The funeral was going to be on Tuesday, two days before the start of the New Year. Hannah was going to be back by then, but I only knew that because Mason told me. She never called back after she hung up.
I didn’t hold it against her. I knew she wasn’t angry at me. Just upset and I couldn’t blame her. They were preparing to reconcile and he was taken away from her. Forever. She’d loved him, even though she hadn’t ever come out and admitted that. Nolan was her first love and now he was gone.
I ignored the hopeful look in Adam’s eyes when he found out I was moving back in, however temporarily. I ignored the way he tried to hold my hand with his good one on the ride home from the hospital and the way he kept staring at me in hopes I’d look back at him. I had so much going through my head, trying to figure out where Adam and I stood seemed like just enough to tip me over the edge.
It was clear Julia wanted to stay after she’d helped us get settled back into the guest house but it was also clear Adam wanted her to leave and so she did. She hugged us both tightly first and shot me a hopeful glance before closing the door behind her. I knew what she was thinking. Helping Adam out until he got better would lead to certain reconciliation.
Mason had brought my stuff back while I was at the hospital with Adam so I unpacked everything, reminding myself that this wasn’t permanent. I’d be packing my bags again soon, once Adam didn’t need me so much anymore. I left the bedroom, a feeling of dread resting in my stomach. I didn’t want to be here. I missed the openness of Nolan’s apartment, the freedom it signified. I missed how everything felt so easy there. Despite our one night make out session, there had never been any expectations. I’d put a stop to it and he’d accepted that. With Adam, there was just too much left unresolved.
He was going to expect me to go back to him. I knew that. He was going to expect me to forgive what he’d done, forgive the relationship he’d had behind my back. He was going to expect me to take him back and to move on, to keep this family intact because we’d all already lost so much. And I wanted to, so badly. But I wasn’t sure I could.
I’d forgiven enough people. Someday I would forgive Adam. But not now. It was still too soon and it would mean too much.
The truth was, I just wanted to be alone. Completely and totally alone. I wanted to care for no one but Harper and have no one but Harper put expectations on me. I hadn’t been single, completely single, since before my fifteenth birthday and that was completely unacceptable.
Sometimes it terrified me, how young I still was. Seventeen and for barely two months. Seventeen and already two failed relationships behind me, one more serious than the other, but still. A baby, another human life that depended entirely on me. No relationship whatsoever with my own parents. A newfound best friend that was gone from this world at just nineteen. It was all too much.
Adam was on the couch when I finally convinced myself to go back out there and he was sitting with his head in his hands. The cast only covered up to his elbow and it looked uncomfortable to sit that way. I sat down beside him and rubbed his back gently.
“Are you okay?” I asked. He didn’t answer.
“Do you need anything?”
“I don’t know how this happened,” he whispered. “A few days ago, everything felt… possible. And now…”
“Now nothing feels possible,” I said.
“I should have never gotten mad at him.”
“You were mad at him?” I was surprised to hear this.
“No, not when it happened. I mean before, back in July. I never should have gotten mad at him for telling me what I needed to hear. He was only defending you and I just couldn’t handle it. I knew he was right and I hated it.”
“He forgave you a long time ago,” I reminded him gently.
“He shouldn’t have.”
We sat in silence after that. I didn’t know what else there was to say. I didn’t know why Adam called Nolan on that day, of all people and I didn’t want to ask. I was too afraid it would involve me and make it my fault. I had become the only thing they had in common.
“Did you two ever…” He didn’t finish his question but he didn’t have to.
“No,” I said. “Almost, but no.”
“Almost?” I ignored the pain in his voice. It wasn’t fair for that to hurt him. He’s done a lot more than ‘almost’ with Natalie and we were far from broken up at the time.
“The first night I moved out,” I said. “I was upset and things got carried away. I stopped it.”
“Oh.”
“Stop, Adam.”
“What?”
“Playing the victim. You’re the one who cheated on me. I’m sorry all of this happened but it’s not going to go back to the way it was, ever.”
“I’m not playing the victim,” he insisted. “I just wanted to know. I was going to ask Nolan but it never came up.”
“Why did you call him that day?” I asked, finally.
“My car broke down.”
“I know that. But why Nolan, when you’d barely spoken to him since he came back? Why not borrow one of your parent’s cars, or even Greg’s?”
He sighed and suddenly looked a lot older than his nineteen years. “I was killing two birds with one stone.”
“What?”
“I didn’t need to go out that day. But I heard Nolan telling Greg at the Christmas party that he needed to somewhere the next day, to get a present for Hannah. He was bragging about it because you know how Greg kind of has that thing for Hannah and all. I remembered that when I realized my car wasn’t going to start, so I called him. I figured I’d get done what I needed to do and smooth things over with him in the process.”
“Why did you want to smooth things over?” I demanded. “You’ve acted like you hated him for the past month.”
“Because he’s the only best friend I’ve ever had. I messed things up when I cheated on you and when he came back I knew he was going to try and get you. Maybe that sounds paranoid, but I felt it as soon as he showed up at our door. I always felt like maybe he kind of had a thing for you, I don’t know.”
