Ambrosia

by Aaron Lee Yeager

  Philiastra gave off a girly giggle. She had never felt so feminine before, and it make her feel a little silly. She began striking poses, gathering up her hair to show off her neck, pouting her lips, curving her back to emphasize her ample chest, sticking out her knee to show off her creamy smooth legs.

  She laughed and really got into it.

  “Phili, you look wonderful,” she said, mimicking Storgen’s deep voice.

  “What do you mean?” she asked coyly in her own voice, rocking back and forth. “This is how I always look.”

  “No, I mean it, you look really beautiful, Phili.”

  “Storge, that’s such a nice thing to say.” She looked up bashfully. “You know, if you like it, I could dress up for you more often.”

  “I’d like it. No, I’d love that.”

  “Stop it, Storge, you’re going to make me blush.”

  The door to her cabin kicked in and Storgen ran inside.

  “Phili! I’ve got great news!”

  Philiastra squealed in terror, tearing the sheets off her bed and wrapping them around herself.

  “Storge, what are you doing?!”

  Storgen was practically bursting with nervous energy. “You remember the files? The files I got from the High-Priestess’ staff?”

  “You can’t just barge into a girl’s room, you moron!”

  “Well, I cross-referenced them with my own search, I also eliminated anyone who had already passed away.”

  “Do you seriously not understand what ‘get out’ means?!”

  “And you know what I was left with? Just five possibilities. Only five!”

  “It’s amazing how thick you are.”

  Storgen looked around, his eyes distant and elated. “I know, it’s amazing. This is the closest I’ve ever been to finding her.”

  “You can’t be in here. I’m practically naked!”

  Storgen looked her over for the first time since entering. “Seriously? Huh, I guess I didn’t notice.”

  Philiastra’s face went bright green.

  “GET OUT!!!”

  She fired a blast of energy that sent him smashing through the wooden wall and across the deck, where he went careening over the side and into the ocean.

  * * *

  The Goddess Mónos opened her eyes amid a warbly voice scratching in her ears. She found a bright pair of eyes looking down on her.

  “Good morning,” Agaprei said sweetly.

  “Ahhhhhhh!”

  Mónos fell out of her filthy bed, scattering mewing cats everywhere and thudding to the temple floor.

  “Sorry, didn’t mean to frighten you.”

  Mónos looked out at the clean black stone floor sprawling out before her, shining cat fixtures and glowing feline torches. She barely recognized the place.

  “It’s so clean,” she remarked, looking around with her deep set eyes.

  “Can you believe it? Underneath all that scat and hairballs was a really nice obsidian floor. Whoever owned this temple before you put some real coin into it.”

  The room felt so much bigger now, the missing piles of dirt and fur revealing tables and chairs Mónos had forgot even existed.

  She grabbed her stained pillow and held it close for comfort. “Where did it all go?”

  Agaprei’s long pointed ears twitched happily. “I traded it to the farmers guild as fertilizer, in exchange they provided the manpower.”

  The goddess went even paler than usual. “You let people into my temple?”

  “Don’t worry, they were real quiet.”

  “But…but…”

  “Here’s the remainder, godmother.”

  Agaprei handed her a small bag of silver coins. Mónos looked at them in confusion.

  “Wait, you got a bunch of people to clean my temple and they paid YOU for it?”

  “Pretty neat, huh? Turns out, fertilizer blessed by a goddess fetches quite the high price.”

  “But, I didn’t bless it.”

  Agaprei shrugged. “They don’t need to know that.”

  The goddess was speechless.

  Something stirred in Agaprei’s lavender hair, and a small puppy poked its head out and yapped.

  Mónos brushed aside some of her stringy black hair. “Is…that a dog?”

  “Yeah, isn’t he cute? He followed me home the other day. I was thinking of calling him Nick.”

  “You brought a dog into my temple?”

  Agaprei grabbed the puppy and nuzzled it into her face. “Maybe Skýlos would be better. It means dog.”

