What Just Happened?

by Art Linson

  DICK: He said, ‘you gutless little turd.’

  On that remark, Ben removes his feet from the oil bowl and trudges toward Dick while still talking to Dick on the phone. The girls rush after him making him put on throw-away thongs so he won’t slip.

  BEN: Oh no … and then what did he say?

  DICK: You’re fired!

  BEN: You’re fired? Wow, terrible … did he happen to say …

  Dick pushes the power button and moves his reclining seat straight up placing his face right next to Ben’s.

  DICK: … and then my biggest fucking client, my biggest paying client, the one responsible for my mortgage, hung up the phone.

  Ben puts a consoling arm around Dick. Dick looks like he is about to dry heave, Ben backs off, hands him a bowl next to the mirror but Dick controls it.

  BEN: Ooo, Dick … I’m sorry … man, you are strong.

  DICK: Is ‘strong’ a euphemism for ‘uninsultable’?

  BEN: No. But I couldn’t help but admire … I mean you’re still smiling … did he add anything else, about, you know, the movie? The beard? The weight?

  DICK: Can’t you once let this moment be about me?

  BEN: You’re right. You’re right. It is your moment … (Ben hands him a towel) I was just wondering … he must of talked about his plans …

  DICK: Not really.

  BEN: He said nothing?

  DICK: Nothing.

  BEN: That is not good. That bastard’s gonna kill us all.

  Ben, thinking out his next move, gazes out the window down Montana Avenue toward the Aero Theater. Between two Range Rovers, Ben sees what he thinks is Kelly. He gets momentarily distracted.

  BEN: Uhh … if … hold on.

  DICK: I’m not going to call him.

  BEN: Of course not. You shouldn’t.

  TIGHT ANGLE ONTO BEN. He takes one more look across the street. BEN’S POV: FUCK! IT IS KELLY, he’s almost sure. And she’s leaning against the car in the shadows and wait a minute! COULD THAT BE Scott moving in and passionately kissing her? Tongue and all?

  BEN: … I’m going to be right back …

  DICK: Ben, what’re you doing?

  BEN: I thought I saw … It doesn’t matter.

  EXT. NAIL SALON—NIGHT

  Ben, in the cheap thongs, waddles to the street. IS THAT SCOTT’S HAND CREEPING UP KELLY’S SKIRT BETWEEN HER THIGHS! But by the time he gets across Montana Avenue, the kissing couple is gone.

  Cut to:

  OMITTED

  OMITTED

  EXT. BEN’S APARTMENT—DAY

  Ben leaves for Jack’s funeral.

  INT. HOLLYWOOD CEMETERY CHAPEL THURSDAY

  a tight shot of the word ‘what?’

  SUPER: 10:00 AM

  As the camera slowly pulls back we see the rest of the expansive oil painting which is adjacent to an array of huge black-and-white blow-up photos of Jack (the dead guy we’ve been talking about) perched on giant easels. The photographs reveal an irresistibly kind and attractive-looking young man. A WIDE ANGLE OF hundreds of mourners who are slowly gathering inside the Hollywood Cemetery. An organ is playing a rather spirited version of ‘My Way.’ Indeed, Jack is dead. And they’ve all come out to pay their respects.

  By the time Ben arrives, it’s standing room only. Ben surveys the Hollywood crowd, acknowledges friends and acquaintances with a subdued and understanding smile.

  As Ben is about to sit down, he notices, from all the way across the chapel, underneath one of Jack’s photos and next to the treasured oil painting, four young, nubile, and beautiful teenage girls huddled and crying. They’re holding flowers.

  At first Ben reflects an almost jealous admiration for the postmortem love that Jack is getting. But, WAIT A SECOND!

  Is that, Zoe? Is that Ben’s beautiful daughter from his first marriage, one of the girls, IN DEEP SORROW OVER A DEAD AGENT?

  He makes his way through the throng toward Zoe.

  Meanwhile, Scott, his writer friend who’s surreptitiously sleeping with his ex-wife, enters the chapel.

  BEN: Hi Zoe. What are you doing here?

  Zoe turns, revealing her tearstained face.

  ZOE: I … oh … God.

  Zoe turns back to her friends and tries to hold back further tears. Ben puts his arm around her.

  BEN: Terrible, terrible thing.

  ZOE: Yeah, it is. The worst …

  Zoe and one of her friends tenderly touch Jack’s chin on the photo.

  BEN: To care so much …

  ZOE: It’s been really hard.

