by BL Mute
I take Amy’s seat and grab Jupiter’s limp hand, then lace my fingers with hers and kiss her forehead lightly. “You’re going to be okay,” I whisper.
I must have dozed off because when I wake, the sun is peeking through the blinds, hitting my face. I wince at the bright light, then scrub my hand down my face and look to Jupiter. She’s still asleep and Amy is back, sitting in a chair on the other side of the bed and scrolling through her phone.
“When did you get back?”
She raises her head and smiles. “It was late last night. Peyton is on her way. I’m trying to figure out what to do about her car. The tow company called and said it totaled, but I still need to get her personal belongings out.”
“I can take care of it. I have a key to her place, so I’ll get all the stuff and take it back there.”
“I don’t know what she has in there.” She extends her hand over the bed to me. “Take my car.”
I nod and take the keys from her hand. “I’m going to shower and eat while I’m out. Call me if she wakes up.”
“I will. Thank you, James.”
“No problem.” I flash her a smile, then kiss Jupiter’s forehead and walk out the door and hit the elevators.
I pull into the junkyard and park by the door of the small office. I look around, but it’s hard to spot Jupiter’s car in the graveyard of twisted metal. Stepping out of Amy’s SUV, I pat my back pocket to make sure I have my ID in case they need it.
I walk into the small building, and it reeks of oil. “Can I help you?” the guy at the front asks. He has on a white shirt with grease stains all over it and worn-out blue jeans.
“I’m here to get the personal belongings from a car that came in. It’s registered to Jupiter Taylor.”
The man raises his brow. “Are you related to her?”
Without thinking, I give him an answer I know will guarantee I can get her things. “I’m her husband.”
He smiles, then walks around me toward the door. “Follow me.”
We weave in and out of piles of mangled cars and other junk, all the way to the back. He points a finger at a blue car, blue like Jupiter’s, and says, “That’s it.”
“Thanks.” He walks away as I walk closer to the car.
The driver’s-side door is smashed in and unable to open, and the windows are broken. I walk to the other side and see the door is completely gone on this side. I’m assuming that’s how they got her out. I stare in amazement. She’s lucky to be alive because this is no car; it’s more of a ball of metal now.
I shake away my thoughts and crawl into the seat and open the glove box. Insurance info, napkins, pens, all the random stuff is there. I look around the car hoping there is a bag or something lying around. At my feet, her black leather purse points from under the seat.
I tug it free and open it. Four envelopes stare back at me. I pull them out and read over the fronts. One is addressed to me, one to Peyton, one to Chance, and the last to her mom. I tuck them under my leg and scoop everything from the glove box into the bag. I gather all the other random things I see—AUX cord, tumbler, Tylenol bottle—and then I pop the trunk. I tuck the envelopes under my arm when I step out and grab the few things she has in the trunk.
The letters eat at me. One is addressed to me, so I could open it, but I don’t. I make it back to the front and thank the man as I walk by the office and slide into Amy’s SUV. I dump everything in the passenger seat, then head to Jupiter’s.
The drive isn’t long from the junkyard, only fifteen minutes, and I’m thankful. I’m still in my suit and tie from work and want to change. I gather all of Jupiter’s stuff and walk to her apartment door. I can’t believe I was just walking out of this door yesterday.
Shaking my head, I push the key into the lock and turn it. I walk to the living room and dump everything on the couch, then head to the kitchen. The smell of booze assaults my nose.
Odd… Jupiter doesn’t drink anymore, I think to myself. Something on the floor crunches beneath my shoes. I flip the light and see a bottle of Jim Beam shattered on the floor. I can’t remember if this was here or not when I had come yesterday; I was too wrapped up in comforting Jupiter.
I grab the broom and sweep up all the glass, then take a wet washcloth and wipe down the floor. I can clean it more later; I need a shower.
