Miss Match: a Lauren Holbrook novel

by Erynn Mangum

  “Thanks. What’s going on?”

  “Maybe an alien invasion they can fight against? Or a family of ducks they can teach how to fly?” I scoot onto the desk.

  “Nick and Ruby,” Hannah explains to Brandon. “We’re trying to come up with ways they can get acquainted on a deeper level.”

  “A deeper level?” Brandon rubs his cheek. “Hey! They could dig to China and save the fortune-cookie industry.”

  “Good-bye, Brandon,” I say.

  “Travel to the tropical rain forest and plant banana trees.”

  “Leave, Brandon.”

  Hannah’s smile is ear to ear as she laughs. Fuel to the fire as far as Brandon is concerned.

  “Raise poodles and travel around the world doing dog shows together. Toss grapes to seals in an Australian zoo.”

  “Seals don’t eat grapes,” I interrupt.

  “Bake biscuits and hand them out to the orphans as they backpack across Russia.”

  “Brandon!”

  It is too late. He is rolling; Hannah’s on the floor with laughter.

  “Create a reality TV show about life as a doorbell installer.”

  I cover my face.

  “Drown tadpoles as they institute a free community for flies of every color.”

  Hannah snorts she laughs so hard. Brandon grins broadly. I heroically try not to smile.

  “Save the pinky fingers! Find a cure for the fear of marshmallows! Bring back the mullet!”

  “Enough!” I screech, my sides heaving with mirth.

  Brandon laughs. “Or, they could just go to a movie, get popcorn, and head to Vizzini’s afterward.”

  “Go to your office!” I command, wiping tears from my face.

  “Fine.” He fakes a pout, winks, and goes down the hall.

  Hannah pushes herself off the floor. “Oh boy. Mascara is running down my face, I’m sure.” She swipes at her cheeks.

  “You two are a pair.” I pause. “What should we really do, Hannah?”

  She opens one of the desk drawers and pulls out a small compact. “How about a blind date?”

  “What are you talking about? They already know each other.”

  She wipes the mascara off her cheeks with a tissue. “Not Nick and Ruby. Split them up. Help them realize they’re meant for each other, or whatever you said this morning.”

  I hold up a hand. “That would be skipping the first step, you know.”

  “We could just swap those two.”

  I nod. “Okay. Deal. Who are we setting Nick up with?”

  “I’ll go. Set me up with him.” There is a strange mixture of sheer evil and plain delight gleaming in her eyes.

  My brain denounces the plan.

  My mouth, sadly, is faster. It’s a problem I’m working on.

  “Okay,” my mouth says.

  No! my brain screams.

  “Good.” She is rubbing her hands together like Scrooge contemplating the loss of Tiny Tim’s supper. “Set it up for Wednesday before Bible study. Then they’ll see each other that night and realize the truth.”

  I’m wary. “What are you going to do to him, Hannah?”

  She smiles wickedly. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

  “Yes, actually, I would.”

  “Who are we sending with Ruby?” She employs the ask-another-question technique.

  I let her get away with it. “There’s a scarcity of good men in this town.”

  “Trust me. I’ve noticed.”

  “Gee, thanks.” Brandon comes down the hall.

  “You’re welcome,” I tell him.

  “Hannah, I need the last few bank deposit slips we’ve made. What are you guys talking about?”

  “Who we can set Ruby up with,” I say casually, tossing my hair over my shoulder. It’s actually fixed today, so this makes a nice effect.

  Brandon frowns. “I thought we were setting her up with Nick.”

  “Not anymore. We decided Ruby wasn’t pastor’s wife material. She’s too . . . prompt.” Hannah waves her hand. “So we’re back on the hunt.”

  “But . . . you . . . wait,” Brandon stutters.

  I blink innocently. “Yes, Brandon, dear?”

  “I don’t think this is such a good idea, girls.”

  “Why?” Hannah asks, just as innocent.

  “Why?” Brandon parrots, incredulous. “Because they’re perfect together! Nick’s crazy; Ruby’s steady. Nick’s late everywhere he goes; Ruby’s always on time. Nick’s a great teacher; Ruby’s a great listener. What is the matter with you two?”

