‘Welcome aboard GCC 67-213 sir,’ Smikkle said as Fleet Commander Hiyakk Haavlii stepped from his shuttle.
‘Thank you Flight Commander Smikkle. The Supreme Potentate sends his best wishes.’
‘Thank you sir. I must admit I’m very pleased he has asked you to join us on this flight as he has told me you have a lot of experience navigating CTCs.’
‘Yes, nasty little things they are too. Spent six months lost inside one once.’
‘Six months? Goodness, that must have been terrifying sir.’
‘Well, being inside one isn’t so bad. Everything happily wanders around randomly avoiding everything else so nothing ever collides. It’s perfectly safe. It’s the getting out that’s the scary part.’
‘Yes, I know what you mean.’
‘Yes, I was told you’ve had some experience. So you’d know that while you’re inside one you just wander around aimlessly like everything else that’s been sucked inside. You know, hundreds of asteroids, moons, comets, black holes and even a few unfortunate planets. But when you decide to stop wandering and start aiming, the problems begin.’
‘Like crossing a busy road.’
‘Like crossing a thousand busy roads all traveling in different directions at different speeds.’
‘If you don’t mind me asking sir, I’ve had a couple of brief episodes in them, but how did you get out after being stuck in one for six months? Smikkle asked.
‘Oh it was easy in the end. You just need to aim your ship in the wrong direction.’ Haavlii smiled.
‘Oh sir, may I introduce you to Septimity Fish-Roe?’ Smikkle said as Sep arrived and deprived Smikkle of asking Haavlii more about his wrong direction solution. ‘Sep, this is Fleet Commander Hiyakk Haavlii from Glothic High Command. He’ll be joining us on our flight to Earth.’
‘Very nice to meet you Fleet Commander,’ Sep said as he offered his hand.
‘And you too Mr. Fish-Roe. The Supreme Potentate has told me a lot about yourself and your grandfather. We on Gloth have much to thank you for.’
‘Thank you sir, but it was my grandfather who did all the hard work over the years, and he died a very happy man on the day of Ichor.’
‘It was a long wait for him I know, as it was for us all. But now at last Gloth can return to being truly Glothic.’
‘Yes Fleet Commander. However we have one last task before we can say truly Glothic.’
‘Our Erdean passengers,’ Smikkle added.
‘Well, we’d best get on with this last task then gentlemen,’ Haavlii said.
‘I’ll show you to your quarters then sir,’ Smikkle said showing the way with his hand.
‘I’ll let you two get on with things then. I have a bit of reading I need to do,’ Sep said as they left. He lied about having something to read because he suddenly felt a little unwell and really needed a lie down.
*****
Glothic Cosmic Cruisers are famous for being the quietest and smoothest spacecraft in the entire Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth. So quiet and so smooth in fact that no one aboard GCC 67-213, other than those on the flight deck, noticed that it had left Gloth orbit and was hurtling at a frightening speed towards the first nasty CTC on their way to the Twenty-Fourth Sun System – or The Solar System as it was called by the locals. Only during the second day after their departure did Flight Commander Stikkly Smikkle advise the squad leaders of the Lacertilian Guards. On his way back from his meeting with them he called by Sep’s quarters. It took some time for Sep to open his door.
‘You don’t look well Sep. What’s the matter?’
‘Oh I’m alright Stik. Please come in.’
‘You look a bit pale,’ Smikkle said as he entered and Sep closed the door.
‘I was just going to make a cup of Weecha. Would you like a cup?’
‘Only if it’s no trouble,’ Smikkle said only by way of being polite. He knew how vile Weecha tasted, due to it being made from the bitter outer membrane of the bile sac of a Krushminutz; a nasty nocturnal creature, similar in features to a possum, but with long flesh tearing fangs. He also knew many believed that Weecha had properties similar to the fabled ‘fountain of youth’.
‘No trouble at all,’ Sep said, but Smikkle could see it clearly was as Sep struggled to keep his balance. Smikkle waited silently for a while as Sep tried to prepare the Weecha, but when he offered to help Sep didn’t argue.
