Love and Hope

by Kayla Perrin

  Maybe she and Malcolm could have a future, but right now, she needed to take a step back and get some perspective. She had to get away so she could take a breath.

  “If I don’t leave now, I’ll probably never want to,” she told him. “Thanks to a certain someone.”

  He chuckled on the other end of the line. “Well, it’s good to know you weren’t unaffected by what happened between us. I was starting to wonder.”

  “Of course I was—I am,” she said. Had she ever! So much so that the idea of leaving now was causing her pain. “But a producer called me today about the upcoming show and my travel arrangements. It’s in three weeks. I really need to get my head back into work.”

  “You want company on the trip? I can drive up with you and take a flight back.”

  “No,” Tasia replied, perhaps a little too quickly. “It’s just that I like to think when I drive. I want to start getting some recipes set in my mind. You’d just distract me. In a good way, of course. But I hope you understand that I can’t afford any distractions right now.”

  “And you can’t leave a little later? After I’m finished work for the day?”

  “It’s very tempting,” Tasia said. “But I also need to check in with work. I’ve been gone so long. So the sooner I hit the road, the better.”

  Don’t do this! Her heart was telling her to stay. But her brain was telling her to run. She’d spent hours replaying her amazing night with Malcolm, and each time she had, she’d become more afraid. Because she hadn’t been able to rationalize away the feelings rioting within her. Which left her more than a little terrified.

  It was too soon to be in love, to need someone so deeply.

  Something her rational brain would not allow.

  “Do you know when you’ll be back?” Malcolm asked.

  Tasia’s head began to swim. He wasn’t seeing their time together as a one night stand. She knew that to her core. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “Sometime after the show.”

  “That long?”

  “Malcolm, I have a life in Atlanta,” she said, a little testily. She blew out a breath. She wasn’t angry with him. She was angry with herself for caring so much. She felt foolish. What she needed was time away from him to reclaim her heart. Obviously, one night with someone didn’t turn into love. So where was this silly idea even coming from?

  “All right,” he said. “I know you’ve got a lot on your plate. We’ll talk. We’ll figure something out.”

  “Yeah,” she said softly. “We will.”

  *

  Later that evening, after driving for six hours, Tasia pulled into Raven’s driveway. She drew in a deep breath, before making her way to Raven’s door.

  She was exhausted but she needed to see her friend. She rang the doorbell, then followed that with a few rapid knocks.

  When Raven opened the door, her eyes widened, and her mouth fell open in surprise.

  “What are you doing here? I thought you were in Miami.”

  Tasia walked into her friend’s house, the weight of her feelings bearing down on her shoulders. “I slept with him.”

  Raven’s eyes lit up with excitement … then with a question. “And that’s a bad thing?”

  “I shouldn’t have done it,” Tasia said. “But it just felt so right.”

  Raven closed the door and turned to Tasia. “Wait. You slept with him, and now you’re here?”

  Tasia walked into the living room and slumped down on the sofa. “I woke up this morning in bed beside that gorgeous man and I felt … overwhelmed. I asked myself, what have I done?”

  Raven joined her in the living room, sitting on the armchair across from her. “That was what you were feeling? Wasn’t the sex good?”

  “It was incredible.”

  “So what did you do? Leave his bed, pack up, and take off?”

  “Pretty much,” Tasia admitted.

  “Tasia!”

  “I can’t do casual sex,” Tasia blurted. “I thought I could, but I just can’t. Being with him … I was already starting to feel things that … things I shouldn’t feel.”

  “And why not?” Raven challenged.

  “Because they’re not real. I just got caught up in … in a fantasy. I was grieving and I found someone who was there to offer me comfort. I’m smarter than that. I can’t have fallen in love already.”

  “Love?” Now Raven’s lips curled in a smile. “I didn’t realize you were talking about love. This is serious.”

  “Why are you smiling like that, as if I just found my Mr. Right?”

  “And if you didn’t find your Mr. Right, why do you seem so conflicted?”

