Baby Trap

by Hodge, Sibel

  P.S. Did I mention how badly I want this?

  Zelda?

  Finding the Balance

  The next day, the letter from Guy’s arrived through the letterbox, along with a leaflet that had been stuffed through. I ignored the leaflet, putting it to one side, and tore open the brown A4 envelope. Inside was a brochure, a list of fees, and the questionnaire.

  I scoured the brochure which listed the fertility treatments they carried out – IVF, ICSI, sperm retrieval, donor eggs – how to optimize your chances of getting pregnant by eating healthily and taking folic acid (yep, knew all about that bit), and the side effects of treatment:

  24% of treatments which resulted in pregnancy end in miscarriage.

  What? You mean I could go through it all, get pregnant, and then lose the baby anyway? Why are there so many obstacles in the way? I thought modern technology was so advanced these days.

  Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, which causes the ovaries to enlarge and blood oestrogen levels to rise. Symptoms include abdominal swelling and bloating.

  Oooh, that sounds fun!

  Ectopic pregnancies.

  God!

  Pelvic infection from egg collection.

  Something else to look forward to.

  Bleeding. There is a small chance the needle passed through the vagina for egg collection could puncture the bowel.

  Great!

  Drug side effects.

  You mean you turn into a raging, hormonal nutter. Oh, yeah, been there, done that!

  Foetal abnormality. There is evidence that IVF/ICSI babies are more likely to be born prematurely.

  Maybe I should give it all up now. Maybe we just aren’t supposed to be parents. Or is this supposed to be some sort of journey I’m meant to take? Do I have to prove something first? And if so, what? Is it supposed to be a lesson teaching me something valuable to pass on to my kids?

  I read it all and felt sick. It sounded horrendous. And, even worse, the chances of it working were pretty slim. I had a 30% chance of getting pregnant, with a possible 24% chance of having a miscarriage if I did. All that and we’d have to pay three thousand pounds to go through it.

  But what choice did I have? It was my only hope. It was my final weapon in the infertility war.

  I filled out the questionnaire with a heavy heart, stuck it in an envelope and stomped down the road to post it. Then I thought maybe I shouldn’t be sending it off with such negative vibes so I kissed the back of the envelope and made a wish. Feeling sorry for myself wasn’t going to help anything.

  Please work.

  I ignored the pink lip gloss marks on it, took a deep breath, and shoved it in the post box.

  When I came back home I glanced at the leaflet that had arrived…

  New to the area, Suzanne Fielder – Energy Crystal Healing Practitioner

  What is Energy Crystal Healing?

  Energy Healing is a wonderful non-invasive holistic therapy, which means that the focus is on the individual as a whole, rather than on physical symptoms alone. The aim is to restore wholeness, balance, and health to emotions, mind and spirit, as well as the physical body.

  Our Energy Centres within the body and our Energy Field (or Aura) that surrounds us can become blocked or imbalanced, causing illness or upset to our system. Energy Healing, incorporating Crystals, Colour Breathing, and Meditation techniques can help to release these mental and physical blockages, allowing the body to heal.

  Crystal therapy is effective in treating stress, anxiety, insomnia, depression, menstrual disorders, reproductive system imbalances (infertility, PCOS, and supports IVF treatment), muscular pain, digestive problems, and many more.

  Find the balance you need…

  I knew it sounded like something whacky and bizarre that Poppy would come out with, and I didn’t know exactly how this was going to help me, but, more importantly, it sounded pretty damn likely it could be a message from Zelda, telling me this woman could help me make the IVF work. My heart broke into a tap-dancing beat and a surge of adrenaline shot through me.

  I scanned the leaflet again, devouring it with my eyes. Yep, I was sure this was meant for me.

  ‘Oh, my God, you’ll never guess what!’ I told Poppy on the phone, and carried on without pausing for breath. ‘You were right! I think Zel…I mean, the Universe answered one of my questions.’

  ‘Hey, that’s great!’ she said. ‘What happened?’

  I filled her in on the leaflet. ‘So, I think that’s what she was trying to tell me. Somehow, and I don’t know how, I think this crystal healing woman will help the IVF to work.’

  ‘You know, I was going to mention crystal healing to you, but I knew there wasn’t a practitioner local to you. It’s all about balancing yourself, getting inspiration from within to make you calmer.’

  ‘Well, it’s amazing because this woman has just moved to the area! If that’s not a sign, then I don’t know what is.’

  ‘So when are you going to see her?’

