B07F3S1H9W

by Eoin Brady

  “You don’t mean to stay?” she asked.

  His silence almost made her blabber to fill it. She couldn’t bear it, but he broke first. “I’m … Shade, I’m sorry that I walked out on you like that.”

  “I still half expected you to surprise me with one of your plans, until you said that.”

  He swallowed something and his tone became neutral with a hint of forced friendliness. “That letter was not mine to take once given. Once written.” He kept looking out the window, a beautiful view but it was only because he could not bear to look at her. Her resolve to keep emotion from her face was wilting. “I’ve added a little bit to it,” he said.

  Shade weighed the envelope in her hand. “Ah, that would explain why you disappeared for so long. You were writing me a novel.”

  His lips jerked in a quick smile. Old habits. The sight of it made her feel like this was the start of a nightmare, one where you run but get nowhere.

  He scratched old stubble on his cheek. He looked like he had the first time she saw him on the cliff. “I’m leaving today,” he said

  Shade had known that this was coming. She knew the end before there was ever a beginning. She thought she was prepared for this but nothing could have prepared her for him.

  “Do … would you like to have a coffee and talk before you leave?”

  “I can’t. I’m taking the morning ferry.”

  Shade opened her mouth and nodded, at a loss for words. The questions were there. ‘What happened? I thought …’ She could not give voice to any of them. It would give them too much potency, and the sudden loss of his affection already wore down her composure.

  She sucked in her lips, they felt hard and callused under pressure. A tear betrayed her, running down her cheek creating a path for more. She looked him in the eye. The tear seemed to cause him some confusion. He blinked a few times and seemed shaken by it. She clenched her teeth, loth to be so vulnerable before this familiar stranger.

  The level of intimacy they had shared made this situation seem dislocated from their reality of two. “I’m still amazed when I think about it, but it’s only been a week after all.”

  “Shade, I’m sorry if I ever pushed or was too forward about how I felt, how I thought of you. I hope that we can be friends. You’re one of the most interesting people I’ve ever come across. You fascinate me.”

  “‘Fascinate’?”

  Said in her voice, and emphasised, Diarmuid realised his mistake. Anger was a strong emotion and the only one she could latch on to in this moment. “I’m not here to fascinate you. Your words are only breath without conviction behind them.”

  Instead of reddening as she expected he would, Diarmuid took the venom of her tone like a slap and stood stronger in defiance of it. “Nor am I here as a diversion for you.”

  His remark took her off guard. She found no meaning to it. Before she could ask what he meant, he was already walking towards the door. “It has been an absolute pleasure. I’m glad that I met you.” His voice was gentle as if to salve the damage caused by his outburst. He held out his hand. Of all the things he could do to hurt her, this was one of the most effective – the polite indifference to what they had shared. Demeaning their moments.

  “Diarmuid …” Shade stammered.

  Outstretched arm rigid he lowered it to his side when Shade did not accept it. “Stay safe in Iceland.” He strode out of the suite without looking back.

  There has to be some combination of words I can say to let him know how I feel. But she was mute in the face of this unseen side of him. If I could hold him close he would know how much he means to me, how much I cherish the time we’ve had.

  Shade ran out of the door, startling the chicken that was pecking in the short grass. “I’m not saying it.”

  His shoulders sagged and his head lowered. He looked back. Only now did she notice his bloodshot eyes, the dark circles beneath them and the hard line of his jaw. He looked away from her and carried on, as if her saying it had been an insult. She needed to know what happened.

  Shade paced in her room, her breathing ragged. His letter lay forgotten on the floor. She rushed to it for answers, bringing it to the window to read. Before she could open it she saw the taxi driving down to drop off people to the morning ferry. Shade rushed to her backpack and threw the contents aside without care until she found the drone. In her haste it took twice the time to get the rotors attached. It buzzed in her hand, she threw it straight up into the air outside and scanned the land through the controller monitor. She could already see the ferry nearing the pier from Inis Oírr.

  When the drone reached the port she scanned the small crowd. All eyes were on her, it felt invasive as if they all knew what she was doing. She swallowed back the pain but it came back twice as bitter in the form of anger.

  She stopped panning the camera lens when she spotted him, he was looking right at her, so was the woman standing beside him. Katie.

  The ferry pulled in. Katie kept talking in his ear. He was the last to board, the only person left on her screen. He waved and nodded then walked out of the shot.

  Don’t wave at me, you prick. As he left she rammed the controller joystick forward. It would destroy the drone but the satisfaction from at least trying to hit him with it was too strong to fight.

  Nothing happened. The image remained the same. The drone corrected itself for wind but aside from that there was no movement at all. She had not noticed the red warning light on the controller that indicated it was out of range. It would not respond to her impulsive instructions, saving her from herself.

  Shade could only watch from the window as the ferry set off. She sat there until it shrank and finally disappeared from view. He’s gone. The drone’s altitude dropped and it drifted into the harbour where it sank without a soul to see.

  CHAPTER 18: THE SAME MOON RISES

  “You’re a better person than I am,” Katie said, handing him a cool can of cider from the shop aboard the ferry.