  “Because I’m confused.” Tasia groaned in frustration. “My brain is telling me one thing—that there’s no way I can be in love with him. Certainly not so fast, so soon. But my heart … it’s telling me something else.

  “Malcolm is just so … so perfect in so many ways. And I guess that’s what scares me more than anything. If I let myself believe that we’ve found something special together, I’ll only be setting myself up for heartbreak down the road. Won’t I? I mean who’s that perfect?” Tasia shook her head as if trying to convince herself. “Being in Miami was like being in a different world. A bubble. No work, just my mother’s house to deal with. And there he was, so damn attractive and sweet and helpful. That’s not the real world.”

  “Why can’t it be?” Raven asked.

  “Because I live in Atlanta. I have a very demanding job as a chef, and I have career goals that I need to accomplish before I let myself lose my head over any man.”

  “So you’re back to your five-year plan. Or is it ten? I hate to say it, but your mother was right. You penciled out your life and didn’t allow for love. That’s why you chose guys like Rodney. And Dan in college.” Raven rolled her eyes. “To this day, I don’t get why you dated him. I mean, nothing against birds, but that guy talked nonstop about this kind of bird, and that kind of bird. How did you stand it? He was way more into his ornithology studies than he was into you.”

  “He was passionate about something. What’s wrong with that?”

  Raven’s eyebrows shot up and she made a face. “Really? You know good and well that you always go for guys who only interest you for a short time. Men that you’ll never have a lasting relationship with.”

  Tasia bit the inside of her lip, but said nothing. What could she say? She certainly couldn’t refute her friend’s claims.

  “And what do you do every time?” Raven went on, “You become distant, hoping the guys will get the picture and eventually stop bothering you. Look, I get it. Rodney wasn’t the right guy for you. But it sounds like Malcolm might be. And you left him without even trying to figure it out?”

  “I … It’s not like we’ll never be in touch again. We’re gonna talk. See where things lead …”

  “Really?” Raven gave her that raised-eyebrow look again, that she was so good at.

  “All this time I haven’t wanted to be like my mother,” Tasia said, a vulnerable hitch in her voice. “I wanted to stand on my own, not pine away for something that could never be. Now, I don’t even know what’s real anymore. My life feels all mixed up.”

  Frowning, Raven got up from her seat and joined Tasia on the sofa. “What’s going on with you? This isn’t just about Malcolm, is it?”

  Tasia shook her head. “No.”

  “Tell me.”

  Tasia filled her in on everything she’d learned. The truth about her mother. She’d always believed that her mother had basically lived a lonely life because she’d been heartbroken over her father, only to learn that her mom had been involved in a secret affair with a married man.

  “I know I should be happy for her, she had someone. But I keep wondering why she didn’t tell me, and what else I don’t know about her.”

  “I’m sure you can figure out why she didn’t tell you,” Raven said. “A secret like that …You never know how someone will react. Besides, she was your mother. That�
�s not the kind of thing you tell your child.”

  “You’re right, I know. I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time with this.”

  “Well, I have to say I’m glad your mom had someone. Of course, I don’t think affairs are ever okay. He was married with kids and she had kids. It’s different today, blended families are common. But, from what you’ve told me, your mom really loved him. And there’s something brave about going for what you want, despite the hurdles.”

  “So marriage is a hurdle?” Tasia asked, her tone sarcastic.

  “You know that’s not what I mean. I believe that if you fall out of love, or if you’re unhappy and know you want out of your marriage, you should get out. Don’t pussyfoot around the issue. Move on. Get a divorce. The man your mother was involved with should have done that.”

  Raven wrapped an arm around Tasia’s shoulders and gave her a side hug. “Maybe your mother shouldn’t have been so secretive about her love life. I think she didn’t help set a good example for you to know what love can be. You’re so hung up on compartmentalizing your life that you won’t even allow yourself to fall in love because it doesn’t fit into your plans. And you’ve been so hung up on knowing exactly what love looks like when you find it that you don’t know how to recognize it when it’s there.”

