by J. M. Lamp
“So,” she says, “what are you going to say to Oliver?”
“I don’t know.” I yawn and look down at my hands. “What do you say to someone that you’ve loved for awhile, but were too scared to say it because you’ve been hurt before?”
“Hey, man. I just wanted to say that I love you, man.”
“Alright,” I laugh. “We never say “man.” But thank you for the advice.”
“Just say whatever you feel, I guess. Stop overthinking it. You’re being a girl.”
***
I get out of the car and lean on the car door. Oliver said he would be back home within the hour, but I was already in the area seeing Elliot and Will, so I decided to come early. I get my phone out of my pocket, check some apps, and make my way inside.
I get to Oliver’s floor and hear someone talking on the phone. Standing outside Oliver’s door is a man about my age. I stop, confused about what’s going on, and move closer toward him.
He sees me watching him, and he puts his phone to his side. “Can I help you?”
“Uh, yeah,” I say, shifting my eyes from him to the door. “Are you waiting for someone or what?”
He nods. “My boyfriend. Well, ex-boyfriend, but we’re working things out. Are you here for Sadie?”
“Is your name Eddie?”
He smiles and puts his phone back up to his face. “I gotta go. Yes, and you are?”
I can’t find the words to say anything, so instead, I freeze in place and look at him.
“You OK, man?”
I slowly open my mouth and stare past him, not sure what I’m even looking at in this moment. “You’re Oliver’s ex?”
“Yeah,” he says. “Do you know him?”
“He’s a friend of mine. You said that you’re working things out?”
He nods. “It’s taken forever, but it’s finally happening. I’m waiting for him to get back.”
I feel like I’m gonna be sick. This whole situation makes no sense whatsoever, and I don’t know what to think. I turn around and catch my balance on the handrail. I get in my car, but can’t find the strength to start it up. I just sit there, motionless, and try to control my thoughts.
***
“Why are you back?” Kelsey asks me when I get back home.
I grab a beer out of the fridge and toss the cap in the trash. “I don’t know what just happened.”
She puts her book down and gets up off the couch. My eyes don’t leave the floor, and I don’t know whether to scream or cry.
“What did he say?”
“He wasn’t there,” I say. I walk over to the couch and set my feet up on the coffee table. I look out the balcony door and wonder if Oliver has made it home yet. “His ex-boyfriend was, though. Said they were getting back together.”
“What?”
I get back up off the couch, set my beer down, and grab my keys. “I’m going to Gregor’s. I need something stronger than this.”
Chapter Eighteen
Oliver
I HAVEN’T SEEN SAM IN TWO DAYS, BUT IT feels like it has been weeks. I’m beyond thrilled that he’s coming over because I have to tell him everything tonight.
I talked it over with my mom and she agrees that even if he isn’t ready to be in a relationship, we can’t keep doing this with each other. It’s becoming too hard for me, and I can’t keep wanting more.
Especially if he doesn’t want more from me, too.
I get out of the car and hurry up the stairs to see if he’s already here. Instead, I’m greeted by the absolute last thing that I wanted to fucking see tonight.
“What in the hell are you doing outside of my door?”
Eddie stands up and puts his hands out in front of his chest.
“Before you get angry, I—“
“How do you even know where I live? Have you been following me or something?”
He nods. “I saw you guys out the other day on a walk and followed you back here.”
“Do you realize how fucked up that is, Eddie?”
“I know,” he says. “But you won’t talk to me, and I—“
“You don’t get it.” I shake my head and push past him to the front door. He lifts his hands and moves out of the way. “I don’t want to talk to you. I’m done talking to you. I have been for awhile now.”
I unlock the door and throw my bag on the floor. He tiptoes into the kitchen, and I cross my arms.
“How long have you been here?”
He shrugs and leans against the door. “About an hour or so. A friend of yours stopped by. He was really cute. I think he was here for Sadie.”
I freeze and uncross my arms. “How long ago was he here?”
“Fifteen minutes ago.”
I shake my head and sigh. “He wasn’t here for Sadie. He’s a friend of mine because he’s the guy that I’m in love with.”
His jaw drops a little, and he looks down at the floor. “Oh.”
“Why did he leave, Eddie?”
He looks up at me. “I told him… I told him who I was and that we were getting back together.”
I close my eyes and laugh. “What?”
“I was on the phone and it just all came out.”
“What came out?” I scream at him, throwing my hands up in the air. “Why in the hell would you say that? Why are you even thinking it?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t—“
“Eddie, I—“
“You don’t realize how bad it’s been without you,” he says. “I can’t sleep or eat or think. I’m going fucking crazy.”
I nod. “Clearly.”
He comes closer to me. “I just love you so much. I realize what I did was wrong, and I need you back.”
“Eddie—“
He takes another step towards me. “Oliver, just—“
Without thinking, I push him back into the door, and he slams his head against the doorknob. I look down at him, feeling no regret about what I just did.
