by J. M. Lamp
“My grandparents were about the only family I enjoyed spending time with growing up. My parents were… my parents, and my grandparents were the complete opposite.”
“Your dad’s mom or your mom’s?”
“Mom’s.” He grabs my arm and locks his fingers in with mine. “My dad’s both died before I was born. My Gram knew that I was gay before I ever came out. We were out grocery shopping one weekend when I was fifteen. She saw me looking at some guy and when I noticed that she saw, I got really nervous. She grabbed my face and smiled and said that I had nothing to be ashamed of. I was chosen to be different, and that is completely OK. She said never to let anyone tell me different.”
I move to where I can wrap my other arm around him and lock him into me. I tighten my squeeze on him, and he starts to cry again. I don’t know whether to say nothing or say that I’m sorry, so I just sit there, letting him get it all out.
When the tears and soft heaving finally stop, I look around and see that he fell asleep. I lie back against the couch and run my fingers through his hair. I wonder if it’s a bad thing that I’m glad he fell asleep, because at least when he’s asleep, he doesn’t have to hurt. I feel him move and tighten his grip on my hands.
***
After confirming with Sam that he would be all right if I left, I make my way back home and find Sadie getting ready for her book signing.
She looks over at me, and she smiles, applying her lip-gloss and smoothing it over her lips.
“So,” she says, turning the bathroom light off and making her way into my room, “when’s the wedding?”
“I didn’t tell him.”
She crosses her arms and leans against the doorway. “Why not?”
“I was about to at dinner, and he got a phone call that his grandma died.”
She frowns. “That’s fucking awful. Is he OK?”
I nod. “I’m going back over later. I came to get some clothes. I’m gonna stay with him the rest of the weekend.”
“Is he not gonna go see his family?”
“He doesn’t… it’s really complicated.” I pick my weekend bag off the floor next to my closet and let out a deep breath. “I just wish there was more that I could do for him.”
“You being there means more than you probably know. Even if you guys don’t say anything, sometimes we just need that presence there.”
I pack and follow her out to the living room. She puts on her shoes and checks her hair in the mirror.
“Are they expecting a lot of people?”
She looks over at me, and her eyes grow big. “More than I’m ready for. Since it’s my hometown and all that, people are gonna slam the place. It’s fine, though. I hated it at first, but meeting all these people is actually really awesome. I never realized how many different ways I could inspire someone.”
“Sam’s sister loved your book, by the way. I told him that he should’ve went today and got it signed for her, but yeah.”
“Is she gonna be home tonight? I can stop by and sign it for her.”
I close my eyes and smile. “That would be amazing, my amazing specimen of a friend.”
“I’ll call you when I’m done and see how things are.”
I nod and wave goodbye to her as she closes the door behind her.
***
“I’m not one-hundred percent sure on what grade I want to teach, but yeah, I’m pretty set on it, I think.” Kelsey turns the volume down on the TV and walks into the kitchen. “I mean, I’ve been helping at the daycare a few blocks away, so I don’t mind younger kids, but I also like the idea of teaching high school.”
“You still have plenty of time to figure it out,” I say. “This is only your second semester, right?”
She grabs a bag of chips out of the cabinet, and she says, “Yeah. This semester isn’t as stressful, thankfully.”
“It’s gonna get harder,” Sam says. I look over at him, and he picks up the TV remote off the table. He changes it to some romance movie that I’ve never seen and leans on the side of the couch with his elbow.
“I know, Samuel.” Kelsey pours herself a glass of milk and walks back into the living room. “Right now, though, it’s pretty easy.”
He doesn’t say anything and continues staring at the TV. I lean back into the couch, and he leans his head on my shoulder.
“Mom said the funeral will probably be next Thursday or Friday.”
There’s a knock on the door, and I remember that Sadie said she would be here around seven.
“You expecting someone?” Sam asks Kelsey.
“Nope.” She gets up off the couch and opens the door. “Holy shit.”
I look over and see Sadie standing in the doorway.
She laughs, and she says, “Hi, I’m Sadie—“
“Mills,” Kelsey says. “I know. I love your book. Literally read it in a day.”
I get up from the couch and walk into the kitchen. “How was the book signing?”
“Wait,” Kelsey says, her eyes wide and her mouth open, “you know her?”
I nod and look back at Sam who is smiling. “I asked her to come over since you weren’t able to go to the signing today.”
“Oh my God,” she says. She pulls me in for a hug, and I can barely breathe. “You’re amazing.”
Kelsey moves past me towards her bedroom. I look over at Sadie, and I say, “Told you she loved you.”
“She’s adorable,” she says, looking back towards Sam. “Hey, man.”
“Hey,” he says. “Thanks for coming over.”
“Of course. You doing OK?”
“I will be,” he says. “I have Oliver.”
She looks over at me and smiles, making a sad puppy dog-face in the process.
Kelsey comes back with her book and a pen, and she hands them both to Sadie.
“Do you have anything else you’re writing?” Kelsey asks her.
