by Mia Ford
Yet, even with her apparent honesty, there was no absolute way that I could be sure she wasn’t going to destroy me.
All you have left is Jake and Jake likes Carrie. If she takes him away from you, what purpose will you have to live? I thought, knowing that was the only thing of value she could take from me now. She could put me in jail, I supposed, but what would hurt most about that was leaving my dog behind.
Therefore, I decided that he was the only reason I still had any care for keeping my freedom and my sanity. However, I did still want to keep it, and so I decided that if I didn’t want to risk the little that I was able to salvage from my first catastrophic relationship, I needed to get away from this relationship before it swallowed me too.
Although, after contemplating everything that had happened the night before and how good it felt to talk to someone about my life, I knew it was going to be even harder to let her go.
I ground my teeth, my jaw locking, as I tried to fight the urge to go back on my word. I had told her that I would try, and I owed her that; especially after everything she had put up with from me. I knew it wouldn’t be fair to revert to my old ways, but I was finding it difficult to press forward. Every time I thought about keeping my word to Carrie, genuinely trying to keep it all together, I would feel an empty, sinking feeling in my gut and I wasn’t sure I could go through with it. I wanted to, God I wanted to. I felt that if I could only break this cycle of guilt and distrust, I would be open to a host of different possibilities but as much as I tried, as much as I wanted to let go of the past, it continued to haunt me.
Thoughts of what could happen assaulted my mind.
Talking to Carrie about my past had helped me in one respect, being able to get it off my chest. Having someone who was willing to listen, who didn’t have another bombshell to drop on me, was something I hadn’t experienced before. Every other time I had attempted to relay the story, another piece of information was revealed, that plagued me. At best, I was fighting to keep my freedom, after learning of another bombshell the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with had dropped on my life. So, having the conversation end the way it did, with sex that didn’t end with me getting stabbed at the back, was nice.
However, it had dredged up a lot of feelings. It had reminded me of unpleasant situations that I hadn’t wanted to think about in a very long time.
Flashbacks of being arrested, being drug out of the bar, without having any idea what was going on, was now fresh in my mind. Granted, the enormity of the situation was partially due to shock and partially due to intoxication, but that didn’t change the memory. It was still a pretty shitty thing to have happened and I never wanted to be in a similar situation ever again.
Without Carrie in my life, I could almost guarantee that I was never going to have to deal with anyone ever again, which meant my trust wasn’t going to be tested. I would never have to worry about what she was doing, or what she was planning.
However, without her, I also would likely never be happy.
I had a feeling that if I didn’t try to invest my trust in Carrie, I likely wouldn’t ever trust anyone and therefore, I would never give myself a reason to be happy.
After all, Carrie was right. I hated living out in the cabin all by myself. It was lonely and dark. It drove me crazy at times and I wasn’t sure how much longer I would be able to take it.
However, even with everything I had convincing me that there was something better, something to fight for, for the first time in a while, I still couldn’t bring myself to take that leap.
Before I knew it, I was reverting to my old ways. I hated it, but I also couldn’t stop myself. For my own sense of sanity, I felt that this was what I needed to do.
Hastily, I untangled myself from Carrie’s grasp and as she stirred, I told her, “Come on, Carrie. It’s time to get up. We have to go now if you want to make it back to civilization before dark.”
“Umm…Okay…” Carrie replied, rubbing her eyes, and trying to ward off the sleep that plagued her. She seemed confused, but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her confusion. I simply wanted to get the hell out of there as quickly as I possibly could.
I had made my decision and I wanted to act on it before I lost my nerve.
“Johnathan, can we maybe talk about this for a minute…Is there something wrong?”
“There’s nothing to talk about. There’s nothing wrong. I just want to get you to the ranger’s station before dark. It’s simple survival.”
Instantly, Carrie’s eyes narrowed, and she seemed upset with what I was telling her.
“Why do I get the feeling that you’re trying to get rid of me?” She asked, getting to her feet as she glared at me.
“Uh, honestly? Because I am,” I replied, knowing that I was being an ass again, but I tried not to care.
“At least you’re being honest…” Carrie answered in a small, sad voice.
Strangely, she didn’t seem angry anymore. She simply seemed sad and disappointed. I would’ve preferred that she was angry.
At least if she was angry, I could defend what I was doing.
“Listen, Carrie, it’s nothing personal,” I insisted, trying to get her to answer me.
“Oh, I know,” she replied as she gathered up her things and turned her back to me. “It never is. It’s all about you and your need to be a stoic loner.
“It has to be this way…” I insisted, following after her, “I’m not trying to hurt you, Carrie…”
“I know. It’s okay,” she replied, without turning around.
Her complacency bothered me. So, I ran up to her and placed my hand lightly on her shoulder. She shrugged it off, “It’s fine.”
“Listen, Carrie, I want you to understand.”
