by BL Mute
“You can’t keep me away that long.” He kissed my nose.
My mom disappeared into the kitchen, so I led James to my room to show him what she had done. James just smiled at my excitement.
After a quick shower and change of clothes, I fell into bed with James, but we didn’t have sex. My therapist told me it could be another crutch for me, so I wanted to really try and abstain. I didn’t want to fall back into old habits. Sure, I’d loved James in high school, but at this point, we weren’t in school anymore. We weren’t kids. I might have been living with my mom, but I was working on getting my life back on track, and that included getting to know James all over again.
He didn’t complain or even try. He just held me all through the night.
I woke up the next morning lying on James’s chest while he played with my hair. “Morning,” I croaked.
His voice was hard when he spoke. “Morning.”
I knew he was sad about having to leave me later and go back to Texas—hell, I was too. “I’m going to miss you,” I whispered.
He stayed quiet for a moment and continued running his finger through a few strands of my hair. “I’ve waited so long for this, and now that I finally have it, I have to leave.”
“You could stay…” I trailed off. I knew he couldn’t, but I wouldn’t stop trying. He'd promised his dad, and he wasn’t one to go back on a promise. He stuck to a promise he made me three years ago, so I should have known.
“You know I can’t.” He dropped my hair. “But you could come with me.”
I raised my head from his chest and looked into his eyes. He was completely serious. “I… I can’t.” I looked to the opposite side.
“Why not?”
“James, our relationship isn’t the only one I need to work on and fix. I have my mom here and my friends. I can’t leave them behind.” I shook my head, then looked back to him.
He let out a sigh and pulled me back down to his chest. “I know, baby. We will figure something out.”
I nodded and closed my eyes when he started playing with my hair again.
We stayed that way the whole morning, and even all the way through the afternoon. We didn’t talk in fear of making time rush by quicker. We just stayed locked together on my bed, under the “stars,” until he had to leave.
The next three years passed. James still lived in Texas, and I was in Kansas, but he would visit a few times a month. I worked hard to rebuild everything I had broken and tried to stay positive even though it was hard.
I had finally moved out of my mom’s and got my own place, a one-bedroom apartment in the heart of town, and I found a job as a receptionist for a counseling facility while I started classes to become a therapist. I really thought my life was looking up.
Walking into my apartment, I slung my bag onto the counter and tossed my keys beside it. It was the anniversary of my dad’s death again and my birthday—the anniversary that had started it all. Most of the time, I was able to talk myself down and say everything would be okay, but this time I didn’t believe it.
My mom and Peyton were out of town for work, and I had no clue where Chance was. No matter how hard I had tried to fix things with him, he still kept his distance, so I never even bothered to call. The only thing I was looking forward to that day was seeing James.
I walked into my kitchen and grabbed myself a water bottle from the fridge. I didn’t bother turning on any lights. I had just gotten off work and wanted to crawl into bed as soon as possible.
My phone started buzzing inside my bag. Thankfully I hadn’t turned on the TV or some music like I normally did, or I would have missed the call. I walked around the counter and pulled it out of my bag before answering. “Hello?”
A honey voice spoke back to me “Hey, baby.” It was James.
I let out a sigh. “Hey.”
“How was work? Did you make it home yet?”
I walked into the living room and plopped onto the couch with the phone still pressed to my ear. “It was okay. Same old, same old. I just got in.”
“Good.”
We both grew quiet. That seemed to happen a lot. Being in a long-distance relationship, the phone was the only thing that connected us. When we ran out of things to talk about, the only thing left to do was hang up, but I didn’t want to do that. I wasn’t ready to be alone with my thoughts.
“You’re still coming, right? I need you.” I asked. He made it a point to come see me every year on this day, but this year he hadn’t said anything about it.
“I’m trying, Jupiter. My dad is sick, so he’s needing more help than normal, and these classes are kicking my ass.”
I chewed my lip. “Okay. I guess just let me know,” I whispered.
“Hey… Don’t do that,” he said back in an almost playful tone.
“Do what, James?”
“Talk like the world is ending because I’m running behind schedule.” He chuckled.
I just shook my head. He didn’t need to know that I was craving a drink or some pills. I so badly wanted that little bit of help to sleep or feel numb, just for a minute. “I’m sorry, but hey, I’m going to shower and go to bed. I have to work early tomorrow.” I tried to keep my voice light so he didn’t feel worse than he already did. “I’ll call in the morning, okay?”
“Okay, babe. Get some rest and remember I’ll be there when I can. I love you.”
“Love you too. I hope your dad gets to feeling better.” I clicked End on the call before he could say anything else.
I stood from the couch and roamed my apartment. There was nothing exciting about my place. Nothing to really do there other than, eat, sleep, and shower. It was only four o’clock, so I decided to get my bag and head back out to grab some food. I was over the day already.
I got into my car with full intentions of going to grab some food, then heading home. Instead, I found myself driving to the liquor store. I knew I shouldn’t have, and maybe that’s why I stayed in my parked car for twenty minutes staring at the flashing neon in the windows that advertised their different products.
I knew it was a bad decision, but I couldn’t help myself. I took a deep breath, got out of my car, and walked inside the liquor store to find my old friend.
