A Song in the Night

by Julie Maria Peace

  Jonathon shook himself from his preoccupation. “Oh, there are two other rooms. One’s a library – we call it ‘The Book Den’. You can borrow books, DVDs, music, stuff like that. The other room’s a mini chapel. Both the rooms upstairs are meant to be quiet. If the kids want to make a noise they do it down here. That’s the theory anyway.”

  Rosie nodded. “Sounds a bit like Toc-H. Y’know – Talbot House, Tubby Clayton’s place.”

  Jonathon’s face momentarily brightened as the similarity dawned on him. “I never thought of that,” he said simply.

  As they stood there, a succession of young people came over to say hello. Another string of introductions began and Rosie had to force herself to be friendly. She felt tired now and just wanted to be on her own. She’d never realised church could be quite so exhausting. Suddenly, however, an unexpected accent interrupted her thoughts. It was Amy, the American girl.

  “Hey – you guys mind if I join you?” Her voice was soft and unassuming.

  Jonathon quickly made the introductions and told Amy how much they’d enjoyed the evening. The two of them chatted for a few moments and Amy gleaned that it was Rosie’s first visit to a youth meeting.

  “Actually, Rosie, it was you I was rather hoping to talk to.” Amy looked at her kindly. Then she turned to Jonathon. “I’d appreciate if I could have a little one-on-one time with this lady. Is there anywhere quieter we could go?”

  “You could try one of the rooms upstairs,” Jonathon suggested. “Can’t think there’ll be anyone up there at the moment.”

  “Would that be okay with you, Rosie?” Amy asked.

  Without thinking, Rosie found herself nodding. Seconds later her brain went into overdrive. What on earth was she doing? And just what was this whole ‘one-on-one’ deal? Of all the dumb things she’d ever agreed to, this had to be the dumbest. She shot Jonathon a questioning glance. Surely he’d be joining them?

  But Jonathon shook his head gently. “I’ll stay here. You girls are probably best on your own.”

  Rosie felt shaky as she followed Amy up the steps. Everything in her wanted to turn and run. When they reached the chapel they went inside and found a seat. There was a moment’s awkward silence before Amy began. “I noticed you when I was speaking up at the front, Rosie. I knew I had to talk with you.” She hesitated for a second. “Dunno how long we’ve got up here before the guys downstairs wanna lock up, so guess I’ll just cut to the chase. I believe God spoke to me about you.”

  Rosie tensed up. Did she just say …? Okay, so why am I here and where’s the door?

  Amy leaned over and patted her arm. “Hey, don’t worry. It’s nothing to be scared of. Really.”

  Rosie wasn’t convinced. She made a mental note to thump Jonathon the minute she managed to extricate herself from Amy’s clutches.

  Amy continued. “Before I came over to the Youth House just now, I spent a few minutes praying back at the church. I believe God gave me a picture to share with you. Well, three pictures in fact.” She smiled gently. “Dunno if you’re familiar with that kinda thing, but sometimes God does speak through pictures. He seems to talk to me quite a lot that way.”

  Rosie bit her lip. Speaking through pictures? It was a concept she understood all too well; she and Molly had got it off to a fine art. Still, hearing that God did it too was something of a revelation.

  Leaning back in her chair, Amy looked at her directly. “Could I tell you about it?”

  Suddenly curious, Rosie tried to ignore the ripples of fear that were making her heart pound in her chest. For the second time in ten minutes, against all her finer judgement, she found herself nodding.

  Amy closed her eyes as she began. “First of all, I saw a big ol’ brick house with a long yard and a wall at the bottom. Standing on the sidewalk in front of that wall I saw a little girl. She was only a tiny little thing – and she was staring down the road as if she was looking for someone. I could see right down the road myself and there wasn’ a soul in sight. But this li’l girl, she just stood there looking. Looking down that ol’ road.” Amy’s eyes were sad as she spoke and she waited a moment before continuing. “Then the scene changed. I saw another house, this one smaller and darker somehow. I saw that same li’l girl standing in front of it, and she was holding some kinda bag in her hand. I only saw her there for the briefest time. Then the scene changed again. This time I found myself inside that second house. In a dimly lit room – I sensed we were somewhere upstairs – I could see that same child huddled over in a corner. She was sitting on the floor, all hunched up, holdin’ in her arms a little wooden box. She was hugging it to herself like it was some kinda teddy bear, and I guessed there must be something very precious inside of it. Then suddenly I saw a figure come into the room. The little girl’s face became real scared. I saw her trying to hug the box even closer to her. But the figure went over to the corner of the room and tore it from her grasp. The li’l girl just sat there staring down at her empty hands. Then the picture ended.” She stopped and opened her eyes. “Does this mean anything to you, Rosie?”