Sadie nods and hands her back the book. “I’m writing a new book, but it won’t be coming out for a year or two. I’m a bit anal when I write.”
“That’s what makes a good book, though, right?”
Sadie smiles. “Right. Well, I have to get going because I actually have a date soon.”
“Thank you again for coming,” Kelsey says.
“Of course.” Sadie sticks her arms out, and Kelsey practically passes out from the fact that she is getting to hug her. “Thanks for liking what I write. I’m glad you enjoyed it.”
Kelsey makes her way back to the couch and shows Sam the signature. For the first time since he heard about his grandma, I see a hint of happiness in his smile. He looks up towards me, his smile growing once his eyes meet mine, and then back down at the book. I turn back towards Sadie, mouth the words “thank you,” and close the door as she leaves.
Kelsey jumps off the couch and makes her way down the hall.
“I’m gonna go Facebook this,” she yells.
I laugh and sit back down beside Sam.
“Thank you,” he says, grabbing my hand. “That meant a lot to her.”
“I’m glad she loved it.”
He looks back towards the TV and squeezes my hand. “It meant a lot to me, too. More than you know.”
The movie ends, and I lift Sam up into my arms like a baby. He wraps his arms around my neck, and I try to contain a laugh. He’s so innocent and sweet in this moment while he’s asleep, and I truly wish this wouldn’t have happened to him.
I lay him down on the bed and bring the covers over him. He quickly buries his face into the pillow and starts to snore. I lean on my side and watch his stomach lift and sink into the mattress.
With his mouth wide open and his snoring growing louder by the second, I think about the fact that I love him even more now than I did before, and the fact that he let me be his shoulder to cry on throughout the last two days has meant more to me than he will ever know.
Chapter Seventeen
Sam
I STRAIGHTEN MY TIE IN THE MIRROR AND lean on the bathroom s
ink. Today is the funeral, and I’m not ready to deal with it all.
Oliver said that he would come with me today, but I know that I’ll be a mess at the funeral. He’s already done plenty, and I love him for that. Even though he has no idea that I love him. I thought about telling him at dinner that night before I got the phone call, but it happened before the words could come out.
I walk out into the living room and see Kelsey outside on the balcony. She’s on the phone, so I reach in the refrigerator and lean out against the counter. She’s taking this whole thing a lot better than I am, but she wasn’t as close to her as I was. She didn’t need her like I did.
She turns around, sees me looking at her, and says something into the phone before she ends the call.
She shuts the balcony door and smiles at me. “You ready?”
“I guess. Who was that?”
“Mom,” she says. “She wanted to know what I was wearing and how you were doing.”
“Did you tell her that I’m fucking super?” I shake my head and roll my eyes. “Why would she care about what you were wearing? This isn’t a wedding.”
“It was just something to talk about, Sam.”
“I wonder how grandpa is.”
She makes her way into the bathroom and turns on the light. “Mom said when she talked to him last night that he was doing OK, but I’m sure he’s feeling bad.” She shuts the light off and comes back out.
“You have a hair out of place,” I say, opening the front door. “Might want to fix that in case mom sees.”
***
I walk into the funeral home and avoid every person that I see and know. A lot of my parent’s friends are here, and I start getting more pissed each time I see a different one. This is a funeral; it isn’t a small get together. More than half of these people never even met her, I’m guessing.
I go up to the casket and see her. Mom at least dressed her in something beautiful. I turn around and see grandpa sitting in the first row. He looks hollow and empty, and I can relate to him in more ways than he knows. Gram was an amazing human being and not having her here has only left him with emptiness, I’m sure.
He looks at me, and he smiles. “How you doing, bud?”
“I’ve been better.” I sit down next to him and take a deep breath. “How about you?”
“I’ve been better.” He looks past me and down the hallway to where my parents are talking to friends of theirs. “I see they brought an audience.”
I laugh. “You know them. They can’t go anywhere without having the attention on them.”
“I’m so thankful you and your sister didn’t end up like them.”
My mouth drops a little because this surprises me. Since I’ve known him, he has never spoken badly about either of my parents. That’s one thing I admired so much about my grandparents was how well they were able to keep their cool and not say anything. I have always been the opposite.
“Thanks to you and Gram.”
He looks over at me, and he smiles. A tear runs down his cheek, and I have to look away before I start crying.
“So,” he says, wiping his nose, “what’s actually new with ya? I haven’t seen you in awhile.”
“I just saw you guys two weeks ago,” I say, laughing.
“I know, I know. Still too long. How’s that friend of yours? Oliver, wasn’t it?”
I nod. “He’s good. He was gonna come today, but I told him not to.”
He furrows his eyebrows and looks away. “Don’t want him to see you hurt?”
“Oh, he saw it. He was with me last weekend when I heard. I figured today would be worse, though, so I told him not to worry about it.”
“He sounds like a good guy,” he says. “The people that stick around when tragedy strikes, those are the ones that you should keep in your life.”
I hear laughter down the hall and see the people that my parents are talking to laughing about something. I look over at grandpa and watch him shake his head. He gets up and makes his way up to the casket.
