Behind Her Smile

by Rosemary Hines

  Madison nodded. “Yeah.” She paused and then said, “Grandma?”

  “Yes?”

  “I love you,” she said softly, leaning into the open arms of her grandmother.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Madison hurried toward the church building, already running late for the meeting about the mission trip. She’d spent over an hour in front of the mirror trying to decide what to wear and how to do her makeup. She hadn’t been spending much time at youth group and the clothes she’d been wearing lately were not exactly what she’d consider church outfits. She’d finally settled on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. Although the neckline was cut to fall off the shoulder, it didn’t look too bad with a tee shirt underneath. And she’d really downplayed her eye makeup, so she looked a little more like her old self.

  Who am I kidding? She thought to herself as she headed for the high school room where the meeting was being held. I don’t fit in here anymore. And it’s crazy to think they’d want me on the mission trip. Me? Really? What a great example of God’s holiness. She considered turning around and going back to her grandmother’s house.

  “Madison!” a voice called. “We’ve been looking for you.”

  Glancing over, she saw Lucy waving from the front of the church office.

  “Here goes,” Madison said softly to herself as she returned the wave and changed directions to join Lucy.

  “I’m glad you made it,” Lucy said with a smile. “My dad had to change the meeting place. They just waxed the floors in the classrooms, so we’re meeting in the fellowship hall instead.”

  Madison nodded. “Is Luke here?”

  “Yeah. He’s helping Dad set up the stuff for the slideshow.”

  As they walked into the big fellowship hall, Madison spotted Luke in one of the alcoves plugging in some equipment. Chairs had been pulled over to form a semicircle that faced the screen on the wall, and a huddle of kids from the youth group were talking and horsing around nearby.

  Pastor Ben was focused on his laptop that rested on a stand. “Okay, I’ve got it pulled up,” he said to Luke. An image appeared on the screen showing a cluster of children with smiling faces. Across the bottom were the words: Summer Youth Mission.

  Ben stood and cleared his throat. Walking over to the group, he said, “We’re going to get started, so take a seat.”

  After everyone was settled, Ben asked Luke to come up and lead them in prayer. Madison bowed her head but peered up to see Luke’s earnest face as he stood beside his dad and prayed. He looked so much older and more mature, and she suddenly noticed the uncanny resemblance between the two of them. Luke’s going to be just like his father. A good man who serves God and helps others. Her first response was admiration. Then she felt the familiar weight of condemnation.

  You’ll never be good enough, the voice of darkness reminded her.

  Her heart pounding, she felt the grip of anxiety surging once again. If only she could sneak out of the meeting unnoticed. But there was no way that was going to happen. She’d just have to make it through the next hour, and then she’d figure out some reason why she couldn’t go on the trip. That would get her out of the rest of this charade.

  Ben’s voice interrupted her thoughts. “We’re going to start this meeting with a slideshow to give you an idea of where we are going and what we will be doing. As most of you know, our high school pastor and his wife are expecting their second child any day now. So they are not going to be involved in this trip. Luke and I will be leading it, and Kelly may come along as well. As you watch the slideshow, think about where you feel God might best be able to use you. And consider any questions you may have about the mission.”

  Luke flipped off the lights and the slideshow began. Images of teens and adults sanding and painting playground equipment, repairing furniture, and building an outdoor shed were mingled with photos of playing with the children, reading stories to them, and putting on skits. One slide caught Madison’s attention. It was a girl about her age doing an art project with a small group of kids. She thought about her art class and how much she enjoyed it. It would be fun to do art with the kids. If she were going, that is.

  The dark cloud returned. Forget it, Madison. Let the good kids go.

  After the final slide of smiling faces waving at the camera, Luke flipped on the lights and stood in front of them with his dad. “So any questions?” Ben asked.

  A few kids raised their hands and asked about their accommodations while on the trip and about the fundraising.