  Rosie sat perfectly still, too shocked to speak. For a few moments she allowed Amy’s words to sink in.

  The old brick house in Wicklow. The day her father had left and she’d stood crying out in the street. The day her mother had taken them to live with Mickey. That hated house with its hated rooms. Especially the one that had become her own.

  She closed her eyes as she remembered it. She could almost smell it, even now. Swallowing hard, she forced herself to picture the last scene. The day he’d first taken her box. The most precious thing she had. A wave of grief and remembered terror swept over her. As panic rose in her throat, she opened her eyes and tried to steady herself. Did this girl have any idea what she’d just said? It had been like listening to an audio guide of her childhood. She couldn’t look at Amy as she responded to the question. “Yes. Yes, it does.”

  Amy nodded gently, a look of tremendous compassion in her eyes. “Can I tell you about something, Rosie? It’s not a subject I talk about too much, but I really feel it’s right I share it with you. If you’re okay with that?”

  Somehow Rosie managed an affirmative response.

  Amy folded her hands and sat slowly back in her chair. “A few years ago there was a guy in my school who wanted to date me. He was a strange kinda guy. Good looking, but strange. Most people thought so. I didn’t wanna date him and I tried to tell him so, but he started to get kinda heavy – y’know, a little obsessed. He made me nervous. Well, one night I’m cutting through a park on my way home from a friend’s house when suddenly this guy comes up behind me, gets a hold of me and tells me he has a knife. He drags me over to some trees, pushes me to the ground and tries to rape me. Well, I kick and scream – I’m scared outta my mind by this time – and then he pulls the knife on me.” Her voice trailed off. Lifting her hands, she tucked her long blonde hair behind her ears.

  Rosie was shocked. Down the right side of Amy’s face, just in front of the ear, a deep, ugly scar ran from her hairline to her jaw and down into her neck.

  “Someone heard me scream and came running over with a dog. The guy slashed me as his parting shot before he bolted.” Amy gave a little laugh. “I used to have my hair short. Now I wear it like a veil.”

  Rosie didn’t say a word. Amy was so beautiful. It seemed obscene that anyone could do a thing like that.

  “I didn’t know the Lord back then,” Amy began again. “Actually, that ordeal was the thing that threw me onto him. I was in pretty bad shape after the attack. Nerve damage, intense trauma, flashbacks and nightmares. Deep down, I knew I could so easily have been killed. I couldn’t talk properly at first. I found it hard to go out. I heard later that they’d arrested the boy. He’d stolen a car and a handgun from an uncle’s house and was on his way to another state when they caught up with him. Turned out the poor guy really was crazy.” She shook her head sadly. “I thought my life was over. Felt like my whole world had fallen in on me, like
my future had died on me. I can’t describe the despair I went through, Rosie. I just couldn’t imagine ever being able to function normally again. Then one day a friend took me to a meeting a bit like the one we had tonight. That’s when I was introduced to Jesus … .” She stopped. Her blue eyes welled with tears. “I dunno what you’ve been through, Rosie. I guess your wounds are on the inside. But I know you’re hurting. I just know it.” She was quiet for a moment. “Y’know, sometimes life feels like we’ve tripped and tumbled down a rocky hillside. We hurt in so many places, we don’t know which bit to cry over. We lie there at the bottom, caked in dirt, all grazed and bloodied. We feel no better than last week’s trash. But the Father, he wants to scoop us up in his arms and hold us tightly to his chest. That’s what he’s always wanted – to pick us up and take us home. Clean us up and wash off all the filth. Pick the gravel out of our wounds. Oh, it might take a while, Rosie. When we’re hurting all over we cry and yell, just like little kids. But the Father doesn’t stop till the job is done. He loves us too much to leave us messed up. And he’s gentle. So gentle. D’you know, he sings over us as he works on us. How beautiful is that? There’s no safer place for us to be, Rosie. And when he’s finished, we can just fall asleep in his lap, all our cuts and grazes shiny pink. They’re clean now and the Father knows they’ll heal well.”

