The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom — Complete

by T. Smollett

  CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE

  AFTER DIVERS UNSUCCESSFUL EFFORTS, HE HAS RECOURSE TO THE MATRIMONIALNOOSE.

  Chancing to meet with one of his acquaintance at a certain coffee-house,the discourse turned upon the characters of mankind, when, among otheroddities, his friend brought upon the carpet a certain old gentlewoman ofsuch a rapacious disposition, that, like a jackdaw, she never beheld anymetalline substance, without an inclination, and even an effort tosecrete it for her own use and contemplation. Nor was this infirmityoriginally produced from indigence, inasmuch as her circumstances hadbeen always affluent, and she was now possessed of a considerable sum ofmoney in the funds; notwithstanding which, the avarice of her naturetempted her to let lodgings, though few people could live under the sameroof with such an original, who, rather than be idle, had often filchedpieces of her own plate, and charged her servants with the theft, orhinted suspicion of her lodgers. Fathom, struck with the description,soon perceived how this woman's disease might be converted to hisadvantage; and after having obtained sufficient intelligence, on pretenceof satisfying his curiosity, he visited the widow, in consequence of abill at her door, and actually hired an apartment in her house, whitherhe forthwith repaired with his inamorata.

  It was not long before he perceived that his landlady's character had notbeen misrepresented. He fed her distemper with divers inconsiderabletrinkets, such as copper medals, corkscrews, odd buckles, and a paltryseal set in silver, which were, at different times, laid as baits for herinfirmity, and always conveyed away with remarkable eagerness, which heand his Dulcinea took pleasure in observing from an unsuspected place.Thus confirmed in his opinion, he, at length, took an opportunity ofexposing a metal watch that belonged to his mistress, and saw it seizedwith great satisfaction, in the absence of his helpmate, who had goneabroad on purpose. According to instruction, she soon returned, andbegan to raise a terrible clamour about the loss of her watch; upon whichshe was condoled by her landlady, who seemed to doubt the integrity ofthe maid, and even proposed that Mrs. Fathom should apply to some justiceof the peace for a warrant to search the servant's trunk. The ladythanked her for the good advice, in compliance with which she hadimmediate recourse to a magistrate, who granted a search warrant, notagainst the maid, but the mistress; and she, in a little time, returnedwith the constable at her back.

  These precautions being taken, Doctor Fathom desired a private conferencewith the old gentlewoman, in which he gave her to understand, that he hadundoubted proofs of her having secreted, not only the watch, but alsoseveral other odd things of less consequence, which he lost since hisresidence in her house. He then showed the warrant he had obtainedagainst her, and asked if she had anything to offer why the constableshould not do his duty? Inexpressible were the anguish and confusion ofthe defendant, when she found herself thus entrapped, and reflected, thatshe was on the point of being detected of felony; for she at onceconcluded, that the snare was laid for her, and knew that the officer ofjustice would certainly find the unlucky watch in one of the drawers ofher scrutoire.

  Tortured with these suggestions, afraid of public disgrace, and dreadingthe consequence of legal conviction, she fell on her knees before theinjured Fathom, and, after having imputed her crime to the temptations ofnecessity, implored his compassion, promised to restore the watch, andeverything she had taken, and begged he would dismiss the constable, thather reputation might not suffer in the eye of the world.

  Ferdinand, with a severity of countenance purposely assumed, observedthat, were she really indigent, he had charity enough to forgive what shehad done; but, as he knew her circumstances were opulent, he looked uponthis excuse as an aggravation of her guilt, which was certainly theeffect of a vicious inclination; and he was therefore determined toprosecute her with the utmost severity of the law, as an example andterror to others, who might be infected with the same evil disposition.Finding him deaf to all her tears and entreaties, she changed her note,and offered him one hundred guineas, if he would compromise the affair,and drop the prosecution, so as that her character should sustain nodamage. After much argumentation, he consented to accept of double thesum, which being instantly paid in East India bonds, Doctor Fathom toldthe constable, that the watch was found; and for once her reputation waspatched up. This seasonable supply enabled our hero to stand trial withhis adversary, who was nonsuited, and also to mend his externalappearance, which of late had not been extremely magnificent.