“I swear to God, Eddie. Either leave now and never speak to me again, or I promise you that I will call the cops and get a restraining order. You cheated on me, and I am over the fact. I found someone new now, which you probably fucked that up, too. I’m to the point now where I almost want you to keep doing this, so that I really can call the cops.”
He gets to his feet and wipes his eyes.
“Oliver, I—“
I shake my head. “Please, Eddie. Leave me alone.”
He turns around and heads towards the stairs.
“What the fuck just happened?” I say out loud. I close the door and lean my head against it.
Seconds later, Sadie opens it up and it slams into my head.
“Shit,” she says. “Sorry. What the hell was Eddie doing here?”
“Messing up my life.”
She sets her purse down on the counter and looks at my head. “What do you mean?”
“Sam stopped by before I got home, and he met Eddie.”
“And?”
I laugh. “Eddie told him that we were getting back together. He thought Sam was a friend of yours.”
Her eyes grow big, and she turns around.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m gonna go kick his ass,” she says, grabbing her purse.
I grab her arm and laugh. “It’s fine. I threatened him with the cops and pushed him against the door. Hopefully, he stays away now.” I grab my keys out of my pocket and put my hand on the door. “I have to go see him.”
***
I knock on his door and after a few seconds, Kelsey answers it. She doesn’t say anything, and I’m guessing she already knows what happened.
“Is he here?”
She shakes her head. “He went to Gregor’s. He was really upset and said you were getting back with you ex.”
“Shit.” I sigh and look down at the floor. “My ex is crazy, and he shouldn’t have even been there. How long ago did he leave?”
“He should still be there.”
I take a deep breath and put my hands on my hips. “I hope he is.”
“Are you OK?”
“I love your brother, and I was going to tell him that tonight, but I didn’t get the chance to. I should’ve told him last week at dinner, but then your grandma and everything.” I shake my head. “Sorry. I’m just saying random things at this point, and you probably think I’m crazy.”
She smiles. “I think you should go tell my brother that you love him.”
***
I see him sitting at the bar when I push open the door to Gregor’s. There’s hardly anyone here tonight, and Sam is sitting by himself, looking at his beer. I meet eyes with Jess, and she forces a smile.
“Hey,” I say, sitting down beside Sam.
He looks over at me and nods. “I’m not sure what to say right now.”
“He told me what he said to you. It’s not true.”
“It’s OK if it is,” he says. “We’re not a couple, so it’s fine.”
“He’s a fucking psycho.” Jess hands me a beer, and I run my hand down the bottle. “I’m sorry, Sam.”
He laughs. “Really, it’s OK. I wouldn’t have even left probably if I hadn’t already been emotional. It’s just been a shitty week.”
I feel uneasy because I know that this whole situation isn’t OK. He’s closed off to me now; I can feel it.
“We need to talk, Sam.”
He leans his head on his hand and looks over at me. There are tears in his eyes, and I wonder if he’s been crying because of me. I instantly look away and look forward towards Jess.
He looks away and takes a drink of his beer. “I was coming over to tell you that I loved you tonight, Olli.”
I hear the words, but they don’t soothe me like they should, because I wonder if he still does. It’s what I’ve been wanting to hear for awhile now, but not like this.
“And do you still?” I ask him.
He laughs. “Even more than I did. It broke me when he told me that.”
“It’s not true, though.”
He shakes his head. “I know that now. At the time, I didn’t know what to think. I don’t even remember driving back home to be honest. I didn’t realize how bad I wanted you until I thought that I couldn’t have you.”
I grab his face and pull it towards mine, planting a soft kiss firmly on his lips. I lean my forehead against his, and I say, “You want to know something? I was going to tell you the same exact thing tonight.”
He laughs and pulls away. “I feel so awkward right now. Like, this isn’t even romantic. It’s just like we’re telling each other to say it.”
“I agree.” I look over at Jess and smile at her. “I’m not sure what I just watched.”
“You just witnessed us finally making all of our friends happy by telling each other the truth,” I say to her.
I look back over at Sam, and I say, “Let’s go up to the roof.”
He nods and we make our way towards the back exit of the pub. It’s pissing down the rain when we step outside, but I don’t care. I just want to be alone with him.
We make it to the roof, and the lawn chairs from when we were last here are still where I left them. He sits down in one, and I sit down in the other. I look out towards the lights and skyline and close my eyes.
“Today was the last thing that I ever expected to happen,” I say, looking over at him.
“I know I haven’t shown it, but I’ve been terrified at putting a label on us.” He puts his hands behind his head. “At first, I really was just enjoying having fun with you, but right around when I went to Vegas, I realized that I wanted more. After hearing it over and over from everyone, I finally accepted the fact. It scared me then, and it scares me now.”
“I’ve been so worried about you not wanting it, too,” I say. I turn towards him and lean on the arm of the chair. “Like a teenager in love or some shit, I’ve been back and forth about it. I was going to tell you at dinner last week, but you got the call.”
A silence falls between us, and I laugh.
“What?”
“I pictured us on your couch, me grabbing your face, giving you a kiss, and telling you how much I wanted to stop being friends-with-benefits. This is just ridiculous.”
