Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians

by Corey Andrew

  Margaret: I think so. You’ve got to find something in the tragic that will help you survive it.

  Corey: Amidst the new CD and ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ you’re launching a huge tour as well. How are you juggling learning all the new dance steps and smelling like pee and touring?

  Margaret: (laughs) It’s gross but usually everybody that lives on a tour bus smells like pee all the time anyway. But what is gross is the amount of sweating that is happening. My partner is coming on the road with me. We’re rehearsing in parking lots and the backs of these venues I’m playing. It may be a disadvantage because we’re on the road, but it may be an advantage because we spend more time together than anybody else.

  Corey: Depending on how far you go on the show, you could be doing a lot of your stand-up dates in between ‘DWTS’ performance shows. Are you gonna wear the same costumes to both?

  Margaret: I don’t know if we’re allowed to leave with them. They’re real fancy. It’s all super-spangly and bejeweled. I don’t think we’re allowed to take them off the lot.

  Corey: How much of the music is in the tour?

  Margaret: It’s not a huge part of it. I spent so much time writing new comedy that I can’t wait to do it. That’s my comfort zone, being a stand-up comic. There will be some songs in there. There are a few I’m gonna sing. In general, it’s a stand-up comedy show.

  Corey: Is there a theme to this show?

  Margaret: There’s a lot of my family history in this show, which I haven’t really talked about before. It’s fascinating. I talk about my parents coming to America and immigration and my grandparents and really how we came to this country. I’m excited about that.

  Corey: You’ve been doing comedy for more than 20 years. What have you learned about yourself as your comedy has evolved?

  Margaret: I think I’ve really understood that I’m supposed to do this. This is the job I was supposed to do. I can take a slightly different route to get there. Like this CD, it’s still a comedy CD. There are different ways to present yourself as an artist, but you can still be a sense of the same artist.

  Corey: The music was very successful. Would you consider doing a straight-up music CD?

  Margaret: I wanna do a really inaccessible jazz CD. Just real, what the fuck? Mostly noise and maybe some Norwegian black metal in there. Last week I tried to read as many heavy metal autobiographies as I could. I started with ‘The Heroin Diaries,’ then I read Slash’s book then Steven Adler’s. Now I’m on Tommy Lee. It’s like I’m trying to understand hair metal so I can see how I can collaborate with those guys. I’ve never really listened to metal but I’d like to try. To me that is like the original comedy music because that is like Spinal Tap. That’s the first time we thought of comedy as really good music. I don’t think I could ever separate my comedy from my music. I do have a few songs. I wrote one that didn’t make it on the album, which is like a white trash ‘Candle in the Wind’ for Anna Nicole Smith, because she was a friend of mine. But it makes people cry. Maybe that’s not the right thing. It’s funny but if you knew the story behind it, it’s really a tragic story.

  Corey: Is it possible to rent a turd costume or do you have to have them built?

  Margaret: No, we built them. My husband actually built them. They’re amazing. What I’m gonna do for my next album, I’m gonna do a house cover of Diana Ross’ ‘I’m Coming Out,’ with a turd costume on. (sings) ‘I’m comin’ out! I want the world to know.’ It’s so gross. We need to use those turd costumes again; they’re so disgusting. He made them from photographs of our dog’s turds. He blew them up with really hi-res on the computer. They’re Styrofoam and they’re very sturdy. It’s funny, they’re all in a pile in my house in the corner and the dogs are looking them like, ‘What dog’s that from?’

  Corey: Have you added to the achievements that your ‘Puss’ has gotten since the recording of that song?

  Margaret: My puss, it’s tight like a paper cut and your puss is fishy like a halibut.

  Corey: Wow.

  Margaret: That’s a very good battle rhyme.

  Corey: What is your favorite dirty joke?

  Margaret: It’s Dolemite’s dirty joke. It’s a long one. There’s two guys watching a girl across the street and her skirt flies up and they argue, was she wearing black panties or was it hair? They pay a bum to go across the street to look under her dress. He goes across the street and he comes back and goes, ‘That was not panties which graced your eyes. Neither was it hair between her thighs. What it was may shock you or you may be surprised. But under that dress was a bunch of flies.’

  It’s like the poetic verse of Dolemite.

  Corey: Rudy Ray Moore, rest in peace.

  Margaret: Yeah, that’s my favorite dirty joke of all time.

  Corey: What do your parents think of the dancing and the music?

  Margaret: They’re very excited. We actually wrote a song together. My parents are both musicians. They sing and my father’s a pianist and my mother’s a great guitarist. We’re gonna record a song which is kind of a duet between myself and them. It’s our take of ‘She’s Leaving Home’ by The Beatles. It’s one of our favorite songs collectively. It’s kind of a mini-opera. That will be for the next album.

  Nick Swardson

  On a long road trip to Atlanta, my buddy Jason and I cracked up over and over listening to Nick Swardson’s “Gay Robot” sketch on an old Adam Sandler comedy album. And I was always pickled tink by his turns as hustler Terry in “Reno 911!”

  So, it was with a mild surprise that I discovered that Nick is only gay for pay—as an actor, of course.