  I look at Hannah. “Sounds like a lot of confrontation.”

  “Absolutely. Bad for marriages.”

  “What?!”

  “And,” I continue to Hannah, calmly ignoring Brandon, “their kids would be screwy with all that opposite attraction stuff going on.”

  She nods. “I agree. They’ll end up with total lunatics for children.”

  I rub my chin. “I’m thinking Ruby needs someone more intellectual.”

  “Right. Scientific, thoughtful, calculated.”

  “On time,” I add.

  “You two are nuts!” Brandon shrieks. “A guy like that would bore Ruby to tears!”

  “Maybe a calculus major,” Hannah muses.

  Brandon throws his hands in the air. “Fine, you know what? Fine. I give up. You two want to ruin two people’s lives, it’s on your heads.”

  He stalks down the hall and slams his office door.

  Hannah collapses into giggles. “Oh, Laurie. That was cruel.”

  “Yes. But he deserves it. Can I have a Milky Way?”

  “Sure.” She digs into the drawer and pulls out two. Hands me one. “Okay, so, really. Who can we use for Ruby?”

  “Needs to be someone we know and trust.” I unwrap the candy bar. “The point isn’t to woo Ruby away from Nick.” I rip off the wrapper completely and take a caramel-filled bite. It’s a scientific fact that massive amounts of chocolate stimulate brain waves.

  I’m pretty sure it’s a fact, anyway.

  I chew for a minute, thinking about the guys in the study. A few of them would work perfectly at making Ruby run to Nick, but they’d probably get hurt in the process.

  Hannah chews thoughtfully for a minute. “Did you ever see How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days?”

  “Yes, see? That’s exactly what we need. Someone to completely destroy her faith in any male other than Nick.”

  Dr. America’s face fills my brain. Hmm. “Hey, Hannah? What about Stephen?”

  Hannah’s mouth drops. “Are you insane, Laur? Stephen’s gorgeous. We’re going for someone pathetic, right?”

  “Not necessarily. Stephen could play it up, I think.” The more I consider this, the more excited I get. “Hannah, this will be great.” I grin. “Stephen can be trusted, and I think he’ll have a blast. He acted in high school. Plus, his conscience will be soothed because he’ll know it will make Nick happy, and he and Nick are good friends.”

  Hannah bites, chews, and then waves her hands excitedly. “This will be hilarious!”

  I finish the candy bar and then decide. “Excellent,” I tell her. “Wednesday night, then. Hand me the phone.”

  I call Stephen first.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Stephen. It’s Laurie.”

  I hear a smile in his voice. “Hey, Laurie. How’s it going?”

  “Good. Very good. I have a proposal for you, and you’re free to say no, but it will be at the cost of one of your best friend’s future happiness.” Better to load on the guilt now.

  He starts laughing. “Oh no.”

  “Can you be a blind date for Ruby?”

  “Ruby. Ruby Palmer? Isn’t she Nick’s girlfriend?”

  I am impressed. “Very observant, Stephen. And well, she was, but we’ve, uh, I mean they’ve hit sort of a block as far as moving forward, and so I’m attempting to push them back together.”

  “With a blind date.”

  “Yep.”

  “W
hy?”

  “Well, remember when you played the Cowardly Lion in high school?”

  He moans. “I had almost gotten that image out of my mind, Laurie. Thanks.”

  “I need you to act as boring or disgusting as you possibly can on this date.”

  “I don’t know, Laurie.” Skepticism is reigning in his voice. Hannah raises her eyebrows at me, wanting to know what’s happening. I roll my eyes.

  “Stephen,” I say soothingly. “Just one date. You get to be absolutely revolting so Ruby will go running to Nick as fast as her Slim Fast–filled legs can carry her. If you don’t want to do it, I understand. I’ll just have to find someone else who may not act as well as you do and she might fall in love with him instead and he’ll fall for her because she’s officially beautiful and Nick’s poor heart will be crushed into a quadrillion pieces and he’ll move to a lone lake in the middle of Minnesota and spend his days crying into a root beer and staring at cod.”

