Across a Summer Sea

by Lyn Andrews

  ‘Oh, Richard! Richard! I love you! I love you so much!’ she had sobbed into the pillow.

  The hours had slipped by as she struggled to come to terms with it all. The worst thing that she had to face now was telling the children they must leave all this when she already had the heart-rending memory of Lizzie’s behaviour that morning burned in her memory.

  At last she had come to her decision. She had to go back. She got up and washed her face in the bowl on the washstand. Splashing the cold water onto her eyes might help the swelling. Then she changed her dress. She would have to face them all sometime.

  ‘Will you have something to eat?’ Mrs Moran asked, full of sympathy, when Mary appeared. At least she was calm. Lizzie had been inconsolable. Bridie had had to drag her back to the kitchen and just after that he had stormed in, informed them he was going out, then slammed the door behind him. They’d heard him ride out of the yard and watched through the window as he’d galloped across the fields, putting the horse to every fence and ditch as he went.

  ‘No, thank you, I couldn’t eat a thing. Where’s Lizzie?’

  ‘She’s with Bridie and isn’t the poor little mite destroyed altogether. I didn’t think she understood but she did and Bridie said—’

  ‘What did Bridie say?’ Mary interrupted.

  ‘She said she had to drag her off Himself and . . . and you . . .’

  ‘She saw us,’ Mary said flatly, not caring now if they knew.

  ‘She did. Oh, Mary, I’m so sorry but it could never be.’

  ‘I know. Oh, I know, but . . .’

  The older woman came and put her arms around her and the gesture opened the floodgates again.

  ‘You love him, don’t you?’

  ‘More than I ever loved anyone, including Frank.’

  ‘And knowing him, he loves you, but . . .’

  ‘Oh, please, it’s so hard!’ Mary wept.

  ‘We’ve all grown fond of you, Mary. We’re all desperately upset that this has happened and when I look at the little one, it breaks my heart. She’ll miss him so, Mary.’

  ‘We all will, Mrs Moran. We’ll miss all of you!’

  ‘Ah, Mary, can’t you call me Julia?’

  Mary managed to smile through her tears. ‘It doesn’t seem respectful.’

  ‘Ah, to hell with respect! You’ve shown me more of that than anyone else ever did and if I’d had a daughter I would have wished her to be just like you, Mary. You’re a good girl. A good mother and a good wife and I hope he appreciates what you’ve all given up for him.’

  ‘I doubt it but I have to go.’

  ‘When will you tell the other two? They’ll be home soon.’

  Mary made a huge effort to pull herself together. ‘As soon as possible. It’s best they try to get used to it. I’ll write to Nellie tonight.’

  ‘And when will you tell Himself?’

  Mary was stricken. She couldn’t face him. She might lose control of herself if he once again begged her to stay. If he touched her, she knew all her strength would desert her.

  ‘I can’t face him, Julia! I can’t! Will you tell him, please?’ she begged.

  ‘I will so. It’s better that way, for both of you. Now, let’s have some tea. We’re both in need of it.’

  Both children were devastated.

  ‘Why, Mam? I don’t want to go back! I want to stay here!’ Tommy shouted, trying to keep the tears from his eyes.

  ‘I’ve told you, luv. Your da’s very bad. He won’t ever be able to walk again and he has no one to look after him.’

  ‘But he didn’t want us, Mam! He told us to go. How will Sonny manage without me?’ the lad demanded.

  ‘He managed before, Tommy.’

  ‘I hate Da! And Lizzie hates him too, Mam!’ Katie wailed, tears streaming down her cheeks. She loved it here, especially school. Miss Collins was the best teacher she’d ever had and she had friends, even though she never saw them out of school, except at Mass on Sundays. She had nice clothes too and plenty to eat, and this lovely big house to live in and Mrs Moran and Bridie to spoil her. She didn’t want to go back to St Anthony’s School and Millie Price always having more of everything. And if Da couldn’t walk he’d always be in a bad temper and there would be rows and shouting and she hated that.

  ‘Oh, Katie, that’s a terrible thing to say! Ask God to forgive you this instant!’ Mary exclaimed, shaken by the force of her normally quiet and placid daughter’s reaction.

