The Heart of a Girl (The Haven Series)

by Kaitlyn Oruska

  “Why are you cleaning my apartment?” Nolan asked, laughing.

  “Someone has to,” I replied. “And I doubt I can count on you to actually do it.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Lainey. They have cleaning services here. I’ll probably just sign up for that.”

  “With what money?” I demanded. “Nolan, you have to start getting serious about the future. You dropped out of college and you have no job and now you have an apartment to make rent on every month. It’s time to grow up a little.”

  “Whoa!” Nolan protested, holding his hands in the air. “Where did that come from?”

  I ignored him and went around tidying up a little more, trying to remember what I was doing there and why it seemed so important in the car. I should have just gone home, relieved Adam of daddy duty and spent the rest of the day with Harper. That was where I was more comfortable and it was where I belonged. Not here with the boy that had broken my best friend’s heart, cleaning up his apartment because he couldn’t be bothered to do it himself.

  “I have to go,” I said suddenly and started to head towards the door, even though I had no idea how I was going to get anywhere. Nolan lived downtown and it would be about a thirty minute walk, if I were lucky, back home. But maybe that would be good. Maybe it was exactly what I needed.

  “You just got here,” Nolan protested, jumping in front of me and leaning against the door. “What’s going on? Did Adam do something?”

  “No,” I said testily. “Adam didn’t do anything. I just have to go. I don’t even know why I came over.”

  “Well, there was obviously a reason. Don’t go, Lainey. Talk to me.” He was almost pleading with me and the humor that had been in his eyes moments before disappeared. He looked almost like a lost little boy, and I felt obligated to stay. I needed to figure this out, anyway. Whatever this was.

  “Why are we suddenly friends?” I asked him, turning around and heading back to the couch. Nolan sat down next to me and frowned.

  “I don’t know. We just are. Why?”

  “It doesn’t make sense,” I explained. “You were Adam’s best friend when I met him and we barely said two words to each other until you started dating Hannah. You broke her heart before you two were even official and I only supported your relationship because she really cared about you, even though you were bad for her. Why are we friends now? What changed?”

  “Everything,” Nolan said. “We’re not the same people we were a year ago, Lainey, not by far.”

  “I am,” I insisted and he shook his head, disagreeing with me.

  “You’re way different, Lainey. A year ago, you would never ignore the way Adam’s been acting the way you do now. You would have called him out on it, demanded he change and not take no for an answer. Now, he does what he wants, goes out all the time, and you just accept it.”

  “He does not,” I protested. “Not anymore, anyway.”

  “Yeah, and he didn’t stop because you asked him to. He stopped because Mason said something about it. I don’t get it, Lainey. Why do you let him not take full responsibility, the way you have?”

  “I don’t know,” I answered, because that was true. “I don’t want to lose him. It’s scary enough being a mom, but being one without Harper’s dad around… I don’t think I could do it.”

  “So you let him do whatever, just so he won’t leave? That’s not like you, Lainey.”

  “And what about you?” I demanded. “You’re a completely different person now and you act like you don’t care about anything. I don’t think that’s any healthier than being a pushover.”

  “I never said you were a pushover, and what are you talking about, I don’t care about anything? I care about a lot of things!” Now it was his turn to get defensive.

  “Really? Because last I checked, you dropped out of school after not even completing a full semester and you got kicked out of your parents’ house and don’t even seem to care.”

  “I didn’t get kicked out of my parents’ house,” he said quietly.

  “What?” I asked, surprised. “You told me…”

  “I know what I told you, and I lied. The truth is, my parents don’t even know I’m back yet. I didn’t want to tell them about college because I knew my dad would freak out. I went straight to you and Adam’s house as soon as I got back in the area because I figured even though Adam and I hadn’t spoken in forever, at least I’d have a chance.”

  “You lied,” I fumed, more enraged about it then maybe I should be. “God, Nolan, I guess you haven’t changed at all.”

  I stood up, preparing to leave again but Nolan grabbed my arm, stopping me. “Would you have let me crash on your couch if I’d told you the truth?” He asked.

  “No,” I admitted, still angry.

  “Exactly. Come on, Lainey, you know better than anyone how parents can be when they don’t approve of your decisions. I didn’t want to deal with that, not yet. I just wanted to be around people that I thought cared about me, that I care about.”

  “We barely knew each other before you came back, Nolan,” I protested. “We had a few conversations last year and if I remember correctly, most of them involved me yelling at you for the way you treated Hannah.”

  Nolan smiled and loosened his grip on my arm. I didn’t move.

  “I know,” he replied. “That’s how I know you care.”

  I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall next to the door. I felt tired, drained. Everything seemed to weight on me, the enormity of what my life had become. I was here because I thought there was a chance I had feelings for him, for Nolan. Now I realized how insane that was. Even if it were true, it could never work.

  I felt Nolan move closer, and put his hands on either side of me, against the wall. I felt trapped, but it wasn’t a necessarily bad feeling. I opened my eyes and stared into his blue ones.

