Doctor Bonkers!

by Jeremy Strong

  6 What a Load of Rubbish

  ‘HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!’

  FLUMMMPPPP!!

  Hardly had Alfie landed with a thud than a wild ginger hairpiece landed on his head, gave a dismayed screech and leapt off, straight into an old bucket. Bandit peered out angrily. A moment after that an even bigger lump of rubbish came hurtling down from above, all arms and legs, and crash-landed on what was actually a huge ancient Egyptian rubbish heap.

  ‘AAAAAAAAARGH – URRRKKKKK – SSPLURRRPP!!’

  It was the doctor. He lay there on his back, winded and slightly stunned. Alfie sat up and held his nose. ‘This place stinks!’ he observed.

  This was hardly surprising. The place was, after all, a rubbish tip. It was made of old banana skins, rotting wood, strips of cloth, smelly, broken sandals, fish bones, chicken carcasses, half-chewed food, smashed plates, slime, creepy-crawlies and several hundred rats.

  ‘We must have fallen right through the Earth,’ Alfie declared proudly.

  The doctor groaned, shifted uneasily and managed to raise himself on one elbow. He found himself peering straight into an eyeless skull. He shuddered and then realized the skull was attached to a whole skeleton, propped against the wall of the rubbish tip. One bony arm was stretched out, as if it was pointing at something.

  ‘That was an amazing slide,’ Alfie said, before asking where the others were.

  ‘I’m afraid we’ve got separated,’ the doctor answered, picking a fish head out of his hair and tossing it to one side.

  ‘Oh.’ Alfie considered this for a few seconds. ‘Have you got anything to eat? I’m hungry.’

  The doctor was amazed by Alfie’s one-track mind. ‘We are missing your brother and sister,’ he said. ‘We should try to find them.’

  ‘OK,’ said Alfie. ‘But some food would be good.’

  The doctor studied the skeleton. He was trying to see if it really was pointing at something.

  ‘I think that might be the way out,’ he said to Alfie. ‘Over there, where the skeleton is pointing.’

  ‘Is that skeleton real?’ Alfie asked.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘So was it a real person before it became a skeleton?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Oh.’ Alfie thought. ‘So did that person die in here?’

  ‘Probably.’

  ‘I bet he died of starvation,’ suggested Alfie.

  ‘I expect so,’ nodded the doctor.

  ‘I think we should get out before we die of starvation,’ Alfie said.

  ‘Good idea,’ said the doctor, pleased that Alfie at last agreed with him.

  They crawled across the rubbish pile to where the skeleton was pointing, scattering rats in all directions. Sure enough, they found a metal grid stuck in the wall.

  Doctor Starkly-Bonkers looked at it for a long time and then delivered his opinion.

  ‘The ancient Egyptians must have to clear out this rubbish tip from time to time. This will be where they get in and out. There are grooves on both sides of the frame and a gap above. My guess is that the grid slides into the gap.’

  The doctor tried lifting the grid himself, but it wouldn’t budge. Alfie and Bandit came over to add their muscle power. Bandit didn’t exactly add his, but he did watch the other two with great interest. There was a lot of panting and grunting and all of a sudden the grid broke free and shot straight up into the gap.

  The doctor looked back at the pointing skeleton and wondered how long it had been there, waiting to show them the way out. ‘Sorry, old chum,’ he murmured quietly. ‘But thanks for your help.’ He turned away to join Alfie and Bandit as they clambered out.

  They were in a long passageway, faintly lit by burning brands. The ceiling above them was curved, so it was like being in a tunnel. It stretched away in both directions.

  ‘Well, Alfie,’ said the doctor. ‘We can either go right or left. Which way do you think would be best?’ he asked, thinking that the right looked quite promising.

  ‘Left,’ said Alfie.

  The doctor’s brow screwed itself up into an annoyed frown. He was convinced that going to the right would be better. The solution suddenly came to him and he reached into a pocket. ‘Let’s toss a coin.’

  ‘OK,’ Alfie said happily. ‘Tails.’

  ‘Heads,’ chose the doctor and he spun the coin into the air. It fell to the ground. Tails. The doctor stooped and picked up the coin. ‘Heads it is,’ he told Alfie. ‘We go right. Sorry.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ asked Alfie.