  ‘I won’t! It’s God’s fault this has happened to Da!’

  ‘Stop that this minute, Katie McGann! I won’t have it!’

  ‘Ah, she doesn’t mean it, Mary. She’s upset,’ Mrs Moran interrupted.

  Katie gave a choking little cry and rushed from the room.

  ‘She’s right, Mam, and what about Lizzie? You know our Lizzie loves it here and she loves Mr O’Neill too!’ Tommy cried, desperate to find something that might make his mother change her mind.

  ‘Tommy, stop it! Don’t you think I know she’s broken-hearted to be leaving Richard? She already knows. She . . . knew this morning.’ In her distraction she unconsciously called him by his Christian name alone.

  The lad looked at her. ‘You like him too, Mam, don’t you?’

  With horror Mary realised what she’d said.

  ‘Of course she does. They get along famously and he’s very upset that she’s going, that you’re all going,’ Julia Moran interjected quickly. ‘Now, you’d better go and help Sonny,’ she instructed.

  ‘Thank you, Julia. I . . . forgot. I didn’t realise,’ Mary said quietly.

  Tommy stared hard at them both before he turned away. Something very strange was going on. Mam had called Mr O’Neill ‘Richard’ and Mrs Moran ‘Julia’ and that had never happened before.

  Lizzie was very subdued when she returned to the house with Bridie. She refused either to eat or to have anything to do with Mary, which twisted the knife in Mary’s heart. She went constantly to the window, even after the daylight had faded and darkness had fallen, looking for Richard O’Neill’s return. He ‘talked’ to her the way no one else could and he’d taught her so much, shown her so much. How could she leave him? And Bridie too. Mam was taking her away, back to Liverpool where everyone ignored her. She didn’t understand why they had to go. Her da was the worst for ignoring her and she could see no happiness ahead of her.

  ‘Oh, Julia, what am I going to do with her if she carries on like this?’ Mary fretted after Bridie had finally got the child to bed.

  ‘She’ll get over it, Mary, in time.’

  ‘She blames me. I can’t bear to see the way she looks at me.’

  ‘It’s a terrible wrench for her, but she’s very young, she will get over it, Mary.’

  ‘Oh, I hope you’re right.’

  ‘I am. Now, you’d better write that letter. I’m going to leave a cold supper in the dining room for him and no matter how late it is when he gets back, I promise I’ll see him and tell him. You have an early night, you must be worn out, child.’

  Mary nodded. She was exhausted but she knew she would get little sleep tonight or in the hundreds of lonely, miserable nights that lay ahead of her.

  Chapter Nineteen

  SHE LEFT BALLYCOWAN FIVE days later and they had been nightmare days. The children were all miserable, surly and disobedient. In the long nights when sleep eluded her she heard both Katie’s and Lizzie’s muffled sobs. Bridie too was red-eyed and sniffed constantly until Julia, whose own nerves were stretched, shouted that if she couldn’t stop her damned whining then she could get out from her sight and the girl had fled in floods of tears. The outburst had startled and saddened Mary but it was nothing compared to the torture she endured every time she heard his voice or saw him riding out of the yard.

  With Julia Moran’s help she had written him a letter, begging to be excused her duties of serving and clearing meals, asking that the cook should undertake these tasks. It was something Julia herself had suggested knowing Mary’s state of
mind. The note also informed him of the day of her departure. She had finished by saying that he must know how miserable she was to be leaving, that the children were heart-broken but that none of them would ever forget him. She had signed it, ‘With love, Mary.’

  ‘Do you think that’s wise?’ Julia had asked gently.

  ‘It’s all I can say! I do love him, I always will, you know that!’

  The older woman had nodded sadly, taken it and placed it on his desk.

  ‘Will there be a reply?’ she’d asked that night after supper, knowing by his expression and the plate of half-eaten food that he’d read it.

  ‘No. There is nothing I can say to change her mind, is there?’

  She’d hesitated and then she had placed a hand on his shoulder. She’d never seen him look so totally miserable in all the years she’d known him, and they were many.