‘I think I’ll just sit down for a minute,’ he said as Smikkle poured the two cups. Just at that moment Stik felt a vibration under his feet that no one else would’ve noticed aboard the Cosmic Cruiser, apart from those who knew the flight plan. Fleet Commander Hiyakk Haavlii had just flown the ship into the first CTC. He brought the cups to the small table, set them down and sat opposite Sep. They both blew across their cups and sipped in silence.
‘C’mon Sep. What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing at all,’ Sep lied.
‘Well I might get the ship’s doctor to confirm that, shall I?’
‘No need, no need Stik. I’m just a bit tired, that’s all.’
‘You look a bit more than tired to me Sep. I noticed you looked quite ill when you met Fleet Commander Hiyakk Haavlii. You know it’s a big change from living underground on Titania Sep. Changes in atmosphere, gravity and food plus everything that’s happened since you arrived on Gloth. And you’re not getting any younger,’ Stik smiled.
Sep took a sip of his Weecha and another before replying. ‘It’s the cloning.’
‘Cloning?’
‘It’s a long story Stik, but my brothers and myself are clones of September. He assembled this contraption in his kitchen on Terranova Two and went about making seven clones of himself, then shipped us all off around the Twelve Sun Systems. That’s how we kept the Blood Brotherhood going for so long.’
‘So was September a clone too?’
‘No. Apparently everyone lives for just about forever on Terranova Two, so he didn’t have to. But that’s why he went so quickly when he finally made it back to Gloth.’
‘So his body clock caught up with him so to say?’
‘Yes. Once he left Terranova Two, his longevity protection was over and his body returned to obeying Gloth time, which for him meant his death was well and truly overdue. By a few million years probably,’ Sep half laughed.
‘I see. But what about you? Is your body going through a similar process?’
‘No not at all. I’ve just made a silly mistake.’
‘A mistake?’
‘You see Stik, my brothers and myself have lived for so long by cloning ourselves over and over. September was clever in this regard as he also cloned the cloning machine contraption he built, so we all have a clone of it to use when we start to feel a bit poorly. The mistake I made is that with all the excitement of Ichor and returning to Gloth and the Erdeans and new Supreme Potentates, I forgot that I was due for a new cloning before I left Titania with September.’
‘So what happens now?’
‘Oh it’s easy. I finally die. Probably about time anyway I suppose.’
‘You don’t want to do that, surely?’
‘Not much choice really.’
‘Um, so where’s this machine? On Titania?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, just hold on and we can make a detour on the way back,’ Smikkle said knowing that now that they had entered the first CTC there was no way of heading in the opposite direction, which was the direction of Titania. ‘But I still think you should see the ship’s doctor.’
‘Never seen a doctor in my life. Not starting now,’ Sep snapped.
‘Alright, alright. No doctor. But do you know what happens from here?’
‘Yes, I drink lots of Weecha. Damn vile, isn’t it?’
‘So you’d better have mine too,’ Stik smiled and passed his cup to Sep.
‘Didn’t think you’d drink it,’ Sep smiled.
*****
‘How long do you think before we can get out?’ Smikkle asked Haavlii
as they sat side by side on the flight deck.
‘Shouldn’t be long. Just calculating the most logical trajectory.’
‘Then?’
‘Then Flight Commander Smikkle, we go in exactly the opposite direction.’
‘Oh yes, you were explaining this to me when you first boarded.’ Smikkle said as he looked at asteroids, comets and the occasional planet whizzing randomly in front of them.
‘Right, here we go then,’ Haavlii said as he read his screen and gave Smikkle the exit coordinates. Smikkle tapped them into his navigator and then turned his head towards Haavlii as he saw what came up on his own screen. ‘Um sir, that leads us directly on a collision course with three rather large planets.’
‘Exactly. The worst possible direction. So, are you ready?’
‘I’m ready sir, but not so sure about the convinced bit.’
‘Only one way to find out Flight Commander Smikkle.’
‘Activating course at full power sir,’ Smikkle said as his shaking finger hit the button and the view in front of the Cosmic Cruiser instantly turned into shards of streaking, flashing light as every object that was trapped in the CTC rushed past their ship. Smikkle almost ducked involuntarily as two planets went flashing by. He turned briefly to catch Haavlii calmly picking his teeth with his fingernail and flicking imaginary fluff from his uniform.
