by Mia Ford
Considering what he told me about his ex-fiancée, I found it unlikely that he would be so indecisive one he finally took the plunge into a relationship with me.
The only thing we argue about is the fact that he doesn’t trust me and won’t give me a chance. If he was willing to try, things would surely be different. I decided, but a terrible thrust of anxiety hit my stomach as I realized that we probably would never know.
“We’re almost there,” he insisted eventually; his words dragging me out of my thoughts and back to a reality that I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a part of.
“Good,” I responded coldly, continuing in the direction of the ranger’s station.
“Yeah, I thought so,” he insisted, and I looked back to see him grinning. His eyes were trained on me and in a strange way, I thought he might be regretting not talking to me.
Wishful thinking, I insisted to myself, though I contemplated starting a conversation with him, simply to see where it would go.
I knew that once we were at the station, there would be nothing more to say to him, with the way things were, than goodbye.
I didn’t want to say goodbye to him, and I thought that if I let him go now, I might never get the chance to speak to him again.
So, I turned around, in a desperate display, for the first time, showing him that I was crying and insisted, “Johnathan, I don’t want to say goodbye to you.”
He stopped short, staring at my face, before his eyes dropped down to the ground. His expression remained stoic, but his jaw tightened, and he drew in a deep breath. I waited for him to release it, hoping that he would speak, but when nothing came after the long, slow exhale, I decided to continue.
“Listen to me, please,” I insisted, watching his head turn up to me. He blinked, but didn’t move, so I took this as my cue to continue, “I want you in my life, Johnathan. I think that we have a connection and I don’t want to lose you. Last night, something happened, and you opened up to me. That gave me such a sense of accomplishment…”
“Why? Because you finally broke me down?” He snapped, but I didn’t allow him to commandeer this conversation.
“No, because I felt that you had started to trust me. I felt that I had helped you and that was something I had tried to do since I met you and realized that you needed help.”
“You can’t fix me,” he hissed.
“I’m not trying to fix you. I don’t think you’re broken. I think you need support and you need to have a reason to trust people again…That’s it.”
“Oh, quick fix,” he said with a snap of his fingers, “Just like that, you’ve solved all of my problems.”
“Shut up, Johnathan!” I screamed, this time growing angry, knowing that he was simply trying to push me away. “Listen to me, for once. Get it through your head that I am not Sarah and I never will be her. She was a bitch and your so-called friends were a bunch of assholes. Unfortunately, you seemed to attract some pretty shitty people in your life, and I’m sorry for that, but I refuse to be lumped in with them. I’m not perfect, by any means, but I have your best intentions in mind. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, but I did and now, the thought of you leaving me behind at the ranger’s station, the idea that I am going to have to watch you walk away, shatters me.”
My outburst had brought an even more pronounced round of tears that I had tried to bridle but failed. However, at least he was listening to me.
When I stopped to breathe, however, Johnathan didn’t move. He didn’t try to comfort me, but he also didn’t argue with me.
I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean, but I felt that I was on a roll and I wasn’t about to stop, simply because I wasn’t sure how he was going to react.
“I’m sure you don’t know this, and you might not even believe me, but I really don’t care. I’m going to tell you anyway. I spent the time before I had fallen asleep planning how I would be able to help you get your life back together. I was excited for our journey together. I was going to see if you wanted to stay with me, not move in, like as a relationship, but just so you would have a normal roof over your head, so you could find a job. I was going to pull in some favors for you with people I know around my apartment and I was excited to be able to help you. I had every intention of helping you. Now, I know I can’t guarantee that it will be forever, but no one can guarantee that. No one can ever guarantee anything and if they tell you they can, they’re lying.” I stopped and sighed, sniffling back the now free-flowing tears, and running my sleeve across my shirt. “All I want is a chance to help you and there isn’t a way I can do that while one or both of us are stuck up here on this mountain.” I stepped toward him now, hoping that I was talking him into giving it a shot. I couldn’t tell from his expression, so I continued, “Please, Johnathan, tell me you can trust me enough to give me a chance.”
I stood there, hoping for a positive reaction, for what seemed like a lifetime. I could see that he wanted to react, but he stopped himself multiple times. However, I stayed vigilant. I kept my gaze trained on him, showing my steadfast commitment to helping him, hoping this would persuade him.
Yet, eventually, he turned away, unable to even look me in the eyes.
“I can’t do it,” he grumbled, “I’m sorry.” Turning back to me, I could tell that this was difficult for him too, but at that point, I was so angry, I didn’t care. “I’ll go to the station, with you, and help you get acclimated but then, I’m going home…and so are you. It’s better that way,” he insisted, but by now, I couldn’t even pretend to be understanding toward him.
“I was wrong to take what I said back earlier. You really are a coward,” I snapped, “I just poured my heart and soul out to you and you just dismiss it? I just told you I was in love with you and you don’t even acknowledge it?”
“Carrie,” he started, walking toward me gingerly, but I backed away.