  ‘You know there can be no future for you and Mary, Richard. She is tied to him and then . . . then there’s Herself.’

  ‘I wish to God there wasn’t! Why the hell didn’t my father put a stop to that the way he did everything else?’ he cried vehemently, slamming his fist down on the table.

  ‘He couldn’t, you were of age and you insisted! The Lord alone knows he tried! Will you . . . will you say goodbye to her?’

  He shook his head. ‘I can’t!’

  ‘No more can she to you. Ah, well, time is a great healer but we’ll miss them all.’

  ‘I’ll be away for the day - the whole day.’

  ‘No one can blame you for that, it will be a hard day to get through,’ she’d answered sadly.

  It seemed to make it far worse that the sun was shining and everything looked so beautiful, Mary thought the morning Sonny brought the trap around to the front door for the last time. She’d heard Richard ride away and knew that she would never see him again but there had been little enough time to dwell on it. That would come later. Tommy had silently helped Sonny to load their bags and had been promised he could take the reins all the way to the station, the furthest he’d ever been allowed to drive.

  ‘I’ll never get to drive anything ever again. No one I know back there owns anything to drive!’ he muttered rebelliously.

  ‘But at least you’re able to do it. It will help when you’re a grown feller,’ Sonny tried to console him.

  Katie was sniffing loudly and Lizzie had buried her head in Bridie’s skirt. The girl looked helplessly at Julia Moran.

  ‘What’s I’se to do?’ she asked.

  ‘Lift her up into the trap, Bridie. She’ll go for you.’

  ‘But not me!’ Mary whispered to herself as Bridie deposited the little girl beside her sister on the narrow seat.

  Katie put her arm around Lizzie and Tommy blinked hard, fighting back tears himself, although he’d promised Sonny he’d ‘act like a big feller’.

  Mary pulled herself together. ‘They’ll all be fine once we’re on the ship.’

  ‘They will so. It’s a good decision to go straight to the docks and not go calling on your aunt. She’ll understand,’ Julia Moran said firmly.

  ‘Goodbye, Julia! I’ll never forget you - any of you!’ As she hugged the older woman Mary was fighting hard to keep the tears at bay.

  ‘God bless you, Mary! You’re the best thing that ever happened to us and I bless the day you came here and always will - despite everything!’ Julia choked. ‘Now, get off with you or you’ll miss that train.’

  Try though she might Mary couldn’t help looking back as Tommy drove the trap onto the towpath and towards the bridge. The walls of the castle rose high into the clear blue sky, its windows sparkling in the sunlight. The branches of the trees rustled in the light breeze and the air was filled with birdsong. The lush green meadows were dotted with cattle and in the distance she caught a glimpse of the Tullamore River as it meandered through the fields. Oh, how could she leave it all? It was so beautiful. It was where her heart would always remain for she knew that from somewhere, somewhere out in that dear, tranquil, verdant countryside, he was watching her go.

  The journey was long, tiring and depressing. The children slept fitfully for some of the time but although Mary was emotionally and physically exhausted sleep wouldn’t come. It was a calm crossing compared to their outward journey but there were times when she wished that the ferry would disappear beneath the waves, taking them all with it and ending their misery. She tried so hard not to think of everything she’d left behind and of what faced her when they finally docked. She even tried to make some plans. There would be so much to do but she had no heart for it, nor was she looking forward to seeing either her old home or Frank. How could she not hate him? How could she cope with the life that now awaited her?

  She was so thankful to see Nellie and Maggie waiting for her on the Landing Stage when the ferry docked and she struggled down the gangway carrying Lizzie and one of the bags.

  ‘Mary, luv, you look wore out! Here, give me that bag!’ Nellie demanded, looking concerned. Mary’s letter had upset her deeply. The girl obviously hadn’t wanted to come back and she for one didn’t blame her.

  ‘Thanks, Nellie. I’ve hardly slept and Lizzie’s at the end of her strength, poor little mite. She doesn’t understand this at all.’

  ‘Haven’t you all grown!’ Maggie said cheerfully, trying to lighten the mood. Both Tommy and Katie looked as tired and miserable as their sister.

