by Kayla Perrin
Tasia could never look at this house without being reminded of her father. And she couldn’t understand why her mother had wanted to stay here after her husband’s betrayal. In fact, for the past twenty-two years, her mother had never dated. After she and Andrew had left home, her mother had remained, surrounded by all those sad memories. Why had she stayed? Did she hope that Tasia’s father would eventually return?
Whenever Tasia broached the subject of her mother moving, she simply said, “I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart. I’ve lived in this house most of my life, and I want to die in this house.”
Her throat constricted and her eyes burned, but she held in her tears, determined not cave into worst-case scenarios “No,” she whispered brokenly. Her mother wasn’t going to die. Not if she had anything to say about it.
Tasia drew in a deep breath to compose herself. Now was not the time for a trip down memory lane. Nor a time to let negative thoughts consume her.
She’d stopped at a local grocery store and picked up a beautiful bouquet of flowers. She didn’t know what to bring, but her mother had always loved white roses. Hopefully, they would brighten her spirit.
A car was parked in the driveway, so she assumed her mother had company. That was good. She needed people around to help keep her spirits up. She’d probably go in the house and see her mother and a friend sitting on the sofa in the living room, talking and laughing. The thought made her smile.
Tasia rang the doorbell. A few moments later, it swung open. Her smile faltered when her eyes landed on the woman who’d answered the door. She was dressed in scrubs. It was very clear that this woman was a nurse.
“Hello,” the woman said, a soft smile lifting her lips. “You must be Tasia.”
“I am.” She took a step into the house when the woman swung the door wide. “I’m Maeve. I’m your mother’s nurse.”
“What?”
“I’m her nurse. I work in palliative care.”
A flash of irritation hit Tasia. Palliative care … Were they already giving up? “Where’s my mother?” she asked, an edge to her voice.
“She’s in her bedroom,” Maeve answered.
Tasia started in that direction.
“Don’t be alarmed. She’s—”
Tasia didn’t hear the rest of what Maeve said, because she was practically running to her mother’s room. She pushed the door open.
She gasped. Her knees almost buckled and she had to grab onto the doorjamb for support. Her mother lay in bed—an adjustable hospital-type bed Tasia had never seen before—and she had tubes in her nose. An oxygen tank had been placed beside the bed, which explained the tubes. Her mother wore a wrap on her head, and it was so close to her scalp that it was obvious she’d lost her beautiful long hair. And she was thin. Disturbingly so. The sheets covered a body that looked like skin and bones.
Her mother, hearing her gasp, fluttered her eyes open and slowly turned her head in the direction of the door. Seeing Tasia, a weak smile came to her face.
Tasia rushed into the room, tears instantly filling her eyes. “Mom,” she said in a trembling voice. “Why didn’t you tell me how sick you were?”
“I didn’t want to worry you, sweetheart.”
“Worry me? I needed to be here for you. You know I would have come home. Why would you let yourself go through this alone?”
“You have your life in Atlanta. And you’ve been so excited about that television competition.”
Tasia gripped her mother’s hand and tried to keep her voice even. “The TV show? That’s the last of my concern. You’re my mother.” She exhaled sharply, unable to handle the reality of her mother’s condition. “I thought … I thought you’d just gotten the diagnosis. But … how long have you known?”
“Six months.”
“Six months!” she wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. “Mom, I came here with ideas about how we’re going to fight this and now I see … Oh my God.” The tears flowed now, pouring down her cheeks.
All the hopes Tasia had of getting her mother alternate treatments fled as the reality of the situation hit her. The prognosis indeed was dire. Her body was clearly too weak from chemo, not to mention the cancer itself. Tasia didn’t want to give up hope, but she’d just been given a bitter truth pill to swallow.
Why had her mother kept this from her? She didn’t want to upset her, but she needed an answer that made sense. “Mom, why didn’t you tell me?”
