The Heart of a Girl (The Haven Series)

by Kaitlyn Oruska

  “You look really nice tonight,” I said finally, more to break the silence than anything else. He’d gotten dressed up, but not too much. A white button down shirt over black dickies, but it suited him well. He was probably the only person I knew that could eat red sauce with a white shirt on and not get it all over himself.

  “Not as nice as you,” he said with a half-smile. “You look amazing.”

  “Thanks but I can’t really take too much credit for it.”

  “Yes you can. You actually wore makeup.”

  I blushed. I’d been hoping he wouldn’t notice, yet at the same time…

  “We should really talk about tomorrow and Harper and everything else,” I said finally, unable to resist. Adam remained calm and unaffected.

  “I know,” he said. “We will later. Let’s just try and enjoy each other’s company for now, okay?”

  “Okay,” I agreed, but it made me more nervous. What was this? We’d managed to keep things platonic for nearly two months and now we were sitting at a semi-fancy restaurant a few towns away from where we lived, all dressed up. On Valentine’s Day no less. A year from the date he proposed marriage.

  Our food arrived and I was relieved to finally have something to do besides stare at Adam and stress over what to say next. I found my mind wandering to Harper as I began to eat, wondering if maybe I could talk her into some fettuccini alfredo. I made a mental note to take some home with me and try tomorrow. I knew I was in for it with her. She was a pickier eater than I was.

  “So have you talked to Scott at all lately?”

  I nearly choked when he asked the question. “What?”

  “Scott. Have you talked to him at all?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “He has a new girlfriend and we only ever had Hannah in common, and she’s… not here anymore.”

  “You dated him,” he pointed out. “You must have had more than Hannah in common at some point if you dated.”

  “No, not really. Have you talked to Natalie?”

  Now it was his turn to choke. “What?”

  “Natalie,” I repeated, keeping my eyes wide and serious looking. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t enjoying the struggle he seemed to be going through to keep his shock down.

  “Yes,” he replied and now it was my turn again.

  “Oh.”

  “We keep in touch,” he continued. “Mostly text. Does that bother you?”

  “No.”

  “I can always tell when you’re lying.”

  “Then don’t ask me questions you know I’ll have to lie about my answers to.”

  What else was there to say? Here I was, thinking this was some sort of romantic gesture, maybe even a final plea to get me not to move out and I go and ask a stupid question like that. How can he still talk to her? I wondered, even though I was sure I’d never get the guts to ask.

  “She didn’t take the news too well about Harper and all,” he continued, as if this were a topic we should be able to discuss normally. I said nothing.

  “I guess it makes sense that it would hurt her. I mean, not that it was my idea for her to get the abortion and all but honestly, I probably would have supported it if she’d let me in on the plan. It feels really shitty to say that but it’s true. I was only sixteen and she was the first girl I ever did anything with.”

  “Why are you telling me this?” I demanded, putting my fork down and staring him straight in the eye. He stared back.

  “You asked me if I still talked to her.”

  “I did and you answered already. Why are you telling me how she feels about Harper?”

  “Because it’s all connected,” he replied. “And she feels bad about talking to you those two times over the summer. She knew it was you and she knew how wrong it was but she felt like she had to see Harper. That might not make any sense to you, but -”

  “It makes perfect sense,” I interrupted. “She wanted to see what she could have had.”

  “Yes,” he agreed. “And it made her depressed. That’s why she didn’t leave when she was supposed to. She dropped out of college,” he added.

  “Hm,” I replied, staring at my food and wondering how I was going to get another bite in.

  “I’m not telling you any of this to hurt you, Lainey.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’m telling you because I want to be completely open and honest with you. That’s the only way we’re ever going to get through this, raise Harper and get everything else figured out.”

  “Okay.”

  “Say something other than okay.”

  “Fine.”

  He sighed and I looked back at him, determined not to let his sudden desire for openness ruin the evening, whatever the evening was supposed to be. “Why do you still talk to her?”

  “Because I care about her.”

  “Yeah, I got that impression.”

  “I never loved her the way I love you,” he said and I tried not to focus on the fact that he said love in the present tense, not past. He still loved me. But then again I knew that, didn’t I?

  “That doesn’t make any sense, Adam. Why would you cheat on the person you love with someone you claim you never loved?”

  “I never said that. I did love Natalie and if you want me to be brutally honest, I always will. She was my first girlfriend and the person I lost my virginity to. She would have been the mother of my baby but that didn’t happen. I never loved her the way I love you and not nearly as much. It’s completely different.”

  “Great,” I said.

  “Stop being sarcastic.”

  “Well what do you want? I’m not exactly going to do jumping jacks over your ability to decipher the differences between forms of love.”

  “You’re being defensive.”

  “I am not.”

  The waiter came then and I asked for a container for my leftovers. He frowned at my mostly full plate but obediently walked away from the table. I could feel Adam staring at me and decided to punish him by not looking at him for the rest of dinner. I was silently kicking myself for asking a question I should have known I wouldn’t like the answer to.