“I do,” she answered quietly, without turning around. “You have done this to me enough already, I should expect it. I know that you’re hurting, and you might even be confused, feeling trapped, I’m not exactly sure what. However, the pattern is evident.”
“Pattern?” I scoffed.
“Yes. We have sex, you enjoy it, then you get into your head and convince yourself that this isn’t right. For whatever reason, you’re opposed to being happy and I know that’s not my fault.”
“You’re right,” I conceded, “Nothing is your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just, I’ve been thinking a lot…I’m not trying to be a jerk. I’m really just trying to do what I think is best for us both. I’m trying to protect you. I’m trying to save you.”
“No, you’re trying to save yourself. You have built walls that you think are insurmountable, so you discourage everyone who tries to help you escape those walls…But one day, the barriers that you have built are going to cave inwards and if you are still in the middle, stubbornly catapulting any help away, you’re going to be buried beneath them.”
“How do you know that?” I hissed, angered by the possibility that my situation could get worse. Briefly, selfishly, I wondered if that was the reason that I hadn’t swallowed a bullet yet, but countered my own morbid fears with anger, directed at Carrie. “You think that you’re so smart, because you can pick people apart and tell them exactly what they don’t wan to hear, just so you can get your way?”
“What?” Carrie retorted, “Johnathan, I’m trying to help you. I don’t want you to get hurt. I want you to find some semblance of happiness before you completely shut yourself off from the rest of the world.”
“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want help? Maybe I was doing just fine before you came into my life?”
At this, she tilted her head, but didn’t respond. Instead, she narrowed her eyes and shrugged her shoulders.
Her lack of bantering bothered me slightly, so I backed off, considering she was right. If I was going to push her away, without feeling absolutely terrible about it for the rest of my life, I needed her to answer me. “I mean, maybe you’re right. There’s a good chance that I have no idea what I’m talking
about, but you see, I’m not ready to take that chance.”
She bobbed her head up and down in a nod, though there wasn’t any conviction behind it.
“I wish I was. I wish I could just be happy-go-fucking-lucky like you. I wish I could bounce back from all the shit you’ve been through and preserver…I actually admire that, but I can’t. I’ve tried.”
Again, she nodded and I started to feel as though she wasn’t even listening to me anymore.
“I feel like you don’t understand, or you think that I’m lying to you. Do you at least have some understanding of what I’m trying to tell you?”
Again, she made the agreeing motion, that was devoid of an ounce of principle. It almost seemed that she simply wanted me to stop talking, so she was feigning agreement so that she wouldn’t have to have this conversation anymore.
This made me feel like crap, but instead of trying to fix the issue, I did what I apparently was best at and continued to dig myself into a bigger hole.
“Are you going to speak to me, or just agree with me?” I retorted in an angry tone.
At this, Carrie sighed and raised her eyes to me, turning her head only enough so that she could see me. Speaking softly, she finally gave me her genuine opinion, “Johnathan, there is only so much someone can take before they know that they cannot make someone understand their point of view, or in this case, I can’t make you trust me. I thought that yesterday, we had made strides toward you trusting me. You told me everything and we ended up having a great night. I thought things were going well, but now, to wake up to the same old guilt, and unspoken accusations, I realize that you can’t keep your word. You can’t bring yourself to trust me. of course, I’m upset and disappointed, but I don’t blame you. How could I? Knowing what you’ve been through, your reaction tells me that you aren’t ready and that’s okay. I just hope I helped you a little bit.”
I backed away slightly, as her honesty again cut deep. She wasn’t insulting, but what she said and how she put her response caused me to feel like a total dick.
“I’m sorry,” I answered finally, unable to figure out anything else to say that would assuage her feelings. “I don’t want it this way. I just can’t do this. I can’t help it.”
“Just like you don’t want my pity, or my help, I don’t need yours. If you want to help me get back to the ranger’s station, that would be great, but don’t feel obligated.”
“No, I’m going to help you, that’s not what this is about. I just…”
“You want me out of your life. I get it,” she answered, then started in the opposite direction, leaving me speechless.
“No…” I insisted, though I didn’t go after her. I wanted to catch up to her and I wanted, at least for the moment, to lie and tell her that she was wrong.
I yearned for her to be wrong, but the fact that she wasn’t wrong cut me even deeper.
At that moment, I wished I was stronger. I wished I could put myself out there and be the man she deserved, instead of the jerk she was stuck with.
Deep down, I knew she loved me, though I wasn’t sure why, but that was what made me want to get away from her even quicker.
Now that I had some time to think clearly and I wasn’t presently overwhelmed with the intoxicating effect she seemed to have on me, I was aware of what a big mistake I was making.
This thought process caused me to once again, watch her walk away.