“No. I don’t want to hear it. Johnathan, I while will never forget you for saving my life, and guiding me back to safety, but I also will never forgive you for not even giving me the decency of the benefit of doubt.”
“Carrie, please…” Johnathan insisted, throwing out his hand, in an effort to get me to take it, but I pushed it away from me.
“No. You had your shot. You had a million chances. You have made your decision and I’m done trying to get you to see it my way.”
With that, I turned and walked away from him, for what I imagined this time, would be for good.
Chapter 20
Johnathan
I felt my heart drop. Again, I had known I screwed up. I watched her walk away from me, with her face, streaked with tears, but this time, I wasn’t going to let her get too far.
Since I had made my commitment to her, I wasn’t about to go back on my word. I was going to be genuine in my efforts. I wasn’t going to leave her side until I was sure she was safe.
However, as I started to walk, she quickened her pace, as though she was actively trying to get away from me.
I looked over to Jake, who was sitting between us, giving his usual look of sheer disapproval.
“Yeah, yeah…I know…” I hissed as I passed him, “But you don’t need to shame me into it this time.” I took a few more paces toward her before calling out to her.
She didn’t acknowledge me.
“Please, Carrie, let me at least walk with you. I want to make sure you are safe…”
I tried to quicken my pace again but was sure by her actions that she was trying to stay ahead of me.
While I wasn’t about to leave her, I didn’t want to risk her getting hurt by trying to get away from me. So, I slowed down and kept my distance.
“Fine! I’m just going to stay behind you, then. You can’t do anything about that. I told you I was going to see this through and that’s what I’m going to do.”
Silence was the only response, followed by Jake’s groan as he ran ahead to walk between us.
I wasn’t sure if he did this in an effort to be a link
between the two of us, or if he was simply trying to ensure he could watch us both, even when we weren’t together.
However, I knew from the way he was acting toward both of us now, that he wasn’t going to be happy when Carrie and I said goodbye.
I sighed, grumbling with frustration at her stubbornness.
“You know, it seems like I’m being inconsiderate but I’m not. I’m thinking of you too, Carrie. I don’t want to be a burden on you. I don’t want to become someone you wish you’d never met. If you ended up resenting me, for whatever reason, that would be worse than if you left me,” I called, trying to be completely honest with her, even though I wasn’t even sure she could hear me now, considering the distance she had put between us.
“You can’t promise me forever, but I’m afraid that you’ll try, and it’ll make you miserable. If we were together, I would want to help you, bring you up, make you better for knowing me…The kind of things you make me believe about myself, when I think of us together…”
At this, I could’ve sworn I saw her stop and almost turn around, but the moment ended with a shake of her head as she pursued her goal, leaving me to once again, wonder if she had even heard me.
“Carrie, please, come back. I want to talk…I don’t want you to leave angry. I want you to understand, that I am not right for you. I don’t want to try because I can’t be the man you deserve. Despite what you think, I am broken.” I grumbled, stopping to look down at the ground, ashamed of what I had become, “That bitch took everything from me. Not only did she make me distrust everyone, she also made me doubt my ability to be a good partner…A good anything. How can I try to support you, be your lover and your partner, if I can’t even be confident that I am worth the trouble?”
I looked up, to see if anything I had said resonated with her, but if it did, she gave me no indication.
Frustrated, I quickened my pace, seeing that we were running out of time, with the ranger station only a few hundred feet away.
“Please, Carrie! Listen to me! Now, I’m the one pouring my heart out and you’re the one walking away. While I don’t blame you, I want you to listen. I want you to understand. I’m not doing this for me and…I do have feelings for you, which is why I think it’s so damn important that I leave you the hell alone. You don’t deserve this aggravation,” I insisted, “But I don’t want to part on these terms. I want you to understand!”
At this, Carrie turned around, but her eyes were cold and bloodshot from crying. She furrowed her brow at me and leaned against a tree for support as she called back, “Do you think you’re the only person who has ever had a bad breakup?”
“Well, no…” I insisted, backing up slightly, trying to understand exactly where she was going with this. “I just…”
“No. You are not the only one who has a crazy ex. Yes, it sucks, and yes, your situation is particularly shitty, but it isn’t the end of the world, unless you let it. You can recover from this. I have offered to help you recover from it, yet you keep pushing me away.” Carrie stopped speaking then, and looked up at the sky, looking as though she was gathering her thoughts, before looking back at me. “Do you really want to know why I decided to go on this trip? Sure, it was fun, and it was exciting and the idea of it was adventurous, but under all that, is a reason that no one else knows.”
“Why?” I asked, inching toward her, cautiously to ensure that my getting to close wasn’t going to cause her to take off again.
“Because,” she answered, “I’m getting over something too. I tried to hold it in for as long as I could, and, to the credit of this trip, I haven’t thought about it all that much, what with trying to survive, but about a month ago, I got a call. It was from my ex boyfriend’s mother. I hadn’t dated this man for years, but he was my first love. My first…everything. She told me that he had hung himself and mentioned me in the note.”