  For a few moments Rosie said nothing. Amy’s story had troubled her. She didn’t want to sound cruel but suddenly there was something she needed to understand. “What about your scar? Surely you can’t say that healed well?”

  Amy smiled a beautiful smile. “D’you know something, Rosie? If some guy came along now and offered me a perfect, flawless face in exchange for the peace that God has put in my heart, I wouldn’t give him the time of day. This face is only for a lifetime, honey. But God’s peace, that’s for ever. I’ve been able to forgive the boy who did it. I pray for him every time I look at myself in the mirror. I want him to know Jesus too. There’s only God could’ve done that in my heart, Rosie. Give him a chance. Let him help you. I dunno how he’ll do it, but I know he wants to. And he never messes up.” She picked up her Bible and flicked through it. “There’s a story in here about another lady that was hurting. Things had gotten a bit hot at home and she’d run away. One day, as she was alone in the desert, God found her and began to speak to her about her future. D’you know what she did? She gave him a name. El Roi – You are the God who sees me.” Amy stopped for a moment. “You see, Rosie, that was when it dawned on her. He’d seen everything. He knew exactly where she was at. He was just waiting to step into her situation. And all she could say was, ‘I have now seen the One who sees me’. He sees you, Rosie. He’s seen everything that ever happened to you. Even if no one else has.”

  For a moment their eyes met. Then something inside Rosie broke. The pain, the fear, all the loss and isolation of her past seemed to erupt through the top of her head like a long-imprisoned wailing breaking free. She began to sob uncontrollably, hardly caring that Amy was there. She wept for her parents, for Molly, for her own lost innocence. She wept for Beth and the death of a priceless friendship. She wept for Ciaran and for the sorrow that had driven such a wedge between them. She even wept for Jimmy and for Sam, and for all the dreams that had perished so cruelly in their youthful hearts. Somewhere deep inside her guts there was a pain that was beyond pain. A great, moaning, roaring wound that had to be wept over. And so she wept.

  As the tears coursed down her cheeks, she rocked backwards and forwards in her seat, gripping herself against the agony of it all. “Oh God,” she whispered in anguish, “I can’t do this on my own any more. It hurts too much. If there’s anything you can do with this miserable life, please… please take over.”

  The moment the stammering words left her lips, a flood of overwhelming love engulfed her. It was at once both powerful and gentle, surging through her being like waves of liquid fire. Never in her life had she experienced anything like it. She knew it was coming straight from the heart of God.

  She had no idea how long she was there. She vaguely recalled coming to her senses at some point to find Amy holding her hands and singing softly. Some time after that she knew she must have thanked Amy and said goodbye. She knew too that she must have travelled back to Oak Lodge with Jonathon. And she always said goodnight to Ed and Cassie before going up to bed, so she must have done that as well. But she had little recollection of any of those things. Her mind was filled with a consuming thought.

  He is the God who sees me. And he loves me.

  That night, as she lay in the darkness, she knew something had changed. For the first time in as long as she could remember, her mind was at peace. A thick, heavy peace that seemed to hang in the air around her; a peace that flooded her being with every breath. She pulled the covers around her face and sighed. But it was a sigh of the most wonderful contentment.

  He knows about everything, and now he’s coming to clean up all the mess.

  She listened to the silence. It seemed to her the most beautiful sound she had ever heard.

  Thank you, Lord, for seeing me. Thank you for loving me enough to come after me, even when I thought you didn’t care. I never realised you were there all along. Thank you for not giving up on me …

  Tears dribbled down her cheeks and into her hair. She knew there were many, many things he needed to sort out in her life. But now there was something else she knew too. From this night onward she belonged to God.

  As her eyes began to droop and much-needed sleep crept upon her, her mind went back to the little upper room in the Youth House. She knew she would never forget the beautiful American girl who had shared her scars with her.

