“I did love him, Adam. But it’s not the way you seem to think.”
“I know what it was,” he continued calmly. “I loved him too, Lainey.”
I looked at him for the first time since he’d begun talking and saw sadness in his eyes. Not jealousy, or anger or any of the emotions I’d imagined he still associated with our break up and my subsequent involvement with Nolan. Just sadness in its purest form.
“Okay, so what does that have to do with you going to buy a new engagement ring the next day?”
He sighed, a tired sound. “I was going to get a new ring and propose to you before he could change his mind about getting back together with Hannah and the two of you ended up together.”
“Adam, that’s the most –”
“Ridiculous thing ever, I know. That’s why I’m telling you. Not because I want you to feel bad or sad or anything, but so you realize that I have actually changed, at least a little bit. I realize now that I can’t win you back with a promise of marriage and a fancy ring. Not only are you not that kind of girl but you deserved better than that. I’ve given you so many empty promises over the last year and a half and I realize that, Lainey. It’s taken me a while but I want you to know I realize it.”
“Okay,” I said, because what else was there to say? I knew Adam had changed. But then again, everything had changed. I’d been glad for February to arrive because January had proven to be too much.
I sat down next to Adam, pushing my bag to the floor and not caring that some of the clothes spilled out. I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, letting him hold me even for the briefest of moments.
We were just six weeks into the New Year, and what a new year it had been. The very first weekend, just days after Nolan’s funeral, Hannah moved to South Carolina. She hadn’t even told me beforehand. It was Mason who ended up breaking the news.
I received an email from her a few days later once she’d gotten settled. She wanted me to know that she didn’t blame me for anything and she wasn’t mad, but she just needed to be away. Saying goodbye would be too hard. She apologized for not being around Harper enough since she moved back and when I responded I told her how unnecessary that was. She would be a part of Harper’s life in whatever way possible at any given moment. She already was, every day. I’d given her Hannah’s middle name
She hadn’t been back since. We kept in contact a few times a week through text and email, but no phone calls. It still seemed too soon somehow. Even though she said she didn’t blame me, part of me was pretty sure she held some resentment. I was with Nolan the days before he died. I was with him constantly for an entire month and she hadn’t been. They’d been so close to reconciliation and it had never been given a chance to happen. I knew Hannah held that close to her, whether she’d ever come clean and admit it or not.
My dad and Nora’s divorce had been finalized a few weeks later. I didn’t know the exact date. It had been pretty amicable, considering. Nora agreed not to try and regain control of Bella Vista or even request half of the money if my dad ever sold it, since she hadn’t put a dime of her own money into it. That was the reason she used, anyway. But I’d always suspected that maybe it was more she didn’t want any memories of the life she’d once shared with my dad, nothing to hold her to them or to Haven.
Cynthia had gotten the job she’d applied for the day of Nolan’s funeral and she was moving to Haven in June. They’d stay at Bella Vista, probably for a while. My dad was going to let them have his and Nora’s old bedroom and he’d get a pull-out couch for the office to sleep on. Hannah’s room was currently empty, but not for long.
My dad was trying. For the first time in so long I could see that. He called me now. Not regularly, but sometimes. We’d talk and sometimes we’d even spend a few hours together. He was getting to know Harper and more importantly, she was beginning to know him. Nolan’s death was to thank for that, I firmly believed. Although my dad didn’t know him, maybe it forced him to realize that we aren’t permanent and that just because he’s older and my father didn’t mean that he’d be the first to go. He finally seemed to realize that maybe I wouldn’t always be around and he should appreciate the time we had together.
Whatever the reason behind it, I was glad. I’d felt like an orphan for far too long and although I enjoyed being a mother far more than I enjoyed being a daughter, it was still an important part of me.
I’d gotten my report card for the semester, and my highest grade was a B+. Most people, I was sure, would be proud of that. To experience everything I’d been through and still manage to get decent grades was a good thing. But I’d never gotten anything lower than that in the past and it stung.
I was depressed for a week after getting the report card and considered calling the principal and asking to go back to school for the semester. I knew he would let me. We’d discussed that at the beginning of the year, when I was still figuring out my options. But in the end I decided against it. I’d continue with this for the rest of the year and if my grades didn’t improve I’d go back the next year. I just couldn’t add anything new to my plate right now. Maybe that wasn’t the most mature decision but I was beginning to learn that sometimes the mature way and the right way weren’t always the same thing. Not when you’re seventeen.
These changes hadn’t escaped Adam. He still went out, but it wasn’t like before. We each had two set days a week where we could go out and stay out for as long as we wanted and the other would take care of Harper. No questions asked. We weren’t together and I made it clear that he was allowed to start dating again if he wanted. I never asked if he took me up on that offer.
I knew that on his “free days” he was usually with Brad or some of the other guys at work. Paul was really cutting him a break, letting him remain on the payroll even though he couldn’t really do any work until his cast was removed and even for a while after then. But the guys didn’t seem to mind. They gave him a hard time over it, but they knew the situation. They knew his childhood best friend died in that accident.