“Jesus,” I muttered, feeling terrible for her.
However, she shrugged off my comment, before continuing, “Don’t get me wrong…This man was abusive, and he said hurtful things, simply to break me down. It took me years to get over him and to regain my self-worth. I tried my best to get away from him several times and when I finally did, everyone was always afraid I would go back. He was like a drug…He had always had a hold on me that was almost otherworldly. I could be so mad at him, but if he looked at me a certain way, my anger would just melt away.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean…” I replied, empathizing with her. “That’s why I was so blind. I was so in love with Sarah, that I refused to see the signs that something wasn’t right.”
“Anything that happened, would just get forgotten about,” she added, “simply because it was more important to me that he was there.”
I shook my head in understanding.
“Don’t get me wrong,” she continued, “The relationship was toxic. I will never deny that, but there were also good times…And those were some of the best times of my life.” She grinned in a sad way, “He was everything to me and certain places, I still go and think fondly of him.”
“I guess I never got to that point,” I insisted.
“It takes time,” Carrie admitted, looking at me for the first time in a long while, “But once it happens, the next time is easier and while you never forget, you don’t burst into tears, or get angry all over again. You simply enjoy the memory.”
“Is that why you came up here? To the mountain? Is this one of your places?” I urged, hoping that my questioning wouldn’t upset her.
However, seemingly pleased by my interest, she nodded, “It was a long time ago, but he and I took a trip out here and went camping for a few days. It was just him and I. He loved the woods and he knew a lot about them, so I felt safe with him. This trip was before he was abusive…We were probably sixteen or seventeen,” she giggled, “I got in so much trouble when my parents found out, but it was worth it.”
“Oh, so you were a little rebel,” I teased slightly.
Adamantly, Cassie shook her head, “No, not at all. That was probably the only thing I ever did like that…Our relationship was off again, on again, after that, since my parents weren’t too thrilled with his influence.” She rolled her eyes, almost looking like the teenage-self she was referring to. “The day I turned eighteen, he and I got a place of our own together. We worked our asses off and he got a job at his father’s company. Everything was going well, despite the parental disapproval, but then, he hurt himself on the job and had to be let go. He was only nineteen. Pain medicine, mixed with alcohol made him a different person. He never recovered from the addiction. It made him violent and depressed. Eventually, I had enough, and I moved back in with my parents. I started to go to school, more to take up time while I wasn’t working, so that I didn’t have to think about anything. I decided to be a paralegal, because I wanted to help people.”
“Wow…” I replied, unsure of what else I could say to her. I was shocked by what she told me and felt kind of dumb for how I had reacted to my own breakup. However, I didn’t mention any of this. I simply continued to give Carrie my undivided attention.
“So, when I got the call that he had died, and that one of his final thoughts was of me, it was devastating. I hadn’t seen him in years…I hadn’t wanted to see him in years, but in that moment, I wished I had been at his side. I wished I was able to help him…But I had abandoned him, just like he felt everyone else had abandoned him.”
“Carrie, you know that there’s nothing you could’ve done, right?” I insisted.
She nodded weakly, and I got the feeling that she had heard that attempt at comfort a million times before.
“That wasn’t really the worst part. Yeah, I mean, I was shocked, devastated and hurt, but I’m getting over that. What I had a harder time with, was when I told my roommate, my parents, and my friends, everyone gave a collective good riddance.”
“What?”
“It wasn’t in so many words, but through their half-hearted condolences, I knew
that’s what they meant. No one would talk to me about it. No one thought I should even care. Everyone, almost seemed happy, that now, I would never go back with him, even though I never had any inclination to. I was a different person than I was then, when I was dating him, and I wouldn’t have put up with his shit anymore. Although, I wasn’t happy that he was gone. For the first time, probably since we were kept apart in high school, I missed him. I wanted to go to the funeral, but his mother, who never liked me much anyway, inadvertently blamed me for his death and was unwelcoming to the idea of me showing up. My parents told me that it would only dig up bad memories and my roommate told me that there was no reason for me to mourn a looser, who was never going to amount to anything anyway.”
“Damn…And you said, your parents were supportive?”
Carrie chuckled slightly, “Trust me, what they said was warranted. They tried to be gentle about it, but they had seen me hurt by him, so many times in so many ways, it took a lot for them to be as kind as they were about it.”
“And, your roommate?”
“That’s just the way she is…and, I mean, in their strange way, they were trying to help me, and give me the support that they thought I needed to move on from him, that wasn’t what I needed. I had already moved on. I was mourning for a life that I knew, better than anyone. I was morning for the man I fell in love with, not the abusive jerk who had shattered my self-esteem. So, I decided to take this trip, to get away from the people who were proving to be unhelpful in my grieving process and be alone with my thoughts. I wanted to create a new memory, where I could do what I wanted, be who I wanted, think how I wanted, without anyone telling me that I shouldn’t feel a certain way.”