Eluding Nirvana

by King, V. L.

  Kady knew I’d never harm a single hair on her head. That being said, her need for release is something I understand. You need pain; you need to hurt physically to end the emotional hurt, to lower your adrenaline. There is a world of difference between what I had done to her, and the way Liam forces her to live. My intentions were to keep her safe from herself. His was to degrade and make himself feel powerful.

  When you seek detachment and numbness through pain for an emotional release, you’re aiding someone. I was aiding her. When you beat up, degrade and cause physical, emotional, and mental harm of your own freewill…that is abuse. That night when I held Kady in my arms after inflicting the pain she needed, I had reassured her. I’d made her feel safe after I submitted to her requests. I never once made her feel scared of me. Liam is the exact opposite, the sick cunt.

  “Hey,” I muttered, as I took the vacant seat ahead of her. “How are you feeling, darlin’?”

  Moments passed where my question went unanswered. I didn’t recognize this person in front of me. She wasn’t the Kady Jenson I came to know and have a deep attachment for. Instead, a hollow shell was staring back at me. The want to take her in my arms and carry her away from all the shite she had been living in and offer her a better one, was that greatest I’d ever felt.

  She hung her head defeated. “I went for him, Walker.” When she pulled her gaze back to me, my heart died in my chest. Her face was pale, her eyes dim and lifeless, confused beyond all comprehension.

  “I attacked him and I can’t even remember it.”

  Her name was a painful muttering as I shifted myself to the edge of the seat, her knees snuggled between my thighs as she wrung her fingers together in her lap.

  Unexpected, a commotion was heard from outside. The orderly rose from her chair quickly and peeked out of the small glass window of the door.

  “Oh my God,” she gasped.

  “It’s okay, we’ll be fine,” I reassured her as she nodded her head and dashed out of the room, leaving us alone.

  “Kady, listen to me, you did not attack him,” I stressed, my hands wrapping around hers. “Do you understand me? You did not attack him.”

  Her bedraggled tresses were swept across her face when she shook her head with unending mumbles of defeat and denial. A mass grew in my chest and practically strangled me at seeing her so brainwashed. I pressed again.

  “You didn’t attack him, Kady. You’re not that sort of person. You don’t have a combative bone in your body.”

  “How do you know, Walker?” she challenged. “People live next door to rapists and child abductors, but they always say the same thing, ‘We never realized, it’s come as such a shock, he/she was such a lovely person’.”

  My God, what the fuck had that bastard done to her? It took every strength and effort to pool each ounce of determination I possessed and stop myself from crumbling in front of a person who was once strong enough to endure such abuse, but had since been diminished to such a manic state.

  Maddened, I hissed through gritted teeth. “No, Kady, that’s enough. You didn’t do what he’s made out you’ve done.”

  The sternness in my words had her frozen. With a faint doubting shake of her head, she frowned. “Then why would he say it?”

  More than anything in the world, I wished I could have told her the answers which she deserved. She didn’t deserve to be confined by these four walls. She didn’t deserve to be abused the way she had been for God knows how long. “I don’t know, but we’re working on it—”

  “We? Whose we?”

  A small wistful smile stretched across my face, and I prayed that the grit behind my words would bring her a form of comfort. “Let’s just say, the FBI has nothing on me and Laurie at the moment.”

  After a moment, she returned her rapt gaze back to the garden beyond the window. I studied her silently and when she whispered ‘today was the funeral’, it was like I was hit by a fucking freight train, and the fog was lifted. I wouldn’t put it past the fucker. Every abuser breeds on control, they strive for it, what a perfect way to keep that control than by having her locked up, depriving her of her right?

  “I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye and now I never will,” she added, a tear escaping down her cheek.

  I was sitting in silence, stringing each piece of new information together in my head to try and see the bigger picture.

  “He deleted my voicemail, Walker. The one from my mom. And everything else after that is a complete blur.”

  Tearing my hands away from her, I set them on each side of her face, my thumbs catching and drying each droplet of despair as they fell. I hated seeing her cry, so I coaxed her forward and halted chewing on my chewing gum as I pressed our foreheads together. “Please, don’t cry, darlin’,” I whispered, struggling against my own tears. “Please, don’t cry.”

  When I pulled away, I searched her eyes and asked if she remembered the conversation in Tiffani’s the morning after her birthday, when she agreed to let me be her anchor. With each desperate word, I hoped that I’d find a sliver of strength in her eye. That was what she needed at that moment in her life. She needed someone she could trust to help her find and grasp hold of reality. When she nodded, I spoke.

  “So I am going to be your anchor. Say after me, Kady. I didn’t attack Liam.”

