Born Bad

by Josephine Cox

  ‘Are you cold, m’dear?’ Even though it was a mild evening, he could feel Judy trembling against him. ‘Don’t you worry, we’ll soon have you right,’ he promised. ‘A cup of my hot chocolate works wonders.’

  Having locked the outer doors, Pauline stood by the bar, watching the two of them amble along to the back room. ‘Oh, Judy, love. How did it ever come to this?’ It was times such as these, when she really feared for her friend.

  While Alan went to make the drinks, Pauline tried once more to persuade Judy. ‘At least stay the night with us, love. Give him a chance to calm down.’

  ‘I’ll be all right in a minute, then I’ll go home. He’ll be watching out for me.’ Judy knew that if she didn’t go back to Jackson Street, he would return to the Bedford Arms and break the place up to get at her. Just thinking about it made her sick to her stomach.

  Seeing how pale and unhappy Judy looked, Pauline tried reasoning with her. ‘I don’t understand you,’ she said. ‘Why in God’s name do you stay with him?’

  In her heart Judy could find any number of reasons why she had stayed with him all this time; none of them good. When she now replied to Pauline’s question, she gave only one answer. ‘We’re two of a kind, that’s why.’

  ‘Never!’ Many times, Pauline had witnessed at first hand how kind and gentle Judy was. She had seen her with customers young and old, listening to their aches and woes, giving a sensitive cuddle here and there, and sometimes lifting their spirits by making them laugh.

  When some time back an old regular had fallen ill, Judy visited her every day, sitting and talking with her, and running whatever errands were needed.

  ‘You’re a kind and lovely person, Judy,’ Pauline told her now. ‘You and Phil Saunders are like chalk and cheese. Everybody knows you would rather hurt yourself than hurt anyone else, so please, don’t ever put yourself in the same class as that monster!’

  ‘You don’t know everything,’ Judy told her. ‘You don’t know … what happened.’ Her voice broke with emotion. ‘I’m sorry,’ she wept.

  Sensing there was more to tell, Pauline asked quietly, ‘What are you so sorry about, Judy? What’s bothering you?’

  Dismayed that she had almost revealed what she had tried all these years to forget, Judy gave a shaky smile. ‘I’m sorry, because you and Alan are my only real friends in the whole world, and I’m such a nuisance to you both.’

  ‘You are never a nuisance. Alan and I love you like family. We want to help, that’s all.’

  ‘I love you too,’ Judy told her sincerely, ‘but I need to deal with things myself. I really think I should go home now.’

  Before Pauline could reply, the sound of loud snoring resonated through the room.

  Startled, Judy and Pauline glanced across to where Alan was lying with his feet up on the arm of the sofa. His arms above his head, he was fast and hard asleep, mouth open and tongue rattling. Pauline tried hard not to laugh, but when Judy started giggling, she couldn’t help herself. ‘What am I gonna do with him, eh?’ she chuckled.

  ‘Should we get him to bed, or leave him there?’ Judy asked.

  ‘Leave the bugger there.’ Pauline didn’t think twice. ‘Lazy article! If he thinks we’re gonna bust our boilers carting him upstairs, he can think again! He didn’t even make our hot chocolate, did he?’ They laughed again.

  Thankful for the timely intervention, Judy helped Pauline to cover him over and make him comfortable. ‘We can sit and chat a while longer, if you like,’ Pauline suggested. ‘If you need to talk, that is?’ She suspected Judy was keeping a secret, though what it could be, she had no idea.

  An hour later, after much persuasion, Judy let Pauline show her to the guest room. ‘You look really tired,’ the landlady said, and yawned. ‘One night away from your husband, just to get your thoughts together, won’t hurt anyone – least of all you.’

  It wasn’t long before the pub fell quiet, save for Alan’s loud rhythmic snoring. Having left him to sleep it off, Pauline settled in their bed alone.

  Judy was in the spare room, but she was not asleep, nor was she in bed.

  Folded in the deep wooden rocking chair in the corner, her mind was alive with all manner of thoughts and memories, of Fisher’s Hill and Harry, and the way it was; and her heart was broken. ‘Where are you, Harry?’ she murmured. ‘Why did you never come back for me?’

