by Daya Daniels
“But Bear he’s really sensitive. When he cares he really cares. You’ll never have to question his loyalty or friendship.
“I’ve never seen him vulnerable up until…you.” Jacob looked at me. “Just be careful, sometimes he can get a little unhinged with his emotions and that’s never good.”
“Okay, thank you, Jacob.” I appreciated the advice. Gabriel could be intense sometimes.
“Lily, Gabriel might be two inches taller than me but he’s still my little brother. His happiness is important to me.”
We sat there for a moment in silence as I traced the rim of my tea cup staring off into the distance.
“Did you know that Gabriel’s special name for me is Asshole. I guess it’s because we argue nearly every day, always have.”
I laughed nearly spitting my tea out. “Jacob, I’m sorry for laughing but that is really horrible!” I said. “I guess Gabriel has a special name for each of us.”
Jacob eyed me suspiciously. “Really? What does he call you then?” he asked. I placed my cup down on the porch step.
“Akecheta,” I said.
“I’m not sure if I’m pronouncing it right but that’s what he calls me.”
Jacob nodded, wearing the widest smile staring at the steps below us. “Really. Do you know what that means, Lily?” Jacob asked raising an eyebrow.
I shook my head laughing. “No, actually, I don’t. I’ve been meaning to ask him.” Jacob continued to smile.
“It means fighter,” he said. “In Sioux language. It means fighter.”
Today had been exhausting but I couldn’t sleep. Gabriel’s soft breathing in the darkness told me he’d come back. I squirmed rubbing my thighs together, enjoying the sensation that the friction gave me. I rolled over and turned toward Gabriel pressing myself against his thigh softly, moving slowly.
I slipped a hand underneath my camisole, pushing it up and exposing my bare breasts, grazing my fingers over my hardened nipples. I hesitantly squeezed them firmly, caressing the soft skin. I rubbed myself against Gabriel’s thigh harder and let out a small noise I couldn’t help.
Gabriel stirred and I flinched moving off him. When I tried to move away, he firmly grabbed my hand placing it back on my breast, startling me when I realized he was actually awake. His erection brushed the top of my thigh with each grind I made against his leg. It was warm and hard, straining against the soft cotton of his boxer briefs.
Gabriel didn’t move an inch. His breathing was heavy and slow in the silent air. He kneaded my thigh firmly with his fingers that sank into my soft flesh. Gabriel cradled me against him with his other arm, so that I was flush against his warm body.
The feeling of his skin against mine melted me. My panties were already soaked and I was certain that Gabriel could feel the wetness against his bare leg. I brushed myself against him while he remained quiet, allowing me to rub my wet flesh against his hot leg like a cat in heat. I was desperate for relief from the prison I was living in that was my own body. My breathing was erratic and sweat slicked my skin. I couldn’t close my mouth, feeling my insides warm and my pussy throb from the affection.
Gabriel remained quiet while I lost myself. He just continued to run his hands through my hair and gripped my thigh, pulling me against him with every grind I made against his leg. The control and purpose in his hold caused the pleasure I was already feeling to skyrocket. I touched his cock and Gabriel jumped, suppressing a moan, but he didn’t move. I ran my hand over the length of it. It was big and hard and hot under my hand. Still, he didn’t move. Something inside me made me want it, made me wonder how it would feel inside of me. I was already wet, soaking wet. I did want it but I just couldn’t. Sex was dangerous now. A painful reminder of being powerless and weak.
But if that was rationale speaking, then why was I moaning and groaning in pleasure? I was with a man that would never hurt me. This felt good. I touched Gabriel’s cock again, letting my fingers rake down to his balls. Still, he didn’t move. He remained nearly frozen, next to me breathing heavily. When I touched his cock again, Gabriel flinched, making a strange noise. I grinded my hips harder into his thigh, soaking the skin there with my wet pussy that had heavily saturated the soft cotton of my panties. It slicked his leg like a fucking invitation. I was desperate for it, horny, confused and everything in between. I frantically pulled my panties to the side and slid my bare pussy along his warm skin in my own wetness, panting helplessly, choking on my own moans. The skin to skin contact only made it more pleasurable. I moved against Gabriel hard, planting one hand on his carved abs.