  It became obvious five minutes into the car ride that we weren’t heading home. “I want to go see my baby,” I said, breaking the silence that had lasted nearly half an hour.

  “Soon,” he said.

  “Before she goes to bed,” I argued. “I like tucking her in.”

  “And you’ll get to do that tomorrow and every night until she’s old enough to tell you she can do it herself. My mom’s got it handled.”

  “I want to see my daughter,” I insisted and had no idea why I was being like this. Everything he’d said about Natalie earlier made me feel unsettled and more confused than before. I’d thought I was okay with our break up. Okay with the idea of moving on starting tomorrow. Maybe I’d been wrong all this time. Or maybe I just didn’t want him to be with Natalie because she was the one that had taken him from me in the first place.

  “You know she’s going to wake up as soon as she notices we’re home,” he said calmly. “You will see her tonight. I have somewhere to take you first.”

  Twenty minutes later we pulled into the all-familiar parking lot. He had taken me to our beach. The place where we’d spent much of our first summer together, where he told me he loved me for the first time. Where we decided we were going to keep Harper. Where he proposed to me, exactly one year to the day.

  “Adam,” I said nervously, but he was already getting out of the car. He walked around to the side and opened mine. I had no choice but to get out and follow him wherever he was planning on leading me.

  We walked silently towards the sand and once we reached it I instinctively reached down and took my shoes off, tossing them back towards the parking lot. I’d find them again when I needed to. Adam did the same and then reached for my hand.

  We walked towards the ocean and this time didn’t stop before the sand got wet. We walked along the harder
, wet and surprisingly very cold sand hand in hand, no words spoken between us.

  And then finally, the silence got to be too much.

  “Why here?”

  “It seemed appropriate.”

  “Nothing about this night is appropriate.”

  “I’m sorry about dinner. I know I got carried away but I needed to see your reaction.”

  “Oh okay. How did you like it?” I asked sarcastically.

  “It wasn’t what I’d expected.”

  I almost laughed. “You didn’t think I’d be a little upset, hearing about how you still talk to the girl you cheated on me with? The girl that seems to be related to every secret you’ve ever kept from me?”

  “No. Honestly I didn’t.”

  “Why?” I stopped walking and he had no choice but to stop alongside me. He stepped in front of me, taking both of my hands this time and looked directly into my eyes.

  “Because I’m afraid you aren’t in love with me anymore. I’m afraid that what I did, what Natalie and I both did, changed that. And I’m afraid you were in love with Nolan, whether you’ll admit it or not, and that his death somehow made it more permanent. I needed to see it in your eyes, some sort of jealousy, to know that you still love me. That there’s a chance you could ever want me again.”

  “Adam,” I whispered, but he didn’t let me finish.

  “It was there, Lainey, the look I needed to see. The look that told me there’s still a chance for us, as angry as you still are at me. And I don’t blame you for that, not at all. I’d be angry with me, too. But you need to know that after everything I did, everything that’s happened over the past few months, I still love you. That’s never changed and if anything, it’s grown stronger. I’ll never stop loving you and not just because you gave me the most beautiful daughter in the universe, but because you’re you. You’re my Lainey, and you have my heart in a way no one else is ever going to, and that will never change. I’ve broken so many promises to you over the past year, but that’s one I’ll never break. I promise I’ll love you until the day I die and for however long whatever comes after lasts.”

  I felt tears fill my eyes, and I was speechless. Please don’t do this, I pleaded with him silently. I wasn’t ready for it, not again. I wasn’t sure I ever was to begin with. He squeezed my hands and looked down for a minute, collecting himself.

  “What I’m trying to say is this, Lainey. Will you please find it in your heart to try to forgive me, if not now, somewhere down the line and please be my girlfriend again?”

  I nearly fell over in shock and relief. Girlfriend? I thought to myself. Did he really just ask me to be his girlfriend?

  “What?” I asked and my voice must have sounded funny because Adam laughed softly.

  “I asked you to be my girlfriend,” he repeated.

  “That’s all?”

  “Yes, that’s all. You don’t even have to be my live-in girlfriend. That’s what I want, but you don’t have to. I understand if you still want to go back to Bella Vista and I’ll support that decision. We could go back to dating, if you do. I’ll pick you up on Friday nights and we’ll make out in the back of my car before I drop you off at home.”

  I laughed, reaching up and wiping at a few tears that escaped. “No back seats of cars,” I said. “I don’t think I’m ready for that again.”

  He laughed and rested his forehead against mine. “Okay, no back seats of cars. But still dates and at least once a week. Sometimes we can bring Harper with us, sometimes not. You’re both picky eaters so I’d prefer not for the most part. It would be too hard to try and please both of you.”

  “Okay,” I whispered. He grinned, that same grin he’d had that night on the beach.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  He kissed me then and it was out first kiss for more than two months. An electric shock rushed through my body and I clung to him tightly. Our lips broke apart, but he continued to hold me close and in that moment I realized that I forgave him. I’d never forget but I didn’t think I was expected to. But I forgave him for his mistakes because I could see that the Adam I fell in love with was still very much there and still very much in love with me.

