body.’ The body was not allowed to move a whole lot. Acting is all in the face anyway. Isn’t that what Norma Desmond said? ‘All in the face.’
Corey: Any long-term projects coming up?
Bruce: I’m writing a novel, so we’ll see what happens with that. There are a couple things that are gestating, but if I talk about them too much, they’ll never get born. I’ll remain pregnant forever—which is what I look like.
Mo’Nique
Before she won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for playing an abusive mama in “Precious,” she played a crack ho’ named Precious in the little-seen film “Shadowboxer.”
Queen of Comedy Mo’Nique was a riot in “The Parkers,” a rare hit sitcom starring plus-size ladies. My partner, Kendall, is a huge fan of that show, and he was a little shocked when I introduced him to Mo’Nique’s raw, sexually-charged stand-up.
It was in a comedy special recorded at a women’s prison that got us both teary-eyed, though. And I was pleased to discover that Mommyhood did not soften this queen of comedy.
Corey: Are you a morning person, typically?
Mo’Nique: With twins you have to be a 24-hour person. I don’t even give myself a time no more. The sun is out; it must be daytime. OK, I’m gonna go wit’ it.
Corey: How old are your twin boys?
Mo’Nique: 11 months.
Corey: Oh, goodness. They’re keeping you pretty busy I imagine.
Mo’Nique: Baby! Oh my goodness, last night I think they were really trying me. One would go to sleep; one would wake up. One would go to sleep; one would wake up. Then they both woke up and just looked at me like, ‘We’re here.’ I’m like, ‘OK, you know I got to do an interview in the morning.’ They were like, ‘We don’t care. We want to play.’ I’m a 24-hour person, Corey.
Corey: How is it juggling a career like yours with two babies at home?
Mo’Nique: You know what, my husband, their dad, is incredible. We have two wonderful nanas. It’s such a wonderful team; everybody knows their position. For me, I was really blessed and very lucky that I don’t have that problem.
Corey: Is your stand-up material starting to change now that you’re a mom?
Mo’Nique: Oh my God, is it? I talk a lot about them, because in my stand-up, I only talk about what’s real to me. I don’t know how to tell jokes, but let me tell you all what’s going on in my life. That’s my therapy.
Corey: That’s working out for you?
Mo’Nique: Oh, my God. I’ve never had to pay somebody. ‘How much you want to charge me to tell you what’s happenin’? Uh uh. Nope, I’m gonna go to the stage.’
Mo’Nique: From day one I’ve never had to worry about that. Often in Hollywood, they don’t know what they want. Like the movie ‘Shadowboxer’ I did, that character was designed for a white woman, 22, with big boobs. Now baby, when they said, ‘Action,’ it was a black woman, 38, with size B cups. I don’t know how that happened, Corey.
Corey: You did a stint co-hosting ‘The View,’ while they were running through some people. If they offered you that full-time gig, would you take it?
Mo’Nique: I would have an absolute ball, but I don’t think they would offer that to me.
Corey: Why do you think that?
Mo’Nique: I think that the personalities are just too big. So many personalities, and they’re so very strong. The time I did do it, it was like, ‘Wow, the personalities are really big there.’
Corey: I would imagine it would be a pretty big competition just to get your voice heard.
Mo’Nique: Well, Core, you know I’m gonna get my voice heard. I don’t give a damn; I’m gonna say it. That’s why I don’t think they’re gonna invite me back, because I kept saying what I had to say. You’re not gonna cut me off, sugar, I’m gonna say it.
Corey: Did it give you enough of a taste that you’d like to do your own talk show someday?
Mo’Nique: I can’t wait to do my own talk show. And I know it’s going to happen when it’s supposed to. I love to talk, Corey. I’ve got a lot of stuff I want to talk about. So that day will come.
Corey: My partner is still a big fan of ‘The Parkers,’ and he Tivos it every day.
Mo’Nique: I love him.
Corey: A few months ago I said, ‘Let me introduce you to Mo’Nique’s stand up,’ because he had never seen ‘The Queens of Comedy.’ He was a little surprised how frank you are when you talk about sex.
Mo’Nique: Oh yeah, Miss Parker and Mo’Nique, two different people, baby. I’ve had people when I first started ‘The Parkers’ that were introduced to me from ‘The Parkers’ and not my stand-up. So when I would come to the city to do the show, they would come in thinking they were gonna see Miss Parker. But I would start off with, ‘Listen, I appreciate you all watchin’ the show, but Miss Parker, that bitch is not here. Mo’Nique is here. So let’s be clear, because I don’t want nobody walkin’ away saying, “Oh, my God. What is happening?”’
Corey: Now that you’ve got babies at home, are you still talking about sex on stage?
Mo’Nique: Of course, that’s how they got here. I’m not the Virgin Mary, baby, I can promise you that. It wasn’t like, ‘Oh, my God, I’m pregnant.’ ‘Well girl, how did that happen?’ ‘I don’t know. I just woke up one morning …’ No. No, indeed.
Corey: How would you describe your fans?