  “The girls will have one room to sleep in and the boys another,” Ben explained. “They provide cots, but we will be bringing our own sleeping bags. You’ll be packing light because there isn’t much room for luggage in the sleeping quarters, so a duffle bag with your sleeping bag and clothes in it is the best way to go. For fundraising, we’ll be sending out support letters that we’ll write at our next meeting, and then we’ll have a series of car washes, bake sales, and parents’ night out babysitting events.”

  Ben turned to his son. “Luke has been communicating with the orphanage and has a pretty good idea of what they need from us while we are there.”

  Luke nodded. “So I’ve been emailing with the director, and she’d like us to conduct a VBS in the mornings. Afternoons we’ll be painting the dining hall, repairing bookshelves in the classrooms, and building a retaining wall for their new vegetable garden. If there’s time, we’ll help the kids do some planting.”

  It sounded like a lot of work for one week. Madison tried to imagine this group of her peers accomplishing all of that in only seven days. The VBS part sounded fun and she loved helping her grandmother in the vegetable garden at Shoreline Manor.

  “Any thoughts about what you might want to help with?” Luke asked the group. “We’re thinking guys for the retaining wall, but the rest is pretty open to whomever wants to jump in.”

  Lucy piped up, “Madison and I will organize the VBS stuff if you want.”

  Madison winced inwardly. Really? Lucy was already volunteering her? She turned to her friend and gave her a questioning look. Lucy just smiled and leaned over to whisper, “This will be really fun. You’ll see.”

  The guys began talking about the retaining wall, asking about the materials and what they’d need to bring. “I’d recommend some good work gloves,” Ben replied. “Otherwise you may get some pretty bad blisters.”

  “The rest of the materials will be provided,” Luke added. “They just need our manual labor to complete the project.”

  “So all the paint for the dining hall and the materials for the bookshelves will already be there?” a girl asked.

  “Yep,” Luke replied.

  A few more questions were raised and addressed, and then Ben said, “Even though all of you know each other, this trip is going to bring you closer than you’ve ever been before. You’ll be relying on each other in ways you won’t understand until you get there. So it’s really important that you trust one another.”

  Heads nodded as kids from the group looked at one another, a few of the boys elbowing or playfully shoving each other.

  Ben cleared his throat to get their attention again. “Before we leave tonight, we’re going to do the first of a few trust exercises to help build that important quality in the group. So if everyone would stand up and follow me.” He glanced over to Luke and, gesturing to a sack on the floor, said, “Would you grab that bag, please?”

  Nodding, Luke retrieved it and walked beside his father as they exited the building.

  Once outside, Ben opened the bag and pulled out a handful of bandanas. “Pair off in twos,” he said.

  Madison turned to Lucy, who had already been grabbed by another girl. She turned to look around the group and saw that Luke was the only one without a partner.

  “Hey, Maddie,” he said. “Guess it’s you and me.”

  She forced a smile and nodded, hoping she looked relaxed and normal despite her uneasiness.

  Ben began walking through the gro
up, handing one bandana to each pair. Then he gave his directions. “Okay, so one of you is going to be blindfolded first. The other is going to lead the blindfolded one around the grounds here. Leaders, be sure you warn your partner about any steps up or down. Changes in terrain are also good to note because walking on grass is different than on pavement. And don’t walk too fast. Remember, treat your partner the way you want him or her to treat you when it’s your turn. In ten minutes, I’ll blow the whistle and you’ll switch leaders.”

  Luke held the blindfold out to Madison to wear. “I think not,” she said with a nervous laugh. “You first.”

  “Okay,” he replied with mock resignation. He pulled the bandana over his eyes and tied it in back. Then he stood with his arms hanging limp at his sides.

  Madison flashed back to junior high and their brief stage of almost dating. It had gotten pretty comfortable holding hands back then, but now the thought made her really nervous. Miles was one thing, but Luke? He was so far above her in so many ways.

