“We’re young,” I told him, as if that could explain everything. “Neither of us knows what we’re doing most of the time. We just do whatever seems right at the moment, and deal with the consequences later.”
“It never felt right with her,” he said, shaking his head. “Never. I knew it was wrong, but I kept going back.”
“And you don’t know why?”
He sighed. “I think I know why, but I don’t like it.”
“Tell me.”
He looked down at me and I cringed inwardly at the pain his eyes held. “You weren’t the same after Harper was born. She was your world. I could understand why, but I guess I was just… envious of it. I wanted to be your world again. I wanted you to look at me the way you used to, love me the way you used to, and you didn’t. And then I saw Natalie, and she was looking at me like that. She told me she’d heard about you, and us and the baby, and that she was jealous and sad. She regretted the abortion, and that got to me. I was in pain, and she was in pain…”
“And you wanted to erase all of it,” I whispered so quietly I wasn’t sure he’d heard. He nodded, indicating he had.
“Yeah,” he whispered back. “I wanted all the pain to go away and for a while I guess it did. But now look at us. It’s so much worse.”
I resisted the urge to tell him I knew exactly how he felt, that I’d felt the same way not that long ago with his best friend. That when I kissed Nolan it was an attempt to kiss the pain away, the pain we both held for different reasons. But I couldn’t bring myself to do that. Partly because I knew it would hurt him and I had no desire to hurt him. And partly because I wasn’t sure if it were even true, or if I just told myself that to avoid the possibility of having real feelings for someone so unattainable.
“I’m sorry I changed, Adam. But I had to. Harper deserves so much more than a sixteen year old girl who doesn’t know what she’s doing for a mother. I’m sorry you felt like I didn’t want you. I can’t even explain it. I just didn’t want you to see me, I guess. I didn’t want you to touch me because I felt like my body didn’t belong to me anymore. Harper had taken it over and even after she was here, it just didn’t feel like mine. I don’t know if that makes sense or not.”
“I should have talked to you about it,” he said with regret. “I should have talked to you about why you didn’t seem to want me anymore, instead of pressuring you. Instead of turning to Natalie everytime you turned me away. I was such an idiot and it wasn’t me. We started this off on the wrong foot, cheating on Maggie and Scott, and I never thought I’d turn around and do not the same, but even worse to you. I love you, Lainey.”
“I love you, too,” I admitted, reaching for his hand. “I’m always going to. You hurt me and I can’t honestly tell you that I’m over it yet, but I still love you. You’re Harper’s dad. That won’t ever change.”
He squeezed my hand and smiled at me gratefully. “What about this? Do you think this will change?”
“I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head. “But I don’t think so, Adam. I’m so sorry to say that, but I just don’t think we can make this work. We were too young when it all started. We might have thought we knew what we wanted, but we didn’t.”
“I know I want you,” he said with conviction. “That never changed.”
“You slept with someone else.”
“I know and I will regret that every day for the rest of my life. It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made and I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am. But it never once changed the way I feel about it, and I accept that it changed the way you feel. But I’ll win you back, Lainey.”
“Adam…” I shook my head.
Still holding my hand, he moved so that he was in front of me. He lifted our clasped hands and pressed mine against his chest so that I could feel his heart beating. “I’m going to get you back,” he whispered with determination, leaning in and kissing my forehead. “If it’s the last thing I do, we’re going to be a family again.”
I closed my eyes and when I opened them again, he was already gone. I turned and watched him walking towards Bella Vista, leaving me standing there confused and a little heartbroken. Against my will it brought me back to that first night, our first kiss. Hannah finding us and leaving Adam there, watching me with wonderment in his eyes as I walked away from him for the first time.
But that night was different. I might have walked away, but it was the start of everything. Nothing Adam said could make this feel any less like the end.
Chapter 31
Harper’s first Christmas. Those words still seemed too strange to actually utter.
Adam came over early in the morning to unwrap presents with her although she didn’t seem to have a single idea what was actually going on. He’d outdone himself and part of me wondered if he hadn’t done it on purpose to avoid the risk of Nolan getting more gifts for her than he did. I tried to push that thought aside all morning, but it kept coming.
Once we’d opened all of Harper’s gifts for her and she seemed even more exhausted than we were, he left to get ready for his parent’s Christmas party later in the day. Mason and Cynthia stopped by with the gifts, as well as a surprise one from my dad.
It was a rocking horse, hand painted white and blue. I didn’t know how old Harper would be until she actually got any use out of it, but it was the thought that counted.
Nolan’s parents called from wherever in Europe they were staying around noon and I spent the time getting Harper and myself ready for the party. To say I was nervous was an understatement. The night before had gone surprisingly smoothly, but that was different. There would be people at the Montgomery’s that knew about Adam and my situation, maybe not the detail, but the current status. I wasn’t sure I was ready to deal with any of that just yet.
We arrived at the party at five o’clock on the dot, and were apparently late. There were already cars filling the driveway and street out front, and Nolan and I parked nearly a block away. The dread in my stomach worsened as we walked in the door. Nolan didn’t have the same problem as me, heading for the food table immediately.