I walk into Jupiter’s room and flip on the light. The bedsheets are still a mess and tangled from our night before, and I can smell her in the air. Her light, floral perfume hangs vaguely in the air, and I love it.
I grab a T-shirt and some jeans I left here a few weeks ago and go into the bathroom. I rush with scrubbing my body and washing my hair, then step out and dry. When I’m walking back to her room, the envelopes on the couch call to me.
Instead of dressing and leaving like I should, I sit down to read. I run my finger under the seal on the back, then pull out a piece of paper. Jupiter’s delicate handwriting is all over it in black ink.
James, my sweet, sweet James.
You must be wondering what this is. You must be thinking that I’m losing my mind for writing you a love letter when I can easily talk to you, but the thing is, this isn’t a love letter or a confession. Well, sort of. This is the only way I think I can tell you without losing my courage.
So here it goes!
First, I want to say thank you. Thank you for always loving me, loving me unconditionally. For not giving up on me when I did, numerous times. Always giving me exactly what I needed even without my knowledge. For trusting me and my judgment—even when things were questionable.
You are the one true shining ray of sunshine in my life when my world was gray. And gray it was. It was bleak, numb, and all closed off.
A piece of me shattered when my dad died… Even now it hurts. My heart feels… void, like a big chunk of it is missing—stolen. Yes, he was stolen from me. Taken away way too early, before it was his time. I didn’t know how to live, how to move forward in life without him. He was my rock, guiding me, and just accepting and loving me.
You remind me so much of him. You are exactly like him. Patient, loving, caring, and compassionate. Always thinking about others, helping them, and letting them lean on you. So, I didn’t want any part of you that would remind me what I had lost. So, I pushed you away, pushed until I was empty and hollow, a shell.
With him gone I’d lost sight of everything. I became obsessed with pushing everyone away and not caring, because my heart refused to care without him around. It refused happiness because he’s not here to share it with. Refused any comfort others were showering over me.
I’d finally started moving on—not exactly— but you get the drift. I numbed my pain and was living. And I was okay with that life. I had Mia and I was kind of—sort of happy. She was the only one who didn’t feel disgusted by what I’d become. She had put me back together in the best way I allowed her to put me. Loved me even with my broken, scared self. And she gave me what I craved, to forget the pain. Pills, alcohol. Anything that will help me forget and be numb. Then my selfish heart pushed her, broke her too. Then suddenly, she was gone too.
I realized then no matter how much I said I didn’t want any part of my past, no matter how many times I rejected you all, tried to numb my pain for loss, I was still that eighteen-year-old girl who loved being loved by everyone. And I didn’t want to end up like her. Didn’t want pills or booze to become the only reason to live.
And you coming back unexpectedly in my life brought that picture to light. You helped me piece myself back together, to come to terms with my loss. You taught me how to love myself again.
You are my knight in shining armor, lurking and waiting in the shadows to fight my battles or guiding me to fight them myself. When I was ready to fall, you were there to catch me, hold me, and love me.
You are my one true love, and I’m so fucking glad I met you. Glad I got to experience this life with you—even if it was a short one. You’ve been such an amazing person to me, but even you can�
�t fill this void.
I’m tired of being alone. This loneliness in my heart is like a cancer, spreading and destroying me from inside. No amount of therapy, work, outings with colleagues, and new friends—nothing helps fill this void. I still feel so alone. Lost and empty. So much empty. And it hurts. Even breathing alone hurts. I don’t know if I’m living or dying slowly. I feel like my mind and heart have finally given up happiness. And I do not want to live a life that is not fulfilled, happy and whole.
I’ve already dragged you and others down with me enough. I don’t want to anymore. I want all the aches, the constant tension, to be erased completely. I want you all to live a happy and stress-free life without me. And that’s possible only if I’m not in the picture. So, I’m finally setting you all free.
Please. Please, don’t blame yourself for what I’m about to do. It's not your fault. You did everything you could, but my heart is beyond repair.