  He’s laughing again. “Okay, Laurie, okay! I’ll do it.” He sighs. “Good grief, girl, did you not ever take punctuation classes?”

  “Thanks, Stephen.” I grin and give Hannah the thumbs-up.

  “When? Where?”

  “Vizzini’s. Five o’clock on Wednesday.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  I have to make sure. “And you’ll come revolting?”

  “Yes indeed.”

  I smile again. “Great! I owe you.”

  “Just start using commas, and I’ll consider myself paid off.” He hangs up.

  Hannah’s laughing as I push the off button. “Oh, Laurie, you’re terrible.”

  I smile and dial again.

  “Nick Amery.”

  “Hey, Nick. It’s Laurie.”

  “Hiya, Laurie. I was actually just thinking about calling you. Bible study for the junior high girls starts next week.”

  “Ruby told me. It’s on my calendar.”

  “Well, that’s Ruby for you.” I don’t miss the way his voice warms slightly when he mentions her name. “So what can I do for you?”

  “Well.” I clear my throat. “I have been thinking.”

  “Could be good or bad.”

  “Funny. Anyway, I decided that you’ve been single way too long and I’m going to send you on a blind date.”

  “Whoa, Laurie . . .”

  “Wednesday night,” I continue. “Before Bible study.”

  “Laurie.”

  “Don’t worry, Nick. No strings attached. Just a casual dinner.”

  “Yeah, but —”

  “If you hate it, I won’t hold it against you.”

  “Well, who’s it with?”

  “Thus the term blind date, Nicky. So. Wednesday, five o’clock at Vizzini’s work for you?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I let my voice soften, a sad lull to it. “Nick, I think you need to find someone who complements you — you know, who has different strengths and weaknesses. It’s just one date. One date. Think about everything I’ve done for you, Nick. I brought brownies, I come to your Bible study every week without fail, I let you rope me into teaching middle school girls, which is something I’m completely nervous about, by the way. Can’t you do one thing for me?” If I were any more pathetic, I’d be whimpering.

  He lets out a long breath. “Fine.”

  “Good! Bye now.” I hang up and turn to Hannah. “I am so good at guilt trips.”

  She applauds.

  Ruby comes through the door. “Hey, girls.”

  “Hi, Ruby,” Hannah and I chime together. I send Hannah a sidelong grin.

  Ruby sighs at Hannah. “When’s my next appointment?”

  “In twenty minutes.”

  “Okay.” She’s back to staring out the window.

  I look outside. It’s dark, dark, dark with low-riding clouds. The snow that fell all morning has let up for a moment, and black ice streaks across the parking lot. The trees are bony, and the grass is brown and covered with icy frost.

  It’s a gorgeous day to me, but Ruby has always been a summer-oriented person. Maybe this is a another reason she’s so depressed.

  Hannah makes a face at me behind Ruby’s back.

  “Ruby,” I say businesslike. “I have a proposition for you.”

  “Oh boy,” she says, rolling her eyes.

  “A little more enthusiasm would be appreciated.”

  “Oh boy!”

  “Thank you.” I launch in. “I think you’ve been single too long.”

  Ruby lowers her chin and gives me the classic look I got all through elementary school from my teachers. It’s the look that says, Lauren Holbrook, you have an ace of spades up your sleeve.

  “I’d like to send you on a blind date,” I continue, pushing my sleeves up to my elbows to prove her wrong.

  Her eyebrows angle toward each other. “Laurie . . .”

  “We met this great guy at Bible study on Wednesday, and we think you’d be a perfect match.” Sure, let’s give Hannah half the blame.

  Ruby frowns. “Oh?” I can tell she’s replaying the last two dates in her mind. I must establish doubt about Nick.

  “Oh,” I affirm. “We’re setting it up for Wednesday night at five at Vizzini’s.”

  “Laurie, no. I don’t want to go on a date.” She shakes her head vehemently. “The last two dates may not have been good, but at least they were with Nick.”

  I watch her still shaking her head for a few minutes. The time has come to play dirty. “Ruby,” I say slowly, drawing out her name. “I think . . .” I sigh here. “I think just based on what you told me about the dates, . . . probably you and Nick have . . . well, nothing in common, to put it bluntly. You said it yourself.”