I had been staring at the bottle of whiskey on my counter for a good hour. When I got home, I wanted to crack the seal and just drink from the bottle. That time of year was always hard, but being alone was making it even more dreadful.
“God, I miss you.” I spoke out loud into my empty apartment. I wasn’t sure if I was talking to the whiskey, my dad and Mia, or James.
In reality, I missed them all. It had been years since Mia passed and even more than that since my dad. James had been in Texas for weeks, so I had nothing more than phone calls with him. I was alone and sad and wanting to cave so badly.
I shook my head at the bottle, then went into my room. It was now rolling around to six o’clock, and I thought maybe a shower would clear my mind. I gathered my clothes and lotion, then went into the bathroom and turned on the water.
I waited until steam was rising to step in. The initial heat burned my skin, but I adjusted quickly. I didn’t hurry to scrub my body or wash my hair; instead, I stood under the stream until the water turned cold.
When I stepped out, my head wasn’t much clearer than when I had stepped in. I looked to the clock on my living room wall as I walked from my bedroom. It was almost seven, and I still wasn’t feeling any better than before.
I went back to the bottle and stared at it a beat before wrapping my hand around its neck and twisting the seal. The smell made my skin tingle because I knew exactly how I would feel once I took a sip. I brought it to my lips, but instead of tipping it back, I started to cry.
Had I really sunk so low? I hated myself for wanting something so bad even though I knew it wasn’t right. I hated myself for using my dad and Mia as an excuse to do stupid shit. I just hated myself all the way around.
I threw the bottle over the co
unter and to the floor. It shattered on impact, and the brown liquid splashed onto the floor, creeping all over the tile.
I sat on the floor, wrapped in a towel, crying over everything I had become. I hated myself. I sucked in a deep breath though my nose and went back into my room and grabbed some paper and a pen. I was tired of feeling this way. I was tired of relying on a substance or person to make me happy. There was no turning back or training myself to flourish alone. I was ready to end it all.
A knock on my door made me jump. I hurried back to the kitchen to stuff the paper and pen under my bag on the counter before I dried my eyes and rushed to the door. When I opened it, I saw James standing there with a single cupcake with a candle lit and flickering on the top, and a bouquet of sunflowers.
His smile was stretched across his lips until his eyes met mine. He pushed his way through the door and set everything on my coffee table. “Jupiter?” he whispered. His forehead was scrunched up and he was frowning.
“Make it stop.” My voice cracked and my lip quivered. “James, please,” I begged.
I knew he could fix me, he always had, and I needed him to fix me now. The bliss of being with James never lasted since he would have to leave soon, but I didn’t care. I just needed the distraction, the love—I needed him.
His green eyes met my blue ones. They were like the most perfect emeralds battling the sea. He shook his head slowly.
“Make the pain go away,” I whispered. And he did.
He took three big steps, planting his feet directly in front of me, and cupped my tear stained cheeks in his hands. “Jupiter.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to hear what he wanted to say. I just wanted a moment of peace. I pushed onto my toes and brushed my lips against his. Within minutes, he was surrendering the fight and giving me exactly what I needed… his love.
Present
“What happened next?” she asks.
“He left this morning…” I drag my eyes to the other side of the bar. I should have been at work today, but after James left, I felt worse than before he came. The overwhelming sense of being alone was too much to handle. My whiskey was still shattered on the floor, so here I was, sitting at a bar, talking to a stranger, ready to mail the letters I finished writing this morning.
The woman’s eyes go wide. “Yesterday was…”
She didn’t finish the sentence; I knew what she was asking. “Happy Birthday to me, huh?” I chuckle.
“Oh honey.” She grabs my arm and pulls me into her body. She smells like cigarettes and perfume, but it’s comforting. I start to sob into her chest and hope she doesn’t complain.
She pulls back, wipes my cheeks, then pushes my hair behind my ears. “You’re going to be okay. You know that, right?” Her eyes bounce between mine.
I give her a tight smile. “Maybe one day.” I’m not about to tell her my plans for when I leave here. Her kindness makes my heart sing—I just wish I had met her sooner. I feel we would have been great friends.
I collect my bag from the counter, pull out a hundred-dollar bill, and place it on the counter. It’s not like I’ll need it anyway. I cut my eyes back to the woman. “Write that book, okay?”
She smiles at me and nods. “I’ll be sure to send you a copy. What is your info?”
“How about I find you when it’s time? What’s your name?”
She shakes her head but doesn’t ask again. She just extends her hand to me. “I’m BL.”
“Well, BL.” I shake her hand. “It was nice talking with you.” I hop from the barstool and put my bag over my shoulder and start to walk across the dusty old floor.
“Jupiter!” BL shouts behind me. I look at her over my shoulder. “Don’t let that be the end of your story. Don’t let your moons consume you.”
I turned my body back around. “My moons?”
She smiles. “The planet Jupiter has seventy-nine moons. They’re always there, always orbiting around. Look at your sadness and anger and everything else as your moons. When they’re behind you, let them be behind you. Don’t let them consume you.” She shakes her head. “Sorry, I’m a space and science buff. The comparison just fit too perfectly with your name.”