Chapter 19
Carrie
I wasn’t sure how I had managed to stay so calm. I was hurt and confused, even though I pretended I wasn’t either of these things. I had thought we were making progress. In fact, I was stupid enough to believe that he might even come back with me.
Maybe I am as stupid as he seems to think I am. I thought, trying to stay ahead of him, so that he didn’t see my tears.
The hike to the ranger’s station was like a blur. We didn’t stop once, even though my ankle started to ache a couple of hours into the trip, I didn’t allow it to stop me. I was too determined to get to the station and get the hell out of Johnathan’s life.
Jake was by my side for most of the way, but Johnathan didn’t say much. He was behind me, walking closely, but hovered, more than walked behind me. It was aggravating to me, but I didn’t say anything.
I wanted my space from him, but I knew that I probably wouldn’t fair well out here by myself.
I was hungry and dehydrated. I knew that Johnathan knew the way to the station and so, I didn’t want to separate from him, even though it was difficult to even breathe the same air.
My thoughts wandered in a million different directions as I continued to stomp along. Most of the time, I contemplated why I insisted on allowing him to hurt me like he did on such a consistent basis.
Even though I had claimed to understand, and despite the fact that I was able to list the reasons why I understood, I couldn’t truly contemplate his actions.
He’s unhinged…Completely unstable. You have fallen in love with a damn psychopath. I thought but was started by the revelation that had only hit me now. It made sense, as to why I was so forgiving and so stupid. It explained all my actions and all my feelings; I was in love with him.
Yet, he drove me absolutely crazy. We argued more than we had a decent conversation but, in those times, when he wasn’t being the Johnathan that I wanted to smack, he was a man that I truly wanted. His idiosyncrasies didn’t matter to me. I was willing to work with him, to help him.
I wanted to show him what he was capable, because for some reason, I could see it, even if he couldn’t. I knew that he was able to have a great life and I knew that once he realized that, I would be able to be part of that life.
I had never known anyone, quite like I had recently got to know Johnathan. While he was rough around the edges and kind of a pain in the ass, with all his wishy-washy tendencies, I still felt a connection to him that was deep and lasting.
I knew that if he walked away from me, if he truly didn’t want me in his life, because he allowed his past to consume him, without even giving me a chance, it would destroy me.
From the moment I met him, I had connected with Johnathan and I wasn’t ready to give any of that up. I still wanted him and for as hurt as I was, I somehow knew that what he said, wasn’t how he felt. I knew that he felt similarly to the way I did, but he was still imprisoned by his past.
Fortunately for me, that was one realization I didn’t have to fake. I knew that his past was the reason he claimed he didn’t want to have anything to do with me, after I went back home. I knew that he couldn’t bring himself to risk being hurt again and I also knew that his feelings had nothing to do with me.
I knew that this wasn’t my fault.
While I felt bad for him, I didn’t harbor any guilt. I hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact, I had done everything I possibly could to get him to understand that I was trying to help him.
I was angry with him for not understanding, but I couldn’t say that I was surprised. I realized that after a traumatic experience, where your whole world is shaken to its core, it takes a long time to get any confidence back.
Johnathan was still barely holding it all together and I knew that he thought, if I betrayed him, his whole world would be in complete disarray. This time, he wouldn’t be able to even begin to pick up the pieces.
Yet, for as much as I understood that, I also had a sense of pride as well. While I understood him not wanting to trust anyone else, I couldn’t understand how there wasn’t anything I could do to get him to trust me.
I knew I wasn’t going to betray his trust, no matter what happened to us. Yet, I needed Johnathan to believe it and he wasn’t giving me any opportunities to prove anything to him.
“Are you okay?” I finally heard him call from behind me.
“Yes,” I answered succinctly as my heart burned.
“Do you need to stop and rest?”
“No,” I insisted, “Apparently, the sooner we get there, the better.”
“Yeah, but we’re making good time. I would be okay with stopping for a while.”
“Why stop? To me, that sounds like more of a reason to keep going.”
“Oh…Okay. If you’re sure,” he answered, but I didn’t reply.
I simply forged ahead, without looking back.
Partially, I didn’t want to stop because I did want to get to our destination. When we made it to the station, I would be able to rest, without having a long journey still ahead. It would be then that I could finally, truly relax. However, my urgency was partly because I knew if we stopped, everything I was thinking would come spilling out and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.
Before we parted ways, I hoped to be able to get my point across to him, but I wasn’t ready yet. I was still angry, and this wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have while angry.
Again, we trudged along in silence, with Jake looking between us as we walked, obviously wondering, yet again, what was going on with us.
He must think we’re bipolar or something; making love one minute and giving one another the silent treatment the next.
This thought caused me to contemplate what it would be like if we lived together. Would we fight constantly, or would we be happier more than we would be miserable?
I assumed that we would probably find a balance, since we wouldn’t be constantly fighting to survive and if we were living together, Johnathan would’ve made his choice.