Born Bad

by Josephine Cox

  That night, when Judy had confided in her, the very same thought had entered Kathleen’s mind. ‘I can’t condone what Judy did,’ she conceded, ‘but she loved you, Harry. She was obviously carried away by her feelings for you, and then it was too late to tell you she wasn’t old enough for a full relationship.’

  ‘If only she’d told me earlier, we could have put it all on a different footing. I loved her enough to wait until she was older. But she led me to believe that everything was all right and I, like a damned fool, swallowed every word she said.’ He shook his head. ‘It wasn’t just that she lied about her age,’ he confided. ‘That was bad enough, but the other thing …’ His guilt was tenfold. ‘I just couldn’t cope.’

  Kathleen could see how deep it had gone with Harry, but from the anger and the hurt he was showing now, she was left in no doubt but that he still had feelings for Judy, every bit as much as he did back then.

  ‘She told me she had never loved anyone else, not in the way she loved you.’ Kathleen paused, before going on in a softer voice, ‘Deep down you already know that, don’t you, Harry?’

  Harry had told himself the very same over the years. ‘What really matters is that I should have stayed and faced it like a man. The truth is, I didn’t know what to do. Like a coward, I panicked and ran.’ Agitated, he got up to pace back and forth like a trapped animal. ‘You think that too, don’t you, Kathleen – that I did a cowardly thing?’

  Kathleen shook her head. ‘You’re wrong,’ she assured him. ‘You were a fine boy then, and you’re a fine man now. You were never a coward; you never could be, because it’s simply not in your make-up.’

  ‘So if it wasn’t cowardice, what was it that made me run? Why couldn’t I face it head on?’

  ‘Because the enormity of the situation was beyond you, that’s why.’

  ‘Did she tell you everything?’

  Kathleen confirmed it. ‘The following day, when Judy realised you were gone, she told me everything. I’ll admit, I was just as shocked as you – on both counts! Like you, I assumed that she was at least sixteen or seventeen. She certainly looked it. None of us had any reason to doubt her word.’ She recalled the moment when Judy admitted to having lied about her age.

  Then came the second bombshell, which rocked Kathleen to her roots, and there was something else too. All the while Judy was telling her, about the fact that she was only fourteen, and that Harry had made her with child, there was something about Judy’s story that made Kathleen feel uneasy.

  To this day, she suspected that Judy had deliberately hidden the real truth from her, and from Harry.

  Like Harry, Kathleen had always loved and trusted Judy, but on that occasion she was made to ask herself: what did they really know about Judy? After all, the Roberts family had not been in the street long enough for folks to really get to know them.

  Nevertheless, her affection for the girl had not wavered.

  Remembering now, she smiled. ‘From the very first I thought Judy was special. She was such a pretty, shy young thing who hardly had two words to say for herself. Of course, it was rumoured that her mother ruled the family with a rod of iron.’

  Harry had heard that too. ‘Judy talked about her father a lot, but she hardly ever mentioned her mother. In fact, she hardly ever talked about her past, or where they’d come from. I got the impression that her mother kept her on a short string, that she didn’t care for her to meet other people.’

  ‘She always found a way to be with you though,’ Kathleen reminded him. She made a wide gesture with her hands. ‘Oh, and didn’t she love this little garden! The very first time you brought her home, you spent the whole evening, talking and laughing and making plans, here on this very bench.’

  Harry recalled every magical minute of it. ‘Like you say, Kathleen, she really was very special.’ His manner darkened. ‘And when she needed me most, I let her down.’

  ‘Maybe you did, but if Judy had not lied to you about her age, the whole sorry matter would never have happened.’ She called him to sit down beside her again, then announced: ‘I’m the one who should be sorry.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Because neither of you found it in your heart to trust me. If you’d come to me, I might have been able to find a solution.’

  ‘What solution, Kathleen?’ Harry was on his feet again. ‘I loved Judy more than I can say. I thought she loved me too, but how could she, if she was prepared to let me go on believing she was old enough to have a full relationship? She knew I could have been taken away by the authorities, and still she went on lying to me.’