Brad stayed with his girlfriend. It wasn’t him who had called that night in September, it was Natalie. Adam admitted that to me one night a few weeks after I moved in, completely out of nowhere. In time he’d told me everything. All the details, things I didn’t want to know but somehow needed to. He asked me not be angry with Natalie after I told him how we’d met in town and spoke. She wasn’t a bad person and she’d felt guilty over their relationship. He was the one who convinced her it was going to be fine and he’d even admitted that at one point, he’d considered leaving me for her.
That had been so hard to hear but I was glad I knew. It showed me that Adam was done hiding things if he could reveal the most painful things he’d ever hid from me. It made us stronger.
But still, we weren’t together. I didn’t sleep on the cot anymore, after experiencing some of the worst back pains of my life. But he kept to his side and I kept to mine. Sometimes I’d wake up and he’d be holding me in his sleep, but I’d pull away and he wouldn’t do it again for the rest of the night.
And now sitting in our bedroom together, my bags mostly packed, I didn’t know what I was going to do. Not really. Part of me did believe that moving to Bella Vista would be the best. My dad and I would ultimately spend more time together and it would bring us closer. Mason would be there and soon so would Cynthia. I’d be surrounded by family; my family.
It wouldn’t affect Harper much, I didn’t think. She was too young to speak or walk, let alone figure out that her parents weren’t together. She’d get used to her new surroundings eventually and she’d still see Adam often. Maybe even stay overnight with him, if that was what he wanted. We’d figure it all out and keep her best interests at heart. Adam and I might never be able to get past everything we’d endured romantically, but we’d always be able to put Harper first. I knew that as well as I knew anything.
But another part of me felt dread just thinking about moving back to Bella Vista. As many
ghosts lived in this guest house, there were just as many there. Memories of Hannah and me before I was pregnant and before either of us even knew what it was like to kiss a boy. Spending time with her and my dad and Nora as a family and believing that it was going to stay that way forever.
And regardless of what had happened over the past few months, regardless of Adam’s relationship with Natalie and my forever mixed feelings about Nolan, I couldn’t deny that in some way he still held my heart. I still felt breathless sometimes when he got close to me, even if it was to do something simple like reach over my lap for the remote or climb over me to get into bed. My heart still leaped when he smile, and the few times he kissed me on the cheek, close to my lips. Whenever he touched me, the skin tingled long after his hand left. I couldn’t deny these feelings, yet I’d spent the last two months trying to do exactly that.
I knew I had a big decision on my hands. Either I forgave Adam completely and chose to move on from this or I didn’t.
But no one could answer these questions for me. Maybe Harper, but she couldn’t speak yet, so she couldn’t help me. Mason would tell me to move to Bella Vista and never look back, but Cynthia would tell me to stay with Adam and make it work. Hannah would tell me to do whatever I wanted and then make me laugh until the pain faded. But I couldn’t turn to her, not now.
Adam kissed my forehead, bringing me back to reality however briefly. I smiled up at him, taking in the deep color of his eyes. If I closed my own just enough I could envision him as that same boy he had been nearly two years ago. If I did it for long enough, maybe my decision would stop feeling so impossible.
Chapter 37
It didn’t snow again once the remainders of the storm in December cleared up. But it remained cold.
On Valentine’s Day the temperatures soared above sixty for the first time since October and brought my spirits up along with it. Adam left around noon since it was his free day and promised to be back around four so we could discuss custody agreements over dinner.
He hadn’t tried to talk me out of leaving and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
A little after three I took Harper for a walk. She had just gotten up from her nap and seemed awake and refreshed enough to enjoy it. She brought Otto the Octopus along for the ride.
We took a longer walk than usual and it felt amazingly good to stretch my legs while taking in the warm weather and the familiar sights. Maybe things were going to work out for the best after all. The last time I’d talked to Hannah, earlier in the week, she’d mentioned coming for a visit early in the summer for Harper’s first birthday party. The three of us would have to find a way to share our tiny bedroom while she was there but it would be worth it.
Cynthia was planning on arriving in Haven a few days before, so I was excited about that too. June was still three and a half months away but I knew now more than ever how fast time could fly.
Harper and I got home just before four and I was surprised to see Adam’s car parked in the driveway. This was the first day he’d been allowed to drive since the accident and I’d more or less assumed he’d be out until the very last minute. I knew he missed driving.
“You’re early,” I remarked as I went into the house. I glanced around the living room and kitchen area and frowned. He wasn’t in there.
Placing Harper in her Pack N Play, I headed to the hallway and stopped short. Our bedroom door was closed and when I touched the handle I could tell it was locked. My heart began pounding and I glanced towards the living room to see if Harper noticed the change in my demeanor.
She was busy throwing Otto out of the Pack N Play, completely oblivious to the slow torment I was about to put myself through.
Adam wouldn’t really bring a girl over, would he? I’d given him permission to date and he’d never said a thing about whether or not he would since. It was Valentine’s Day, a year since he’d asked me to marry him and I’d made it clear yesterday that I was still planning on moving out.
Was Adam that spiteful? I realized I had no idea.
I knocked lightly on the door, so lightly I wasn’t sure he’d even hear.