  ‘Well, Karl will think I’ve completely lost the plot if I go and see someone like that. He doesn’t believe in all that “mumbo jumbo.” But I’m going to give her a ring now. No time like the present!’ I had a good feeling about this. OK, so I thought that every time I tried something new. Although I’d done the feng shui and yoga, there must be a reason why people said third time lucky, mustn’t there? It would work. It had to.

  ****

  Later that afternoon, I was knocking on Suzanne’s door. Luckily, as she was new to the area, she wasn’t booked up. I expected her to be older and frumpy and wearing a flowery muumuu. But no, she was in her early forties, trendy, with really kind eyes.

  ‘Hi!’ She gave me a friendly smile and I felt instantly at ease with her. ‘Come in, come in. I’ve just moved in so I’m still unpacking.’ She nodded to some boxes stacked up in the hallway under the stairs.

  ‘Oh, I know what you mean. We moved into our house five years ago, and we still haven’t unpacked everything,’ I said.

  ‘Follow me into the treatment room.’ She led me up the stairs, along a light and airy corridor to a room at the end.

  The interior was warm, cosy, and inviting. Dimmed lights with scented candles, a soft blanket on the treatment couch, and various beautifully coloured crystals everywhere.

  ‘Have a seat on the couch,’ she said, perching on the end of a wooden stool. ‘Have you ever had crystal healing before?’

  I shook my head, for some reason feeling slightly ridiculous.

  She gave me a warm smile. ‘Let me explain a little bit about it, then we’ll talk about you, and why you’re here, and I’ll carry out a healing therapy designed especially for you.’

  ‘OK.’ My shoulders relaxed.

  ‘Crystal therapy is an ancient holistic treatment that works on the whole body, not just any symptoms you might have. It helps you to get well naturally by relaxing and re-energising you, and getting rid of any physical and emotional blockages you might have.’

  I nodded. I could definitely do with relaxing, and if it could unblock my fufu, then great!

  She handed me a pink, smooth crystal. ‘Crystals have obviously been around for millions of years, and the human body is crystalline in nature, so they affect our bodies at an energetic level to promote healing. They contain universal energy and each one has different healing properties or forces to raise your energy field.’

  I caressed the crystal in my hand. ‘Sounds good to me.’

  She tilted her head, studying me for a few minutes. ‘What problems are you having?’

  I glanced down at the floor for a second before answering. ‘I’m having problems getting pregnant.’ I filled her in on everything that had happened so far.

  She listened and nodded slowly. Then she reached out her warm hand and placed it over mine. ‘Crystal therapy is an excellent treatment that can complement fertility drugs and IVF. And the good thing about it is that it’s naturally calming. When you don’t feel whole, mentally or physically, y
our body tenses up and can restrict blood and oxygen flow throughout, including your ovaries. Women who go through fertility problems are often storing negative emotions like anger, fear, jealousy, and depression, which create energy blockages in your chakras and can manifest in real physical and mental problems.’

  I felt a chill go through me. She was absolutely right. I had been feeling like that. I thought it was just me going crazy, or turning into someone I didn’t recognize, but maybe this was natural for a lot of women in the same situation. At last, someone understood exactly what I was going through, and that seemed to put me instantly at ease.

  ‘OK, if you lie down and take off your shoes, I’m going to spend a moment tuning into you,’ she said.

  I kicked off my shoes and swung up onto the couch.

  She placed her hands lightly on my feet and closed her eyes. Then she got a white crystal pendulum, holding it over different parts of my body. ‘Your base chakra is blocked. This area deals with things like fear and resentment about the baby you want. It’s also about living in the moment. All of us live such stressful lives these days. We juggle jobs, chores, busy lives, and are bombarded by more and more distractions. I feel you aren’t living in the moment at all. You’re constantly waiting for the next thing to happen, and the next, to achieve your goal. And in doing that, you’re not enjoying your life, and you’re missing the magic around you.’

  ‘Yes, that is so right.’ I suddenly felt a tear spring into my eye. ‘I feel like I’m living in limbo all the time, just waiting to get pregnant.’

  ‘We need to focus on getting rid of dead energy and negativity in this area.’ She moved the pendulum up higher. ‘This is your sacral chakra, which is also blocked. This is connected to emotions and fertility. It’s the area where your grief is stored.’

  No wonder it was blocked.