  He sat beside her. ‘She was fourteen,’ he groaned again. ‘Can you imagine how I felt when she told me that, and then, as if that wasn’t enough to contend with, she told me she was pregnant with my child!’

  Even after all this time, he could still feel the horror of that night. ‘She said if her mother found out, she would kill us both! I know I should have reacted differently, but all I could think of was to get away. Oh, it wasn’t all about her parents, or the police. It was about Judy being so young, and the child.’

  ‘She told me that you gave her the money to pay for an illegal abortion.’

  Harry was deeply ashamed. ‘I didn’t know what else to do, and she insisted it was for the best. But she was wrong. We both were.’

  He walked to the window where he stood silent for a while. ‘Believe me, Kathleen.’ He turned to address her. ‘I swear I would give anything to turn the clock back.’

  ‘Sure, don’t I know that already?’ She had seen the regret in his face and in his voice whenever he mentioned Judy’s name. ‘It’s all in the past now. What’s done is done and can’t be undone. You went on to make a new life and so did Judy. Don’t punish yourself, Harry Boy. You need to remember, you were not alone in making the situation. So, please, listen to me.’

  She tugged at his sleeve. ‘If you don’t let the bad memories go, son, they could well destroy you.’

  He gave a harsh laugh. ‘You could be right.’

  ‘Don’t forget, you have the boy to think of. Moreover, from what I’ve learned of Sara, she would not want you to torment yourself this way, would she, eh?’

  ‘No.’ Harry was brought up sharp by Kathleen’s wise words. ‘Sara would not want that.’

  ‘It seems you found a good woman in her. Tell me, Harry. What was she really like?’

  The memory of Sara was bittersweet for Harry. ‘She was wonderful. Understanding … forgiving. If you’d known her, you would have loved her.’

  Until now, Harry had not realised how much he needed to talk about Sara. ‘When I saw the relationship was getting serious, I told her all about Judy. I was afraid of losing her, but knew I had to take that chance.’

  ‘So – did you tell her everything – about the bairn, and how Judy lied about her age?’

  ‘I did, yes. After what happened with Judy, I was determined from the start that there would be no secrets between me and Sara.’

  ‘Sure, that’s as good a way as any to start a relationship.’ Kathleen fully approved.

  ‘I told her how Judy’s family was new into the street and that no one knew much about them. I described how we were drawn to each other from the first moment we met, the day she dropped all her shopping right in front of me. I explained how we naturally drifted into a serious relationship, and that it never occurred to me to ask about Judy’s age, especially when she had the look and manner of a much older girl.’

  He could picture Judy in his mind so clearly. ‘I told her how sincere and lovely Judy was, and how for some reason known only to herself, she let me believe she was older than her years.’

  ‘You did right to tell Sara.’ Kathleen had no doubts on that score. ‘As for Judy, we were all fooled with regards to her age. I mean, she never went to school, at least not as far as we knew. So, it was natural to assume that she had left all that behind her. Anyway, lots of people left school at fourteen.’

  ‘But I
should have known,’ Harry groaned. ‘Somehow, I should have known.’ He recalled one particular thing that had bothered him at the time, but Judy had explained it away, and he had had no reason to doubt her explanation.

  Now though, having recalled the incident, he began to wonder.

  He chose not to disclose this to Kathleen because it was a delicate, womanly thing, and he would find it embarrassing to talk about.

  The truth was, that first and only time he and Judy made love, she was unusually nervous; almost as though she didn’t want to. In fact, he was so concerned he backed off, but Judy was adamant. ‘It’s what I want,’ she insisted.

  Afterwards though, he felt as if he had betrayed her.

  As it turned out, in the end, it was Judy who betrayed him.

  Kathleen asked now, ‘How did Sara react to what you told her?’

  ‘Much like you … with compassion. She took it in her stride and urged me to track Judy down. “Put it to rest, once and for all,” is what she said, but at the time, I thought it might be best to leave it behind us.’

  ‘So, what made you come back now, after all this time?’