  “Sure we’ve known that all along. How is it you’re only coming to that conclusion now?” Diarmuid asked.

  Ignoring the comment, Katie opened her own can and stood beside him.

  “Not a bit early for this?” He opened his over the railings at the rear of the ship before she could answer. The island shrank behind them. Dark clouds stumbled across the horizon on towering jittery legs of rain. It shrouded the island.

  “It’s a good thing we didn’t wait for the plane,” Katie said. “Keith and Shauna will have to stay behind for the evening ferry now.”

  If I had stayed we would have spoken longer. What would have happened then? Could have done that a lot differently. Sticky froth from the cold cider trickled down his hand and disappeared into the churning water.

  “How are you feeling?” Katie asked.

  “Better now after a bit of sleep. I had a clearer head about things until I met her this morning.”

  “I still think you were daft to do that. To give her the letter too.”

  “I wish you could have seen it. She even said she half expected me to have a plan for her. I can’t let it go. I keep playing back over how she reacted. She ran after me at the end and said … that she liked me. She’s on that island,” he said pointing at the rocky outline hidden by rain. “She’s there right now watching us. This does not feel right that the last time we will see each other … it feels odd. I could swim that distance and see her, but after today I’ll likely never know where she is again. I almost left without giving her the letter but I’m glad I did. If I hadn’t I would actually be considering swimming back now. The letter would have done no good had I written it only to destroy it. At least it can do something now.”

  “Don’t put too much faith in it, lad. It was a good thing to do. At the very least it’s closure for you.”

  “Not the both of us?”

  “I’m sorry Diarmuid. I read the blog post; seems she does not need any form of closure. Of all the people something like this could have happen
ed to, I’m so pissed off that it had to be you.”

  Diarmuid wished that he had never mentioned it to her. “I’m a little cracked, not completely shattered. This would suck for anybody. In fairness she did nothing wrong. The post was not meant for my eyes. I shouldn’t have betrayed her trust, she asked me not to look at her blog and what did I do the first chance I got?”

  “How long do you reckon it would have lasted had you not gone searching for her blog? Still though, it was not meant for you to see but it was like reading her mind. I don’t know how many times I’d have given more than it’s worth to know the mind of those I held in high regard. Even you, sometimes. I understand the lure of it without condoning the broken trust.”

  Black smoke still rose from the dún where the stage disappeared in ash and cinder.

  “She has everything she needs in that letter,” Diarmuid said.

  “I know, I saw what you printed off last night.”

  Diarmuid gave her a coy look and his cheeks coloured.

  Katie sighed. “You’d be happy with only being friends now with all you want? With all you thought to have and all you know now?” Diarmuid made to respond but she cut him off. “Don’t lie to me, I know you too well Diarmuid. You’re a romantic and it’s one of your greatest flaws. Until you meet the right person at least.”

  “Nah, tempered with enough heartbreak you lose the desire for the heat of romance. I’m a realist. I’m not the sort for her.”

  “Oh and why’s that?”

  “I’m not putting myself down here. You’ve seen her blog. A bottle of wine and a night of curiosity and we’ve not scraped the surface of the things she’s accomplished.”

  “You’ve lost friends and cut yourself off from the world because you think you’ve not done enough to keep up, or what is it? Shame that you’ve nothing to talk about?”

  “Is that why you put on the play? You thought if I’d some accolades I’d be more likely to re-join society?”

  “I knew you’d think that. I take my job seriously, I would not put my reputation on the line or waste the time of so many people that are completely indifferent to you to begin with. I used to think you needed to get out of your head but by the sound of it there’s plenty of room in there. I used our friendship to get cheap rights for your story, that’s all.”

  “Here enough of that, you’ve made your point. Sorry I said anything. You’re not the deeds but the people in your life. Look at the places she has been. When compared to me and the things I’ve done, there’s no modulating the differences. We got on so well because she did not know me.”

  “You’re a thick fucker, you know that?” Katie said. The wind was now strong enough that her hair billowed across her face. “Did you tell a lie to her in the time you were together?”

  “Omitted …”

  “The whole nature of your game was to leave out what you think makes you ‘you’. Leave out your past and on the merit of you in the present you’ve made a memory for a lifetime. Only a pity she was a bastard eh?”

  They drank in silence. Diarmuid only noticed his anxiety by its absence. “Thank you for this, Katie.”

  “It’s no bother; you wrote the play.”

  Diarmuid cringed at that. “I meant making me come out. Think I’m going to stick to novels after that experience though.”

  “Maybe build up from fortune cookies eh?”

  Their laughter lifted the horrible sensation of a dead conversation that lingered.

  “So what’s your plan now?” Katie asked.

  “If I only knew.”

  Katie leaned her head against his shoulder and they watched the island vanish.

  “Well isn’t it better knowing now instead of when you were emotionally invested, what can grow in the space of a week?”

  Potential. “I suppose you’re right,” he said.

  “This isn’t going to send you into hiding again is it?”

  “No, I want to be over it. I can’t look on life as a spectator without experiencing it ever again. At this point the scale is tipping so that my fear of missing out overpowers my fear of joining in.”