He smiles. “Were we gonna have hot sex after?”
I nod. “Orgasms for days. I’m just… sorry that he was there.”
“Yeah,” he says, “why was he, exactly?”
I roll my eyes. “He followed me and Sadie home one day, I guess.”
“Odd.”
I nod. “He said he’s doing terrible without me and just can’t handle it anymore. I shoved him into the door after he told me what he said to you and threatened to get a restraining order.”
“Seems reasonable enough.”
I throw my head back and let out a scream. “I just hope he fucking stays away now. I’m gonna have to have Sadie murder him if not.”
He laughs, and we sit in a peaceful silence for a few more minutes.
“I almost didn’t talk to you the night I first met you,” he says. “I’d sworn off dating and having any interest in anyone in general for awhile. If it hadn’t been for me having alcohol in me and Ethan getting your number, we probably wouldn’t be here right now.”
“I remember when you walked in with them,” I say. “All I saw when you walked away was your ass, and I thought it was beautiful.”
“It is pretty nice.”
I nod. “It’s amazing.”
He laughs and holds out his hand to me. I take it and hold it tight.
“I trust you, Olli.” He brings our hands to his mouth and rests them against his lips. “More than I’ve ever trusted anyone, and that scares me. I grew up not trusting my parents and after my ex, I lost trust in most everyone around me.”
“Do you trust me with your bank account number? And don’t forget your social security number.”
He laughs and gets up out of his seat, kneeling down in front of me.
“Seriously,” he says. “Don’t break me. I can’t do it again.”
***
“Finally,” Kelsey says as we close the door. “Thought you two were dead or something.”
“We went and ate,” Sam says.
“So,” I say, leaning on their kitchen table, “I am told that Sam had a breakdown at the funeral?”
She laughs. “Besides telling our parents to fuck off, he also dissed every friend of theirs and asked them why they were even there.”
“I shouldn’t have said anything,” Sam says. He rests his head on my shoulder and shakes his head back and forth into it. “Oh well. I had a good excuse.”
“Oh,” she says, sticking her finger in the air, “he also said how our grandparents basically raised him and that the only reason he turned out so great was thanks to them.”
“I really wish I would’ve been there. And I realize how I’m making it sound like a concert rather than a funeral.”
We laugh, and Sam gets a beer out of the fridge. “God, I’m gonna miss her so much. She meant the world to me. She had a way about her. Everything she did, she did it effortlessly. I hope to be half as good as her when it’s all said and done.”
We sit down on the couch, and they tell me memory after memory about her. We laugh, they cry, and I realize that I have never been happier than I am in this moment.
Chapter Nineteen
Sam
A FTER WAITING ALL DAY TO FIND OUT WHEN we are going, Oliver finally calls me to let me know that Gregor’s Pub is officially his.
I lean against the telephone poll outside of my apartment and wait for Oliver to come pick me up. It’s starting to get colder now that it’s no longer Summer, and I’m freezing my fucking balls off.
I look down at my phone and check the time. It’s only been a few minutes since he called me—which he said he was just leaving and it takes about fifteen minutes—but I’m still cold. I throw my head back and watch my breath fill the air below the street lamp.
“Are you lost?” I hear Kelsey say behind me.
She slips out the door, and I follow her over to her car.
“Waiting for Oliver.” I look down at her bag. “Where you going?”
She throws her bag in the backseat and shuts the car door. “Tina’s. Where are you going?”
“He wants to celebrate. He bought the pub, finally.”
“Does that mean I can get drinks there now?”
I smile. “Wouldn’t count on it.”
She rolls her eyes. “You’re such a mean dad.”
She gets into her car and rolls down the window. I lean in, and I say, “Be good, please. I worry about you going out this late.”
“I’m a big girl, Sam.” She buckles her seat belt and checks her face in the mirror. She looks at me, and I raise my eyebrows. “I’ll be good, bye.”
I smile as she pulls away and Oliver pulls up. He beeps the horn obnoxiously, and I laugh.
“I miss your bike.”
“Me, too,” he says, leaning over and kissing me once I’m in the car. “Gotta be professional now, though; business owner and all that.”
“Is the pub closed down or what?”
“Yeah.” He turns the channel on the radio and cracks his window. “I closed it down early. Did you hear that? I did. I can’t believe I own my own fucking bar now.”
I laugh and cross my arms. “Why is your window cracked, Olli? It’s cold.”
“Fresh air, Samuel.”
“By the way, I got our tickets for Comic Con today.”
He slams his hand into the steering wheel. “I cannot believe I’m going to Comic Con with you. You seriously don’t realize how excited I am about it.”
We pull up to Gregor’s, and Oliver parks in the back. I’ve never been to Gregor’s when no one was there, and I’m almost creeped out by the fact.
“So, what are you gonna change?”
“The hours,” he says, walking into his office and sitting at the computer. “I’m gonna open earlier for lunch. I mean, the food is delicious here, and I really think a lot of people would come for lunch.”