  Soon after this gleam of good fortune, a tradesman, to whom he wasconsiderably indebted, seeing no other probable means to recover hismoney, introduced Fathom to the acquaintance of a young widow who lodgedat his house, and was said to be in possession of a considerable fortune.Considering the steps that were taken, it would have been almostimpossible for him to miscarry in his addresses. The lady had been bredin the country, was unacquainted with the world, and of a very sanguinedisposition, which her short trial of matrimony had not served to cool.Our adventurer was instructed to call at the tradesman's house, as ifby accident, at an appointed time, when the widow was drinking tea withher landlady. On these occasions he always behaved to admiration. Sheliked his person, and praised his politeness, good-humour, and goodsense; his confederates extolled him as a prodigy of learning, taste,and good-nature; they likewise represented him as a person on the eve ofeclipsing all his competitors in physic. An acquaintance and intimacysoon ensued, nor was he restricted in point of opportunity. In a word,he succeeded in his endeavours, and, one evening, on pretence ofattending her to the play, he accompanied her to the Fleet, where theywere married, in presence of the tradesman and his wife, who were of theparty.

  This grand affair being accomplished to his satisfaction, he, next day,visited her brother, who was a counsellor of the Temple, to make himacquainted with the step his sister had taken; and though the lawyer wasnot a little mortified to find that she had made such a clandestinematch, he behaved civilly to his new brother-in-law, and gave him tounderstand, that his wife's fortune consisted of a jointure of onehundred and fifty pounds a year, and fifteen hundred pounds bequeathed toher during her widowhood, by her own father, who had taken the precautionof settling it in the hands of trustees, in such a manner as that anyhusband she might afterwards espouse should be restricted fromencroaching upon the capital, which was reserved for the benefit of herheirs. This intimation was far from being agreeable to our hero, who hadbeen informed, that this sum was absolutely at the lady's disposal, andhad actually destined the greatest part of it for the payment of hisdebts, for defraying the expense of furnishing an elegant house, andsetting up a new equipage.

  Notwithstanding this disappointment, he resolved to carry on his planupon the credit of his marriage, which was published in a very pompousarticle of the newspapers; a chariot was bespoke, a ready furnished houseimmediately taken, and Doctor Fathom began to reappear in all his formersplendour.

  His good friend the empiric, alarmed at this event, which not only raisedour adventurer into the sphere of a dangerous rival, but also furnishedhim with means to revenge the ill office he had sustained at his hands onthe adventure of the former match--for, by this time, Fathom had givenhim some hints, importing, that he was not ignorant of his treacherousbehaviour--roused, I say, by these considerations, he employed one of hisemissaries, who had some knowledge of Fathom's brother-in-law, toprejudice him against our adventurer, whom he represented as a needysharper, not only overwhelmed with debt and disgrace, but likewisepreviously married to a poor woman, who was prevented by nothing but wantfrom seeking redress at law. To confirm these assertions, he gave him adetail of Fathom's encumbrances, which he had learned for the purpose,and even brought the counsellor into company with the person who hadlived with our hero before marriage, and who was so much incensed at herabrupt dismission, that she did not scruple to corroborate theseallegations of the informer.

  The lawyer, startled at this intelligence, set on foot a minute inquiryinto the life and conversation of the doctor, which turned out so littl
eto the advantage of his character and circumstances, that he resolved, ifpossible, to disunite him from his family; and, as a previous step,repeated to his sister all that he had heard to the prejudice of herhusband, not forgetting to produce the evidence of his mistress, who laidclaim to him by a prior title, which, she pretended, could be proved bythe testimony of the clergyman who joined them. Such an explanationcould not fail to inflame the resentment of the injured wife, who, at thevery first opportunity, giving a loose to the impetuosity of her temper,upbraided our hero with the most bitter invectives for his perfidiousdealing.

  Ferdinand, conscious of his own innocence, which he had not always toplead, far from attempting to soothe her indignation, assumed theauthority and prerogative of a husband, and sharply reprehended her forher credulity and indecent warmth. This rebuke, instead of silencing,gave new spirit and volubility to her reproaches, in the course of whichshe plainly taxed him with want of honesty and affection, and said that,though his pretence was love, his aim was no other than a base designupon her fortune.

  Fathom, stung with these accusations, which he really did not deserve,replied with uncommon heat, and charged her in his turn with want ofsincerity and candour, in the false account she had given of that samefortune before marriage. He even magnified his own condescension, insurrendering his liberty to a woman who had so little to recommend her tothe addresses of the other sex; a reflection which provoked this mildcreature to such a degree of animosity, that, forgetting her duty andallegiance, she lent him a box on the ear with such energy as made hiseyes water; and he, for the honour of manhood and sovereignty, havingwashed her face with a dish of tea, withdrew abruptly to a coffee-housein the neighbourhood, where he had not long remained, when his passionsubsided, and he then saw the expediency of an immediate reconciliation,which he resolved to purchase, even at the expense of a submission.