  ‘It was Sara. When we were told she was not long for this world, she made me promise that I would contact you, and ask if Tom and I could come home.’

  ‘She was very wise, your Sara.’

  Harry chuckled. ‘Sometimes, when I thought I was on my own, she would be watching, almost as though she knew what I was thinking. She felt my guilt. She knew I wanted to make amends with Judy, but didn’t know how.’ He was convinced of it. ‘Otherwise, why would she be so insistent that Tom and I should come back here?’

  Practical as ever, Kathleen went on to dash his hopes. ‘Maybe it was all for nothing,’ she suggested thoughtfully. ‘Especially with Judy long gone from the street.’

  Harry could not hide his disappointment. ‘Where did she go?’

  ‘I don’t know. All I know is after you’d gone away, she came to see me – in a frantic state she was. She told me everything. She admitted that she was only fourteen, and that she was with child. She said you had given her money and she’d already arranged to visit some old woman who, she claimed, had a reputation of dealing with unwanted babies. I tried my best to stop her. I even threatened to go and see her parents, but she warned me not to, because if her mother found out, she would skin her alive. So, I offered to find her a private clinic, if she really thought that was the right thing to do.’

  ‘So, what did she do?’ Harry’s guilt was tenfold.

  ‘I truly believed she was listening to what I had to say. I got her to promise not to do anything until she’d thought it through. I asked her to come back as soon as she felt able, and between us, we would find a way to deal with it.’

  Saddened, she shrugged her shoulders. ‘When I didn’t see her for a while, I assumed she was still giving it some serious thought. Then a short time later, she told me she had already been to this woman, and that everything was all right now.’

  Harry blamed himself. ‘If I hadn’t given her the money, she would never have done it.’ Now he wanted to know, ‘Where can I find this woman who gets rid of unwanted babies?’

  Kathleen bristled. ‘If I knew that, Harry Boy, I would be speaking to the authorities.’

  ‘And are you really sure that Judy was all right afterwards?’

  Kathleen nodded. ‘Like she said, everything was dealt with.’

  ‘Do you have any idea where she is now?’

  ‘’Fraid not. All I know is, soon after Judy came to see me, she and her family moved away. I don’t know why they left the street, or where they went. If I did I would tell you, so I would.’

  Harry believed she was telling the truth.

  ‘How can I find her?’ he asked now. ‘Where should I look?’

  ‘Do you really want my opinion?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Leave it be. Let her go, Harry Boy. Sometimes, raking over old coals can get you badly burned. They may look dead, but somewhere underneath, the flame often burns on.’

  ‘Kathleen!’ Harry felt that she was hiding something. ‘Do you know where Judy is?’

  The little woman shook her head. ‘Wherever she is now, she’s obviously managed to put it all behind her. Happen you must do the same. Years have passed and things have changed. It’s time to look forward now. You need to build a future, for you and your son.’

  The two of them talked well into the night, moving back indoors when it grew too chilly outside.

  Harry wondered if there was work to be found locally, and Kathleen gave him a few pointers. ‘Well, there’s the Plysu factory in Woburn Sands,’ she said. ‘They’ve extended the business and need more people. Oh, and I heard that Jacobs’ Store in Bedford needs a new tallyman. Old Ernie Wright’s done the job for over twenty years, but he’s retired now.’

  She was convinced. ‘That one should suit you down to the ground. You’ll get a good wage and you’ll be out and about, meeting all kinds of folks. What’s more, you’ll be able to work out your own route and timetable.’

  She laughed out loud. ‘Old Ernie met a lot of naughty women on his rounds, including his second wife. He used to stop at every house and have a cuppa … though he never accepted a slice o’ cake until he got here.’ She gave another cheery, infectious giggle. ‘That’s because he knew the best cake lived at my house!’

  Harry was highly amused, and for a time they got sidetracked; but then he needed to bring the conversation back to work. ‘So, what is a tallyman?’ he asked. If it was anything to do with figures he’d be fine, as he had often worked as a bookkeeper after leaving the Army.