An embarrassing sound left my throat when I moved slower against him, enjoying the friction. Fuck, I was pathetic. Tears streamed down my cheeks when I repeated the three words in my head again. I.Was. Pathetic. But I couldn’t stop...
I wanted to come. I needed to come. This was the most pleasure I’d felt in months. I couldn’t even bring myself to orgasm on my own anymore. Gabriel’s body was warm and hard and something about him just lying next to me felt comforting. My nipples brushed against his chest and the feeling of his hands gripping my thighs made me crazy with need. He let go and then ran his fingers through my hair, blinking slowly as he looked at me in the darkness.
“Don’t cry, Lily,” he whispered, when he observed my tears with knotted eyebrows.
I caught the moonlight when it bounced off the whites of his eyes and his brown irises. Gabriel was gorgeous. It felt like he was looking into me, discovering all of my secrets and prying them out of me while I was powerless to stop it. I was grinding my pussy against his leg hard, whimpering as each strong sensation shot through my body, causing me to tense and my thighs to quiver.
I ran my hand over his hardness curiously, feeling the wet patch on the front of Gabriel’s boxer briefs. When I brushed over it again, the huge appendage twitched and his breathing deepened, but he remained there, completely still next to me. He was allowing me to use him, without needing anything in return. A strangled cry left my throat as I panted, rocking my body against the powerful muscles in his thigh.
I came hard, digging into the skin at his waist with my fingers, while he held the nape of my neck with his big hand, gazing into my half-shut, tear-filled eyes as my face contorted in shameful ecstasy, right in front of him.
I moaned and whimpered, not caring that I wasn’t alone. What was this perverted, twisted version of sex? I was so fucking fucked up!
After the waves subsided, I collapsed on Gabriel’s chest while all the tension left my body and broke down sobbing, not entirely even sure why.
“It’s okay, Lily. It’s okay to still want it,” he said quietly, raking his fingers through my hair.
He pulled my shirt back down and snuggled me closer to him. I drifted off to sleep, feeling the tears pool between my face and the warm skin on Gabriel’s chest.
“Lily, wake up! You’re having a nightmare. Wake the fuck up, Lily!” Gabriel shook me vigorously, forcing me to open my eyes. He sat up in bed turning the lamp on. “Fuck!” he shouted. “Fuck, Lily.”
I was disoriented and covered in sweat. I felt like I was suffocating and I could have sworn that my heart was about to stop. I tried to focus on where I was and then I remembered when I saw Gabriel’s face. When the tears cleared from my eyes, I saw red flowing from Gabriel’s nose while he held his face.
“Lily, shit! You punched me in the face! What the fuck!”
Gabriel stood and walked to the bathroom, turning on the water. He came back into the bedroom with a washcloth held to his face and holding a glass of water which he passed to me.
“I’m sorry, Gabriel,” I said, horrified at what I’d done.
He sat back down on the bed. “Lily, I’ve been trying to wake you up. It was difficult to get you to wake up,” he said sounding exhausted. “These nightmares are going to haunt you until you talk, Lily. Please talk to me.”
I started crying harder, barely able to catch my breath. I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to forget. That wa
s all I wanted to do.
“Gabriel, I can’t,” I rasped out.
He pulled me against his chest, his hand cupping my cheek and we simply sat there for a long while.
“I wish I’d been there to protect you, Lily. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you,” he said, shutting off the light and pulling me into his arms.
Gabriel was lying next to me in the morning with two blood-soaked tampons sticking out of each of his nostrils. I hopped out of bed quietly and went into the kitchen to make breakfast. An all-American meal of eggs, bacon, and rye toast. I put a pot of coffee on. I wanted to put out of my head that I’d orgasmed against Gabriel’s leg and then, less than a few hours later, had punched him in the face. He followed me to the kitchen, bare-chested, wearing only a pair of pants.