  This was not what Tasia wanted to hear. She raised her hand to her chest, felt her thudding heart. She knew that her big issue was fear. She was scared. What if she felt more for Malcolm than he felt for her? What if she put her heart and soul into a relationship with him only for him to break it? What if they had kids and then the same thing happened to her that happened to her mother? She wouldn’t want to put her own kids through what she had gone through.

  Tasia stood up. “I have to go.”

  “You’re leaving already?”

  “I really just dropped by to get my plants, say hi, and fill you in. It’s been a long day, a long drive. I just want to go home and go to bed.”

  “Or … you don’t want to hear what I have to say,” Raven said pointedly.

  “I have a lot to concentrate on. It’s time for me to put my head into work and the upcoming competition in New York. So, no, it’s not just that I ran away from Malcolm. I knew I needed to get back here, get back into the kitchen. Start cooking again. Get my mind frame right for the competition.”

  “And are you going to call him again?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Tasia!”

  Tasia walked over to the window seat in Raven’s living room and hefted a plant in each arm. “Maybe I’m just not good at relationships.”

  “You’re going to be one of those women who hits a certain age and be devastated because you realize that you let every opportunity pass you by.”

  “What about you?” Tasia retorted, irritated. “How many duds have you dated?”

  “But at least I’m open to finding someone.”

  “You trust too much,” Tasia flung back at her. “How many times have you been heartbroken because you fell for yet another cheater? Your engagement to Joe ended in disaster.”

  Raven’s lips tightened. “You’re right. It did. I believed his lies, and maybe I was a fool.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “But at least I was willing to let down my walls. At least I loved, even if Joe broke my heart. I can look back on that relationship with no regrets on my part. Can you say the same about your past?

  Raven’s question silenced Tasia. Rodney, Dan, and the few other men she’d dated had all been guys to pass the time with, relationships that would never go the distance. She’d regretted every one of them.

  “I would never shoot down a great guy without a damn good reason,” Raven went on.

  “The last few weeks have been so emotional for me.” Tasia shook her head. “I’m not thinking clearly, and I’d be setting myself up for disaster.”

  “You mean you’re letting fear hold you back.”

  Her plants in her arms, Tasia headed to the door. “I guess I’m just going to have to accept the consequences of my own actions.”

  “Obviously,” Raven said, and Tasia could hear the frustration in her voice.

  Ignoring Raven’s comment, Tasia said a quick goodbye and made her way to her car. Was it really so hard for Raven to understand what she was saying? Rationally, it didn’t make sense that she could have found love in such a short time. Lust yes. Love, no.

  Perhaps Raven couldn’t understand her point of view because no matter the amount of heartbreak she’d gone through, she was willing to jump into the next relationship with a hopeful heart. Tasia didn’t know how to be like that. And she didn’t know if she wanted to be. She didn’t want to get all her hopes up, only to be disappointed.

  She saw what her mother had gone through after her father left. And Tasia and Andrew had grown up without a dad, something that had been devastating. Witnessing her mother struggle as a single parent had affected Tasia deeply. How could Raven fault her for wanting to ensure she had a successful, independent career before worrying about love?

  As far as Tasia was concerned, she was trying to think logically and be smart. Not be guided by emotion. Besides, Raven wasn’t happily married either. She’d moved into her dream house with Joe, only to move out after he’d cheated on her. Not to mention the depression she’d endured. Yet more proof that loving deeply led to the worst pain.

  Tasia shook her head as she started to drive. No, she did not want to be that vulnerable. She wouldn’t allow herself to be.

  Chapter 15

  Tasia’s plan was to forget Malcolm.

  She was certain that if she threw herself deep into work, he would become a memory. A pleasant one, but a memory nonetheless. And her irrational feelings would finally dissipate.

  After she got back to Atlanta, she’d made a point to keep their phone calls quick and superficial. She didn’t want to fall back into “that fantasy” mode of thinking. Fantasies were illogical.