“We were friends, Adam. We went a little further than we should have a few times but at the end of the day, we were always just friends.”
“I know that now but I was so jealous. I knew what I’d done and I was afraid you’d do the same to hurt me. I know that sounds ridiculous. I know you aren’t that kind of person. And that’s why I wanted to talk to Nolan that day. I wanted to apologize for everything, make things right again. I didn’t want to lose my best friend over mistakes I’d made.”
“Did you make up?” I asked. “Before it happened?”
“Yeah, I apologized and he told me it was nothing, that we never stopped being best friends.” His eyes teared up. “I never gave Nolan credit for what a great guy he really was.”
“I used to hate him,” I admitted ruefully, my eyes forming tears of their own. “I thought he was such a jerk.”
“He was,” Adam laughed. “But it wasn’t real. He put up that front. I don’t know why. But he’s always been a good guy at heart.”
“I know,” I whispered and rested my head against him. “I miss him so much.”
We cried together then on the couch, holding each other in nothing more than comfort. We grieved for the person we’d lost, the person we’d both loved in different ways at different times. I grieved for the unexpected connection we’d made, a connection I’d thought would last a lifetime. I grieved for his last few words for me, the words I’d say to him a month ago repeated back. He’d loved me, in a way I wasn’t sure he’d ever loved someone else before. In a way that didn’t have to involve sex or dating or drama. He loved me because I’d been there for him when he needed someone the most, when he was afraid his life might fall apart and he didn’t know how to stop it. I’d loved him in the same way, for all the same reasons.
When our tears finally subsided I asked the question I hadn’t gotten an answer to yet. “What were you getting that day?
”
Adam was quiet but I knew he’d heard me. He turned to me with a soft smile and shook his head slightly.
“Maybe I’ll tell you, but another time.”
I never asked again.
Chapter 35
I didn’t see Hannah until the funeral and even then, we barely spoke.
It seemed like everyone in Haven had shown up to pay their respects and say their goodbyes. I saw Nolan’s parents but kept my distance. Chances were they didn’t know who I was anyway. I was pretty sure that in his brief conversation with them, Nolan would have failed to mention the fact that he had his best friend’s ex-girlfriend and daughter living with him in his new apartment.
Afterwards there was a luncheon held at the most expensive restaurant in town, the same one we’d had lunch at that day we went apartment hunting. I felt too sick to eat and Adam seemed too sick to stay, so we left early.
I wanted to say something to Hannah before we left but there didn’t seem to be anything to say. Adam’s car was still broken down and Julia had refused to let him drive anyway so we caught a bus. It seemed like a silly thing to do, leaving a place full of people who could drive us but we didn’t want to ask. There was something about Nolan’s death that made it hard to talk to people.
Harper was coming home that night. They had skipped the luncheon and Mason was at Bella Vista with her, getting her stuff ready while Cynthia attended her interview for the job at Haven Elementary School the following year. It was the only day she could be seen and she hadn’t had any choice but to take it. Her future with Mason in Haven depended on it.
I didn’t know how I felt about having Harper back. It had been far too long for her to be away and I missed her like crazy. But I was worried I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on her the way she needed, the way she deserved. Things between Adam and I were still a little tense and I was worried she’d pick up on that. There were still so many things left unsaid, things that would likely remain that way.
I’d already decided that I would stay for the month of January. After that I’d move back to Bella Vista. Mason had talked to my dad about it and he’d agreed. Hannah was moving in mid-January to South Carolina, so I’d move back into our old bedroom, replacing Hannah’s bed with Harper’s crib. It made me sad, but there was nothing I could do about it. At least I could rest assured knowing Hannah was getting a fresh start, somewhere new. She needed that now more than ever before.
The first night with Harper went smoothly. It was like she understood that she was home where she belonged. I’d finally gotten around to finding a cot and I did my best to sleep on it, although it was the most uncomfortable thing I’d ever laid on. But like with everything else, I got used to it.
New Year’s Eve was uneventful and depressing. I remembered the year before, getting angry at Adam because Maggie was hitting on him and he wasn’t doing enough to stop it. I was mad at Nolan that night too, angry because he’d led Hannah on and hurt her. If only I’d known then, the real Nolan. He hadn’t meant to hurt Hannah, I realized now. He’d simply been afraid of her, afraid of the power she held to hurt him. He’d put his guard down and it had happened eventually. But he knew Hannah didn’t mean it.
I wished I had the power to forgive the way he did. Sometimes when Adam and I were alone, I’d look at him and want nothing more than to place his face in my hands and kiss him until we were both breathless. Kiss the pain out of both of us, make it all fade away. But I never allowed myself. I needed to put my guard up, higher this time than ever before. I couldn’t let him back in.
Adam told me what Nolan had been doing that day, the present he had for Hannah. It turned out it wasn’t a tangible gift at all. He’d gone to a restaurant in town to make reservations for New Year’s Eve and ensure the night played off the way he’d wanted. The manager had told him to come in before they closed for the day, which was why he was in such a rush. He could have done it over the phone but he didn’t want to. He’d wanted to make sure it would be perfect.