  “Yes, I know what it means, that’s not the point. This is a sanctuary for cats.”

  “Oh, yeah, I already thought of that.”

  Agaprei fished out a little headband with knitted cat ears and put it on the puppy’s head.

  “There. You see? Isn’t he adorable?”

  “But…”

  A bone horn sounded in the main hall.

  “Ah, breakfast is served,” Agaprei announced, placing Skýlos back atop her head.

  Mónos struggled to stand amidst the river of cats rushing out of the room. “Breakfast?”

  “Come see,” Agaprei said, bouncing with excitement.

  The main hall was now flawlessly clean, dozens of elaborate cat toys lining the walls like statues. Jade scratching posts, pearl star chasers, platinum charmer wands, hardwood claw perches, leather play tracks, automaton pounce labyrinths, and a surprisingly elegant array of clockwork mice from Erotan.

  The hundreds of cats were having the time of their lives, playing in their new environment.

  Mónos nearly tripped over her dirty nightgown when she saw it.

  “Where did all these come from?”

  Agaprei turned around. “From your followers; you had a mountain of unopened gifts in the cellar. You really should go through your mail more often.”

  “I didn’t open them because then I’d have to thank them for it. Ugh, now I’ll have to talk to people.”

  “Already taken care of.”

  Agaprei handed her a stack of hand-written thank-you letters.

  “I can mail them out right away, godmother.”

  Mónos blinked. “Oh.”

  The happy cats mewed with elation as workers brought in several bronze pallets with a delectable assortment of fine meats. As each was set down, the cats set upon them with ravenous hunger, their tails swishing happily, like a field of wheat.

  “Only the best for the godmother’s cats,” Agaprei boasted.

  Being around so many people was making her feel nervous. Talking so much was making her feel exhausted. Mónos looked around worriedly, her limp hair flicking about. “I don’t have the funds for this. Where did all of this come from?”

  “I made some deals with the local butchers. They’ll be providing all the meat for your cats from now on, so you can save your ambrosia for more important miracles.”

  “Providing the meat?”

  “Indubitably, it’s an official sponsorship. They get huge tax exemptions, and we let them use your name in their advertisements. I give them a mention at public events. Badda-bing, badda-boom, as they say.”

  “Oh, wow that’s…really good actually. Well done.”

  “Thank you.”

  Mónos looked around at her happy cats playing with their new toys in their clean temple, feasting on sumptuous meats, and couldn’t help but feel pleased. She even managed a weak smile herself. “Maybe having a champion won’t be so bad after all.”

  “I know, right? Oh, and here’s the best part.”

  Agaprei pulled aside a curtain, revealing a freshly installed doorway.

  Mónos was mortified. “You put a door on my temple?”

  “What? Oh, that’s just so everyone can get in and out. The real surprise is outside.”

  Agaprei followed the workers outside.

  “But, I like my temple the way it was,” the goddess complained as she furtively stuck her head outside. “I don’t want people coming to visit me.”

  Ag
aprei jumped up on the scaffolding and did a little dance, finishing off with a spin and raising her hands in the air. “Tah-Dah!”

  The light stinging her eyes, Mónos stepped out to get a better view. While one group of apprentices cleaned the north side of the temple, another group was carving a beautiful relief of a waterfall into the now clean reddish sandstone of the south side.

  “A waterfall?”

  Yep. I contracted with the stonecutter’s guild. They’re going to clean and carve all your shrines nearly free of charge.”

  Mónos hugged her nightgown closer to her. “Nearly?”

  “Yep, in return their guild comes under our protection. We’ll be the special guests at their graduation feasts from now on.”

  “S-special guests?”

  “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll handle all that. You don’t even need to be there.”

  Mónos breathed in relief. “Well, I guess that’s not too bad. But why a waterfall?”

  “You need a crest for advertisements, and it’s essential for your branding to have a symbol people can readily recognize, so I registered this one with the celestial hall.”

  “Yes, but why a waterfall?”