  The doctor lifted his nose a fraction and sniffed the air to the right. ‘I think I smell food that way,’ he suggested.

  Alfie sniffed too. ‘I can’t smell anything,’ he said bluntly.

  ‘Well, I can. How about we go right and take a look?’ the doctor urged. ‘Come on, we can’t hang around here all day.’

  He began to march down the passage. Alfie and Bandit soon fell in beside him.

  The doctor became deep in thought. First of all he was wondering if the Doombuster was likely to be hidden anywhere near where they were.

  Then his thoughts drifted back to the rubbish tip. He was still finding bits of old banana skin in his pockets and down his shirt. Smelly as the dump had been, it was a good thing it was there. At least they’d had a soft landing. And he also began to wonder, if the banana skin itself was ancient, which it certainly was, would that make it an ancient ancient Egyptian banana skin?

  The doctor was just playing with the idea that it might even be an ancient Egyptian’s ancient ancient Egyptian banana skin when he turned a corner and there, at the end of the passage, was a real patrol of real ancient Egyptian guards, along with a couple of velociraptors.

  ‘Oh dear,’ he murmured. The velociraptors, which were like small, yappy tyrannosauruses, immediately spotted the doctor and Alfie. They howled and barked with fury, tore the leads out of the hands of their handlers, and came tearing after the adventurers.

  ‘Run for it!’ yelled the doctor.

  ‘What are they?’ squealed Alfie as he tried to keep up.

  ‘They’re bellycopters, I mean colossitractors, velociraptors!’ the doctor cried. ‘And they eat FLESH!’

  Bandit went pounding ahead. He wasn’t bothered about stopping to say ‘Hello, how are you?’ to a couple of velociraptors who had very big mouths and lots of teeth. They reached the grate in the wall that marked the rubbish heap.

  ‘I told you we should have turned left!’ panted Alfie. ‘And I’m getting a stitch. I can’t run any more.’ He stopped, bent double in pain.

  The doctor slammed on his brakes, scooped Alfie up from the ground, tucked him under his arm and started off again. The velociraptors were closing fast, slobbering and slavering, mouths flecked with foam and their eyes bright with hunger. SNAP! SNAPPITY-SNAP!

  The ancient Egyptian guards came hurrying along behind them, waving spears and shouting, ‘Stop! In the name of the Pharaoh Tutankummin.’

  But of course the doctor didn’t stop, no matter what the pharaoh’s name was. He kept running and soon they rounded a corner and there, slap bang in front of them, was a Tyrannosaurus rex. Plus, there were five triceratopses, a brontosaurus, eight stegosauruses – or was it nine? And a large flock of pteranodons. And a woolly mammoth. Not to mention two stegosauruses pulling a refuse cart.

  The doctor almost ran straight into them. He froze on the spot instead. This was way beyond him. What was he to do now? They had velociraptors and guards waiting behind and a zoo-sized collection of bone-crunching dinosaurs in front. Not to mention the woolly mammoth.

  It was a good thing Bandit was there. As the tyrannosaurus stepped forward with open jaws, showing off some very, very sharp teeth and a rather unpleasant tongue, Bandit stepped up too. He advanced until he was almost nose to toe with the tyrannosaurus, looked straight up into the monster’s glittering yellow eyes, and hissed – ‘SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!’

  The tyrannosaurus lifted his head sharply. Bandit hissed and spat and the
giant lizard took a step back, then another and another. All the dinosaurs slowly backed off, turning away and wandering off, trying to look as if they weren’t scared, it was just that they’d remembered they’d left the kettle on at home.

  Bandit turned his attention to the velociraptors, hissing at them. They did exactly the same thing, except they were even more scared and went scooting back to their owners, the guards, and hid behind them. The ginger warrior fluffed out his tail and began to wash it.

  Alfie ran to the cat. ‘You are so brave and brilliant!’ he cried, almost hugging the moggy to death.

  But the four guards were certainly not scared of a cat. They marched forward, spears at the ready, surrounding the doctor, Alfie and Bandit. Their leader, Shutshed, growled his orders.

  ‘Come with us,’ he snarled, and they were marched away.