  But as the days passed, she couldn’t stop thinking about him. She wanted to talk to him, really talk to him, not just the brief conversations they’d had. When she made a particularly delicious meal or dessert at work, she wanted to call him and tell him about it. And as the date for the culinary competition approached, she wanted to share her nervous excitement with him.

  She had to stop feeling this way. It was wreaking havoc with her state of mind.

  “You okay, Tasia?”

  The question from the line cook interrupted her thoughts. Tasia realized she was gripping the counter, staring off into nowhere.

  “I’m fine,” she replied automatically.

  She pulled her cell phone from her apron pocket and re-read the text she’d received from Malcolm earlier.

  I’M THINKING WE NEED TO TALK. DO WE?

  It was simple, and the meaning clear. And yet, when she’d read the words, Tasia’s heart kicked into high gear. This was what she wanted, right? Malcolm’s frustration with her would lead to the inevitable. He would walk away. He would lose interest in her—eventually. Even if he was doing a bad job of that right now.

  She hadn’t replied, because she didn’t know what to say. Perhaps if she ignored him now, he would get the picture loud and clear.

  “You’re taking the coward’s way out,” she mumbled as she chopped up the roasted red peppers she was going to use in a ricotta stuffing for their dinner special of ravioli in an Arrabiata cream sauce.

  Raven was right.

  Taking a moment for herself, Tasia went into the staff washroom and did what she should have a long time ago.

  She didn’t want to call him, because talking to him would be too hard. But she summoned the guts to send him a text.

  MALCOLM, YOU’RE RIGHT. WE DO NEED TO TALK. I GUESS IT’S OBVIOUS I’VE BEEN AVOIDING YOU. I’M SORRY, BUT IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE TO CONTINUE OUR RELATIONSHIP. MY LIFE IS IN ATLANTA, YOURS IS IN MIAMI. I’D LOVE TO MAKE IT WORK, BUT I KNOW WE’LL ONLY BOTH END UP DISAPPOINTED. SO IT’S BETTER THAT WE END THINGS NOW.

>   Her fingers hovered over the SEND button.

  “Just get it over with,” she told herself.

  SEND

  When she went back into the kitchen to resume her work, she thought she would feel a sense of relief that she’d finally stopped pussyfooting around.

  Instead, she felt miserable.

  *

  Two days later, Tasia was still miserable. Malcolm had called her shortly after she’d sent him that breakup text, but she hadn’t answered. And then she’d felt guilty. She’d given herself to him completely, and it had been wonderful. Didn’t she at least owe him a real conversation?

  But talking to him would be too painful. And she knew that if he gave her even a remote argument as to why they should continue their relationship she would cave.

  No, eventually he would move on, and so would she.

  That’s what she wanted. And yet, when there were no more calls or texts from him, she was heartbroken.

  Why couldn’t she forget Malcolm the way she’d been able to forget other men in the past?

  Love.

  That word popped into her mind as she tossed and turned in bed. She couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t stop thinking about him. Even though she’d been away from him for a solid two weeks now, she still couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d fallen for him.

  She checked her bedside clock. Three a.m. Tasia got up and started pacing. In five days, she would be in New York. She was nervous about that. But what made her more anxious was how she’d treated Malcolm.

  If there was ever a time she needed her mom it was now. Then she remembered the cookbook. It had given her comfort over the past few weeks, and it would do so again. She hadn’t gone through all of the recipes yet, wanting to continue to be surprised by her mother’s creativity and passion.

  She remembered her mother’s words when she was sick, that even though she would be gone, she’d continue to be with her in spirit. Malcolm had echoed a similar sentiment, assuring her that her mother would always be with her. God, Tasia needed to believe that.

  She opened her bedside table and reached for the book. But for some reason, it wouldn’t budge. It seemed to be stuck in the drawer, so she gave it a yank and it toppled out onto the floor. It lay open, face down, and she picked it up, flipping it over. Her eyes widened at what she saw.