  Nick Swardson: What’s up, dude?

  Corey: I heard what was probably the original Gay Robot sketch that was on an Adam Sandler CD some years back.

  Nick: Yeah, totally. When I did that sketch, Adam said, ‘This could be a TV show,’ and I said, ‘Really?’ and he kept planting that seed in my head until finally I thought about it, like, ‘Fuck, yeah.’

  Corey: Where do you see Gay Robot going in the future?

  Nick: We’re doing an animated show for Comedy Central right now with Gay Robot, and then who knows? If it’s a hit, it could be a movie. He could run for President.

  Corey: Where did you come up with the voice?

  Nick: I always did that voice around the office, kind of as a joke. I would be like, ‘What’s up guys? Sweet.’ Everybody would laugh. Then Adam was like, ‘I’m doing another album if anybody has any characters or anything.’ I didn’t really have anything, but I thought of that voice. What the fuck is that voice? It sounds like a gay robot. I sat down and wrote the sketch, and Adam loved it.

  Corey: I had a chance to listen to your new CD, and I noticed on the cover that you have an outee.

  Nick: Yeah. It’s not too bad. It’s in the middle, like a medium. I always end up with my shirt off anyway so I might as well do it on the CD.

  Corey: Do you think it has helped or hurt you in Hollywood?

  Nick: You gotta show skin to get ahead in this town.

  Corey: You talk about aging and what it’s like to get older. Now that you’re in your 30s, have you thought about what you’re going to be like when you get older?

  Nick: I can’t decide if I’m gonna get more and more filthy, and then by the time I’m 50, I’ll like do a 180 and then go on the decline and then by the time I’m 90, I’ll be the sweetest, most angelic person. Or if I’m just gonna rage and end up being a giant turd by the time I’m 90. Just a filthy, booze-ridden turd.

  Corey: Do you think you’re more filthy now than you were 10 years ago?

  Nick: It’s kind of controlled filth. It’s filthy, but I know what I’m doing now, but it is filthier. It’s almost like a super power—like I know how to use it for good.

  Corey: I know it’s harder when you’re in your 30s to party. What’s your partying schedule like these days?

  Nick: I’m only 30 so I’m not stressing out. I haven’t had any problems. I’m still maintaining
very well. I subscribe to the Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra thing. I’m always gonna drink. They set the bar very well. It’s completely legitimate to be belligerently drunk into your 60s. I’m still extremely young so I’m not in any way concerned. I don’t even think I’ve hit my peak yet.

  Corey: So you can bounce back in the mornings?

  Nick: Drinking is all how you do it. You don’t just drink one night and the next morning you feel awful. You’ve got to keep drinking like four nights, and then by the fifth morning you don’t even get hung over. You get like an anxiety, but you’re fine.

  Corey: Or the shakes or something.

  Nick: Or something, right.

  Corey: Have you added any more words to your vocabulary since the recording of the CD?

  Nick: No, not one word. I have completely dropped off. I think my vocabulary is done. I am done. I have punched out.

  Corey: How do you balance your time between film and TV work and stand-up?

  Nick: I have no idea. My friend pointed that out the other day. He’s like, ‘What are you doing?’ ‘I just wrote a movie.’ ‘When the hell did you do that?’ I’m like, ‘I don’t know.’ ‘We’ve been going out drinking, playing Halo for like the last three months straight and you wrote a movie?’ ‘Yeah!’ The movie fairy just appears on my doorstep.

  Corey: What is your writing process like? Do you have to be strict with yourself?

  Nick: I do focus in all seriousness. Days are good. Planes are great. If I have a five-hour flight, I’ll just sit there and write. Yeah, I write really fast, I always have.

  Corey: When you’re working on a movie script, is it better to get every idea out and not worry about editing?

  Nick: Yeah, I just start and keep going. Then they have to proofread my stuff. My friends and producers will proofread my movie and go, ‘Did you get past kindergarten? This doesn’t make sense. You still don’t know which their means they’re.’ ‘No, I don’t; give me a million dollars.’

  Corey: You said that people often mistake you for gay. Why do you think that is?

  Nick: It’s not a shocker to me. I’ve played so many gay characters, and people are like, ‘You do it so well.’ That always makes me laugh.

  Corey: Do you think one led to another, like a typecasting thing?

  Nick: Yeah. I think I have a feminine kind of vibe.

  Corey: Is it important for you to make each gay character different?

  Nick: Yeah, I have. It’s funny, people are like, ‘You play the same gay guy.’ ‘No, I don’t really.’ The guy on ‘Reno 911!’ is cartoony and obviously retarded, and I always say that guy’s straight on the show. Terry has a girlfriend. It’s really goofy. The guy in ‘Chuck and Larry,’ he wasn’t effeminate even though I was running around in a butterfly costume. The scenes got cut out, but I was playing a real, normal guy. In ‘Art School Confidential,’ it was another specific guy. I think they’re all different and have their own nuances. I don’t just generalize a group of people. Terry is the exception. Even Terry is a committed character.

  Corey: Have you gotten to keep any of Terry’s outfits?