  It was pity that such a salutary resolution had not been sooner taken.For, when he returned to his own house, he understood, that Mrs. Fathomhad gone abroad in a hackney-coach; and, upon examining her apartment, inlieu of her clothes and trinkets, which she had removed with admirabledexterity and despatch, he found this billet in one of the drawers of herbureau:--"Sir, being convinced that you are a cheat and an impostor, Ihave withdrawn myself from your cruelty and machinations, with a view tosolicit the protection of the law; and I doubt not but I shall soon beable to prove, that you have no just title to, or demand upon, the personor effects of the unfortunate Sarah Muddy."

  The time had been when Mr. Fathom would have allowed Mrs. Muddy to refineat her leisure, and blessed God for his happy deliverance; but at presentthe case was quite altered. Smarting as he was from the expense oflawsuits, he dreaded a prosecution for bigamy, which, though he hadjustice on his side, he knew he could not of himself support. Besides,all his other schemes of life were frustrated by this unlucky elopement.He therefore speedily determined to anticipate, as much as in him lay,the malice of his enemies, and to obtain, without delay, authenticdocuments of his marriage. With this view, he hastened to the house ofthe tradesman, who, with his wife, had been witness to the ceremony andconsummation; and, in order to interest them the more warmly in hiscause, made a pathetic recital of this unhappy breach, in which he hadsuffered such injury and insult. But all his rhetoric would not avail.Mrs. Muddy had been beforehand with him, and had proved the better oratorof the two; for she had assailed this honest couple with such tropes andfigures of eloquence, as were altogether irresistible.

  Nevertheless, they heard our hero to an end, with great patience. Thenthe wife, who was the common mouth upon all such occasions, contractingher features into a very formal disposition, "I'll assure you," said she,"Doctor Fathom, my husband and I have been in a very great terrificationand numplush, to hear such bad things of a person, whom, as one may say,we thought a worthy gentleman, and were ready to serve at all times, byday and by night, as the saying is. And besides, for all that, you know,and God knows, as we are dustrious people, and work hard for what we get,and we have served gentlemen to our own harm, whereby my husband was lastTuesday served with a siserary, being that he was bound for an officerthat ran away. And I said to my husband, Timothy, says I, 'tis a veryhard thing for one to ruin one's self for stranger people--There's DoctorFathom, says I, his account comes to nine-and-forty pounds sevenshillings and fourpence halfpenny; and you know, doctor, that was beforeyour last bill began. But, howsomever, little did I think, as how agentleman of your learning would go to deceive a poor gentlewoman, whenyou had another wife alive."

  In vain did our adventurer endeavour to vindicate himself from thisaspersion; the good woman, like a great many modern disputants, proceededwith her declamation, without seeming to hear what was said on the otherside of the question; and the husband was altogether neutral. At length,Ferdinand, finding all his protestations ineffectual, "Well," said he,"though you are resolved, I see, to discredit all that I can say inopposition to that scandalous slander, of which I can easily acquitmyself in a court of justice, surely you will not refuse to grant me acertificate, signifying that you were present at the ceremony of mymarriage with this unhappy woman." "You shall excuse us," replied thefemale orator; "people cannot be too wary in signing their names in thiswicked world; many a one has been brought to ruination by signing hisname, and my husband shall not, with my goodwill, draw himself into sucha primmineery."

  Fathom, alarmed at this refusal, earnestly argued against the inhumanityand injustice of it, appealing to their own consciences for thereasonableness of his proposal; but, from the evasive answers of thewife, he had reason to believe, that, long before the time of trial, theywould take care to have forgotten the whole transaction.

  Though he was equally confounded and incensed at this instance of theirperfidy, he durst not manifest his indignation, conscious of theadvantage they had over him in divers respects; but repaired, withoutloss of time, to the lodging of the clergyman who had noosed him,resolved to consult his register, and secure his evidence. Here too hisevil genius had got the start of him; for the worthy ecclesiastic notonly could not recollect his features, or find his name in the register,but, when importuned by his pressing remonstrances, took umbrage at thefreedom of his behaviour, and threatened, if he would not immediatelytake himself away, to raise the posse of the Fleet, for the safety of hisown person.

  Rather than put the pastor to the trouble of alarming his flock, heretreated with a heavy heart, and went in quest of his mistress, whom hehad dismissed at his marriage, in hopes of effecting a reconciliation,and preventing her from joining in the conspiracy against him. But,alas! he met with such a reception as he had reason to expect from aslighted woman, who had never felt any real attachment for his person.She did not upbraid him with his cruelty in leaving her as a mistress,but, with a species of effrontery never enough to be admired, reproachedhim with his villany, in abandoning her, who was his true and lawfulwife, to go and ruin a poor gentlewoman, by whose fortune he had beenallured.

  When he attempted to expostulate with this virago, upon the barbarity ofthis assertion, she very prudently declined engaging in privateconversation with such an artful and wicked man; and, calling up thepeople of the house, insisted upon his being conducted to the door.