  She turned her sorry gaze to the window, where the night skies were alive with shifting clouds, and for a long moment, she was mesmerised. ‘I ruined it all, and now I have to face the consequences,’ she told herself. ‘My life will never be the same; no strong arms around me, no gentle talk and warm, loving glances.’

  Closing her eyes, she could see Harry’s face, feel his gaze on her, as though the two of them, so in love, was not so many years since, but only a moment ago. Wasn’t it wonderful, she thought, how you could keep something in your heart forever, even though in the real world it was already gone.

  She gave a deep, aching sigh, knowing in her heart and soul that she would never again know such love. ‘I deserve to be unhappy,’ she whispered to the skies. ‘I should never have lied. I should have been brave enough to tell him the truth, but I couldn’t, and now I’m paying the price.’

  She spent a while longer, thinking of the heartfelt vows she and Harry had exchanged. Vows that meant everything then, but that were based on deception. Her deception.

  In spite of all that, her memories of the time with Harry were a precious lifeline to her. They were her shining light in the quiet, lonely darkness.

  Above all else, the wonderful, heart-warming memories of Harry, kept her sane.

  Getting undressed, she put on one of Pauline’s nightgowns, then went into the bathroom and washed from head to toe. Pauline had brought in a bag of toiletries containing a toothbrush and toothpaste, and a brush to tame her thick, tangled hair.

  Afterwards, feeling much better, she climbed into bed and was soon asleep – with Harry, and her beloved memories.

  But then there was the other one! The one she so desperately needed to forget. The one who haunted her dreams night after night, giving her no peace.

  Even now after all this time, the pain of it never went away.

  In the early hours, Pauline awoke in a panic. ‘What was that noise?’ Turning to look beside her, she was surprised to see how Alan had made his way to bed at some time during the night. His snoring was as loud as ever.

  Shaking her husband by the shoulder, she tried to wake him, and then she remembered. ‘Judy!’ In her state of semi-awareness, she had forgotten that Judy was in the house.

  She listened again, and there it was: someone was crying!

  Leaping out of bed, she went quickly along the landing. She inched open the door to Judy’s room and peered in. ‘Judy, it’s me – Pauline. Are you all right?’

  In the dimly-lit room, she could see Judy’s small shape. She was still asleep, and obviously in distress, ‘Harry, I need you! Don’t leave me, I’m sorry … I’m so sorry.’

  Pauline spoke softly to her, ‘Judy, I’m here. Pauline’s here.’ Hurrying across the room, Pauline climbed onto the bed and took Judy in her arms; rocking her gently, ‘Ssh! It’s all right … I’m here … ssh.’

  When Judy opened her eyes and saw Pauline there, all the fear and sadness welled over. Safe in her friend’s loving arms, she sobbed as though she would never stop. ‘I was bad,’ she kept saying. ‘I was bad and he left me … Harry left me.’

  For what seemed an age, she cried and in between gave the tiniest insight into her most secret thoughts. ‘I had to lie.’ She said it over and over. ‘I had to lie!’

  A short time later, when Judy finally succumbed to a deep, quiet slumber, Pauline made her way back to her own room and climbed into bed. She listened for a time, and when she was satisfied that Judy was resting easy, she settled herself beneath the eiderdown.

  She was curious. Who was Harry? Was it someone Judy had once known and lost touch with? Certainly
Judy had never spoken to her of anyone by that name.

  Whoever he was, he had caught Judy’s heart, until now he was invading her dreams. Where had he gone? Why had he left her, this Harry, whom Judy so loved?

  Moreover, what did Judy mean when she claimed that she had had to lie. Who had she lied to? Was it this man called Harry? Or was it to someone else?

  More importantly, what was this lie all about, and why was it haunting Judy in such a way?

  Pauline got out of bed and sat in the chair, her thoughts straying back to Judy. Even though she had known her for some time, and loved her dearly, Pauline realised how little she really knew about Judy. Sadly, her dear friend was not one for confiding in others.

  For just a moment back there, she had caught a glimpse of Judy’s troubled mind, and it concerned her.

  After a while, believing Judy to be soundly asleep, she climbed into bed and slid quietly between the sheets, ‘Sleep well, Judy,’ she murmured before closing her eyes.