  BEN: I know … I didn’t know that you knew Jack.

  You knew him?

  ZOE: (wiping her tears) Yes.

  BEN: How?

  ZOE: Dad, it’s really not the time.

  Ben notices Zoe is wearing a man’s necktie loosely knotted around her neck over a very tight T-shirt.

  BEN: Is that tie … Jack’s?

  Zoe nods.

  BEN: For God’s sake, it’s ten o’clock in the morning, you should be in high school.

  ZOE: Oh please.

  Scott approaches Ben and Zoe.

  SCOTT: Hello, Ben.

  BEN: Not now.

  Scott takes Ben aside.

  SCOTT: I want to talk to you about something. Can we talk later?

  BEN: (bolsters himself) Why not … no, let’s do it now. Let’s get it over with.

  SCOTT: No, we’ll do it after the service.

  BEN: Fine. I’m ready.

  Scott walks off.

  Ben moves Zoe farther away from the photos. He repositions himself so he can talk to her privately.

  BEN: I mean … you … Jack … when did you have time to know each other.

  ZOE: Does that really matter?

  BEN: Honey, I know, I know but … was there any intimacy.

  Zoe gets tears in her eyes and rolls her eyes at the same time.

  ZOE: What difference does it make now?

  BEN: It makes a big difference. He blew his brains out!

  Zoe turns away. Ben pulls her back.

  BEN: Sorry. That was harsh … but I mean, … I don’t know … an agent!

  ZOE: He was wonderful. He was gentle. He taught me so much about me.

  BEN: He took drugs.

  ZOE: Dad … He touched me.

  BEN: Where?

  Zoe’s had enough.

  ZOE: Everywhere?

  She rejoins her girlfriends. The organ player is now playing Sting’s ‘Every Breath You Take.’

  BEN: You’re a kid.

  Ben, slightly rocked, makes his way slowly back across the chapel. Throngs of people still huddled around waiting for the proceedings to start. Ben squeezes past two agents and a movie executive.

  YOUNG SUIT: Hey Ben, como esta amigo. (surveying the room) Nice crowd. Jack has never been so hot.

  AGENT #1: Believe me, most of Colombia is grieving.

  YOUNG SUIT: If I only had one tenth of Jack’s pussy … one tenth. Where did he find them? High school?

  BEN: I don’t know, Joe.

  But he’s had enough.

  RABBI: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please. Can you please take your seats. Turn your cell phones off. Our service for Jack will begin in just a moment.

  The organ music stops.

  Ben moves down the row, takes his seat next to Dick, while taking one last look at Zoe. For the first time, he’s starting to look as desperate as Dick.

  RABBI: Few people knew, and truly understood Jack, as well as this man.

  NEW ANGLE from the wings, the Actor (Ben’s star and Dick’s ex-client) walks out to the pulpit to deliver the eulogy.

  BEN: (whispers to Dick) Oh my god, he looks even thicker and hairier than he did yesterday.

  ACTOR: Morning … This is a tough one. So young. So final. Jack. Gregory. Levine. McDonagh. Not just an agent …

  He deliberately scans the vast assemblage of Hollywood folk, his eyes linger when he spots Ben and Dick. He takes his time.

  ACT
OR: I see so many people out there that I would rather be eulogizing today than … Jack.

  A beat. Scattered awkward laughter.

  ACTOR: When a life gets cut short we all feel saddened. But, when it had the promise, the vision, the optimism, the decency, the generosity that Jack exhibited in an industry that, let’s face it, is often known for mercilessly punishing and devouring its own …

  Ben leans into Dick, whispers.

  BEN: Do you know that stuff you take when you have to pack. You know …

  DICK: Klonopin?

  Ben nods.

  BEN: If I could have one …

  Dick hands him two. Ben swallows them. He glances at the pulpit.

  ANGLE on the bearded movie star.

  ACTOR: But Jack transcended his competition. I have never seen so many agents from other agencies attend a funeral for one of their most wicked competitors. I’ll be honest, my first reaction was to assume that most of you were here to steal Jack’s important clients while they were still in a weakened condition, rather than pay your respects. But maybe that’s just my cynicism …

  Angle on Ben and Dick.

  BEN: He fired you, you’re better off.

  DICK: I’m comfortable with it.

  BEN: Tomorrow, at four, he shaves that fucking beard or the whole picture goes down.

  DICK: Call me crazy, but I don’t … AARGH … excuse me, I don’t think he gives a shit.

  ANGLE on the bearded actor.