  7 A Bit of a Pile-up

  Meanwhile, far above the dinosaurs, the rubbish heap and the never-ending tunnels, Dylan was hugging Rosie because she was so upset. Dylan was careful not to hug her for too long. After all, he didn’t want her to think that he cared for her that much. (Although of course he did. He simply didn’t want her to know it.)

  ‘I hate your cosmic pyjamas,’ he said, ‘but don’t worry. I’m going to get us out of here.’

  ‘How? Anything we tread on might be a trap,’ Rosie sniffed, gazing forlornly round the chamber.

  ‘I think the green triangles are OK. The doctor was treading on the green triangles before anything happened. Follow me. I’ll go ahead and test each slab with one foot, all right?’

  ‘Do you think we’ll ever find Alfie?’ Rosie asked.

  Dylan gave an emphatic nod. ‘Of course we will. All we have to do is find the nearest place for food and that’s where he’ll be. You know what he’s like.’ At least that put a pale smile on Rosie’s equally pale face.

  By this time they were halfway across the room and making good progress. That was when it happened. Maybe the triangle wasn’t a proper triangle. Maybe it was the wrong kind of green. Or maybe Dylan’s luck had just run out. Whatever it was, the slab they were on suddenly gave way.

  Dylan just had time to say ‘Uh-oh!’ and they disappeared straight down a whirling, corkscrewing chute. Down and round they went until suddenly they came flying out through a wall and into a large room filled with dirty washing.

  FFLLUMMPPPP!!

  They landed on a pile of dirty linen. They sat up, hearts thundering, breathless, and wondering if this was where the doctor, Alfie and Bandit had arrived too. It was quickly clear that it wasn’t.

  ‘At least we got out of that horrible room,’ Dylan said. ‘And we’re together.’ The thought of being on his own put a chill in his heart.

  Rosie was examining some of the dirty linen and pulling a disgusted face.

  ‘This place must be a laundry,’ Rosie mused, holding up something that looked very like a pair of ancient Egyptian underpants. ‘Urggh!’

  ‘So what do we do now?’ asked Dylan, sitting on a rather wobbly pile of linen that came in all shapes and sizes.

  ‘We have to find Alfie and Bandit and the doctor – not to mention the Doombuster,’ Rosie sighed. ‘But I don’t even know where to start. They could be anywhere. And how are we going to search for them in a pyramid that’s crawling with ancient Egyptians who are looking for us?’

  Gloom descended. Neither of them could think of anything except the possibility of getting caught. There was a long spell of silence and then Rosie said, very quietly, ‘We can’t go home without them.’

  ‘Huh! We can’t get home at all, can we?’ Dylan said gruffly. ‘We don’t even know how we got here, apart from it being your stupid jim-jams. Honestly, when you put on a pair of pyjamas, you’re supposed to go to bed, not to a completely different planet!’

  Rosie looked at her pyjamas with disgust. And there, crawling up her right arm, was a message.

  WEAR A SKIRT

  Rosie wondered if she should bother to tell Dylan. She was tired and fed up and the last time the pyjamas had sent them a message they had ended up in a chamber full of traps and got separated from Alfie, Bandit and the doctor. She watched the message until it reached her shoulder and then faded away.

  Rosie sat in thought, idly pulling at the bits of laundry around her. What difference would a skirt make? Why a skirt? Why not trousers? Or a dress? Why should it be a skirt? Then she began to recall some of the paintings in the beautiful but deadly chamber. There were pictures of ancient Egyptians – soldiers, kings, priests, workers, all sorts. And they all wore white skirts.

  Of course! The ancient Egyptians who had chased them up the pyramid wore skirts. It was so obvious. Rosie jumped to her feet and began pulling at the linen that lay about her.

  ‘I thought these were sheets,’ she cried.

  ‘They are.’

  ‘No, they’re skirts – ancient Egyptian skirts. We can wear these as a disguise!’

  ‘I’m not wearing a crummy skirt,’ Dylan spluttered.

  ‘Dylan, it’s what all the men wore in ancient Egyptian times.’

  ‘So? I’d rather walk about in my pants than wear a skirt.’

  ‘Fine. You walk around like a jelly-brain and get yourself caught; I’m going to disguise myself.’ Rosie began wrapping the skirt round her waist.

  ‘You’re still wearing your pyjamas,’ Dylan nit-picked.

  ‘And you’re still wearing your trousers,’ Rosie shot back.