I just laugh and nod my head. That’s one way to describe my problems. I give her one last smile, then walk out the door.
The nice little buzz I had going from the drinks is wearing off, so I think I’ll be okay to drive. I cross the street back to my car and climb in.
Deep breath, Jupiter. In through your nose, out through your mouth, I tell myself. My hands are shaking again, and water is already filling my eyes, but it’s too late to back out. Too much has happened, too much I can’t fix.
I pull away from the curb and start onto the road back home. My conversation with BL plays through my head like a movie. Tears hit my cheeks, but I bat them away. I refused to cry, but it seems that’s all I’ve done today.
I was so horrible the last few years, and I’m about to do something even more horrible. Something that will be unforgivable. I’m tired of fighting my moons, as BL put it, and losing miserably. I’m tired of being tired, and I’m ready to give up, ready to lose the war. I’m ready to find peace and have no worries.
I’m ready to die, to be with my dad and Mia.
Some people say suicide is selfish, but I don’t think the ones who say that understand all it takes to commit the act. Suicide isn’t selfish—it’s selfless. It takes courage to leave the people you love behind. I know everyone would be better off without me. They’ll be happy and find their own peace.
The tears won’t stop. My vision is getting blurry, and I’m nowhere near home yet. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and try to focus. I glance to the passenger seat and see the tops of the four letters peeking out of my bag. All the envelopes taunt me and remind me what I’m giving up.
I hit the steering wheel and look to the other side of the road and see no cars. I whip into the middle to make a U-turn back to the mailbox. I hear the tires screeching and a horn blaring, but I can’t bring myself to turn the wheel out of the way. I don’t think I want to.
This is it. Today is the day…
“Hello?” I answer. I was getting ready to leave the office when the phone on my desk started ringing.
“James, it’s Amy.” Her voice is shaky, and it sounds like she’s been crying. “It’s Jupiter. She was in an accident. I know you just got back to Texas, but I could really use you here.”
“An accident?” I shake my head and grab my jacket with nervous hands and try to run out of the door. The cord pushes everything from my desk, sending it to the floor with a loud clatter. My heart is racing, and my hands are shaky. “What do you mean? Is she ok?”
She sniffles. “She was making a U-turn and a car T-boned her. Broken leg, broken arm, and a few broken ribs. One of her ribs punctured a lung, so her breathing is labored. She’s stable but in bad shape.” Her voice cracks.
“I’ll be there soon.” I throw the phone to the floor with the cradle, then sprint to my dad’s office.
I stick my head in the door. “Pops! I gotta go. Jupiter was in an accident.”
His head raises from the papers he’s staring at on his desk. His eyes match mine, shining pain, worry, and concern. “Is she okay?”
My dad has been the one to bear all my heartache when it comes to Jupiter. He thought she and I wouldn’t last, but I never gave up. I was determined to keep her as mine.
“She’s stable.” I shake my head. “I need to go. You have everything under control here?”
“Yeah, go get your girl, and keep me updated.”
I give him a curt nod, then run out of the office.
My dad is finally getting better. I guess old age is getting to him, but he’s able to run things alone without my help. I promised him one more week before I made my move back to Harper Valley, and he agreed. I didn’t want to tell Jupiter about my plans until I knew I could follow through, but I guess my move is going to happen now rather than late
r.
I jump on the back of my bike and kick it to start. I don’t bother going back to my place for clothes or anything else; I just hit the road to Harper Valley and hope the seven-hour drive goes by quickly.
I make it to the hospital in about six hours, I hauled ass every chance I got and didn’t slow down except for gas. Everything is dark since the sun is setting, and there is an eerie vibe to the air. I walk to the doors and step through as they open automatically.
Glancing at my phone, I take a mental note of the directions Amy texted me. I go up the elevators and exit on the third floor, turn left, and push through the doors to the ICU. I say every number on every door I pass in my head until I finally reach Jupiter’s. 146.
Amy is curled into a ball in a chair next to Jupiter’s bed while Jupiter is stretched on the bed as much as her body will allow it. Her left leg and arm are wrapped in white casts, and her face is a little bruised. Her looks match who she is as a person. Broken, fragile, and beautiful.
“Amy?” My voice drifts through the room quietly and echoes.
She raises her head and turns in the chair. “James.” She sighs with a grin, but the happiness doesn’t reach her eyes.
“How is she doing?”
“She’s okay. They have her on a morphine drip for the pain, so she probably won’t wake up until tomorrow. They’re keeping her here in the ICU until her breathing regulates a little more.”
I nod slowly and drag my eyes back to Jupiter. “How long have you been here?” I ask Amy, not looking at her.
“About seven hours. I could use some food and a shower.” She chuckles.
“Go, I’ll sit with her.” I turn my body toward her and shoo her with my hand.
She looks into my eyes. “You sure?”
“Positive. She’ll be here when you get back.” I smile.
She lets out a deep breath and stands to her feet, then reaches above her head in a stretch. “Thank you, James. You always seem to be around when we need you most. I could never say thank you enough for loving my Jupiter.” She lets her arms fall and smiles. I return her smile as she walks out the door.