  ‘If you call at the store, sure they’ll tell you all about it. And you know what? I reckon you’re just the fella they’re looking for.’

  ‘Oh, you do, do you?’ He was certainly interested. ‘In that case, I might just go and have a word with them.’

  Later that night, when Harry and Tom were fast asleep, Kathleen sat at the kitchen table supping her bedtime drink.

  In her mind she went over the conversation with Harry. ‘It’s a curious thing,’ she muttered, clearing away her cup, ‘how the love and devotion of two young people can create such a lifetime of heartache.’

  Turning out the lights, she shuffled her way up the stairs and into her room, where she softly closed the door.

  A moment later, with her arms raised to close the curtains, she took a few seconds to marvel at the night skies. She had always thought the heavens were uniquely magnificent. With a myriad of twinkling diamonds against a forever carpet of midnight blue, there could be no other creation like it in the whole world.

  She stayed awhile, letting the beauty sink into her senses, then she quietly addressed the heavens. ‘Well, Judy, here we are,’ she whispered. ‘Your boy is home again. Sure, he’s a tortured man, and he’s looking to find his first love. So, what are we going to do, Judy m’darlin’? How will it all end, I wonder. And where are you now? What have you done with your life? More than that, did ye find happiness … or are ye haunted, just like yer man?’

  She sat on the edge of the bed for a long time, thinking and wondering; recalling the very last conversation she had had with Judy.

  After a time, she undressed and slid between the sheets, but she was deeply troubled, and not only because of the things she and Harry had openly discussed.

  More importantly, it was the very things she had deliberately kept from Harry, that wounded her most and which made her deeply ashamed for the first time in her life. Bad things touching on abortion, family and wickedness. And especially the fact that Judy had come to see her another time; with news that had lifted her old heart in forgiveness.

  She had toyed with the idea of telling Harry, then thought it kinder, and wiser, to let him believe what she had just now told him. It wasn’t her secret to reveal. Moreover, her suspicions were now substantiated. Yet doubts still tormented her.

  She still didn’t have the whole story. At one po
int she had almost got the truth out of Judy; until the poor girl grew afraid and ran away.

  ‘Harry has a right to know my thoughts,’ she whispered to the darkness, ‘but oh, dear Lord, how can I ever be sure?’

  She knew one thing though. Harry had already been the victim of deception. If the truth was even more disturbing, and Judy had not entrusted him with it, she would not be surprised if he turned his back on her and Judy for all time.

  Turning over, she closed her eyes, but sleep eluded her. There were things on her mind that should be spoken out loud.

  After a time, she climbed out of bed and went softly on tippy-toes down the stairs. She entered the kitchen, closed the door behind her and made herself another cup of cocoa. Then she sat at the table, rolling the cup about in her hands and thinking what to do.

  ‘Not telling him of my suspicions is tantamount to betraying him yet again!’ she chided herself. ‘That’s exactly what Judy did, and that’s what drove him away for all these years. He deserves to know!’ The truth played heavy on her mind.

  She was all for telling him, and then she was not, and now she was desperately trying to justify keeping him in the dark. ‘If I tell him now, it will cause more heartache, so it will.’

  Pushing her cocoa aside, she left it untouched and crept back to her bed. Rightly or wrongly, her decision was made. She intended to keep her own counsel, for the alternative would be too cruel for everyone concerned.

  ‘He’ll find her, or he won’t!’ she muttered as she clambered back under the bedclothes. ‘Either way, I can’t be the one to stir up trouble. He’s had enough upset in his life, without me adding to his burden now.’

  Before drifting into a restless sleep, she turned her sad gaze to the window.

  ‘Forgive me,’ she begged some unseen entity. ‘I can’t voice my thoughts just now, but for Harry’s sake, I only hope and pray I’m doing the right thing by remaining silent.’

  Chapter Four

  THE FOLLOWING MORNING, Harry was ready to go looking for work. ‘Are you sure you don’t mind keeping an eye on Tom?’ he asked Kathleen. Though reluctant to leave his boy behind, he had been pleased to see how the pair of them were getting on like a house on fire.