Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians

by Corey Andrew

  I talk about Travelin’ Ray and Italian Joe and Boo-yah and all these boys. These were real boys I knew. I told Del about these stories. He called me up and said, ‘I’ve written this play, and I wrote this part for you, and we’re going to do a reading in my living room just to see what I’ve got.’ I was just horrified. ‘You have told every secret I have ever told you.’ You gotta watch; Del Shores will steal. Of course, I steal from him, too. You tell him any story about your family—anything—it will end up in a play. I said, ‘Del, I don’t want to relive all that. I don’t want to play a drunk on a barstool.’ It didn’t have, at that time, the ending. There’s a wonderful ending where I get to tell one of the young men, ‘Don’t become me; don’t become this drunk on a barstool.’ And so I said to him, ‘I don’t want to play that unless you can give it some sort of redemptive value. Maybe he could tell one of those kids, ‘Don’t become me” or something.’ Del wrote that wonderful thing.

  The night we opened ‘Southern Baptist Sissies,’ I was onstage and I tasted vodka, and I really freaked out. I was about three years sober. ‘Listen, you didn’t rinse out a vodka bottle and not rinse it out real good, because I taste vodka and I’m a recovering alcoholic.’ He said, ‘Leslie, it’s tap water.’ ‘I don’t mean to be a diva, but can I mix my own drink? Will you have bottled water on a little table and ice and maybe some brewed tea I can pour in and make it look like bourbon or something?’ He said, ‘Whatever.’

  What I realized, the sense memory was so long, when I would sit there and pretend to smoke cigarettes and tell stories, pretend to drink, it was almost real. A real big part of the recovery meetings is sharing. You tell your story to help other alcoholics. I felt like I was telling my story every night. And I would walk out of that theatre, and I still do, like a free man. It’s almost like all my demons have set me free. In the recovery community, we say, ‘You’re only as sick as your secrets.’ I tell my secrets. Nobody knows those are really my secrets.

  That was a big part of my recovery that I love rent boys, and I still do. I still do. I do that in sobriety. I’m not ashamed of that.

  Corey: We’re mutual friends of Craig Taggart. He and I acted together in high school.

  Leslie: I adore him; he’s so sweet. He’s got kind of a bad perm. We told him about it because who else is gonna tell him?

  Corey: When did you start being able to tell stories?

  Leslie: From day one. My mother said it reached the point–I had such a vivid imagination–‘At what point do you say, “Son, that’s a lie. That didn’t happen like that, OK?”’ I really realized I had a gift. My first one-man show was called ‘Hysterical Blindness and Other Southern Tragedies.’ The director said to me, ‘I think your stories are more interesting when you put them on their feet.’ We added an all-Baptist choir. People would jump in and become the characters. We had the cat-swinging story. My friends would say that story is so much funnier when you tell it.

  That was 1992. I had a lot of music, had 55 stage cues. It was Lily Tomlin who came to see ‘My Trip Down the Pink Carpet,’ which was my third one. I said, ‘Lily, I can’t make any money.’ She said, ‘You’ve got pink carpets, pink sconces. Honey, will you trust me when I tell you that you don’t need any of that? When you land somewhere, that’s when you add the bells and whistles. I carry my lavaliere and a turtleneck.’

  I said, ‘I’ll leave the turtleneck to the lesbians.’

  I started ‘Full of Gin and Regret,’ which is loosely three stories. Audiences are just as satisfied. It’s more storytelling now. I’ve really come into my own the last two or three years. Naturally when I tell a story, I get off track.

  Corey: Kathy Griffin always gets off track with her stories.

  Leslie: Kathy Griffin. She’s making $70,000 a show. What has she done that I haven’t done?

  Corey: She’s got the hit reality show.

  Leslie: I’ve got this reality show. Over in England is the tallest boy in the world. Never seen anything like it. He wants to come to Hollywood to be an actor. ‘What, you want me because I’m little?’ ‘No, we want you because you came to Hollywood with a lot going against you. You were gay when it wasn’t the right time to be gay. You’re short. You’ve got a Southern accent. You turned it into a marketable act and kept the ship floating for almost 30 years.’