  “Everybody likes waterfalls. They’re beautiful.”

  The goddess glanced up at the enormous relief. “No one likes them this much.”

  Agaprei took out a sketch of the finished relief and held it up alongside Mónos’ face.

  “Besides, look, it kind of looks like your hair.”

  She looked over the sketch warily. “I guess it does…kinda.”

  “See? It’s perfect. Now, let me show you my plans to expand the garden.”

  “I’m not so sure about all of this…”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Warestus is also known as The Tracker. He is swift of foot and keen of hearing. In his youth, he was filled with wanderlust, exploring the stars above and the earth below, and even to this day there are many places in both that are known only to him. He is the master of traps, able to ensnare even giants and titans in his lures. Many of his traps remain unsprung for centuries, as he grows impatient easily, and often moves on, leaving them unsprung, and eventually even forgetting himself where he set them. Travelers and merchants know they must stick to roads and well-worn paths, for fear of stumbling into one of his ancient snares. Entire armies have vanished overnight, and the fate of nations forever altered because of his carelessness. He delights in hunting the monsters of the world, and from him, the humans learned the expertise necessary to drive the beastmen from their lands and into the north.

  Warestus is credited with siring more children with mortals than any other god, and even he does not recall the full number of them. It was he who first taught humans how to lie. He favors the patient and the vicious. Duplicity is his gift to the world. His first wife was Rhiannon, his second wife was Dabria, his third wife was Nava, cousin of Dabria, and his current wife is Raelyn, sister of Rhiannon.

  - Get to Know Your Pantheon: A Handy Guide to Avoiding Damnation. Published in Erotan 389 H.B. to present

  The water in the shower room had run cold for some time, but the lone occupant didn’t notice.

  She sat on the tiled floor, the cold water running down her skin, her eyes as numb as her skin felt.

  What had once been a bar of soap now sat beside her, barely a sliver as it dissolved little by little, sending foamy trails into the darkness beyond the drain.

  She was beautiful, but that beauty was mired by a lifeless pallor in her skin.

  There was a knock at the door, and a stirring of life passed through those numb eyes.

  A female guard peeked in, worry on her face.

  “High priestess? Are you okay?”

  Acantha wiped her face. “Yes. Yeah, I’m fine.”

  “You look pale.”

  “I said I’m fine, what do you want?”

  “The goddess is calling for you.”

  Acantha grabbed the railing and forced herself to stand.

  “Very well.”

  Acantha finished tying her hair back and adjusting the clasps on her robes as she entered the sanctum, where Ambera was sitting on her throne, lost in thought.

  “You summoned me, my goddess.”

  “Yes, I need to verify something. Please wind up the whisper ring.”

  Acantha glanced at the lever sitting right beside the throne, so close that Ambera’s elbow nearly touched it.

  Acantha took a deep breath to swallow her irritation, and pulled the lever.

  Clockwork mechanisms beneath the floor spun and whirred. The fox crest at the center slid aside and an alchemic device rose up, a large brass ring spinning faster and faster as arcane energies played over its surface. The air began thickening, as the ring picked up speed. Ambera added some of her magic to the device, and it became a glowing orb of energy.

  Within the orb, the face of a roundish god appeared, his head crowned with laurels, his cheeks flush with inebriation as he took a mighty gulp from his glowing goblet.

  “Krasi, I need to talk to you,” Ambera said.

  The god of the vineyard nearly spat out his wine when he saw who it was. “Oh, Ambera. I’ sorry but I’m pretty busy right now.”

  “Since when are you busy?”

  He wiped the drips from his chins and sucked on his fingers. “Lots of vineyards to bless, barrels to purify, you know how it is.”

  “I’ll cut the repartee, then. What’s this I hear about Sirend sending all our ambrosia to the hippocampi?”

  He thought for a moment. “Yes, all my tithes are being sent to the water dwellers.”

  “Same here. It’s very very strange, do you know why he’s doing it?”