Mo’Nique: Wow. Loyal. Very loyal. Trusting. I trust them that they’ll trust me. I love my family, and those fans are my family. With my family, they allow me to live a certain way, and I love them for that. I take not one single one for granted, and I never understood when you have some celebrities, ‘Oh, I don’t sign autographs’ or ‘I don’t take pictures.’ Well dummy, that’s your boss. That’s who you work for. I love them.
Corey: What do you do for yourself that makes you feel good?
Mo’Nique: Wake up. That’s it. Wake up, Corey, because this could be different. I didn’t have to wake up this morning, but I don’t know where I would have woke up at! I hope to God I would have woke up at the good place. ‘Hey Lord!’ Just for me, every day it’s like I’m thankful for another day, and after that it’s gravy.
Corey: Do you have any routine or traditions that you do before you go onstage?
Mo’Nique: I shake. I shake and I pray. And I get those butterflies, baby. As they’re calling my name I think I’m gonna pass out. Like, oh, my God, it’s me.
Corey: Who do you think right now is sexy as hell?
Mo’Nique: Me. Naw. (laughs) My husband. My husband is so, Corey, and here’s the thing, I’ve known him since I was 14. We’ve been best friends since we were 14 years old. Back then I was like, ‘Eww.’ Now it’s like, ‘Wow.’ Like he is just, mmm, yeah. You had a Hershey bar with the almonds?
Corey: Yeah.
Mo’Nique: Oh baby, that’s what it is. That’s what it is.
Corey: What is your favorite body part?
Mo’Nique: I would have to say my calves.
Corey: They treat you pretty good?
Mo’Nique: Yeah because I mountain climb. And they’re getting really, really thick and sexy. I like to put my heels on and look at ’em. (laughs) Is that vain, Corey?
Corey: No.
Mo’Nique: I put my heels on and look at ’em in the bathroom, naked.
Corey: What’s the most diva-like thing about you?
Mo’Nique: The most diva thing is I will be furious if there’s not Buffalo wings and blue cheese in my dressing room because I don’t ask for a lot, Corey. I just want some Buffalo wings and blue cheese—the flat pieces, real saucy. That’s what’s on my rider. Some people got crazy riders, like a case of Moet. All I want is the Buffalo wings and blue cheese, that’s it.
Corey: Do you think the ‘Fabulous and Thick’ thing works for men, too?
Mo’Nique: Oh, my God, yes. See, here’s the thing. Everybody is saying that America is overweight, right? America is. Well, Americans live in America, and there are a lot of men that live in America that are Americans that are F-A-T. Yeah, it works for men, too.
Corey: I would imagine the audience at the Apollo would be one of the more intimidating in the world. What was that like the first time you got onstage there?
Mo’Nique: The first time I got onstage there, I was performing as an act. I wasn’t hosting. The Apollo around the world is known for being the most-notorious audience ever. But, there’s no gray area with that audience. Either they love you, or they don’t. And I was just fortunate enough to be on the love side. As the host of the Apollo, it was one of the most incredible things I have ever done. Because you really get the sense and you understand; like I’m on the stage with some of the greatest performers ever. And when you touch that log, that’s very real for me.
Corey: You’ve had some very interesting character names like, Precious, Peaches and Jamequa. Which would you take on if you had to pick?
Mo’Nique: Out of those three? Precious. Yeah, Precious was a crack head, but she was a very sexy crack head. She was a gorgeous crack head, baby. Precious was something else.
Corey: If you’ve got to be a crack head, you might as well be gorgeous.
Mo’Nique: Thank you, and be named Precious. One thing you can do when you see a crack head is say, ‘Hey, she’s Precious. Look at her. That’s just Precious. Somebody help her.’
Corey: Is there any chance of a ‘Parkers’ reunion down the line?
Mo’Nique: I hope so. There’s been no talk about that. I hope so because that show was groundbreaking. It’s historical. We knew we were making history when they put all of us together, because when you look at ‘The Parkers,’ there are three big women on that show: myself, Countess Vaughn and Yvette Wilson. We were all shown in a very sexy, attractive look. I really hope so.
Corey: Did you watch Countess Vaughn when she was on ‘Celebrity Fit Club?’
Mo’Nique: Just the first time and I couldn’t watch it anymore. I don’t care for that show. I think we as fat people, we have been beaten down by society so much, then you go on a show, and you get so publicly humiliated. And I think it’s that mindset, we beat ’em down, let’s build ’em up. We grown-ass people. You can’t beat me down. What are you doing? I watched it when Angie Stone was on there because that’s my friend. And I was sitting there crying with her. You don’t have to do that to yourself, baby. If you give yourself an hour every day dedicated to your health, you’ll be fine. We’re not gonna be small people. Our bones ar
e big. I’ve got size 20 bones. I can’t be size 12 because my bones would stick out my neck. And my head is too big. Big girls have got to be careful when they lose that weight drastically. They look like the bobbleheads, because you don’t lose weight in your head.
Corey: Does your brother think you owe him for getting you on the stand-up that first time?
Mo’Nique: I wouldn’t say I owe him. I do, because he was so bad and that’s what made me get onstage. I’m glad he was bad, because I don’t know what would have happened if he had been good! I’m glad they booed him.