  “Just promise me one thing,” I said once my breath was back.

  “Anything.”

  “Promise me you won’t propose again anytime soon, even if you think it will keep me from falling in love with another guy.”

  Adam laughed and kissed the tip of my nose. “Okay, I promise. You can do it next time.”

  “Deal,” I said and hugged him as the water washed up over our feet. If I squinted my eyes just the right way I could almost imagine that we were back nearly two years earlier, outside of Nolan’s house. His white shirt would transform into his leather jacket and he’d be that same boy again, the one full of mystery that swept me away.

  Chapter 39

  Julia was in the living room waiting for us when we got home.

  “Did you have a good time?” She asked, smiling at us when we walked through the door.

  “It was alright,” Adam said with a grin, sliding his arm around my shoulders. Julia smiled knowingly and nodded.

  “I’m glad to hear that. I put Harper down about an hour ago. I tried to get her to sample the macaroni and cheese but she refused. She didn’t seem too hungry when I put her down though, so I guess the formula did the trick.”

  I held up the bag from the restaurant. “I have some new ideas for tomorrow,” I smiled. “But thanks.”

  “Anytime.” She walked over and kissed us both on the cheek before wishing us a good night and heading back to her own house.

  “Did she know?” I asked.

  “How do you think I knew your dress size?” He replied with a sly grin.

  “Good point,” I blushed.

  “Hey, don’t look like that. She was happy about it. She’s been on my case like you wouldn’t believe, telling me we needed to work things out and I had to make up for whatever I did to you.”

  “She doesn’t know about Natalie?” I asked.

  “No, she doesn’t know anything about her. As far as she’s concerned, Natalie was a girl I dated a few years ago that moved away. I never told her about the abortion.”

  I found it strange that Ned had known but Julia didn’t, but decided not to think too much of it. Sometimes certain people were better left not knowing things about the people they loved.

  “Let’s go see our baby,” I said, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the nursery. Harper was fast asleep in her crib and didn’t even stir as I leaned over.

  “I guess I was wrong,” Adam whispered, kissing my ear lobe.

  “It wouldn’t be the first time,” I said with a smile, straightening up and grabbing his hand again. “Let’s take advantage of it.”

  “I think I like the sound of that.”

  I pulled him into the bedroom and closed the door behind us, even though it was probably unnecessary. He lifted me up like I weighed nothing and tossed me onto the bed, climbing over top of me.

  His lips were on mine immediately and I kissed him back as hard as I could. His shirt was off within seconds and I ran my hand over his chest and back, touching every inch of him that I could. I was surprised by how much I missed him, how much I missed this.

  All of the awkwardness in the months after Harper was born was gone completely. I felt more like myself than I had in a while.

  Adam lifted my dress up, his hands running alongside my legs, his lips now on my neck. I tilted my head back and let him kiss wherever his lips landed, pushing my body as close to his as I could.

  It could never feel this way with anyone else, I realized, entangling my hand in his hair and pulling him even closer to me. Kissing anyone else could never feel like this. Anyone else touching me could never feel like this.

  And just like that it stopped.

  “Wait,” Adam said, pulling away from me, his face hovering inches above mine.

  “It’s okay,” I rea
ssured him. “I never stopped taking my pill.”

  Something flashed across his face and I knew he thought of Nolan.

  “It’s not that,” he said instead, kissing my forehead. “I’m glad you thought of it because I sure as hell didn’t, but it’s not that.”

  “Then what is it?” I moved my hands down to his neck and began to rub gently. He closed his eyes.

  “You’re making this more difficult than it needs to me,” he murmured, tilting my head back so he could kiss my throat.

  “It doesn’t have to be difficult at all,” I told him. “I love you so much. I’ve missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you too and I love you way too much, but this isn’t right.” He groaned and rolled off of me, lying close enough so that our heads were touching.

  “Of course it’s right,” I insisted, leaning up on my side and looking down at him. “What’s wrong?”

  Say something about Natalie and I’m out that door, and this time I won’t come back.

  “We’ve been together less than an hour,” he said. “We haven’t been together, really been together, since November. And then…”

  “It wasn’t the same,” I finished for him.

  “No, it wasn’t. It was routine. And I don’t want that again.”

  “This isn’t routine, Adam. I didn’t just kiss you like that because I thought it was expected of me. I wanted to. I want you.” I sat up on the bed, resting my head against the headboard. Adam sat up with me.

  “And I want you too, more than you even know. But we can’t do this yet.”

  “Adam –”

  “Lainey, please. Don’t break down the little bit of resistance I have right now. Just trust me on this. We have so much time before we start that part of our relationship back up again. Let’s just take it slow.”

  “We’ve never done that before,” I pointed out and it struck me suddenly how true that was. Within a year we met, shared our first kiss, had sex for the first time, got pregnant, got engaged, and had a baby. It was enough to make my head spin just thinking about it.