“Please let’s just eat in bed this morning, Lily. I’m exhausted,” Gabriel said looking drained.
We took one tray back to bed with a pot of coffee and with some pastries on it. Gabriel closed the blinds, shutting the light out and lit a vanilla-scented candle. Clearly, another one of Abigail’s touches left in the cottage. Gabriel then walked over to the fireplace and clicked the 4K TV on that sat above it. He jumped back into bed with the remote control. He then poured himself a cup of coffee and sat back against the fluffy pillows with it flicking through the assorted channels. This was a Gabriel I was unfamiliar with.
“Are you okay, Lily?” he asked running a hand through my hair. I leaned into his touch. Maybe a day in bed wasn’t a bad idea. Burying Sable the day before had depleted us both and Rocco didn’t look any better either.
“Gabriel, I’m really sorry about last night,” I said while Gabriel buttered his croissant, ignoring my comment.
“Lily, please stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong,” he said firmly. “Well, except for punching me in the face.” Gabriel laughed. “I’ve been hit harder, believe me, but that was a pretty good punch for the size of you.” He chuckled.
I cringed feeling embarrassed, shoving the pastry in my mouth.
After finishing breakfast, we watched television for a little while not saying much to each other at all.
“Shower?” Gabriel asked.
Together or separate?
“Together, Lily, I mean. Or we can take a bath if you want. That might actually be more relaxing,” Gabriel suggested with a smile.
Gabriel made his way into the bathroom running the bath water and the scent of sandalwood started to waft out into the bedroom while the bathtub filled up. Gabriel came back into the bedroom and pulled me off the bed gently by the arm into the bathroom when I whined like a baby. I’d been naked around Gabriel before but I’d never seen him fully undressed. I had to admit I was curious about what he looked like completely naked, which I knew would be no disappointment.
He spun me around to look in the mirror and undid my long hair, letting it fall down over my shoulders. He then pulled off my shirt, uncovering my breasts. I slipped gingerly out of my panties, leaving them on the floor. Gabriel stood behind me, shoving his pajama pants down. His boxer briefs followed while he kept his gaze on my reflection in the mirror. His chest grazed my back when he came closer, looming over my right shoulder. My breathing hitched when he skimmed the shell of my ear with his lips and smiled, nuzzling his nose into my hair. There was so much heat coming from his body that it warmed my naked skin.
“Lily, look,” Gabriel said in his deep voice, demanding my attention. “I want you to see me.”
I allowed my curious eyes to take in his chiseled body while he looked at me intensely. He was completely naked and fully erect. He was fucking beautiful. The old Lily would have wanted to hump him to Kingdom Come but the new Lily just couldn’t. He leaned over my shoulder again, running his hands through my hair, down my neck and across my collarbone. I was immediately covered in goose bumps from his magical touch.
“Ignore that. I’m sorry,” he said glancing down at his hard cock, right before he scooped me up in his strong arms, forcing a squeal from my mouth.
He stepped over the side of the bathtub and inched down slowly in the warm water, setting me in his lap. I rested my head on his hard shoulder for a long moment, just breathing. I cared about this man, more than I knew how to handle but I couldn’t make sense of what any of the feelings meant. He kept me safe. He took care of me. I didn’t remember a time in my life feeling this cherished, except for when my mother was alive. I’d been fighting most of my life and I was tired. With Gabriel, I didn’t have to fight anymore. He was home.
I placed a soft kiss to his skin and listened to Gabriel groan and the slow trickle of water when he ran a cloth over my skin. He held a bar of soap in his hands which he smoothed over my skin, massaging it in. I snuggled into his neck, reveling in the feeling of his cock brushing the inside of my thigh.
“Gabriel, Winnie is with foal,” I told him, looking up into his brown eyes.
Gabriel smiled. “That’s good. That’s really, really good news,” he said softly.
Gabriel massaged my shoulders, increasing the pressure as he moved along to my neck. “Beautiful,” he said.
I looked down at his bare chest then he tipped my face up with his fingers. “Lily, what are your dreams about?”