Live your life to the fullest, my sweet James. Fall in love, have plenty of babies.
Don’t become a fuckup like me. Don’t give up on life like me.
Always shine bright like the sun!
Find peace with my decision and move on. Conquer the world and do big things!
Never forget me, but don’t let me hold you back. I love you. So much. Even after death.
XOXO J
My mouth falls open as I read the last line. She was really going to end it all. She was really going to leave me. I knew she was hurting, but I didn’t think it was this bad.
I fold the letter up and slip it back inside the envelope with shaky hands. My heart is ready to beat out of my chest at the thought of not having Jupiter. What would I do with my life? What would I do without her?
I push the thoughts and panic away and stand from the couch. I don’t think anyone needs to see these letters, so I shove them into my back pocket and leave the apartment.
I get back to the hospital and follow the same path I did the day before to get to Jupiter’s room.
“James!” Peyton screams when I walk in.
“Hey, Blue.” Her hair isn’t as blue now—she only colors the tips—but the nickname never seemed to leave after high school. “Where’s Amy?”
“She had to go sign some papers for the insurance. She should be right back.” She walks in front of me and pulls me into a hug. “How’re you?”
I pull away from her. “I’m good. How’re you? Where’s Chance?” Peyton and Chance are a package deal, so it’s weird she’s here and he isn’t.
She rolls her eyes. “He’s exploring the world or some shit. He’s in Thailand with Matt building houses or something.” She shrugs.
I chuckle at her reply. “Good for him. I’m glad he and Matt are doing good.”
I’m always here visiting, but I never get a chance to see Peyton or Chance. Everyone has grown up and works and has their own lives. We could never coordinate a time to meet up.
“Yeah.” She twirls her hair around her finger, then drops it. “They say she should wake up today.” Peyton’s brown eyes look to Jupiter and turn sad.
“Hey.” I try to get her to look at me, but she doesn’t. “Don’t be sad. She’s here and that’s what’s important. We just have to let her know how relieved we are.”
Peyton finally brings her eyes to mine and tips her head. “I’m sure she’s going to know we’re happy.” She laughs. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head and rub the back of my neck. “Yeah… Yeah, I’m good, just tired. It’s been a crazy day.”
She nods. “Well, try and get some rest when you can. I have to head out, but call me if she wakes up.”
“You got it.” She kisses my cheek playfully, then bounces out the door.
I let out a deep breath and sit in the chair next to Jupiter’s bed. I want to bring up the letters, I want to ask her what she was thinking, but I can’t because she’s still out. I rub my hands together and grab hers. It isn’t as limp as yesterday, and I swear she just squeezed me.
I stand up and lean over her. “Jupiter?” Her lids flutter and her head moves.
“James?” It’s only a whisper, but I hear it.
I slip my phone from my pocket and send a quick text to her mom and Peyton, then push it on the chair behind me. “Hey. You’re awake.” I smile even though she can’t see me.
Her eyes finally open, and she winces at the light. She tries to rub them with the back of her hand, but the IV there doesn’t let her. “What happened?”
“You were…” I want to say accident, but I’m not even sure that’s what happened. Did she do this on purpose? I shake my head. “You were in an accident.”
She opens and closes her mouth like she’s trying to find moisture. I grab the cup of water from the stand by her bed and bring it to her lips. She takes small sips, then speaks again. “I was… I remember, I think.”
I nod. “Yeah, you made a U-turn and got hit.”
Her blue eyes drag up my body and to my face. “That car came out of nowhere.”
Before I can speak anymore, Peyton and Amy come rushing into the room. “J! God, I was so worried,” Peyton says, rushing to Jupiter’s side and hugging her gently.
Amy keeps her distance and stares with watery eyes. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” she whispers.
Jupiter pushes Peyton away and opens her arms the best she can, inviting her mom to her. “I’m sore and my side is killing me, but I’m okay.” Amy closes the distance between them and falls into Jupiter’s arms. Jupiter slowly strokes Amy’s hair and smiles.