“So this is Christmas in the Montgomery house, huh?” Nolan sounded impressed as he grabbed another bacon wrapped steak bite off one of the trays.
“You’ve never been over for Christmas?” I asked, surprised.
“Nope. Not really big on holidays. Except for when I get gifts, of course.”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course.”
We walked to the side of the living room, leaning against the wall. It seemed even more crowded this year than last. Julia had taken Harper off of me the second we’d walked through the door and was busy introducing her to everyone. Not that I could blame her. My absence from the guest house had meant fewer visits between them.
“Did you hear from Hannah today?” I asked, having to nearly shout to be heard over the other conversations going on around us.
“Yeah, earlier. She said she got me a Christmas gift. I’m going to have to wait until she gets back to get it, though.” He grinned.
“I don’t want to know anymore,” I groaned, pretending to cover my ears with my hands. Hannah was coming back the day before New Year’s Eve. She’d originally planned on staying her entire Christmas break, but Nolan asked her to spend the last day of the year with him, to make up for last. She was too excited by the possibilities to turn him down.
Adam asked me to spend it with him, but I hadn’t given him an answer yet. Despite his insistence that we’d be a family again, I wasn’t convinced. I wasn’t even entirely sure it was what I wanted.
It was hard to believe that last Christmas, Adam and Greg had gotten into a fight in the middle of all the guests. Greg had been so unsupportive of the idea of Adam and I having a baby, I couldn’t help but wonder how he felt about it all now. In a way, he’d been proven right. We were too young and in the end we’d been unable to handle everything.
I spotted Greg talking to his dad but decided not to go up to him. We did
n’t speak much on the rare occasions we saw each other. I was grateful for how he’d handled getting me to the birthing center, but that was about as far as our relationship went. I’m never going to be his sister-in-law anyway, I thought, a little sadly.
Julia found us again and I was able to get Harper back before she took off again. “Are you two having fun?” She asked cheerfully. “Hiding out in the corner and all?”
“I’m not one to like the center of all the action,” Nolan admitted with a wink. “I prefer to be an innocent bystander.”
“I’ll believe that when I see it more than once,” Julia scoffed, giving Nolan a hug. “I have to admit, I’m happy you’ve decided to stay in the area. Have you talked to your dad about getting a job within the company without a college degree?”
“He’s thinking about it,” Nolan said. “But I’m not worried. I’m his only son, it’s not like he can just hire someone and give them the Reeves’ name.”
Julia laughed. “That’s true, I suppose. Well, I hope it all works out for you. Lainey, can we speak for a few minutes?”
I hesitated before agreeing. Holding on tightly to Harper, I followed Julia into the empty den. She closed the door behind us and smiled.
“I just wanted to thank you for coming today. I know you aren’t really obligated to, considering everything that’s happened.”
“You’re always going to be Harper’s family,” I said quickly. “I know if she could speak she’d tell me she wanted to be here.”
“I hope so. But Lainey, please remember that you’re family too. I told you before, regardless of whatever happens between you and Adam, you’ll always be our family. We love you.”
“I love you too,” I said, feeling tears fill my eyes.
“Oh honey,” she said, moving closer to me and wrapping me in a warm embrace. “Please don’t cry. I just wanted to make that clear to you. And you’re more than welcome to move back into here or take over the guest house, if you want. I can kick Adam out.”
I laughed and shook my head. “Thanks, but that isn’t necessary. I know I can’t stay with Nolan forever, so I’ve been seriously considering moving back to Bella Vista.”
“Are things with your dad better?” She asked, looking surprised.
“No,” I admitted. “But Mason and Cynthia might be moving in permanently until they can find a place of their own, and Nora is gone. Besides, Hannah is moving to South Carolina soon, maybe before the end of the school year. I’m thinking about just taking back our old bedroom for me and Harper. She’s getting a little better at sleeping through the night, so she should be fine by the time they start getting guests again.”
“Wow Lainey, I have to admit I’m surprised. I didn’t think there was anything that would convince you to move back in with your father.”
“It isn’t for him,” I said. “Mason really wants me to. He thinks it would be better and less confusing for all of us, then with me living here or with Nolan. And besides, I could probably work something out with my dad to work at Bella Vista for a few hours a week and maybe some extra money. I don’t want to ask Adam for a lot in child support.”
“There will be no child support,” Julia insisted. “Our agreement still stands. You work on taking care of this baby and getting through school. Adam, Ned and I will make sure she has everything she needs, and everything you need. Don’t worry about making money, Lainey.”
“Thanks,” I said, even though I knew I wasn’t going to hold her to that. Adam and I were over and while I’d accept whatever help he wanted to give Harper, I wasn’t going to expect him or his family to continue taking care of me. They’d already done enough; more than I could have ever hoped for.
Nothing left to say, we embraced again and went back to the party. Julia was quickly taken away by some of her friends and I went on a search for Nolan, only to find Adam instead.
“You look like you hate this Christmas party about as much as you did last year,” I remarked.
He made a face and took Harper from my arms. “Probably more,” he admitted.
“It’s not so bad.”