  Nick: Yeah, some things I totally kept. Some half shirts.

  Corey: It was neat seeing Paul Reubens pop up as your dad in ‘Reno’ the movie. Was he a hero to you as a kid?

  Nick: Yeah, I loved ‘Pee-Wee’s Playhouse’ as a kid.

  Corey: So having him slap your ass was an honor.

  Nick: It was exciting, and he was really nice. He’s a really interesting guy. It wasn’t like meeting Woody Allen. Some people were freaking out, but he was very cool.

  Corey: What is the dynamic like with the Sandler crew, since many of you work together on the same projects?

  Nick: I don’t know. Sandler, if it’s the right film, he will find roles. Like ‘Chuck and Larry,’ it was the right film for him to find stuff for all his buddies.

  Corey: If the Sandler crew would take on the Frat Pack guys, Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn and them, who would come out in the end?

  Nick: Take them on in what?

  Corey: Like a brawl.

  Nick: Oh Sandler’s crew would easily win.

  Corey: Is there a secret weapon there?

  Nick: I think we’d probably win. I’m not saying those guys aren’t tough. I know Vince can throw a punch.

  Corey: Do you get the opportunity to tour much?

  Nick: Yeah, I pop out here and there. My tours now are a lot more planned.

  Corey: Do you have a dream project that you’d like to see get made?

  Nick: Any project that gets made is a dream project. If you get it green-lit, it’s a dream. Yeah, I’ve got several films in development right now, and if any of them get made it will be a dream. One right now is called ‘Happy Hour,’ which is a rated-R comedy that’s I’m excited about. The other is a PG-13 film that I am working with Sandler on.

  Corey: Anything you can say about it?

  Nick: It’s a buddy comedy about two guys who kidnap rich people’s pets for the ransom. It’s really funny, and I’m not just saying that because I wrote it.

  Corey: How difficult is it to get something made? What is the ratio that actually gets made?

  Nick: It’s not easy. All these critics bad-mouth us, and say whatever we want we get. That’s not true. Nobody wanted to make ‘Grandma’s Boy.’ It took forever to get that made. Some of the movies we’re dealing with take a while. Nobody’s handing us anything.

  Robert Schimmel

  Robert Schimmel was one of the first comedians who I knew was funny but I didn’t exactly know why. As a kid, I had to sneak to see clips of comedians on HBO specials hosted by Rodney Dangerfield, and Robert killed on one.

  Sadly, he died in a car accident in 2010. But before that, he beat cancer and lived to joke about it.

  Corey: What did you use to get through chemotherapy?

  Robert Schimmel: When I got diagnosed, my doctor told me, ‘I don’t know how open-minded you are,’ and I was with my mom and dad. ‘You should consider smoking pot during your therapy because it will help with your nausea and pain.’ And I remember going to the doctor, ‘This is a dream come true.’ What would be better than your doctor telling your parents you have to smoke pot? Tell me that’s not almost worth it. The only thing to top that would be the doctor telling your wife, ‘You’re gonna have to be in a threesome; that’s the only chance your husband has.’

  Corey: You tend toward the self-deprecating humor.

  Schimmel: That’s the kind of stuff I do. It’s not picking on anybody; it’s not making fun of anybody else.

  Corey: What was it like for you being away from the audience when you were going through treatment?

  Schimmel: I snuck out of the hospital twice to perform when I wasn’t supposed to. I went to Las Vegas to perform at the Monte Carlo one night. I had to. I had to know what I was fighting for.

  Corey: I love that you are asking fans to donate comedy books and CDs at your shows to give to local hospitals.

  Schimmel: I was listening to everything, George Carlin and Chris Rock, Bill Cosby, Bob Newhart. Actually Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay sent me something that wasn’t released in stores. He doesn’t just push the envelope, he shoots it out of a fucking cannon. I have asked that the national (non-Hodgkins lymphoma) organization to be familiar with my material before presenting it to patients. They’ve told me, ‘You’re bringing public awareness, no matter which way you’re doing it.’

  Corey: How is the awareness going?

  Schimmel: If you really want to think about something shocking, more people died last year from non-Hodgkins lymphoma than died on Sept. 11, and that’s only one kind of cancer. I asked my oncologist, ‘If you had the money to spend on research as the government has spent on terrorism, where would you be now?’ And he said, ‘Looking for a new job,’ because he believes they would have a cure already, but they don’t have the resources. So, we’ll spend billions of dollars to kill other people, but we won’t spend the same amount of money to save
people’s lives.

  Corey: People talk about cancer in whispers. You’re a comedian. Is it tough to get the message out there and be funny at the same time?

  Schimmel: I feel like I’m obligated to the people who are still in the hospital or the people who died during experimental treatments, and I’m here because of what they went through when their doctor said, ‘You know what, you have a few weeks left and we can try this thing and there’s no guarantee it may not save you, but it could save somebody down the line.’ And they say ‘OK, do it.’ I owe that to them because I’m still here, and the thing is, people don’t know how many survivors there are. How are you supposed to get the word across? It didn’t rob me of my sense of humor or my career, and there’s a lot more people like me.