He was going to ask Hannah to be his girlfriend that night, make it official. He knew she was moving to South Carolina but he was okay with the distance. He missed her and wanted her back. My heart ached every time I thought about it, the loss of possibilities between them. Regardless of my own mixed feelings about Nolan, I knew they would have been a good couple. They would have been good together, to each other.
Midnight rolled around and there was no kiss. Funny. Of the two New Year’s Eves Adam and I had shared together, we’d never once kissed at midnight. I was back to wondering if that was a sign of something.
The clock struck midnight and it was a new year. A year to change things, to improve them. I wanted that but I wasn’t sure I was strong enough for it. The weight of the year just passed was still weighing so heavily on me. The year I’d gotten engaged, had a baby, broke up with Adam and lost someone I cared for deeply. It turned out to be a hard year for just about everyone I knew, and I couldn’t say I was sad to see it go.
And yet as the clock struck midnight and the crowd on TV cheered, as Adam’s lips didn’t graze mine, as Harper started to cry in frustration, I was filled with nothing but remorse.
This was too much for someone at seventeen to handle.
Part III
Beginnings & Endings
Chapter 36
“It was a new engagement ring,” someone said behind me, nearly causing me to jump right out of my skin.
I spun around to find Adam standing in the doorway of our bedroom, leaning against the door frame. I put a hand over my heart, the same way Sylvia did whenever she was startled.
“You nearly gave me a heart attack, Adam! What are you doing home already?”
He held up his arm, showing a lack of a cast. I closed my eyes, remembering. He’d been going to work regularly since the week after the accident, even though he couldn’t fulfill his duties completely. I’d forgotten he was leaving early today to have his cast removed.
“I forgot. I’m sorry. How’d it go?”
“Fine,” he replied, walking into the room and frowning at the bag on the bed. “What are you doing?”
“Adam,” I replied, in a tone that warned him not to start. It was the middle of February and the ending of our agreement. I’d stay until he was completely healed, then move back to Bella Vista.
“You’re really leaving?” He asked, sounding honestly surprised by the news. I wasn’t really sure what he’d expected but then again, the lines of what we were to each other had long since blurred.
“Yes,” I replied. “I’m packing now so I won’t have to this weekend. I’m moving all of the stuff in on Sunday.”
“Why?”
“Because that was what we agreed to,” I said calmly. “I’m pushing it back to Sunday so we can spend the day tomorrow figuring out custody.” It was a conversation I was dreading. Not because I didn’t think we’d be able to come up with something, but because I didn’t want to imagine having to spend even a few days a week without Harper.
“But I thought…” he shook his head, not completing his sentence. He sat down on the bed next to my bag and continued to look at me expectantly.
“What?” I asked, feeling uncomfortable. I wished I’d remembered his doctor’s appointment. I would have started packing at least an hour earlier so he wouldn’t have walked in during the middle of it. I wasn’t sure exactly what I’d expected from him when he found out I really was planning on moving out, but I could only assume it wasn’t going to be pretty.
“Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.”
I nodded slowly. He didn’t have to remind me of that. I knew it all too well. Last year’s memories of Valentine’s Day hadn’t left me alone all week. Adam’s proposal. Hannah and Nolan’s first official date.
“You’re not even going to ask me what I was talking about when I walked in?”
I blinked. “About the engagement ring? What were you talking about?”
He smiled that same smile that used to melt me
. I looked away to avoid the possibility.
“That’s what I was going to buy the day of the accident.”
I felt my blood freeze and I frowned at him. “Why?”
“I didn’t think you would want the old one back, considering.”
“I wouldn’t. But why would you even bother buying a new one? We weren’t together, Adam.” And we still aren’t, and we might never be again.
“Because I was going to re-propose to you.”
“Why?” I avoided looking at him, the way I’d come to do in the past few weeks when he broached subjects I wasn’t comfortable talking about. I knew Adam still held onto hope that we were going to get back together, had probably assumed I wasn’t even going to bother moving back to Bella Vista. But the plans had already been made and there was nothing he’d done to prove to me that it was worth staying here. And even so, there were too many memories, too many ghosts.
“Because I saw you in the den on Christmas, with Nolan. I heard the things you were talking about.”
“You were spying on us on Christmas?” I asked, annoyed. I grabbed another stack of shirts from the drawer and began re-folding them even if it wasn’t necessary. I felt the need to do something with my hands, keep busy. Keep this conversation going with the hopes that it would end quickly.
“Yes,” Adam replied with no reservations. “I followed you to the den and watched you until I was pretty sure I knew what was going on.”
“And what was going on, exactly?”
“You were telling him that you loved him.” His voice was calm, which caught me off guard.
I felt annoyance surge at me. Adam had been so great in the weeks since I’d moved back in. We’d gotten along so well. And now here he was, ruining all of that by expressing jealousy over someone who was gone from this world. Someone that I missed every day and found myself aching for at times.
The Heart of a Girl (The Haven Series) Page 21