  “Look, I don’t want any trouble.”

  Ambera smacked her gum angrily. “See, this is why I never call. If you don’t want trouble, then give me what I want.”

  Krasi became even more flustered, requiring a fresh goblet just to keep his composure. “What you want? Oh, okay. Look, I can’t accept a challenge from you right now. I’m really happy with my new champion, and I don’t want…”

  “Challenge? What? I was just…”

  “Okay, okay, I’ll tell you what. I have a little ambrosia I’ve been squirreling away for a rainy day. It’s not much, just about a quarter barrel. How about I give it to you and we both pretend like this conversation never happened.”

  Ambera furrowed her brow. “Um…I mean, I guess.”

  “Oh, what a relief. Thank you, cousin. Thank you so much. I’ll send it right away.”

  The image disappeared and the ring slowly spun to a halt.

  “What in the cosmos was that?” Ambera wondered aloud.

  “He seemed scared of you,” Acantha noted.

  Ambera sat back in thought. “That’s not what I wanted to know, but I suppose that’s a good thing. You can always tell when you are about to be fired, because people begin ignoring you.”

  “Still, beyond this farcical festival on Kólasi, you still don’t have any long term plan to meet Sirend’s ambrosia quotas.”

  Ambera gave her a sidelong glance, but decided not to press the issue.

  The goddess glanced over at Erolina, who was brooding in a corner. “Scythe, what do you make of this?”

  “What, you don’t have any more bathrooms for me to scrub?” the amazon asked curtly.

  “Answer my question, or I just might.”

  Erolina stepped out of the shadows and into the light. “He wasn’t afraid of you, he was afraid of being challenged.”

  “Challenged, but why would he…?”

  Ambera’s eyes went distant as she realized what was happening.

  “That’s right. How could I not have seen this sooner? My victory over Nisi is the greatest upset of the century. Probably the greatest upset since the beginning of the champion system. They don’t know that I was planning to lose, so from their point of view, I entered the challenge vastly overconfident, recklessly wagering the bulk of my empire. To them, it mus
t have seemed like I was absolutely sure I would win.”

  “They must think you have some sort of new weapon or trick,” Acantha added. Something they can’t yet detect or counter. Krasi was worried that if you challenged him, he would be destroyed like Nisi was.”

  “There are rumors among the other champions that Storgen is unique somehow,” Erolina reported, flicking back her long silver ponytail. “Some new, more powerful breed of human.”

  “And did you quell those rumors?”

  “I don’t discuss household matters with outsiders. That would be dishonorable.”

  Ambera clapped her hands. “Perfect! I know how we’re going to meet Sirend’s quotas.”

  Acantha looked up from her slate. “How?”

  “We’re going to stoke the rumors. Tout the human’s strength. Claim he’s unbeatable, that sort of thing. Then we’re going to begin issuing challenges to other gods, once a day at least.”

  “There’s no way we can afford to host that many duelist courts.”

  “Don’t you see? We won’t have to. After I issue the challenge, I’ll give them the chance to settle out of court by giving me a gift of ambrosia. Just like Krasi, they’ll do anything to avoid a crushing defeat.”

  “So, this is basically a shakedown,” Acantha appraised.

  “No, not like a shakedown, more like protection money.”

  “Pretty sure that’s the same thing.”

  Erolina folded her arms in disgust. “This is NOT how the champion system was designed to be used.”

  “I don’t recall asking your opinion, Scythe. Now go and clean my stables with your bare hands. You beastmen like that sort of thing, right?”

  Erolina snarled as she bowed and began to walk away.

  “This is perfect,” Ambera squeed as she smacked her gum. “Whoever thought that stupid little human would become such a windfall?”

  Acantha looked up. “Ah, speaking of windfall, didn’t you tell the Alchemy Tower they could take him?”

  Ambera’s face went white. “Poo, I did.”

  She slumped back down in her throne. “Okay, I got it. Scythe, come back here.”

  Erolina paused at the door. “What now?”