‘Shouldn’t be much longer,’ Haavlii then said in a tone that could have been mistaken for boredom.
After only a minute or two, Smikkle was amazed. Their ship passed through a blinding flash of light that only lasted less than a second, and ahead of them now was the blackness of smooth, quiet and harmless empty space.
‘Right. Now let’s find out where we are?’ Haavlii said as he pushed some buttons on his screen.
‘We’re lost then?’ Smikkle asked.
‘Never Flight Commander. We just don’t have any idea where we are. A big difference. These CTCs can pop you out anywhere,’ Haavlii laughed. ‘Oh, here we are. Well, look at that.’
‘I see,’ Smikkle said as he looked at his navigation screen in astonishment. ‘That can’t be right.’
‘Maybe Flight Commander. But CTCs have no idea about right, left or wrong.’
‘We’re leaving Sun System Twenty-Three and entering Sun System Twenty-Four according to my navigator. That’s impossible? We only left Gloth just over two days ago.’
‘Welcome to what CTCs can do commander. They do make time a bit bendy, stretchy, wobbly and totally illogical, don’t they?.’
‘I’m not sure I understand any of this sir,’ Smikkle said scratching his head.
‘Ha! Nor do I Flight Commander. But’s it’s a crafty way of taking shortcuts huh?’ Haavlii laughed.
‘That’s for sure. Now next time I’m going to take notes about how you calculate the illogical sir.’
‘Well Flight Commander, set course for Earth, and I’ll send you a copy of my illogical CTC notes. Then you can find our way back on your own!’
‘Oddly enough, I think I’m quite looking to it sir,’ Smikkle smiled as he tapped away at the coordinates for their destination. Earth. The fourth planet from the sun in Sun System Twenty-Four.
*****
Once in secure orbit around Earth it was time to begin the preparations for the resettlement of their passengers. Smikkle had checked on Septimity to see if he was up to joining the first reconnaissance shuttle, but he was clearly deteriorating and was having great trouble staying awake. It seemed to Smikkle that the two meetings he had attended with the passengers had used the last remnants of Sep’s energy. He just hoped Sep could hold on until he could get him back to Titania.
‘So, how is he?’ Hiyakk Haavlii asked when Smikkle arrived back on the flight deck.
‘Not well. He’s in no condition to join us I’m afraid.
‘A pity, being his plan and all.’
‘Well, I’ll let him know how it all goes once we get back.’
‘Yes. Now we’d better get moving and see if we can finish the job for him.’
‘Then get him back to Titania.’
‘Yes Flight Commander, I understand.’
‘So ready to take command?’ Smikkle asked his old friend and co-pilot Flight Leader Flipply Dripple.
‘Ready as always Stik,’ he said.
‘Well, best we be off,’ Haavlii said, leaving the Cosmic Cruiser under Dripple’s command and proceeding off with Smikkle to board their shuttle for Earth. Within an hour, they had landed on the surface at their chosen coordinate. It was a modestly sized island in the northern hemisphere of the planet, just to the left of a very large continental mass. To the island’s left there was another smaller island and then a very large blue ocean. Septimity had chosen the location after consultation with Fflemm. Their selection was based on a number of factors including climate, vegetation, inhabitants that didn’t run around screaming too much and the possibility of rudimentary accommodation, but the key factor was that Fflemm was convinced that there was an ever so slight possibility that bananas may be there.
‘I think they were laid out in a box sort of contraption with other odd things alongside and a strange creature aside them saying something that sounded like ‘fresh today, something a pound’. Very odd it was,’ Fflemm had told Sep.
The mere mention of the possibility of bananas had convinced Sep and his decision was taken at that very moment.
‘Ready to disembark sir,’ the Lacertilian pilot of the shuttle announced.
‘Very well. Let’s be off then,’ Haavlii said as he stood up and made for the hatch along with Smikkle and six Lacertilian Guards. As they walked down the ramp to the ground they were all quite pleasantly surprised. It was a rather nice place. A little sunshine, a few white fluffy clouds in the blue sky above, plenty of greenery and a few odd but friendly looking animals whose only utterances seemed to consist of syllables that all sounded like ‘moo’.
‘What’s that over there?’ Smikkle asked as he could see something that resembled modest buildings in the distance.