  ‘Didn’t say I wasn’t going to.’

  They carried on in silence, with Rosie trying to wrap the skirt round herself without it falling down. It fell down round her ankles four times. Dylan burst out laughing.

  Rosie’s answer was to toss a skirt across to her brother. ‘Here. You’re obviously very clever, so you can show me how to do it.’

  Dylan quickly discovered for himself that dressing in an ancient Egyptian skirt when nobody has given you lessons is very difficult. He had the same problem as Rosie.

  ‘This is great,’ muttered Dylan. ‘I’ve no idea how they kept their skirts up. They must have nailed them on or something.’ He searched the piles of clothing and eventually found some long, thin strips that they could use to tie round them like belts.

  ‘There,’ said Rosie, with just a hint of triumph. ‘You look fine. Come on.’ And she led the way from the laundry room. The Alfie Hunt had begun.

  They crept out into a passage and immediately ran into two ancient Egyptian soldiers.

  ‘Leave the talking to me,’ hissed Dylan quickly as the soldiers approached. They looked Dylan up and down very suspiciously. One of them had an enormous nose and the other had eyes that looked in two different directions at once.

  ‘What’s that you’re wearing?’ asked Big Nose.

  ‘What do you think I’m wearing?’ Dylan demanded. ‘A cream bun? Anyhow, what’s that you’re wearing?’

  Big Nose was taken aback and looked at his own perfectly neat skirt. ‘What’s wrong with it?’ he asked.

  Dylan laughed. ‘It’s only like totally out of date!’

  Walleye stepped forward. ‘What’s that stuff underneath your skirt? What’s that all about?’

  ‘It’s for the cold, you donkey – what did you think it was for? Aren’t you cold?’ Dylan asked. He was beginning to feel braver and braver.

  ‘Yeah, I’m cold,’ agreed Walleye. ‘But I’ve never seen anything like that before.’

  ‘It’s the latest fashion,’ Dylan said. ‘Just come in. Not even the pharaoh has gear like this. Why don’t you try some of it out for yourselves? You’ll be a lot warmer with this extra stuff on.’

  Dylan gave a little twirl to show off and his skirt fell round his ankles. SHLUNKK! He froze in horror. The soldiers examined the twins with enormous suspicion.

  ‘Are you spies?’ asked Walleye.

  ‘Don’t be daft,’ answered Dylan, reddening, and he tried to laugh it off. ‘Ha-ha … ha.’ He bent down, picked up his skirt and began to tie it round his waist. />
  Walleye turned to Big Nose. ‘I’ve never seen anyone tie their skirt on like that before. He’s a spy if ever I saw one. And so is the other one. I mean, what’s that top all about, with all those funny pictures? Spies, both of them.’

  Bignose lowered his spear so the point was almost pressing against Dylan’s stomach. ‘Right, you two. You’re under arrest. We’re going to take you to the supreme commander. Have you got anything to say?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Dylan, turning to Rosie. ‘RUN FOR IT!’

  And with that they turned tail and legged it down the passage, tearing off their skirts and flinging them behind as they went. Rosie’s skirt landed very neatly over Big Nose’s head. As he struggled to pull it from his face, he managed to trip Walleye with his spear. Walleye went sprawling in front of Big Nose, who promptly fell on top of him.

  The soldiers struggled to their feet, quarrelling over their spears because Big Nose had picked up Walleye’s by mistake and Walleye didn’t like Big Nose’s because he said the handle was all sweaty. Big Nose said he wasn’t the least bit sweaty and, in any case, Walleye had bad breath. Finally, they decided it might be an idea to try to catch the spies, and they set off in hot pursuit.

  In the meantime, Dylan and Rosie were sprinting away at top speed.

  ‘Keep running!’ cried Dylan, glancing behind and seeing the soldiers catching up. They sped round the corner and almost crashed into a cart full of vegetables being pulled along by a triceratops with an ancient ancient Egyptian farmer sitting astride the beast’s fat neck. (He was an ancient ancient Egyptian because he was very old. He had more wrinkles than a tortoise that hadn’t been ironed for a month. )

  ‘Get on the cart!’ Dylan yelled at his sister. As she clambered on to the back of the wagon Dylan pulled the poor farmer from his perch and took his place.