  “You’re so wrong when you say I don’t care about anything,” he said softly. “I care about you, Lainey, more than I thought I’d ever care about anyone. Even Hannah, in a way, but that was different. I just…” His voice trailed off, and I didn’t have any desire to ask him to finish his sentence. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it might explode right out of my chest.

  He leaned forward slowly and I didn’t stop him. I didn’t stop him as his lips hovered over me and felt my eyes close almost on their own as his mouth brushed against mine. Kissing him was completely different than kissing Adam. His lips moved roughly against my lips, his tongue forcing them open, meeting mine.

  One hand left the wall and tangled in my hair, pulling me closer to him. He continued to lead me until he literally fell over the arm of the couch, pulling me down on top of him. Our lips still didn’t break apart.

  He rolled over so that he was on top of me, kissing me harder with every passing moment. His hand reached up my shirt, causing the skin along my side to tingle and I let him. I responded in a way I hadn’t since that night in September with Adam, before that phone call. Phone call. My phone was ringing and it was enough to make me push Nolan off, staring at him in shock.

  He sat up, staring at me with the same shock I felt and my face turned redder than I was sure it had ever been before. “Oh my God,” I whispered, shaking my head. I pulled my phone out my pocket and checked it. One missed called from Adam. I felt horrible, worse than I ever had before.

  Adam was home with our baby, wondering where I was. I was at his former best friend’s apartment, making out with him. I was officially the worst mother in the world. No, the worst person in the world.

  “That’s never going to happen again,” I said, standing up and smoothing my shirt over my stomach.

  “Lainey…” Nolan started, but I was headed back to the door once again, determined not to let him stop me.

  “Lainey,” he said again, and jumped ahead of me.

  “Let me go,” I demanded.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “Please try to hear me out. I’m sorry.”

  “Never again, Nol
an,” I whispered, feeling all the fight draining out of me. How was I going to explain this to Adam? Or should I just try and forget it ever happened? That felt too dishonest, but telling him felt too dangerous. He already didn’t trust the two of us alone together. To give him proof of how he was right all along, that just didn’t sit well with me.

  “Lainey, listen to me. I’m not sorry I kissed you. To be totally honest, I’ve wanted to do that since I got back. I’m just sorry I put you in this situation.”

  “Nolan, stop!” I exclaimed. “You can’t be serious. I’m with your best friend. I have a daughter with him.” I said those words carefully so he would hear them clearly and realize how ridiculous this situation was.

  “You have no idea, do you?” He was staring at me now with a look of sympathy and even a little bit of pity, which just served to enrage me.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” I spat out. “I know all I need to know, and right now I know that we can’t do this anymore. We can’t be friends if this is how it’s going to be.”

  I started to walk past him and this time he made no attempt to stop me. His lack of action caused me to stop myself before reaching for the door handle.

  “Why aren’t you and Adam friends anymore?” I asked, turning around. “Tell me right now, while you have nothing left to lose.”

  Nolan turned around, and looked at me so sadly I almost worried he might cry. I wondered if it were my fault he looked that way, if it were true that he’d wanted to kiss me since he got back. How was that even possible? He was the same boy that had avoided Hannah the minute it was clear she could offer him something more than what he’d had with anyone else. Why in the world would he pursue a girl with a baby, a girl with more responsibility than he’d even imagine at this age?

  “Because he cheated on you,” Nolan said, his voice steady. “He cheated on you and I called him out on it because you don’t deserve that. Not after everything you’ve gone through, everything he put you through.”

  The next few moments felt more like watching a movie in slow motion than actually living it. I felt my knees buckle and I sank down slowly to the floor. “What?” I whispered.

  Nolan walked over to me and bent down so that we were eye level. “He cheated on you,” he repeated gently. “Back in July. I found out and told him he needed to get his act together because you deserved more and Harper deserved better. He told me to mind my own business and I threatened to tell you if he didn’t. We got into a fight and he stopped talking to me. I thought about telling you, before I left for California, but… I saw you with Harper, and how happy you were and I didn’t want to ruin that. I regret that now, more than you’ll ever know.”

  “Who?” I whispered, desperate to know who it was that had taken Adam away from me, even for just one night.

  Nolan shook his head sadly. “It doesn’t matter, Lainey.”

  “Yes it does,” I insisted. “Was it Maggie? Please tell me it wasn’t Maggie.”

  “It wasn’t,” he reassured me. “She knows better than to come near either of us anymore.”

  “Then who?” I felt tears fill my eyes and they began to fall without any resistance from me. “Please, Nolan. Who?”

  He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Natalie,” he said finally.

  “Natalie?” I repeated, a sick feeling invading my body. “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure.”

  And then it all fit together. The end of the school year last night, hearing about the cookout Erin was throwing for one of Morgan’s old high school friends. I’d known then that it was her. Some sort of sixth sense. But then she had been forgotten.

  But apparently not by Adam.

  “How many times?” I whispered.

  “Just once that I know of. But we stopped talking after that, Lainey. I’m so sorry. I wish I didn’t have to be the one to tell you, but with the way Adam’s been acting and with the way I feel…”

  “I have to go,” I whispered, and this time Nolan didn’t try to stop me.

  “I’ll drive you,” he said and put his arms around me, pulling me from the ground.