‘Oh yes, I see it. Best go and take a look then,’ Haavlii replied as they all trod off purposely in that direction. After a fifteen-minute trudge through the muddy turf, they arrived at one small building. ‘Hello, is anyone around?’ Haavlii shouted, and within a few seconds a head popped from the door.
‘Who are you?’
‘Fleet Commander Hiyakk Haavlii.’
‘What a funny name.’
‘And your name sir?’
‘Most call me Fred.’
‘Well, very pleased to make your acquaintance Fred.’
‘Like wise. So, what do you want?’
‘Well Fred, we’re hoping to find some accommodation.’
‘None around here. It’s not called No Mans Land for nothing you know.’
‘Oh I see. So we are in No Mans Land.’
‘You’ll be wanting to go a bit further to Wadebridge. It’s that way,’ Fred said pointing a finger.
‘That’s very kind of you sir,’ Smikkle said then thought he might press his luck. ‘Are there bananas in Wadebridge?’
‘Certainly. Just stop by the grocer.’
‘Oh thank you,’ Smikkle said not knowing at all what a grocer was, but settled in the knowledge that Sep would be very happy with the positive banana news.
Once they arrived in Wadebridge, they were surprised by their welcome. There were creatures walking this way and that, but they just looked Smikkle, Haavlii and the guards up and down and said something that sounded like, ‘hippies from london’, or ‘more of those beatnik type’.
‘Do you understand?’ Haavlii asked Smikkle.
‘No idea whatsoever.’
They passed a small row of low buildings and a calendar in a window caught Smikkle’s attention. Knowing Septimity’s passion for all things time and calendar, he took a note. ‘5th February 1971’.
It took some time before Haavlii found a creature who would communicate with him, and luckily it was one who
had information that was helpful. His name was Mr. Arnold Smith-Jones and he took great pleasure in advising Haavlii that he was in real estate. Haavlii had no idea what that was, but he began to put two and two together when Smith-Jones said he had very large properties to sell.
Within two days, and with the financial facility entrusted to Fleet Commander Hiyakk Haavlii by Huphnic the First, the Supreme Potentate of Gloth, the transaction was concluded for three large estates, each with castles of high standing and conveniently vacant due to their dilapidated condition. Haavlii was surprised at the modest price that was agreed and the fact that Mr. Smith-Jones happily accepted gold, a less than semi-valuable commodity on Gloth, in exchange for the three estates.
With the arrangements complete, Haavlii sent an order up to their Cosmic Cruiser to send down four shuttles of supplies immediately to render the three estates habitable for their passengers and another order to prepare for the transfer of the passengers in two days time.
Once everything was in readiness, Haavlii and Smikkle began to make their way back to their shuttle along with the pilot. The six Lacertilian Guards remained to keep and eye on things on the estates.
As they walked along the street, Smikkle noticed a sign, ‘Grocer’. He stopped and excitedly bought six bananas.
*****
‘Where are we going Mummy?’ April asked as he and January were escorted to a shuttle along with a group of Erdean expatriates. The ones who had been deposited on Lacertilian over the years.
‘I don’t really know April. But let’s hope it somewhere nice,’ she said hoping she was hiding her own uncertainty from her son. Even though Septimity and Flight Commander Stikkly Smikkle had explained to them, and all the Erdeans during a meeting a few days before about their new home on Earth, and that due to the calamity that had taken place on Erde, Earth was chosen because of its similarity, there was of course many questions. But with Septimity’s adroit skill at babbling on for a very long time without actually saying anything, most of the questions remained politely unanswered. The other meeting Septimity and Smikkle attended regarding the Earth issue with the Gregorians didn’t go quite as well. After a lot of screaming, complaining, yelling and attacks of grumpiness from the Gregorian Royal Family and associated aristocracy, ex-councillors and administrators, Smikkle decided that even Septimity’s waffling wasn’t going to achieve anything so he closed the meeting by saying, ‘Well, bad luck. That’s where you’re all going.’ Even Sep gave up on them and turned on his heels and left with Smikkle, leaving the Lacertilian Guards to pacify the angry mob.
Septimity and The Blood Brotherhood: The Third Hilarious Glothic Tale (The Glothic Tales Book 3) Page 12