  ACTOR: But I see true respect and love here. Nothing like the apocryphal story when the feared studio head, Harry Cohn, died. The turnout at that funeral was massive. Billy Wilder was asked ‘why did so many people show up for such a hated man’ and Mr. Wilder said, ‘it’s that old showbiz adage, give the audience what they want and they will come.’

  Audience laughs.

  We can be proud to know that this famous old Hollywood and Vine tale does not apply here. Jack, Jack was special. Jack. Gregory. Levine. McDonagh. He offered hope and passion that has not been around these hills for many a year. Everyone knows this is a tough town. As Hunter Thompson once told me, ‘Bruce, my boy, the movie business is a cruel and shallow money trench, where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs,’ and then he added … ‘and there’s also the negative side.’

  Audience snickers again. He almost points at Ben.

  ACTOR: That’s why we feel such pain today. The bit of heaven Jack brought to Hollywood he took away with him. He was adored by both women and men. He had the heart of an artist because he genuinely cared about the artist. And so it is that today is the day for goodbyes, but before we say good-bye to our friend Jack …

  We slowly push in on Ben and Dick, who stare back expressionlessly.

  Cut to:

  EXT. HOLLYWOOD CEMETERY CHAPEL

  Wide Angle.

  With the eulogy and ceremony completed, the multitude of mourners are slowly making their way to the grave site, walking through a manicured parking lot adjacent to the head stones.

  Scott sees Ben and hurries to join him.

  SCOTT: That was a good send-off.

  BEN: I thought so.

  SCOTT: Listen, I’ve got a situation I’d like to share with you.

  BEN: Share? Is that a word you’re comfortable with? Like as in ‘what’s mine is yours.’

  SCOTT: Well, yeah … But you should hear it first.

  BEN: Or how ‘bout ‘mi casa es su casa.’ Are you comfortable with that?

  SCOTT: I think if we talk about it, we might be able to come to some mutual understanding.

  BEN: Mutual understanding? Are we negotiating?

  SCOTT: No. We’ll save that for later …

  CAMERA SLOWLY MOVES INTO A TIGHT ANGLE OF BEN’S FACE, who, out of nowhere, SNAPS.

  EXT. HOLLYWOOD CEMETERY CHAPEL/DREAM

  BEN: Later? We’ll talk about my ex-wife later?!

  SCOTT: No. What?

  BEN: You use MY EX-FUCKING-BED TO SLEEP WITH MY EX-FUCKING-WIFE! IN MY EX FUCKING HOUSE!

  He grabs Scott by the throat.

  BEN: AND YOU WANT TO NEGOTIATE?

  SCOTT: NO. NO.

  BEN: You think I’m weak, that I don’t care, that I won’t fight back?

  Ben pounds Scott against the car window. It shatters. Scott slides to the ground.

  BEN: WHEN I’M DONE WITH YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT BAG, ALL YOU’LL BE ABLE TO WRITE IS TAMPON JINGLES. DO YOU HEAR ME FUCK FACE. TAMPON JINGLES! YOU FUCKING HACK!

  Ben shoves the argyle sock into Scott’s mouth and starts to suffocate him with it. Scott’s eyes start to bug out. He’s going to die. The camera zeros in on Ben’s face when suddenly, as if nothing happened …

  EXT. HOLLYWOOD CEMETERY CHAPEL

  Ben changes his expression to complete calmness. He almost smiles.

  BEN: Go ahead, Scott, it’s your dime. I’m all ears.

  As we turn to Scott, we see there is no sock in his mouth. He is relaxed. NOTHING HAPPENED. They are still in the line on their way to the grave site.

  SCOTT: Are you all right? For a moment there … I thought you were …

  BEN: What?

  SCOTT: Nothing … I just wanted to tell you the florist movie now has a star interested in doing it, and, quite frankly, I would rather see you produce it than Leonard.

  BEN: No. No. Who do you think I … wait. Heh. I don’t understand. You want to throw this opportunity my way? Why?

  SCOTT: I think it would be great. My agent said it would be good business … that you could get the money and you’re the right guy to run interference on this one. And, quite frankly, I agree with him.

  BEN: Out of the question.

  SCOTT: Why?

  BEN: Well … I have to, I believe, there’s a coupla things you and I would need to sort out first.

  SCOTT: Sure. Like what?

  BEN: Like you’re seeing my ex-wife.

  SCOTT: Ben, you’ve been divorced for a year and a half.

  BEN: It doesn’t matter.