Her mother squeezed her hand and offered her a weak smile. “Because I knew you would try to move Heaven and Earth to save me. Only to be disappointed.”
Tasia started to sob. Her mom was right. Even now, Tasia wanted to do exactly that. Call every hospital … even get in touch with faith healers.
“Darling, don’t cry. It’s my time. We all have to go some day.”
At those crushing words, Tasia gazed at her mother’s beloved face. She was a mere shell of the robust woman she had once been. It was devastating to see her like this.
“I wanted you to be happy,” her mom went on. “I didn’t want you crying over me and being depressed. Not while you were planning for so many great things in your life. You’d just heard about that TV show competition. I didn’t want you to miss out on your dream.”
“You matter more than all of that,” Tasia said, her voice cracking.
“Hush, my child. It’ll be all right.”
How could she say that? She was dying. Nothing was going to be right ever again.
When Tasia’s ex-boyfriend’s mother had gone through her own cancer battle years ago, Tasia had learned about the various stages of grief that terminally ill patients go through. First comes denial, then anger. Finally, the patient accepts his or her fate. Her mother was clearly at the acceptance phase. Tasia’s heart broke.
Even if she was weak and the prognosis seemed dire, shouldn’t her mother still fight? As long as she was alive, there was hope.
“I need the number for your oncologist,” Tasia said. “I need to talk to him or her to get the full scope of what’s going on. I already started looking online last night to find clinics we can visit.”
“You were up all night, weren’t you? You should have been sleeping for the drive down here.”
If the situation weren’t so crushing, Tasia would have laughed. Even at a time like this, her mother was still taking care of her.
“It’s not exactly easy to sleep after you learn your mother is dying,” Tasia said. “Which, for the record, I don’t believe. You’re weaker than I expected, but … But I know you can pull through, Mom. You’ve always been a fighter. You’re the strongest woman I know.”
“Oh, sweetie. Please don’t get your hopes up.”
“As long as you’re alive, there is hope. Don’t give up. Okay?”
“Are you dating anyone?”
Her mother’s out-of-the-blue question caught Tasia off guard. “That’s the last thing you need to be worried about.”
“No, you’re wrong. I’m leaving this world. And I want to know that you’ll be taken care of. You can’t work and work and work and have no one there for you. I don’t want you to live your life alone, and have no one when your time comes.”
Though her mother wasn’t spelling out the words, Tasia understood that she was speaking about herself as much as for her daughter. “You’re not alone.” Tasia raised her mother’s hand to her lips and kissed it. “I’m here with you.”
“And what will happen to you when you’re on your deathbed?” her mother asked, her tone frank. “If you don’t allow yourself to love, you’ll never be blessed with children. I may not have a husband, but at least I have two children who have enriched my life.”
Tasia’s throat thickened, and she could hardly draw in a breath. “Please don’t give up. I know you can do this. You’ve always been so strong, I know you can fight. Fight to live so you can meet Andrew’s baby—see your grandson. She kissed her mother’s hand again. “I’ll take you to Seattle. We’ll go together … And,
I’ll have ten kids—as long as you stay alive to see them. Deal?”
“Oh, sweetheart. I wish I could make that promise. But even if I’m not here in the physical body, you know I’ll be with you in spirit.”
That was not what Tasia wanted to hear. “You can beat this,” Tasia said softly. “I know you can.”
“You’re afraid to love,” her mother went on. “And I know why. You were so angry when your father left—I swear you put up a wall around your heart right then. Remember that boy, Jimmy Alden? He wanted to take you to your eighth-grade graduation? You told him he could take you as long as he didn’t get the silly idea that you could ever be more than friends.”
Tasia remembered. “I didn’t want to lead him on.”
“You always have to call the shots. You set the ground rules. And you set the bar so high that no one will ever measure up.”
“I don’t understand why we’re having this conversation. Why don’t you tell me who your doctor is? I’d like to make that call.”