  “No, I’m not saying that. Refusing to believe it is why I’m here, Walker. I’m not saying that. I did attack him. I did. He has the cut to prove it, I’m a nutjob, I’m delusional—”

  Jesus fucking Christ. I shut up when she asked me to, but I couldn’t stand on the sidelines and watch him drag her down any longer. “Yes, Kady, you are delusional. You’re delusional because you believe his lies, his deceits, his fabrications, call them whatever you want, it all comes to the same thing.” I gasped, pointedly. “Kady, you told me not to say anything to you when I saw your ribs. I’m not doing it any longer, I’m not keeping my mouth shut so you can continue with this twisted world that he’s made you believe you deserve. I’m done.”

  I felt the power of denial behind my hands as she shook her head, frenzied, and pled with me not to burst her delusional bubble that she had been cooped up in for God only knows how long. Enough was enough.

  “He is abusive, darlin’. You are in a physically and psychologically abusive relationship, Kady. That is the truth and you know it, you just deny it over and over. But look where it’s got you, darlin’.”

  How was it possible to feel like the bad person just by stating the truth? Witnessing the untold tears as they spilled down her face at my words caused my eyes to water and a lump the size of Ireland to clog in my throat.

  “You’re in this place, taking medication you don’t need, questioning your own sanity, Kady, this isn’t right. You’re worth so much more, darlin’. I can’t offer you the world at your feet like Liam can, but if you were mine, I would offer you a world of happiness, a world of safekeeping and respect where you wouldn’t have to walk on goddamn eggshells. I’d never treat you the way he has.”

  The more she begged for me to stop, the more I had to keep pushing forward. She knew this. She’d known it for a long time but always justified it. And right at that point, it was my job to make her see sense if it was the last thing I did. I knew from the very moment I laid my eyes on her and saw the forced and sad look in her eye that I wanted nothing more than to make her smile. Now it is me, the person who wants to keep her safe, the person who would travel through hell and back for her, who’s the cause of her sadness. More than anything, I hated that the tears which were falling were as a result of my voice, of my words. But they were words that needed to be heard.

  “Repeat after me, Kady. I didn’t attack Liam.”

  When she stayed quiet, I repeated myself again.

  Her voice was a small, unconvincing whisper. “I didn’t attack Liam.”

  Sighing, I braced my brow against hers again. “Do you trust me, darlin’?”

  “Yes.”

  “Wit
h trust, comes belief. You didn’t cut him. Say it, Kady, please—” I couldn’t hold myself any longer. My voice was already splintering and the chaos outside had seemed to die down. This needed to be done quickly before that damn orderly returned. “Just say it, say I didn’t attack him.”

  “I didn’t attack him.”

  There’s my girl, I couldn’t stop the relieved twitch of my lips. I told her to say it again and again, and with each time I could feel a little more belief in her voice. Telling her not to take any pills, and to just say yes and no in the right places with the shrinks, she agreed with a nod of her head.

  “One more thing.” I glided my thumbs over the arch of her cheekbones as I took a breath. “Cling onto this conversation. Hold on with everything you have, keep replaying it and keep remembering these words. Don’t lose yourself, Kady. I couldn’t bear it.” In that moment, all I could imagine was losing her. To not have the chance to look into her eyes, breathe her scent, hear her voice. I would have gladly slipped a knife into my gut and twisted that sucker at the mere thought of having to live that nightmare.

  Rolling my eyes, I knew I had to get out of there. I was Kady’s rock, her support. I couldn’t let her see me like that.

  A gust of air as the door opened traveled through the room as the rather flustered orderly came back. “Is everything okay in here?”

  Glancing up, I nodded. “Yeah,” I said before dropping my head back to Kady. “I gotta go. Keep remembering,” I muttered abruptly, pushing past that lump in my throat as I pushed myself from the seat. When I took a brief moment to press a kiss against her forehead, I felt the creases of my brow deepen. And as I made a hasty retreat past the member of staff, the hate for Liam in putting her in there in the first place ignited my blood. But it was the hate directed towards myself because I had to leave her there, that slaughtered me.

  The steering wheel of my truck was what saw the brunt end of my frustration. Once I allowed the threatening tears to finally see freedom, I breathed my private apology to Kady then sucked in a breath and reached for my phone. Dragging up Laurie’s number, I hit call.

  After a few rings, I was greeted with, ‘how is she?’.

  “An absolute fucking mess, she’s been fucking brainwashed. It was like watching those monkeys forced to watch war and conflict on the fucking television over and over again.”

  “Fucking hell, I had no idea she was going to be that bad. So what do we do?”

  I tossed my head against the headrest. I opened my mouth, but I was quickly interrupted.

  “We can’t confront Liam about this, Walker. It’ll put her in more danger.”