  Chapter 25

  Nolan wanted to come inside with me but I refused to let him. Whatever was about to happen wasn’t going to be good and having him there could potentially make it even worse.

  I stepped in the door and Adam emerged from the back of the house. “Where have you been?” He asked, looking both surprised and relieved. “I thought you were supposed to be home over an hour ago?”

  “I’m sorry you had to take care of your own daughter an hour longer than you wanted,” I said sarcastically, taking off my jacket and hanging it on the rack by the door.

  “What the hell, Lainey. I asked a question. I just put her down for a nap if you want to go check on her.”

  He headed towards the TV and I followed him, placing a hand on his shoulder before he could sit down. He turned around and our eyes met. I was suddenly full of emotion, every one imaginable. His eyes, the same dark espresso color they’ve always been. The same eyes that had caught me in the first place, trapped me. His lips, full and always kissable, hiding the teeth that presented the perfect smile. His dark hair, the exact same shade as Harper’s, cut the same way it had always been. Short, but long enough to run my fingers through. How my fingers ached to run through those strands now.

  I moved closer to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. He responded immediately, pulling me closer to him and brushing his lips against mine. His kiss was so different than Nolan’s, softer and filled with so much tenderness. There wasn’t urgency behind it, just familiarity. He kisses felt like home. My heart broke into a million different pieces.

  “Why?” I whispered when I pulled away from him, dropped my arms from around his neck. He stared at me, confused.

  “Why what?” He asked.

  “Why her?”

  “Who?” He repeated, his eyebrows furrowing.

  “Natalie,” I whispered. “Why her, after all you went through with her? After all you went through with me? We have a baby, Adam.”

  His face fell and lost all color. “Lainey…” he started, but didn’t finish. He had no idea what to say to me.

  “Is it because of that?” I asked. “Is it because Harper was a lot more than you bargained for? Do you regret all of this? Is that why you went back to her?”

  “I didn’t go back to her, Lainey. It was a mistake and I’m so, so sorry. I wanted to tell you, but…”

  “But you didn’t,” I finished for him. “It was five months ago and you haven’t said one word. I wondered why you changed so much overnight but I never thought it could be that.” My eyes filled with tears and I wiped them away frantically, but to no avail. They just kept flowing.

  “Let me explain,” he said moving towards me, but I backed away. There was nothing for him to explain, nothing left for him to say. He’d cheated on me. Scott warned me it would happen sooner or later back when I was pregnant and blind and I’d insisted otherwise. He’d cheated on Maggie because he didn’t love her, but he loved me. He loved me and our baby. How wrong I’d been.

  “There’s nothing to explain,” I said.

  “There’s a hell of a lot to explain. Lainey, you have no idea what I was going through after Harper was born. It was so much at once. You were so emotional all the time and Harper was so needy, and I felt like I couldn’t do anything for either of you. And then you started pushing me away. All you wanted to do was take care of Harper and it was like I didn’t matter anymore. You have no idea how that feels.”

  “You really think I don’t?” I asked. “How do you think this feels?”

  “I’m sorry, Lainey. I’m so sorry. Please try to understand.”

  “Please tell me it was just that one time,” I whispered, thinking back to my kiss with Nolan. If it were just that one time, an honest mistake, a lapse in judgment, then maybe I could forgive him. I’d done it myself, not just with Nolan but with Adam when we first met.
A kiss wasn’t the same as sex, but I could forgive him if it were just once. I could move past it.

  His face fell even and I knew. I knew it wasn’t a onetime thing, but an ongoing thing. A sob escaped my throat and I attempted to run back to our bedroom. He grabbed me before I moved more than a few steps, pulling me against this chest.

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered and I could tell he was beginning to cry. I wept into his chest, soaking his shirt in a matter of minutes. But I didn’t care. I had never experienced pain like this before. At least the physical pain of delivering Harper had been worth it in the end. But nothing good could come from this. I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.

  “I love you so much, Lainey. I messed up and I know that but I never stopped loving you.”

  I tried to imagine how much he could have possibly loved me when he was kissing her, touching her, and then going back for more. It didn’t seem plausible.

  “How long?” I asked him, once I’d gotten ahold of myself enough to form words again.

  “Please don’t do this,” he pleaded. I was determined to find out everything I could. No matter how much it broke me.

  “How long did it go on for?” I asked again, my voice more stern this time.

  “A few months,” he whispered. “We broke it off in September. She left again and she isn’t coming back. I swear Lainey, it’s over for good.”

  “You cheated on me for two months,” I said and it came across as a statement more so than a question. But there was no question about it; he’d just admitted to it. For two months Adam had been unfaithful to me with the girl that had gotten away. The girl that broke his heart. Somehow that made it even worse.

  “I regret every second of it,” he insisted, but I didn’t believe him.

  “I’m leaving,” I told him, though I had no idea where I was going to go. Bella Vista, probably. It was December, which meant it was probably half-dead. Nora and my dad were getting divorced. I could go back there and it could be like before, except not just me and my dad. There would be Mason and eventually Cynthia and maybe even Hannah. Maybe this would be the thing convincing her to stay.