  He envisions himself as the bad guy in the James Bond movies. The day I found out about it, I auditioned for—I don’t think I’ll get it—Robert Zemekis. He’s doing ‘Yellow Submarine.’ There’s Big Chief Meanie, all these characters. It’s the sort of thing they put the electrodes on your face. I was on ‘Star Trek’; I was a Ferengi. Maybe if we could talk to Robert Zemekis, we could do a whole season, whether he gets it or not. I’m kind of excited about that. Maybe that’s what I need for that next step.

  Corey: Have you thought about doing your life as a TV show?

  Leslie: I’ve done that with my live shows. It doesn’t excite me. My life now is sort of boring. I’m sober. They could have followed me years ago; it would have been a train wreck. Most of my stories are 10 years ago. The last 10 years my life—I was trying to explain this to a sponsee—all this drama in your life is self-created, and you won’t realize this until you get out of it.

  When the drama starts, I don’t go there. I’m in bed every night at like 9 o’clock. I’ll go up to my hotel room right now, happy as a little pig. I don’t go out.

  Corey: Does the joy come from being onstage?

  Leslie: That’s it. It’s really hard for friends of mine. I am living so present right now. When I drank a lot, I could lose myself so easily. I would go to the movies a lot. I could go see three movies back to back. I don’t even want to stay for two hours. I don’t watch much scripted television. I’m very present. I’m 54 years old, and I am closer to my authentic self than I’ve ever been. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. People say, ‘Don’t you want a boyfriend?’ I say, ‘No, I’ve got a beautiful, straight boy at home right now.’ Some people have poodles and dogs at home; I’ve got a beautiful, straight boy that I keep—just gorgeous.

  Corey: Do you want to get married?

  Leslie: Never.

  Kathy Griffin

  Many of us early Kathy Griffin fans can smile now that she’s one of the biggest names in the comedy world. Girl knows how to shill, too! She’s quick to remind everyone of her Emmys, her Grammy noms and her vajazzeled nether region.

  While her “reality” show has become less so now that she is so A-list, she still holds her “gays” in high regard, speaking out about Prop. 8 in California, the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy and the rash of gay teen suicides in the fall of 2010.

  But we love her best for her trash talkin’! Here are my playful interviews with Miss Griffin, the first following her media war with E!, Dakota Fanning and Steven Spielberg after Kathy jokingly wished Dakota well during her stay in rehab.

  Corey: Have you gotten a Thank You card from the charity that E! contributed to because of the Dakota Fanning fracas?

  Kathy Griffin: Isn’t that whole thing a riot? Here’s the thing, No. 1, that E! apologized in the first place is ridiculous, because you’d have to be an idiot to not know I was kidding. She’s 9 years old. But, No. 2, Team Fanning was furious. And I just want to say that I love it that there’s a Team Fanning. I called her new movie with Robert DeNiro ‘A Fanning/DeNiro joint.’ But anyway, then I love that they gave to the tsunami relief fund. Wait, because Dakota devoted a lot of her time to tsunami relief. She’s 9! What did she do, give them a juice box? So anyway, I said to E!, ‘Don’t act like you should get a prize for this. You should have donated to the tsunami relief anyway as a network.’

  Corey: Are things OK with you and E! Are you going to any more red carpet stuff with them?

  Kathy: I might do the Grammys. But I think they’re not going to have me do the SAG awards or the Oscars because they’re afraid of me. I’m happy not to be anywhere near Star Jones for two occasions, so that’s fine with me.
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br />   Corey: She was trying to distance herself from you, which I can’t understand because she’s such a train wreck.

  Kathy: I know, but who doesn’t want to be distanced from Star Jones? I’m going to send her a muffin basket. And you know she’s gonna finish it in one day. (laughs)

  Corey: Were you not at her wedding?