  Yet Judy’s tearful words, and the heart-felt plea that Harry should forgive her, were too alive in her mind.

  Now Pauline was the one who couldn’t sleep.

  Chapter Ten

  A FEW HOURS LATER, when the morning sun came streaming in through the windows, Pauline woke with a start.

  ‘Alan!’ She gave her husband a shove with the sharp end of her elbow. ‘Alan, are you awake?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘It’s time to get up.’

  Opening one eye, he winked at the bedside clock. ‘Not yet.’

  ‘What d’you mean, not yet! Look, it’s seven o’clock already; time we were up and about!’

  ‘You can be up and about if you like,’ he rumbled. ‘As for me, I’m here for at least another hour, and wild horses won’t drag me out.’

  ‘Oh, really? Well, if you’re expecting me to do all the work while you laze in bed, you can think again.’ She gave him another shove. ‘Wake up, you bone-idle article. What’s wrong with you?’

  ‘Nothing’s wrong with me!’

  ‘So get your lazy backside out of bed.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Why the devil not?’ she demanded, flummoxed.

  He looked up out of one eye, then grinned triumphantly. ‘It’s Sunday, you daft devil!’

  Pauline had completely forgotten. ‘Oh, right. Well, you get back to sleep for another hour or so. I’m off downstairs to make a drink.’

  ‘Go on then, and don’t come back.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘It means I’m tired, and you’re aggravating me. It means I’ve already lost my precious sleep, on account of every time I close my eyes, there’s you poking and prodding and threatening to shove a pillow down my throat because of a few gentle snores.’

  ‘Oh, shut up! Don’t be such a baby!’ she groaned. ‘Gentle snores indeed. Huh!’

  ‘Bye!’ waving his hand, he rolled over into her warm space. ‘Just clear off and let a fella get some sleep.’

  Grumbling and groaning, Pauline quickly dressed, brushed her hair and made her way to Judy’s room.

  There were no signs of their guest. The curtains were open and the bed was made, but Judy was nowhere to be seen.

  Worried, Pauline made her way downstairs and there in the kitchen, pouring boiling water into a teapot, was Judy, looking more refreshed and with no sign of the upheaval in the night, apart from the faintest of shadows beneath her quiet, grey eyes.

  ‘Morning, Pauline.’ Judy had tried not to wake her two friends. ‘I hope I didn’t disturb you just now, when I came down?’

  Pauline came across the room. ‘No, you didn’t. I just wondered where you were,’ she said. ‘I was worried in case you’d got up in the night and made your way back to him.’ She made no effort to disguise her feelings towards Phil Saunders.

  ‘Well, as you can see, I didn’t go back.’ Judy gestured for Pauline to sit. ‘I will have to go back though. I’m surprised he isn’t already battering on the front door.’

  Taking the cup of tea offered, Pauline waited for Judy to sit at the table opposite her. ‘I’m worried about you, pet,’ she told her sincerely.

  Judy shook her head. ‘Don’t be.’

  For a few minutes they talked of this and that – laughing at Alan’s snoring, and drinking their tea, both of them deliberately avoiding talk of the night’s events until, after a while, Judy nervously approached the subject. ‘Thank you, Pauline,’ she said softly.

  ‘What for?’

  ‘You know what for.’

  Pauline nodded. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ she asked pointedly. ‘I mean, really talk about it?’

  For a moment it seemed as though Judy might confide in her, then she shook her head. ‘No. Best not.’

  ‘Okay.’ Pauline wisely backed off. ‘If that’s what you want.’ She sipped her tea and after a minute or so, said, ‘I fancy a piece of toast – want some?’

  ‘No, thanks all the same. I’ll have my tea and then I’ll make my way back, before Phil takes it into his head to cause any more trouble for you.’ She added angrily, ‘That’s if he’s not still blotto from last night.’

  ‘It wouldn’t surprise me at all.’ Pauline recalled how totally out of his mind Phil had been. ‘He knows how to make a fool of himself, that’s for sure!’

  While she talked she moved about, opening windows and making toast, adding an extra slice under the grill in case Judy changed her mind.