  SCOTT: Hell, you almost married somebody else six months ago. Remember.

  BEN: So what? It’s not right. It doesn’t FEEL right! It’s wrong. I mean … uhh … for God’s sake Scott, you’re married!

  SCOTT: What difference does it make. I’m NOT HAPPY. NOT HAPPY. Is that a feeling that’s not familiar to you?

  BEN: I’m going to have to think about this.

  SCOTT: Fine.

  BEN: Uhh … by the way, who’s the actor in the florist movie?

  SCOTT: Brad Pitt. Got the call last night.

  BEN: He’s in?

  SCOTT: Hundred percent.

  Ben hesitates, trying to think this through.

  BEN: Brad Pitt as a florist. He’d be good.

  SCOTT: Sure would.

  BEN: I’ve already got a couple of thoughts …

  SCOTT: Yeah. This shouldn’t affect us.

  EXT. HOLLYWOOD CEMETERY CHAPEL/GRAVEYARD

  They continue walking away toward the grave site with the rest of the mourners.

  SCOTT: I thought he did a brilliant job up there today. He’s a good spokesman for our industry.

  BEN: What’d you think of his beard?

  SCOTT: I think it hides his double chin.

  BEN: It does that.

  Scott decides to go to his car. They say their good-byes.

  EXT. HOLLYWOOD CEMETERY/GRAVESIDE

  Ben decides to go to the open grave. The rabbi is already starting to offer some final benedictions.

  The coffin, covered in flowers, is about to be lowered. Ben decides to walk to the other side and as he passes through the crowd HE WINDS UP ACCIDENTALLY STANDING NEXT TO HIS BEARDED MOVIE STAR.

  The following conversation takes place in tense whispers as the casket is being lowered.

  ACTOR: I wouldn’t stand there if I were you.

  BEN: I’m certain that we are making more out of this than is necessary.

  ACTOR: I told you, no.

  BEN: (under his breath) ‘No’ means the picture’s as dea
d as Jack. That’s not good for you or me.

  ACTOR: Save the speech.

  Mourners are now shoveling dirt on the grave.

  ACTOR: Look. You’re a producer. You’re just the fucking mayonnaise in a bad sandwich.

  BEN: They’re gonna crush your nuts.

  ACTOR: I doubt that.

  The Rabbi sings ‘Oseh Shalom’ while the mourners begin shoveling dirt into Jack’s grave.

  The actor goes to pick up a shovel. He digs up some dirt and forcefully tosses it into the grave and then slams the shovel deep into the mound of earth, as if he were intending it for Ben. He looks back at Ben and smiles. Ben nonchalantly walks over and yanks the shovel from the dirt to show he doesn’t back off. He tosses his bit of earth forcefully into the grave, accidentally jabbing the next guy in line, Dick Bell, careening him head-first into the grave. It takes all of Ben’s will to keep himself from following. Flustered and embarrassed, Ben with the help of other mourners, pulls Dick back out onto the fake green turf. Ben mouths his apologies to the rabbi. In the back of the crowd, Zoe looks away, embarrassed.

  Cut to:

  INT. BEN’S APARTMENT KITCHEN

  Espresso brewing. A can of Red Bull pulled from the fridge.

  INT. BEN’S BEDROOM—MOMENTS LATER

  Ben is seated at the edge of his bed. He has changed his clothes to studied casual wear. Levi’s, loafers without socks, etc. He’s wearing slightly tinted glasses. His phone rings.

  BEN: Hello?

  Cut to:

  INT. VAST ABANDONED FACTORY/CONVERTED SOUNDSTAGE

  It’s Cal on his cell phone. Behind him, there is a beehive of activity. Makeup and hair people are preparing the extras and actors for the first scene. The wardrobe truck is filled with people attempting to deal with the last-minute alterations and changes.

  The catering truck is on movie time. A line of workers is gathered around the tables waiting to get ‘breakfast’ to steel themselves for a long night of shooting.

  It looks like chaos but it is actually a well-orchestrated group of actors, extras, and crew gearing up for a movie.

  CAL: It’s Cal. It’s a desperate time. Desperate! Could you once for the love …

  Cut to:

  INT. BEN’S BEDROOM

  Ben on the phone doing a perfect imitation of his answering machine.

  BEN: Please leave a message.

  Ben continues to dress.

  CAL: Are you kidding me? Our first day of shooting and we don’t even know if we’re going to shoot at all. What the FUCK is that? You should be here. I need you. SOS! I’m in a hangar in the valley … I need information! …