  Chapter 30

  Rosie awoke the following morning to the sound of birdsong. As her mind slowly adjusted to the idea of being awake, memories of the previous evening came flooding back. Reaching for one of the curtains, she pulled it back slightly so that a shaft of sunlight streamed into the room. She found herself smiling at the brightness of it.

  Thank you, Lord, that you see me this morning. Thank you for everything.

  She pictured the crowd at the youth meeting the night before. God had singled her out. From everybody there, he’d singled her out to speak to. Her. Rosie Maconochie. She closed her eyes and hugged herself happily. She’d never realised God would take the time to do a thing like that. Even in those days when she’d conceded he might just exist, she’d always thought of him as remote and distant, too busy running the universe to intervene in the affairs of mere mortals. But here he was, reaching down out of heaven to speak to her. It was almost too wonderful to be true. And yet she knew it was true. Only God could have shown Amy the things she’d described the evening before. And only God could have given Rosie the joy she felt inside her this morning. Even here in this room – away from all the music and excitement of the previous night, away from the comforting presence of Amy – Rosie knew that God was as close to her as her own breath. She felt like a new person.

  An hour later she saw Cassie fixing her hair ready for the Sunday morning service. She hesitated. Would it seem pushy to ask if she could go too? To actually volunteer rather than waiting to be invited? It certainly wouldn’t be the coolest thing she’d ever done. For a moment the old Rosie stiffened at the thought of it. But today a new voice seemed to vie for her attention. A quieter, more gentle voice. Go on, it said. Don’t let pride stop you. You know that’s where you need to be.

  “Any chance I could come along, Cassie?” The words were out before she knew it.

  Cassie smiled gently. “Course you can, love. We’ll be setting off about ten fifteen.”

  Even Saint Edwin’s looked different today. Brighter somehow, sunnier. In a strange way, it felt like coming home. So much had happened since she’d last sat in this place. Could it really have been only half a day ago? She wanted to pinch herself to make sure.

  As they waited for the service to begin, Cassie turned to her. “Didn’t get chance to ask you last ni
ght, love – how did the youth thing go? Did you enjoy it?”

  The question was sincerely asked. But as Rosie looked into the gentle grey eyes, she sensed that Cassie already knew the answer. “Let’s just say I wouldn’t have missed it.”

  Cassie nodded knowingly and reached for her hand. “What a precious girl you are, Rosie,” she said softly. Rosie squeezed her fingers. She felt like crying.

  As the service got under way, Rosie was amazed to discover that today everything suddenly made sense. Instead of irritating her, the songs made her happy. And the prayers were no longer in a foreign language; they actually echoed the sentiments of her own heart. She even understood Tim’s sermon. She was almost disappointed when the whole thing came to an end. Later, across at the church hall for refreshments, she spotted Jonathon coming towards her. He looked mildly curious.

  She smiled sheepishly and shrugged her shoulders. “Okay, you win. He got me too.”

  Jonathon’s face creased into a frown. Then the meaning of her words sunk in. “Really? Oh wow, Rosie! That’s awesome!” For a moment he stood gazing at her, a look of incredulous joy on his face. Seized by impulse, he leaned over and quickly kissed her cheek. “I’d give you a big hug,” he grinned awkwardly, “but I’d probably slop coffee all over you.”

  Rosie felt herself reddening. Somehow she hadn’t been prepared for such an exuberant reaction. Now as her face grew warm, she could feel the tingle of Jonathon’s kiss on her skin.

  Jonathon leaned closer again. “I wanted to ask you about things last night but you weren’t very with it.”

  This reminder caused Rosie a twinge of embarrassment. She shrugged again and smiled. “I hardly remember you driving me home to be honest. I didn’t make a total idiot of myself, did I? It was all a bit mind-blowing, the thing with Amy. I didn’t know what’d hit me.”

  Jonathon looked at her intently. Today his eyes seemed bluer and more piercing than ever. “No, Rosie. You weren’t an idiot at all. Sometimes when God does business with us, it is mind-blowing. I’ve been there a few times myself, believe me. But I’d rather have my mind blown by God than anything else. He knows what he’s doing, and he knows exactly what we need.”