  She nods miserably.

  “I know you like him and all, but don’t you think communication is kind of an important thing to have?”

  Her expression is pitiful. “Yes.”

  “So see if maybe you have it with someone else. Nick’s not the last guy in the world, you know. And it’s not like you couldn’t go on the date and then go back to Nick.”

  She doesn’t answer for a minute, looking out the window, eyes big and sad. “Okay, I guess. I guess I’ll go.”

  “Good!” I grin brightly.

  “What’s the guy’s name?” She’s chewing her bottom lip.

  I shake my head. “Can’t tell.”

  “Have I met him before?”

  “Maybe,” I say mysteriously.

  “Wait a second.” She freezes. “Who’s we?”

  “What?”

  “You said ‘we’ met a guy at Bible study,” she points out. “Who’s we?”

  “Me and Hannah.” Hannah waves from behind me.

  “Oh dear.”

  “More enthusiasm, Ruby,” I remind her.

  “Oh dear!”

  Hannah laughs.

  “You’ll have fun, I promise.” I cross my fingers behind my back.

  She’s pinning me with a stare. “And if I don’t?”

  “Then I’ll make it up to you.”

  “Oh really?” She leans against the wall and crosses her arms over her chest. “Now I’m curious. How would you make it up to me?”

  “Another blind date?”

  “Laurie!”

  I hold my hands in a peace gesture. “I don’t know. Something nice.”

  “Nice,” she says dubiously.

  “Perfume. Flowers. Those little gourmet chocolates. A puppy.”

  She walks past me to Studio One, shaking her head. “I just don’t know what to do with you two.”

  “Love us and hug us and give us Twinkies and take us shopping,” Hannah bursts out in a little-girl voice.

  “Yeah, right!” Ruby yells from inside the studio.

  I grin at Hannah.

  Brandon comes out of his office and storms to the desk, not looking at either of us.

  “Home wreckers,” he mutters, grabbing a chunk of sticky notes from Hannah’s desk.

  “That’s a littl
e harsh,” I say.

  He narrows his eyes at me. “In my office. Now.”

  “But —”

  “No excuses. Get in there.”

  I sigh. “Hannah, when they get here, tell the Macys I might come back, and if I don’t, I’d like a walnut coffin because I’m allergic to pine.”

  “Uh . . . okay.”

  I amble down the hall, Brandon close on my heels, into his messy office.

  He closes the door behind him with a vengeance.

  I’m flinching. “Is there going to be bloodshed? Because I’d rather not watch if it’s okay with you.”

  “What is the matter with you? You scheme and scheme and scheme for weeks to get Ruby and Nick together. You even bake doctored brownies, and you hate to cook!”

  “Brandon?”

  “You trick them into eating together and talking to each other. You even have Ruby bake something against her will!”

  “Brandon?”

  “You’ve meddled with their emotions and their lives, and I have held my tongue long enough!”

  “Brandon?”

  “What!” he yells.

  “It’s a ploy.”

  He lowers his hands and looks at me. “What is?”

  “The blind date. It’s all to get Ruby and Nick serious about each other.” I say this in the nice, soothing, “Okay, kids, time for bed” tone of voice that Mary Poppins perfected.

  He closes his eyes and leans back against his desk. “A ploy.” He rubs his hands over his face.

  I nod. “Yep.”

  “Lauren Holbrook . . .”

  “Yes?”

  “I’m going to die earlier because of you.”

  I step over and put my arm around his shoulders. “Ah, no you won’t. Just think what great shape your heart is in now.” I pat his chest.

  He shakes his head as he stares at me. “You’ve got to stop it, Laurie.”

  “Stop what?”

  “Matchmaking. You’re wrecking my employee’s life.”

  My mouth opens in protest. “I am not!”

  “You are too!” He pokes a finger in my face. “You’re meddling!”

  I smack his finger. “I’m helping. There’s a difference. Ruby and Nick are positively perfect for each other, but they’re so awkward that neither of them is ever going to make the second move, obviously, since she’s thirty-three and he’s thirty-four and they’ve known they liked each other for this long!”