“People are nosy, Lainey. They keep asking how the job’s going, how Harper is, why you moved out and if we’re planning on getting married still.”
“That’s silly,” I remarked. “If I moved out, why on each would we still get married?”
He frowned at me. “I haven’t ruled it out yet.”
“Adam,” I sighed, but Nolan appeared before I could say anything else, an entire tray of bacon wrapped steak in his hands.
“What on earth –”
“Get me to an empty room before someone discovers what I’ve found!” He said desperately, and I had no choice but to lead him off to the den, which was fortunately still empty. I turned around to see if Adam was following us, but he wasn’t.
“Nolan, what are you doing with all that?”
“They’re so good, Lainey. Try one.”
“I don’t eat red meat.”
“It’s Christmas. Do it anyway.”
“Nolan –”
I was silenced as he popped one into my mouth. I made a disgusted face but chewed it anyway. It wasn’t really all that bad, actually. If you didn’t mind how much you had to chew it before it would go down.
“Told you,” he said smugly, even though I hadn’t commented on the taste. I laughed despite myself.
“You’re too much, Nolan Reeves,” I said.
“Yeah, I’ve been told that more times than you even know,” he agreed. “But that’s why you love me, isn’t it?”
I smiled. “Yes, that’s why I love you.”
He kissed my temple. “I love you, too. Even if you have terrible taste in men. I mean, really, you should have just gone after me in the first place. Harper would have been a blonde.”
“I don’t think it works that way.”
“Oh, it does. At the rate I was going back then, someone would have wound up pregnant eventually. I would have preferred it to be you.”
“Nolan, stop!” I said, laughing so hard my stomach started to hurt. He grinned and his shoulders began to shake in silent laughter.
We stayed that way for at least an entire hour, talking as the steak disappeared from the tray. By the time it was gone my stomach ached from laughter and Nolan’s from too much red meat consumption.
Outside, the first snow flake had fallen. It was the start of the first snow storm to hit Haven in more than a decade.
Chapter 32
By the next day Haven was covered with snow. It calmed down a little in the early afternoon, enough for me to bundle Harper up and take her for her first walk in it. We’d been slacking on the night time walks so I considered this to be the best way to make it up to her.
She didn’t agree. Five minutes into the walk she was screaming and I had no choice but to head back to the apartment.
“I’m heading out,” Nolan said when I’d gotten Harper dressed back into regular clothes. I glanced up at him.
“What? Why? Where?”
“You forgot who, when, and how.”
“Okay then answer all of them, and fast,” I said with a smile.
“Alright but it’s top secret information, okay?”
“Okey doke.”
He raised his eyebrows, but continued nonetheless. “I got Hannah a present. Like, a Christmas present mixed with an I’m-sorry-I-was-an-ass-and-made-you-dump-me present.”
“Yeah?”
He nodded, looking serious. “Oh, yeah. It’s pretty great and it has to be done today.”
“Why don’t you wait until the storm is over?”
“It is over. It hasn’t snowed in almost an hour.”
I glanced out the window apprehensively. I wasn’t used to seeing so much white. “But the weather guy –”
“The weather guy likes to get everyone all worked up over nothing. It makes him feel better about himself. Besides, it’ll only take me a few minutes.”
“Why can’t you just wait until
tomorrow?” I asked. “Just to be on the safe side.”
“Nolan Reeves doesn’t believe in the safe side,” he replied. “That’s why.” He kissed my forehead and Harper’s and headed towards the door. “I’ll be back before you even notice I’m gone!” He called before he closed the door.
“Be careful!” I called back, but doubted he heard me.
I spent the next hour going through all of Harper’s new gifts, taking the ones I thought she’d appreciate most out of their packages and packing the rest away for later. It was her first Christmas and if it formed an example for the ones to come, she’d be a pretty happy little girl. Not to mention I’d need to find a way to buy a much bigger house to fit everything.
I knew I’d gone a little too far this Christmas. My savings was more than halfway gone but I’d talked to Mason about the possibility of convincing my dad to pay me for a few hours’ work at Bella Vista, and he seemed to think it was likely. Nora was always against hiring a housekeeper and so far Mason had been in charge of that responsibility. Once the guests started coming in more frequently, he’d need to manage the office and reservations. My dad was focusing on upkeep, since he tended to be able to focus on things that were broken more so than everyday tasks. They needed to hire a new chef so a housekeeper wasn’t really in the budget.
It will be good, I told myself, even though I wasn’t completely sure I believed it. I still didn’t feel all that great about moving back into Bella Vista but I knew I couldn’t stay here with Nolan forever and moving in with Julia and Ned just seemed wrong. The guest house still felt a little tempting. As small as it was it felt more like home than anywhere else I’d ever lived, but I couldn’t kick Adam out. As angry as I still was with him, I wasn’t spiteful enough to do that.
When an hour and a half passed and Nolan wasn’t back, I called him. He answered on the third ring.
“Heller,” he said and I couldn’t help but laugh. Partially due to amusement, mostly due to pure relief. It was snowing again, though not as hard as it had been the night before and earlier that morning.
The Heart of a Girl (The Haven Series) Page 19