  “Are we going to just stand here?” he asked playfully.

  Taking a deep breath, she reached out and took his hand. It was warm and larger than Miles’. “Okay,” she said tentatively. “So here we go.” Glancing around, she saw the other pairs had dispersed in a variety of directions. She decided to take him around past the church office and into the grassy area out front. That should be pretty easy. No steps except the curb along the edge of the parking lot.

  As she guided him, she noticed how tall he was getting. It seemed like he’d grown a couple of inches since summer. He followed her with relative ease except for one raised lip in the pavement she hadn’t noticed until it was too late. He tripped a bit, but regained his footing. “I’ll have to remember that when it’s my turn,” he teased.

  “Sorry,” she replied, warning him about the upcoming curb. “You’re stepping down in just a second.”

  He shuffled his feet a little to feel for the edge.

  “Okay, now,” she said.

  After safely navigating the curb step down, they crossed the parking lot with Madison steering him clear of the few cars in the lot. “Now we’re going on grass,” she warned as she led him onto the lawn. He looked a little funny as he walked, and she started giggling a little.

  “What?”

  “You,” she replied.

  “What about me?”

  “You’re walking funny.”

  “Oh, you just wait,” he replied. “Your turn’s next.”

  As if on cue, the whistle blew. As he took off his blindfold, Madison noticed they were the only ones on the front lawn. Maybe this was a good time to tell him she wouldn’t be going on the trip.

  “So, Luke?” she began.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’ve been thinking.”

  “About?”

  “About the trip and everything.”

  “And?”

  “Well, I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t go,” she blurted.

  He paused and studied her face. It made her feel like he could see right through her and see all the bad she was trying to hide. Then a smile spread over his face. “Oh, I get it.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah. You don’t want to take your turn,” he replied, handing her the bandana. “Nice try, Maddie.”

  His smile was so sincere and his voice, even in its teasing tone, touched a part of her heart that Miles had never reached. She took the bandana from him. “Fine. But you’d better not trip me. It really was an accident. I promise,” she said as she blindfolded herself.

  “Mu wah hah hah,” he laughed in a mock evil tone. “Now you are at my mercy.”

  Madison couldn’t help but laugh in return. And she noticed that for just a second she felt happier than she’d felt in a very long time.

  As she walked back into Grandma Sheila’s house later that evening, she heard her grandmother say, “Oh, she just got back. Hold on a second.” Turning to her, Sheila said, “Your mom’s on the phone. She’d like to talk to you.”

  Madison took the receiver and said hello. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her grandmother gesturing to Rick, and they both disappeared into the kitchen. Sinking down into the chair, Madison asked her mother what she wanted to talk about.

  “Can we go somewhere and talk face-to-face?” Michelle asked.

  “I guess,” Madison replied.

  “How about if I swing by and pick you up, and we can go to the Coffee Stop?”

  “Sounds good.”

  After hanging up, she went to tell her grandmother. “Mom and I are going for coffee.”

  “That’s nice, dear,” Sheila replied with a warm smile.

  Rick looked up from his laptop. “How was your meeting?” he asked.

  “It was okay. I’m not a hundred percent sure I’m going on the trip, though.”

  “Really? Why?” he asked.

  “Lots of reasons. Just some stuff I need to think about first.”

  Her grandmother gave her a serious look, and Madison could tell she was onto her. “Don’t pass up something you’ll regret later,” she told Madison. “The past is in the past.”

  Madison just shrugged. “Yeah, okay. Well, I’m still thinking about it. I signed up for now. But they don’t order the airline tickets for a few more months.”

  Sheila started to say something else, but Rick put his hand on his wife’s and said, “I’m sure you’ll make the right decision, Madison.”

  A moment later, the toot of a horn out front signaled Michelle’s arrival. “Gotta run,” Madison said. “See ya later.”

  As she climbed into her mother’s van, Michelle reached over and gave her a hug. “It’s so good to see you, sweetheart. We really miss you.”