“One of these days, you have to let someone in,” her mother went on, undeterred. “Love can fill you with the kind of happiness that nothing else can. I want you to be happy.”
Tasia held in her reply. Love had filled her mother with heartache—so much so that she’d never dated after Tasia’s father left. Never fell in love again. Never met another man who truly loved her.
“You know what will make me happy?” Tasia began, changing the subject. “Having you around. What I need you to do is focus your thoughts on fighting to stay alive. Not worrying about my love life. That’s what’s going to make me happy.”
Tasia’s mother looked at her with an expression she’d never seen before. There was sadness in her eyes mixed with pride and also regret. It was a look that shook Tasia to the core.
“You and your brother—you’re the best things I ever did. I know I couldn’t give you everything—”
“You gave me everything that mattered.”
“I would’ve given you more. Clothes that were new and not from Dotty’s Second Hand. And remember that time you begged me to take you to Disney, but I couldn’t afford it?”
“Mom, stop this. I wouldn’t change a thing about my childhood. Not one thing.”
“I only want what’s best for you, baby. Your happiness means more to me than anything.”
“Seeing you get better will make me happy,” Tasia told her.
A flash of pain streaked across her mom’s face. “I wish I could give you that, baby. For your sake, I really wish I could.”
Tasia swallowed hard and grasped her mother’s hands to keep her own from trembling. As much as she wanted to cling to hope, she could see the agonizing truth in her mother’s eyes. She didn’t want to lose her, but she didn’t have any choice in the matter.
“Then I’ll be here with you,” Tasia said in a thick voice, holding tightly to her mother’s hands. “For as long as we have together.” Though tears were streaming down her face, she forced a smile. “Let’s remember the good times and make the most of every day.”
“That’s exactly what I would like.”
Tasia leaned forward and kissed her mother on the forehead. It was all she could do not to break down like a baby and bawl.
“I love you. More than anything.”
“I know, baby. And I love you too.”
Chapter 4
Only one week later, Tasia’s mother died. And while Tasia had been trying to accept the inevitable, she wasn’t even remotely prepared for it when it happened. It left a hole in her that was deep. Devastating.
One minute, Tasia had been planning her career and an appearance on a nationwide TV cooking competition, now she was planning her mother’s funeral.
Maeve, the palliative care nurse, had not only been with Tasia in the wee hours of the morning when her mother had slipped away, she’d cried with her. Though weak, her mother had suddenly tightened her grip on her hand and sucked in a sharp breath.
And then she was gone.
“Mom?” Tasia had whispered. But she’d known at that moment that her mother had crossed over. “Mom?”
“She’s gone,” Maeve had said, her voice filled with pain.
Tasia had started to sob. Then she and Maeve had hugged each other and cried together. When Tasia had cried her fill, she’d gotten into the bed beside her mother and stayed with her until the funeral home staff arrived.
There was one thing Tasia was grateful for—that her mother hadn’t died alone. She and Maeve had been with her. And thankfully, her brother had made it down to Miami for a twenty-four hour period to spend with their mother before she passed. The visit had been short, but the relief and happiness on their mother’s face had filled Tasia’s heart with joy. Seeing her son again before she died had given her mother a huge measure of comfort.
Maeve had been a godsend. She’d stayed with Tasia in the aftermath of her mother’s death, helping with the funeral arrangements, and calling all of Stella’s friends to let them know she’d passed. That was something that Tasia hadn’t been able to do. She just couldn’t.
But she’d had to plan the funeral; it couldn’t be avoided. Tasia’s emotions fluctuated between anguish and a surreal sense of disbelief. Just a few weeks ago, she’d been busily working in Atlanta, with no clue that her life was about to change.
“Tasia?”
At the sound of her name, she glanced behind her and saw Maeve.
“You haven’t eaten,” Maeve said.
“I’m not hungry,” Tasia told her.
Tasia was sitting in the reception hall after the funeral, watching everyone socialize as if she were a fly on the wall.