“In a minute!” He replied instantly and it sounded like he was alone. My heart calmed down a little but I continued to stand there, clenching and unclenching my fists and rocking back and force on the heels of my feet.
A few minutes, that felt more like hours later, he opened the door. He was smiling.
“You didn’t see me drive past you? I thought you’d be gone longer.”
“No,” I said. “Where was that?”
“A few streets over.” He left the bedroom but closed the door behind him.
“Are you hiding something?”
“Yes?”
“What?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“Adam.”
“It’s a surprise.” He winked at me and headed down the hallway, scooping Harper out of her Pack N Play and turning to me expectantly. “Are you going to help me feed this baby or am I on my own?”
I made a face at him but smiled as I went to the refrigerator and pulled out a container of homemade macaroni and cheese. I heated it just a little in the microwave while Adam got Harper situated in the high chair.
“We make a good team,” he whispered in my ear when he brushed past me to get her bottle ready. A shiver ran down my spine but I did my best to ignore it. I put some of the macaroni and cheese into Harper’s bowl and placed it in front of her.
She looked at me like I was crazy.
“Try,” I urged her. “You liked it when I had it.”
I didn’t think she believed me. She shoved the bowl away and made a disgusted sound. Adam heard and laughed, handing her the bottle. She drank from it hungrily and threw it onto her table when she was done. I sighed.
“I don’t think she’s interested,” he remarked.
“She needs to start trying new things,” I insisted. “That’s what the pediatrician told me when I took her in last week. She can’t be on formula and baby food forever.”
“She’ll get used to it,” he said, putting an arm around my waist and kissing my forehead. “She’s just picky like her mother. And I’m sure my mom knows a few tricks.”
I’d avoided Julia more lately than ever before but I didn’t want to tell Adam that. It wasn’t anything in particular, really. I just felt so awkward living in the guest house with Adam and the two of us still being officially broken up. It seemed like an odd thing to try to explain to parents, especially when they weren’t yours.
“I’ll try,” Adam said, noticing the frown that was forming on my face. “Why don’t you go into the bedroom?”
“I don’t need anything in there,” I said absently. I could try the airplane trick, I thought. Wasn’t that supposed to work on babies? I looked at Harper and she was staring back at me, a stubborn gleam in her eyes. Maybe not.
“There’s something in there for you,” he said. “Now go. I’ve got this.”
I looked at him in surprise but he’d moved away from me and was now fully concentrated on feeding Harper. Not knowing what to say, I left the kitchen and headed to the bedroom.
Lying on the bed was a simple light blue dress, the exact color of my eyes. It looked like it would be about knee length with a fuller skirt than usual. It wasn’t formal, not really, but it seemed a little more than casual at the same time.
I picked it up gently, fingering the fabric. It was soft to the touch and felt like it would be clingy. I felt tears spring to my eyes but blinked them back. Why was Adam doing this? Why on earth had he left earlier, only to bring back a dress?
I walked back to the kitchen, dress in hands and stared at him, expecting an answer without asking a question. He looked up at me and smiled.
“My mom will be here at five, so I think you’d better jump in the shower. Not that I mind you smelling like everything Harper ate earlier, but it might just be because I’m used to it.”
I couldn’t help but smile and nodded slow
ly. It looked like Valentine’s Day wasn’t going to be the way I’d predicted after all.
Chapter 38
Adam took me to a restaurant we’d never been to before. It wasn’t even in Haven but a few towns over. I’d only been in the area once, when we’d first moved to Haven. There was an antique shop a few streets over where my dad bought a few pieces of furniture for Bella Vista.
It seemed like a nice restaurant even though it wasn’t crowded. But this town was even more known as being a tourist area than Haven was, so I wasn’t too surprised. The menu was pretty limited but that was okay by me.
Adam wouldn’t let me order a salad. “Be spontaneous for once,” he scolded me gently when the waiter asked for our order. Accepting his challenge, I ordered fettuccini alfredo with chicken and broccoli.
“I’m impressed,” Adam remarked after he placed his own order of lasagna and we handed our menus over to the waiter. “If you eat half of it you might actually gain a pound.”
“I don’t know why everyone thinks I have a weight issue,” I complained. “I just like to eat healthy. Is that a crime?”
“Nope.” He took a piece of bread from the basket and ripped it in half, handing me a piece. I hesitated before accepting it, and feeling his eyes still on me, I lopped a huge amount of butter on top before eating it.
“Isn’t that good?”
“Not particularly,” I replied once I’d swallowed it. I winced at the too-salty taste of the butter and downed half my glass of water.
“You’re a weird one,” Adam remarked, but there was affection in his voice.
“All we ate was pizza, Chinese takeout and fast food when I was growing up,” I told Adam. “You have no idea how many stomach aches I had before the age of twelve. I’m not trying to go back to that lifestyle.”
“I’m just messing with you.”
“I know.”
And then we were silent. We hadn’t talked much on the ride over, mostly because I had no idea what to say. Was this a date? He’d never mentioned it being a date. I knew we needed to talk about Harper, with tomorrow being moving day, but I wasn’t sure how to bring up the subject or whether or not it was even appropriate to. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted this to be a date or not.
The Heart of a Girl (The Haven Series) Page 22