  “I miss you, too,” she said automatically, and then realized she really did. A yearning washed over her, but she quickly squelched it. If her mother knew the truth, she wouldn’t be so eager to have Madison back home. She’d raised her to know better, and Madison had chosen to live a lie and compromise on things that her mom had clearly taught her would lead to regret. At least her grandmother knew everything and still loved her.

  “Grandma said you were at church,” Michelle said.

  “Yeah. The high school mission trip meeting,” she replied. “But I’m probably not going,” she added hastily.

  Her mother glanced over for a moment, revealing a hurt expression. “I see.”

  Why do I have to be such a jerk to her, Madison thought. I’m the one who messed up, not her.

  Once again attempting conversation, her mother asked, “So have you had a chance to spend any time with Luke?”

  Just the mention of his name brought a longing to Madison’s heart. “A little. I had dinner with his family the night he got home.”

  If Michelle already knew about that, her face didn’t give it away. “That’s great. I know Kelly and Ben are so happy to have him here for the holidays.”

  “Yeah,” Madison agreed. “Lucy and the rest of the kids, too.”

  Her mother nodded and maneuvered the car into the lot in front of the Coffee Stop. After parking and getting their coffees, they settled into a booth in back. “So what are your plans for Christmas?” Michelle asked.

  Madison looked up and saw the pain in her mother’s eyes. Shrugging, she replied, “I don’t know. What do you want me to do?”

  Immediately her mother put her hand over Madison’s. With tears in her eyes, she said, “I really want you to come home. We all do. We’re a family, and we belong together.”

  “You might not feel that way after you find out everything,” Madison replied. “I’m not the perfect girl you raised me to be, Mom.”

  Her mother’s face looked stunned. “Honey, none of us are perfect. Me especially. There’s nothing you could ever do that would make me not want you. Nothing.” She held Madison’s gaze unwaveringly.

  Suddenly Madison was the one with the tears. Her mom came around to her side of the booth and slid in, wrapping her arms around her
and holding her close while the dam broke open and all of Madison’s heartache and regret poured out. “Oh, Mom. I’m so ashamed,” she said between sobs. Bit by bit, the truth tumbled out until all the secrets lay bare before her mother. Not once did Michelle look appalled. It was only sorrow Madison saw in her mother’s eyes.

  “I’m so sorry,” Michelle said, rocking Madison in her arms. “Oh, my sweet, sweet girl. I’m so very sorry.”

  Madison was taken aback by her mother’s words. Pulling back, she looked up at Michelle’s face and saw tears streaming down her cheeks. “Mom? Are you okay?”

  Her mother shook her head. “I feel responsible, Madison. Your father and I had concerns about Miles from the very beginning. We tried to protect you, but clearly, we needed to do more.”

  Hardly believing her ears, Madison said, “Mom, this is not yours and Dad’s fault. I made my own choices. And no matter what you would have said or done, Miles and I would have found a way to be alone together. So don’t ever think that way.”

  Michelle gave her a sad smile as she carefully guided Madison’s hair off of her face. “Oh, Maddie,” she paused and then added, “you’re becoming a very wise young woman, you know that?”

  “Took me long enough,” Maddie replied with a half grin. The tremendous weight of her secret had been lifted, and the relief was almost euphoric.

  The next day, Madison moved back home, just in time to help her family select their Christmas tree.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Four generations of women sat together around the little table in Joan’s apartment. She’d been looking forward to her annual Christmas tea party for months. The table was draped in a festive holly print tablecloth with a decorative teapot serving as a vase for some white roses surrounded by tiny glass votive candles. The teacart that had been the first piece of real furniture she’d bought after marrying Phil those many years ago held the steaming teapot of vanilla cinnamon tea and a tray of assorted tea sandwiches and scones. Finally, a small crystal bowl cradled the sweet whipped cream to garnish the pastries.