  ‘It’s all that good food and fresh air, Maggie. Come on now, let’s get out of this crush. We’ll get the tram home. Won’t that be a treat?’ Nellie smiled encouragingly.

  Both women kept up a steady chatter all the way and as she looked out at the familiar streets and buildings Mary began to feel a little better. At least she could count on her neighbours.

  ‘You’re all coming home with me for a cup of tea and something to eat, first,’ Nellie announced firmly as they got off the tram on Scotland Road.

  ‘He’s still in the Royal Infirmary so you’ve time to settle back in, like,’ Maggie said. ‘I’ve done a bit of tidying up but I have to say the place is not like it was when you were there, girl.’

  Mary managed a smile. ‘Thanks, Maggie. Well, hard work is what I’m used to - always have been.’

  Her spirits continued to rise as they walked down Newsham Street and women called out greetings from their doorsteps.

  ‘I just hope Queenie’s got the kettle on, like I told her to have,’ Nellie said as she pushed open her front door.

  ‘She’s ’ere! She’s ’ere, Queenie!’ Bella shouted from the parlour where she’d been keeping watch. ‘Welcome ’ome, Mary, luv!’ she beamed, hugging a bemused Mary.

  ‘Is this a reception committee?’ Mary asked as she walked into the tiny kitchen and saw Queenie, Eileen Quinn and Hetty Price all waiting for her.

  ‘It is indeed. Welcome ’ome, luv!’ Queenie beamed.

  ‘We’ve all missed yer,’ Eileen added.

  ‘It’s just such a pity that it’s under such terrible circumstances, ’ Hetty added sympathetically.

  ‘Trust her to put the mockers on it!’ Nellie muttered, glaring at Hetty who had a knack of putting her foot in everything, in Nellie’s opinion.

  ‘Would yer look at the size of ’em all!’ Bella cried, giving each of the children a hug.

  Mary looked around the crowded kitchen and suddenly felt ashamed. How good they were. Even though they had so little there was ham and bread and even slices of currant cake on the table.

  ‘Oh, look at all this! You’re so good! We couldn’t have had a better welcome.’

  ‘You deserve it, Mary. It can’t be easy coming back here after what you’ve been used to,’ Hetty said.

  ‘For God’s sake, Hetty, are yer determined ter turn this inter a flamin’ wake?’ Bella cried.

  ‘It’s all right. I know what she means and it isn’t going to be easy, Hetty, but I’ve made my decision and I’ll stick by it, come what may. Now, let’s all have a cup of tea. I know the kids must be starving.’ Mary smil
ed bravely and sat down at the table.

  An hour later when they’d all gone and she’d helped Nellie and Maggie to clear up Mary knew she could no longer put off going back to the house she’d once called home. The children had reluctantly gone back with Hetty who had promised them a little surprise each, a sort of coming home gift.

  ‘Oh, it’s nothing much really, Mary. Just a few sweets and some coloured chalks for Katie and Lizzie and a bit of a catapult for Tommy. Our Georgie’s got one and I’d hate the lad to feel left out,’ she’d whispered.

  ‘It’s very good of you, Hetty. It’s going to be hard for them, settling in again,’ Mary had replied but thinking that a catapult was the most disastrous thing Hetty could ever have bought for both Tommy and Georgie. She dreaded to think of the damage they could do.

  ‘Well, luv, you’re going to have to face it,’ Maggie said.

  ‘I know. Come on, let’s get it over with.’

  ‘If you need any help, luv, you know where to come,’ Nellie reminded her.

  Mary nodded her thanks and followed Maggie back to their house.

  It was worse than she had expected, she thought, her heart sinking as she looked around the kitchen. It was so small and dingy and everything looked dull and dirty. In some ways it reminded her of the way Ballycowan had been on the day she’d first seen it.

  ‘Oh, Maggie, I wish . . .’

  ‘I know, luv, and I wish you had never had to come back to this. It all sounded so great over there. Nellie used to read your letters to us all. No one else is much good at reading, you know that. And you sounded so happy. Really happy.’