  Katie glanced at the puffy, dark circles beneath his eyes. “Talk to someone Diarmuid.”

  “I –”

  “If you say you’re talking to me it’ll be a different kind of doctor you’ll be needing.”

  He clapped her on the arm and nodded. “Any doctor I go see will offer me a discount if I refer them to you. There’s sure to be a few academic papers they could make from studying you.”

  “I’ll expect a medal in the post.”

  “You know, as a whole I don’t think that it was a bad experience. Granted it could have ended without me seeing that blog.”

  “There was no need for her to be a bitch about it though.” She put up her hand to stop him interrupting. “You can tell me she panders to the masses all you want but that’s even worse. Why would you want to be with somebody that manipulates their thoughts to fit in with the average of her audience? From the sounds of it it’s all about money.”

  “Aren’t most things?”

  “Yes Diarmuid. That’s why I put your play on for one day on an island of a little over a hundred people.”

  “You’re banking on my smut selling so well that I’ll make you a lady of luxury.”

  She laughed at him in a sad, derisive way as one would a joke that’s so bad that the effort of telling it is worth a chuckle.

  “It was never her intention for me to see her blog. I was nosy. Surely if we were in the minds of those we loved we would all be lonely people.”

  Katie thought about that for a moment. “I suppose so.”

  “Wait, what thoughts do you have of me?”

  She smiled and nudged him. “So had you not been a creep you would have had a wonderful memory, now you’ve been cuffed after it.”

  “Ah no, it was nice to connect with somebody on that level, it’s been so long. I don’t regret it. Sure after I went home without telling her, I felt foolish. Once that and the upset subsided, I decided to go back. What kind of person would that make me if I wanted nothing more to do with her because she no longer wanted to sleep with me? I wouldn’t be worth her time if that were the case. I gave her the letter and with it a way to meet should she want to,” Diarmuid said.

  “When we get in to Galway we’re heading out. I said I’d ask you to join.”

  “Sounds good to me,” Diarmuid said.

  “Jaysus Diarmuid. Had I known it only would have only have taken you getting a ride to get you back out in the world …”

  “I’d still be stuck at home right?”

  “Yeah, sorry not my type – standards and all …” She trailed off in a mumble.

  “I’ll go for a drink before setting off. Besides I owe you lot a round or two.”

  “If you feel uncomfortable …”

  “Oh, I’m already there.”

  “This is going to be eating you, I can tell.”

  “Her?”

  “Yes. You should have spoken to her about it, been open. Yes, you’d have had to admit to breaking her trust, that you read her blog. Katie exhaled as if doing so would blow them away from the island faster. “All that said, you do have her piece on the blog, that’s more closure than I’d care to have. All that is beside the point. Even I know if you want people to read your blog you have to have decent search engine optimisation. Not doing your job right if you make it hard for people to find you. Look sure,” Katie took out her phone and searched ‘Shade travel blogger.’ Her website was the first thing that came up. The next was a link to Hollow Ways website with her name in bold in the description of the link.

  “Wow! I didn’t know she was ‘Hollow Ways’ big,” Katie said.

  “How do you reconcile somebody like her being with somebody like me?” Diarmuid asked.

  Katie’s eyes rolled.

  “I’m not putting myself down here. Look at it this way. I’ve been a ghost for the last …” he thought for a mome
nt “… fuck. For a long time. She’s travelling the world. Not only are we polar opposites in that regard. We will more than likely actually be on opposite ends of the earth for most of our time. It was a fantasy. A good one. I’d like to be the sort of person that could make her happy.”

  “Look to cultivate happiness in yourself, before you worry about anybody else.”

  The sea was rough now, waves were striking the side of the ship and the spray was thick enough to drench them. “Let’s go inside,” Katie said, spluttering out a mouthful of salt water.

  “I’ll be in in a moment,” Diarmuid said. When Katie disappeared inside and he was alone he dropped his can into the sea. I’m done with drink. He could no longer see the island but he knew she was out there. Guess that’s how I’ll feel for a while. Knowing she was likely reading his letter now brought him peace. “I’ll see you again, Shade.” He could not bring himself to look away from where the island should be until the boat pulled in at Ros an Mhil.

  Diarmuid excused himself early from the revelry in Galway. One drink had become many as it always went. Nobody seemed to notice his were non-alcoholic. Once there was a decent bit of summer sun there seemed to be this innate need to worship it. In this case with copious amounts of drink and sacrificing hours of happiness from tomorrow to it. It would have been nice for his cheeks to be rosy because of drink and not anxiousness but his mind was elsewhere.

  As much as he wished to feel normal, the island with Shade was an outlier: an isolated location with a wonderful person and a lot of alcohol. In the city he felt on the verge of panic. He could barely give one word answers, let alone join in conversations. If Shade could see me now.

  It’s her last day on the island. I wonder what she’s doing. If she read my letter, how she felt after? Will she see me again? I could get the ferry back in the morning. Talk to her face to face, or meet her in Galway when her coach gets in.

  Each time his mind went to her though he remembered the words she had written about him and his notions of meeting her again faded. It’s up to her now.

  “Are you sure you won’t stay a while longer?” Katie asked.