I sigh and make my way down the hall.
“What’s so funny?” I say, interrupting the man talking.
“Oh, Sam,” dad says, “this is—“
“A friend of yours,” I say. “Yeah… did either of you actually know my grandmother?”
The woman shakes her head. “We didn’t, no. We’ve heard amazing things about her, though.”
I look from the woman to my parents. “So, why the fuck are they here?”
The woman gasps.
“I apologize, Sue,” mom says. “He’s really shaken with this whole thing.”
“Have you even talked to him yet?” I ask my mom. “He’s in there by himself, while you’re out here entertaining your fucking friends.”
“Now, Sam,” dad says, gently lifting his hands in front of his chest.
“Fuck you both.”
I turn around and head back, sitting back down where I was. I put my hands behind my head and look straight ahead towards the casket.
Multiple people go up and say things about her, most of them I actually know, and he asks if anyone else has anything they’d like to say. I raise my hand, and Kelsey pulls on my arm.
“Please,” she whispers. “Be nice.”
I shake my arm away and make my way up to the podium.
“For those of you that don’t know, which I can see are a lot of you because I’ve never met a lot of you before in my life, my name is Sam. This beautiful soul of a woman behind me was my grandmother. Well, she was technically my grandmother, but she was more like a mother to me if I think about it.”
I look down at Kelsey who closes her eyes. “Some of you might have seen me earlier talking to these two lovely people in the front row.” I point down at my parents, and my mom shields her face. “Just for fun, who all here is a friend or… business associate of my parents?”
More than half of the room raises their hand out of confusion.
“Sam,” mom whispers, raising her eyebrows. “Stop this.”
I laugh. “I know this is rude of me to be up here speaking like this, but I always promised myself that when the day came that my grandparents were gone, my parents and I would no longer speak. Now, I still have an amazing grandfather that is sitting on the opposite side. A lot of you might not have met him because you’ve been too busy sniffing my dad’s ass-crack, but he is the one who lost his wife. Like her, he helped shape me into the person I am today. Which, I’m actually a decent human being. I know that this definitely doesn’t show it, but you also don’t have parents like mine.”
Everyone’s mouths are cracked open, and the room is filled with so much silence that I can hear my ears ringing.
“Anyway,” I say, forcing a smile, “if you would’ve known her, you would’ve known the most amazing person in the world. She was a blessing to this world and now that’s she’s gone, the world is going to be a much darker place.”
***
I look over at Kelsey in the driver’s seat, and she continues leaning on her arm and playing with a strand of hair. She hasn’t said one word to me since we left the funeral, and I don’t blame her.
“Did you get it all off your chest?”
I look over at her and look back towards the road. “Yeah.”
“I knew you disliked them, but I didn’t realize just how much you hated them. I didn’t know it was possible to dislike your parents so much until back there.”
“I probably embarrassed grandpa. He’s the only reason I kind of regret saying what I said.”
She laughs. “He actually told me before we left to tell you that he needed a good laugh.”
“I meant it, Kels.” I can feel her eyes on me, but I keep looking towards the road. “I’m done.”
After a few seconds of silence, she leans back on her arm, and she says, “You do you, Sam. I’m going out with some friends when we get back. They’re wanting to take me out.”
“I’m going to see Oliver. I have to let him know that I c
an’t do the friends-with-benefits thing anymore.”
“Jesus,” she says, “I’m glad he didn’t come today. I really like this guy, and I’m sure seeing you have your meltdown would’ve made him walk out.”
I laugh and get my phone out of my pocket.
Me: You going to be home later? The funeral just ended.
Oliver: No I went to visit my mom. I’ll be back tomorrow night.
Me: Okay, sounds good.
Oliver: You OK?
Me: I will be, yeah. Kind of went a little crazy at the funeral lol.
Oliver: Jesus, Sam. I can’t wait to hear all about it.
I put my phone back in my pocket and take a deep breath. “I need to make sure I visit grandpa more. He doesn’t have anyone.”
“Eh,” she says. “He has some friends. They were there today. You probably would’ve met some of them, but you were too focused on all of mom and dad’s friends. They were just there to show their support.”
“Yeah.” I lay my head against the window and close my eyes. “I’m not apologizing to them.”
“Didn’t say you had to, big brother.”
“I should probably apologize to Sue, though. I made her uncomfortable.”
She laughs. “Who the hell is that?”
I shrug. “One of their friends. They were talking about something when I interrupted and told mom and dad to fuck off. Jesus, they all probably think I’m crazy. And mom and dad probably told them that I was, too. That I haven’t been the same since she died or something.”
“There’s nothing wrong with a little crazy.”
“Still,” I say. “I feel kind of bad about it now that I think about it. It was like my sixteenth birthday party all over again.”
“What are you talking about?”
I look over at her. “You probably wouldn’t remember that.”
“Do I even want to?”
“It was when I came out as gay. I outed a guy that I went to school with to his parents, too, and I just kind of made a spectacle. I guess mom and dad aren’t the only ones who like to entertain.”