  “She’s already in fucking danger, Laurie!” I yelled, as an enraged sob found its escape. “God, I said I would help her. I was supposed to protect her. How could we not have seen this at the beginning? How—”

  “Walker, stop! Calm down, breathe. Searching for ideas when you’re in a state isn’t going to happen.”

  I said my silent thanks to the heavens that Laurie knew how to calm me the fuck down and then took her advice. With my eyes shut and without a sound, I counted to ten and concentrated on my breathing. One thing I knew for certain, Liam and Liv were up to no good. I remembered back to the night at Hamersley’s a few weeks back. Their hushed conversations, eye and physical contact, the way he left with her with that shrewd grin plastered all over his sickening face. That is something that can’t be hidden from another man. It’s rooted into us, we know how we work.

  I could only hope that my crazy-arsed idea would work too.

  “Laurie, I think I have an idea.”

  Acknowledgements

  Firstly, to my readers. They say that a writer merely begins the story; the reader is the one to finish it. Without you, these stories would be left incomplete. So from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I thank you for journeying alongside the characters, experiencing the emotions which come hand-in-hand with that journey, and taking the time to get engrossed in a world in which I have created.

  To my fellow IEZ ladies. Where do I even begin? We laugh alongside each other, we cry alongside each other, we twirl and pick each other up if we get a little dizzy and fall, and for that, I thank you. The IEZ isn’t just a group of Indie Authors, it isn’t just a group of friends…it’s a family, and I’m honored to be a part of that. I don’t know where I would be without our chats, videos, or words of encouragement. I love you, all. You ladies rock!

  My besties and beta readers: Samantha Ulysses, Charlie Chisholm, and Brittani Prichard (who is also my kickass editor). The amount of faith you have in me, and the amount of times you have shaken some sense into me is bountiful. I can’t thank you enough. When I’ve doubted my abilities, you were there, when I doubted the direction of the story, you were there, and when the emotions ran too high on certain scenes, you were there to reason with me. The love I have for you all is out of this world. You were my first angels, my first readers, my first fans, and I thank you for that.

  To my Street Team, Vic’s Angels: Justine McFadyen, fellow author S.M. Phillips, Lora Lynch, Renee Craycraft, Sam Pixiebelle O’neill, Karen Shenton, Angie Cooper-Jenkins, Lorraine Lilly Wickson, and all the other members, thank you for your pimping skills and spreading the love of not only Walker and Kady, but also Hayden and Samantha from Impulses. Let keep it up. #WalkerLove #Impulses.

  Kaprii Dolphin and Lorraine Lilly Wickson who make up the fabulous Two Ordinary Girls and Their Books, I have two simple words: you’re amazing! Your continued support and enthusiasm towards The Dark Evoke Series will always warm my heart. Thank you for hosting Eluding Nirvana’s Cover Reveal alongside the Release Day Blitz. And not forgetting the many other blogs which participated in the event also: M&D’s have you read book blog, Sarah and Kirsty’s Book Reviews, A Girl Who Loves Books, Best of Both Worlds: Books & Naughtiness, Ms. ME28, My books and Me, Author Sandra Love, Books and Friendz, This Girl Loves Books, 2 Girls a book & a Glass Of Wine, Just Another Girl and Her Books, Naughty Girls of Romance, Sassy Southern Book Blog, Beautifully Broken Book Blog, S.M. Phillips, We Stole Your Book Boyfriend, Bookland, Bad Boys Bedtime Stories, Book Nook Nuts, Words Turn Me On, Little Shop of Readers, Steamy Book Momma, This Mommy Loves to Read, Eye Candy Bookstore, Confessions of a Book Whore, Cover to Cover Book Blog, Musings of the Book-a-holic Fairies, Inc. Randy Raunchy Romantic Book Blog, My Book Inspired Ramblings, Glass Paper Ink, Sweet N Sassy Book A Holics, Girl with Book Lungs, Book Blogs For Book Lovers, Fictional Mens Page for Book Hos, LBM Book Blog, Fictional Boyfriends, The Literary Gossip, Literary Lust, BJ’s Book Blog, and Luscious Literature.

  To all of my reviewers: thank you for taking the time to read, rate, and review. I know family and life can interfere with reading schedules and I am so thankful that in between those commitments, you could read something new by someone new.

  Lastly, to my partner Jamie and my munchkin. You see me at my best and at my worst. You see the downside and my upside, but regardless of that, your support is unending. The ample times of doubt are cast into oblivion when you restore my faith. You bolster me and my vision, you remind me of what I want to achieve, of why I am doing this. You help remind me that anything is possible when you fight and work towards it. For that, I can never repay you. I love you both until the end of time…The moon and back is a no-go.