When Amy pulls away, Jupiter looks back to me. “When did you get here? You’re supposed to be helping your dad.”
“I came back last night. Your mom called and I was worried. And my dad is fine—he finally kicked the sickness a few weeks ago. I was going to wait to tell you, because I wanted to make sure it all worked out, but I’m moving back.”
She tips her head. “Moving back here? To Harper Valley?”
A smile stretches across my lips. “Yep. You’re stuck with me now, and don’t even think of trying to run away—that cast won’t allow it.” I wink.
She laughs. “I’d never run from you.”
If that’s the case, then what’s the letter about? I want to scream, but I don’t. I just smile back at her.
Peyton sticks her tongue out and points to it. “Gross. I’m out. Call me if you need anything, J.” She kisses Jupiter right on the mouth, then leaves out of the door again.
“Are you hungry? I can go get whatever you want?” Amy asks. Her eyes are dry now, and she’s smiling at Jupiter.
“That’d be great, Mom. How about Chinese? I would die for some rice noodles.”
Amy smiles and nods. “Okay. I’ll be back.” She kisses Jupiter’s head and leaves.
Jupiter tries to sit up but winces when she tries to flex her stomach. “Hey, easy.” I rush to her side and help her slide up and raise the bed’s head.
She smiles at me but won’t look into my eyes. Maybe she’s feeling guilty for what she had planned, but I don’t know. I just kiss her lips and get comfy in the chair next to her bed. I won’t be leaving her again.
It’s been two weeks of going back and forth between Jupiter’s apartment to shower and change and the hospital, but she’s finally coming home. I’m gathering all the stuff she’s accumulated in the small hospital room while she hobbles around the room.
“Babe, you’re not supposed to walk on the cast.”
She drops the blanket she was trying, and failing, to fold and cuts her eyes to me. “Oh, I didn’t know you were a doctor.” She chuckles, then plops onto the bed with a sigh. “I can’t just live in that wheelchair. I need to be able to be up, and it isn’t really hurting. Doctor said I could do whatever I wanted as long as I wasn’t in pain.” She shrugs.
I just shake my head. I load all her bags on the small cart and push it into the hall as the nurse comes in to wheel her out. We load into her mom’s SUV and hit the road. Jupiter can’t ride on my bike w
ith one arm and one leg casted, so Amy gave me her car to borrow and just rides with Peyton to work.
We pull up to the apartment, and I throw the car into park. Getting out, I circle around to Jupiter’s side to help her out. I grab around her waist, and she holds me around my neck and wobbles inside.
“I’m so fucking happy to be home!” she squeals when I close the door behind us.
“I bet. Hospitals are no fun.” I laugh.
She goes to the couch and sees the bag I never moved. It has all the stuff from her car inside of it. She sits down and drags it into her lap and starts pulling out papers, pens, and cords. “Is this everything that was in my car?” she asks while digging all the way to the bottom of the bag frantically.
“Yeah, that’s everything,” I say quietly.
“No, this can’t be all of it. I’m missing… I’m missing some papers.” She turns the bag over and shakes it, letting loose change and bobby pins fall to the floor.
I walk to her room and open the dresser. I stashed the letters here after the third day at the hospital. I grab the four folded envelopes and walk back into the living room.
She’s still searching through all the papers and junk. “Is this what you’re looking for?” I hold the envelopes up.
Her eyes widen and her cheeks turn red. “Where did you get those?” She struggles to raise from the couch and limps toward me.
“They were in your car.”
She snatches them from my hands and unfolds them.
“You opened them?” she screams.
I’m taken back by her outburst. I’m the one who should be angry here, not her. “I opened the one addressed to me, not all of them.”
She fumbles with her words before she finally screams again. “You had no right to open that!” She shoves her finger into my chest while she has the envelopes fisted in her hand.