  Then she came back to the table, where Judy appeared to be deep in thought. Sensing that she was going over last night’s events in her mind, Pauline munched on her toast and gave Judy the time and quiet she obviously needed.

  After a moment or two, Judy looked up. ‘Pauline?’

  ‘Mmm?’ Pauline had a mouthful of hot toast.

  ‘About last night.’

  Pauline swallowed the remnants of her toast, ‘What, you mean Phil getting drunk out of his mind?’ she asked. ‘Don’t you worry about that. It’s nothing new.’

  Judy gave a sad little smile. ‘Phil’s drunk out of his mind most of the time, but I didn’t mean that.’ She paused, seemingly embarrassed. ‘I mean, when you came to my room, I was dreaming, talking out loud.’

  Pauline understood. ‘It’s all right,’ she assured her. ‘I didn’t hear a thing, or if I did, I’ve already forgotten.’

  Grateful for Pauline’s integrity, Judy told her, ‘You’re a good friend.’

  Having torn off another chunk of her toast, Pauline grunted acknowledgement.

  Another few minutes passed, with Pauline chatting on about Alan and chuckling at how she had no idea why she’d put up with him all these years.

  ‘You love him, that’s why,’ Judy told her. ‘When you love somebody, you would do anything to be with them.’ She had tried so hard not to think of Harry, but he was always there, in her mind and in her heart. So too, was her guilt.

  Pauline knew she was thinking of the man called ‘Harry’ and she was curious. ‘You talk as if you love somebody enough to do anything for him,’ she remarked quietly. ‘I don’t believe it’s Phil Saunders either.’

  She did not pressure Judy, nor did it really matter whether the young woman answered her or not. All she wanted was for Judy to face her demons in the light of day. It was the only way forward.

  So, she sipped her tea and waited.

  In the background, the ticking of the wall clock seemed unusually loud, but then the silence between Judy and Pauline was thick and heavy. Having finished her short breakfast, Pauline went to the sink, where she rinsed out the cups.

  Her mind was on Judy, and what she might be thinking right now. ‘Is she thinking of the one called Harry, or is she thinking I should mind my own business?’ Pauline asked herself.

  Returning to the table, she began collecting up the sugar bowl and milk jug, and as she turned to walk away, she felt Judy’s hand curl into hers. ‘You want to know about Harry, don’t you?’ Judy asked.

  Greatly relieved, Pa
uline acknowledged this with a nod. ‘You need to talk about him, love. You need to share whatever it is that’s hurting you.’

  ‘I know you’re right,’ Judy sighed. ‘Only, it’s so difficult.’

  Replacing the milk jug and sugar bowl, Pauline sat herself down. ‘I’m here for you, Judy,’ she said. ‘All I want is to help you, and if you feel the need to talk, that’s all to the good. But you don’t have to tell me everything. You can tell me as much or as little as makes you feel easier. All I want is for you to face your nightmares, because if you don’t, they will haunt you for ever.’

  Judy heard what Pauline was saying and she knew that every word was true. She did need to face her nightmares. She needed so much for someone else to know what had really happened. She so much wanted to open that dark locked door inside her, and let the demons out.

  To be rid of them once and for all.

  She knew it would not be easy; all these years, whenever she thought she was ready to tell, she could never bring herself to do it.

  That was not surprising, she thought sadly, for how could she ever tell the real truth to anyone else, when it was so ugly, she could not even deal with it herself.

  Pauline’s voice interrupted her thoughts. ‘If you need to talk about it, now’s the time.’ She gave a little smile. ‘Before Alan starts with the snoring again.’

  As always, Pauline’s wry sense of humour had broken the ice, and for a moment, Judy found herself actually laughing. But then as Irish Kathleen would say, ‘after the laughter comes the tears,’ and it was true, because now the tears were rolling down Judy’s face. ‘I do want to talk about it,’ she told Pauline in a whisper. ‘I just don’t know how.’

  Pauline knew then that there had been something very wrong in Judy’s past life. ‘Tell me about Harry,’ she prompted, hoping that would be a good place to start. ‘You obviously loved him very much?’

  Judy took a deep breath. ‘We were just kids, and yes, I did love him, more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. Oh, I know I married Phil, and that was unfair to us both, because the truth is, I’ve never stopped loving Harry. I never will.’