I took a deep breath before speaking. “You really want to know?”
“Yes, of course.”
“There are different ones but then I have one that’s the dream all the time.”
He gave me a puzzled look. “Go on.”
“It’s like my whole life jumbled into one nightmare.”
“Tell me about it,” he encouraged.
“There are hands grabbing me, pulling me away from my parents as they board the airplane in front of them. It’s a bright sunny day. The sky is clear. They look so happy laughing together.
“I’m screaming their names, telling them not to go but they can’t hear me because a hand is covering my mouth. It smells like cigarettes and sweat. I’m scratching at the strong hand with my fingers but it won’t budge.
“I begin to suffocate and then I slip into a deep ocean. I can hear water splashing. I can feel the coolness of it as it washes over my skin. I’m looking down into the clear blue deep water below me.
“I see my parents floating to the bottom of it. I can only see the brown hair on the top of my father’s head. He is missing one of his boat shoes. He is still but he is holding my mother’s hand as he descends deeper down into the water.
“My mother has flowers around her neck. Her pink sundress is floating around her ethereally. She looks like an angel. She’s reaching for me, asking for me to save her but I can’t because I’m drowning myself. I can’t reach her. I’m begging for her not to leave me.
“Then I wake up in a sweat realizing it’s a dream, but I don’t realize I’m still fucking dreaming.
“I’m in a small bed that’s soiled and dirty in the center of a large room. I smell horrible. I’m naked and the sheets that cover me are red with blood and sand. There are faceless men surrounding me drinking champagne, hundreds of them.
“They’re shouting at me, pulling at me and calling me names. Whore, slut, prostitute. Over and over, they call me whore, slut, prostitute. I try to run but my legs don’t work. They’re both broken.
“So, I lie on the ground and cry as they continue to shout at me. I squeeze my eyes shut and stick my fingers in my ears to block out the noise but it’s too loud.
“A woman slaps me in the face. I feel the hot sting of it across my skin. When I open my eyes, she slaps me again. I can’t see her face, it’s blurry. I can only hear her raspy voice. She tells me I’m trash and that’s why no one wants me.
“They dump garbage over my head until it piles high and I can’t crawl out from it. I start to sink again in the heap of putrid trash. I can’t breathe.
“I’m dying. I want to die.
“I hear my mother’s soft voice telling me that she’s here and she’s watching me.
“I calm for a moment, acce
pting my fate that I’m dying.
“‘It’s going to be okay, Lily. I’m here,’ she said. I beg her not to leave me again. I tell her I want to go with her and she tells me I can’t. I start to scream and beg for her not to let me go.
“She smiles at me and tears my fingers from her hand gently. I’m holding on with all my might but still she lets go somehow and floats away again. Then I wake up in tears.”
“Fuck, Lily,” he said taking a deep breath and pulling me closer to him.
I buried my face in his shoulder and cried. “It’s always the same dream.”
I’d never talked about it since meeting Gabriel. The dream replayed in my sleep night after night, less when he slept next to me.
“I want to tell you what happened to me, Gabriel, but not today. Maybe tomorrow,” I said sniffling.
“Okay. When you’re ready. Only when you’re ready. Please consider going to see Dr. Lin. I think she might be able to help you, Lily,” he said, caressing my back. “Don’t let your pride allow you to suffer.”
I only sighed in response.
It had been months since I’d talked about it but I thought about it nearly every single day. I ruminated for days and I knew I needed to tell Gabriel the specifics of what I could recall.
I walked out into the dimly lit den and Gabriel was sitting on the edge of his desk with a knee propped up on the side, flipping through some paperwork. The fireplace was lit. The embers made loud snapping sounds as they burned.
Gabriel was wearing a pair of pajama pants and white socks, with only a white tee covering his chest. His hair hung loosely over his forehead as he read the papers in front of him. I sat down in the leather chair in front of the desk looking up at him. He followed my every movement, without saying a word. I sat for a long moment studying my hands. Gabriel just stared at me silently.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to talk about this, Gabriel, but whenever I do and whenever I want to try, I just can’t.”