  Kathy: I was not at her wedding but I don’t know how that happened, because I think she asked everyone in North America to be a bride’s maid.

  Corey: I notice on the top of your DVD ‘Allegedly’ that you might do a little dishing on Liza, but you didn’t get to that in the set.

  Kathy: I do that all the time and just forget. But I love her. I’m such a fan of hers—but that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna dish on her. Nobody likes to make fun of Celine Dion more than I do and yet I’m there front row, opening night. I went to the Vegas show opening night. That’s my whole thing. I don’t hate. I just make fun of.

  Corey: Are there any events you’ve been to where people actually try to get away?

  Kathy: Run? Yeah, they run. They run. Sometimes they trip, cut themselves. Break a heel. I see dust at their feet. Honestly, most people are pretty good about having a sense of humor. Some people come up and say, ‘I want to be in your act. Why aren’t I in your act?’ And I’m like, ‘You know what, Lara Flynn Boyle, you might think you want to be in my act, but you don’t.’ And then her lip implant knocked me to the ground. Right on my ass. But most people are pretty good.

  Corey: You recently popped up on the reality show ‘The Surreal Life.’

  Kathy: I was the taxi driver. That was one of the most bizarre days I’ve ever spent. Oh my god, what is Chyna on? Is she on TrimSpa? I guess that TrimSpa is pretty strong because what is does to people is almost like they’re on crystal meth.

  Corey: I had the opportunity to meet Mini Me (Verne Troyer) once and shaking his hand was like shaking a cat’s paw. He’s almost not human.

  Kathy: Right. He’s like half the size of a midget. Midgets feel like Kobe (Bryant) next to him. And I don’t mean a rapist; I just mean tall.

  Corey: The D-list phrase has become your thing, but for those people on ‘The Surreal Life,’ what list are they on?

  Kathy: Here’s my theory: I think the D should be as low as you can go. Like I’ve had people go, ‘If you’re D, then I’m E.’ No, no, no, it’s just the buck stops at D. What’s the point? Because otherwise you’re gonna get into Z and then AA and BB. I say D is the bottom of the barrel and we all just kind of swim around in the D soup together. And some of us are just trying to keep our head above the water and some of us are going under. That’s it, that’s as far as it can go.

  Corey: What’s it going to take for you to crack the C?

  Kathy: Don’t think I haven’t put some thought into it. I think for me to get back to C, I’m thinking regular on a sitcom that has some viewers. I think if I can be on a sitcom that lasts more than six episodes, I’m gonna go ahead and out myself back on C. That doesn’t mean my agents will. My agents will think I’m D no matter what.

  Corey: Your Bravo show could be seen as a sitcom.

  Kathy: It really is more of a reality show. It’s more like ‘Newlyweds/Osbournes’ but hopefully, I’m funny. It will be a reality show with a funny, funny pretty lady. That’s what I want the title to be.

  Corey: How long have they been filming you?

  Kathy: Since October. And they’re going to be coming with me and see my life on the road.

  Corey: Any ugly moments so far that they might have picked up?

  Kathy: I actually have a one-nighter on Wednesday in Grand Rapids, (Michigan), at a car show, and I’m not even kidding. If that’s not ugly, I don’t know what is.

  Corey: So you’re going to be …?

  Kathy: A car show, Corey. It’s a car show, OK. They’re kind of calling it a benefit show but it’s some car show in Grand Rapids, and I’m performing in the convention center on the floor. So people will be maybe looking at the new Maserati, and then they’ll hear me tell a story about Portia de Rossi. I’m on the Nissan stage which is not a good sign. I might just be standing on the hood, who knows? I’ll be rockin’ the car show in Grand Rapids on Wednesday night.

  Corey: Do you travel with a notebook or tape recorder or anything or are you attuned to these moments you talk about on stage?