“Can I get you anything?” Maeve asked. “I hate that you’re over here by yourself.”
It was true. Despite all the people around, Tasia felt removed from everyone. They’d offered their condolences, and now they were getting food and drinks. “I just really want a moment by myself,” Tasia told Maeve.
“Okay. I’ll check on you later.” Maeve squeezed her hand before wandering away to join a group of Stella’s friends. Tasia continued to sit and watch. She felt as if she were in a different world.
As Tasia’s eyes surveyed the room, she caught sight of a man she’d spotted at the funeral. He was by himself, just as he’d been at the church. She wondered who he was, and as if he’d sensed her looking at him, he glanced in her direction. Embarrassed, Tasia’s gaze skittered away and landed on Andrew and his wife approaching her.
“Tasia,” he said.
Tasia uncurled her body from the armchair. “Hey, Andrew.”
“I’m coming to say goodbye. Karlene and I are leaving.”
“What? In the middle of the funeral reception?”
“I told you that Karlene and I couldn’t stay long, remember? We have to get back home.”
Had he mentioned that? Tasia didn’t remember. But then, she’d been in a haze since the day began. “You can’t just leave in the middle of the reception. I need you here with me.”
“We have a flight to catch. There’s not much more to do here. Mom’s been laid to rest.”
Tasia gaped at her brother. Was he serious? He showed up for his mother’s funeral like a guest, and now he was leaving already?
“It’s not just today,” Tasia said. “We have to go through Mom’s things, get the house ready to sell.”
“The baby was sick when we left. Karlene’s mom says that he’s still fussing. We just … need to get back.”
“You mean you’re bailing on our Mom. Again.”
“I’m not bailing. I came. We came.”
Tasia glanced in Karlene’s direction. She was a few feet away, barely looking at Tasia. There was no love lost between the two women. Whatever Karlene said, Andrew did.
“Dad said to tell you he’s sorry.”
“You can tell Dad to—” Tasia stopped before she finished her snarky response. Her father had abandoned her mother. He’d abandoned them. God only knew why Andrew
had decided to forge a relationship with him, but she had zero interest in ever seeing her father again.
“I know you’re upset, but maybe in a couple of weeks I can get back down here, help you go through the stuff.”
“If Karlene lets you,” Tasia muttered.
“That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it?” Tasia asked. “We all know what the deal is. Why can’t Karlene head home, and you stay a bit longer and help me deal with some of this?”
Andrew sighed with exasperation. “I’ll get back here as soon as I can. I promise.”
“Sure. Whatever you say.”
Tasia turned her back on her brother, secured her purse under her arm, and marched toward the restrooms.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the attractive stranger, and again wondered who he was.
But she was in no mood to go over to him and ask.
*
Three days later, Tasia was still mentally drained. Neighbors and friends had come by to pay their respects and bring food. The fridge was filled with more pasta, fruit platters, and cold cuts than she could ever eat.
All the well-wishing had only depressed her further. Yes, it was nice to know that her mother had had a large group of colleagues and friends who loved her. But Tasia couldn’t handle seeing anyone else. Emotionally, she was spent and wanted simply to stay in bed and sleep.
So when she heard the doorbell early that evening, she didn’t budge. Whoever it was would go away.
The doorbell rang again. She pulled the covers tighter and snuggled beneath the comforter. The drapes were drawn, the lights off. She wanted to be left alone.
When the knocking started, she sighed, threw the covers off and got out of bed. It was probably Mrs. Campbell, worried about her. She likely wouldn’t go away until Tasia assured her that she was fine.
Tasia padded out of the bedroom. She was in jeans and a T-shirt, which were no doubt crumpled because she’d fallen asleep in them, she’d left her long curly hair down and was sure it looked like a rat’s nest by now. She strolled right past the mirror and avoided her reflection, because she was sure she looked hideous. But she was grieving. Mrs. Campbell would certainly cut her some slack. The last thing on Tasia’s mind was her appearance.