  Kathy: I’m attuned and I also record it in my mind, and then I put my spin on it anyway. I don’t actually do transcripts but I remember what I remember and I tell it in my way. The stuff in my act is true but hopefully I put it through a funny filter—a filter of funny.

  Corey: What kind of feedback have you gotten from people you talk about on the DVD?

  Kathy: Not one person, not one person. I will tell you, I have like the greatest reviews on Amazon dot com. I have so many nice, wonderful reviews and I’m just living off those. I actually haven’t had one subject of one of the stories say something. They don’t know about it. These people don’t know. They don’t give a shit. They’re in their fame bubble. What could I possibly say about Jennifer Aniston that would ever get back to her? She’s got bigger fish to fry.

  Corey: I was thinking maybe Brooke Shields’ mom would be in a Blockbuster and see you on the cover and rent it.

  Kathy: Brooke Shields has come to see me do that story live so she knew the whole thing. Besides the fact that she was present for it; besides the fact that at the wedding she turned to me and said, ‘You have to put this in your act.’ And I said, ‘Consider it done. Believe me, it’s in.’

  Corey: What are you talking about during the new show, the car show?

  Kathy: The car show, I don’t know, because they told me it’s Bush country, which makes me very uneasy. To me, that means I’m just arrested. I could say anything and just go to jail.

  Corey: He’s up for a Razzie.

  Kathy: I thought Razzies were just for actors?

  Corey: They are, but he’s up for Worst Supporting Actor in ‘Fehrenheit 9/11.’

  Kathy: Oh, that’s great. What’s going on with that? When’s the world going to go right side up again? I feel like the world’s upside down and I don’t know how gravity works anymore. But anyway, the car show, I don’t even know. At the show you’re seeing, I’m gonna let loose. I have lots of really good stuff. I have my latest Clay Aiken run in—and there have been many. I have a really good taking down Ryan Seacrest story, because his jig’s gotta be up.

  Corey: I would think.

  Kathy: He has gotta go away at some point. He can’t just continue to exist with no talent, no appeal—and he just won’t go away.

  I’ll definitely be describing what I call FanningGate. The Dakota Fanning fallout. It’s bigger than Watergate if you think about it. I’m sure I’ll have more red carpet-y gossip. Whatever’s in the news—and when I say the news, I mean The Star.

  Corey: I take it you have a subscription.

  Kathy: I don’t and I really should. I’m afraid if I get a subscription it won’t come fast enough. What if I have to get it the second day it’s out? I’m really excited; they already sent the Golden Globe thing. I’ve already been in this week’s US Weekly’s Worst Dressed list—which by the way, I want to say, is a great picture. I’m totally standing by the picture because it’s one of the nicest pictures that’s ever been in the magazine. People Magazine did a really lovely little column quoting my questions, which was a riot. And then Entertainment Weekly printed the E! apology to Team Fanning.

  Corey: That’s where I heard about it, on the EW Web site.

  Kathy: EW, so I’m telling you, I’m getting a lot of ink. I couldn’t be happier. Now it’s all negative. Actually the People Magazine one is really good.

  Corey: As long as it keeps your name out there.

  Kathy: It’s important that people know, No. 1, I’m still funny and No. 2, I’m still a horrible dresser.

  Corey: What were they expecting anyway, for you to play it straight?

  Kathy: They billed m
e on the E! Web site as ‘No holds barred comedian.’ I didn’t bar any holds, so I totally delivered.

  Corey: I didn’t think it was that harsh.

  Kathy: What, the joke? Of course not. I didn’t say, ‘She’s horrible’ or ‘She’s a bad actress.’ I think that was so funny because on the red carpet, they give these messages of encouragement. Remember when Ben Affleck went to rehab and they had all these big stars going, ‘He’s the bravest person I’ve ever met.’ Brave? He went to rehab in Malibu. What I did for the red carpet was try and come up with ideas that were a spin on all the normal things. I thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if we offered messages of hope to little Dakota Fanning, who entered rehab?’ She’s 9, come on!