  ‘And this is your navel chakra. Again, it’s blocked. This is about anger and self-esteem. How you project and achieve anything in your life depends on balance in this chakra.’ She moved the pendulum higher. ‘Your heart chakra is also blocked.’

  ‘Oh, God, I’m not doing very well, am I?’ I said.

  ‘Don’t worry. This is what you’re here to fix. This chakra is about trust, love, and forgiveness. You need to trust in other people and the Universe that you will achieve what you want.’

  That tallied up with what Poppy was always telling me.

  As Suzanne went through the other chakras they were all blocked.

  ‘You can’t switch off.’ She smiled at me.

  I rolled my eyes in agreement. ‘I know.’

  ‘You need to trust again that things will happen and take time to live in the moment to appreciate what you already have. Really believe and have confidence that you will achieve everything you want to in life. Project it out to the Universe. See it in your mind and really visualize it. Think about your motives for wanting it. Think how having a baby will enhance your life. You need to imagine it in your head and use your senses to bring it to life. Hear your baby laughing, see it smiling, smell its hair. And then, let go of it. Because if you know it will happen, then it will, and no negativity can hold you back. Trust that if it’s meant to be, it will happen.’

  ‘Yes, that makes sense when you say it, but it’s easier said than done,’ I said.

  She let out a soft laugh. ‘No one said it would be easy, but you can do it. When you make it clear what you want, the Universe will find a way to give it to you. You just have to have faith, Gina. If you get too stressed about it, the negative energies can block the thing you want most of all.’ I thought about that for a moment until she said, ‘I can unblock your chakras, but you are your own guru. You are the one with the energy inside you to heal yourself. You just have to believe, and look for signs that will guide you along the way.’

  I took a deep breath, feeling my eyes well up in an enlightening, emotional moment. What she said made perfect sense, although Karl would think she was kooky and crazy, since he didn’t believe in all this sort of stuff. But somehow, her words brought a shiver up my spine and a tingling inside me. I would try my hardest to do what she said.

  ‘Try repeating a mantra to yourself every day.’

  ‘Oh, I’ve been doing that already. I’ve been saying, “My womb is a flower.”’

  ‘Good. The more you do it, the more you’ll believe it. Leave post-it notes with positive mantras around the house so you can see them every day. That will help you believe this will really happen for you.’

  ‘Good idea.’ I made a mental note to do that as soon as I got back.

  ‘Good. Now, I’m going to place some crystals on different parts of your body, so just lie there and relax. You might see images come into your mind, or colours, and that’s all normal.’

  I closed my eyes and felt her lightly placing the crystals on me. Within a few minutes I was so relaxed I was about to drop off. I peeked an eye open to see what she was doing. With her eyes closed, she had her hands above different parts of my body. My eye drooped shut again and I saw a rainbow of colours behind my lids. Yellow, orange, blue, purple, red. I felt myself fill with a lightness and happiness I’d never experienced before.

  Frankenstein’s Monster

  A few weeks later, we were getting ready for the hospital opening evening. Even though we weren’t being judged on what we looked like, I felt like it was a good idea to look smart and make a good impression.

  I’d already tried on eight different outfits and nothing seemed right. What if they refused to treat us because we didn’t look like parent material? Should I wear something frumpy and boring that showed a practical parent trait? Or should I wear something fashionable that showed I could blend in and conform to society? How about something original to prove I could be a creative mum?

  ‘It’s not a fashion show.’ Karl eyed the pile of clothes gathering on the bed as he chose the nearest thing in his wardrobe to wear. ‘There will probably be so many people there, they won’t even have time to notice what you’re wearing.’

  I zipped up a pair of tight black trousers and tugged on a white blouse. Surely I couldn’t go wrong with a simple black and white ensemble.

  I was just putting the finishing touches to my mascara in the dressing table mirror when my eyes strayed to the numerous post-it notes I’d put up: I will get pregnant. Don’t worry. Everything will be OK. Zelda, I’m projecting positive baby thoughts. Karl had written his own and stuck them next to mine. Who the fuck is Zelda? Can I have a beer yet? My husband is the sexiest guy, ever!

  I’d been trying to put in place everything that Suzanne had suggested about projecting positive thoughts – knowing it would happen, and then forgetting about it – but it was pretty hard to do when you had to change the mind-set and personality you’ve had since you were born. I’d even bought a crisicola crystal bracelet to wear, and a rose quartz crystal, which I was now wearing down my knickers every day. Apparently, both of them were good for increasing fertility. At least I was trying.

  Oh, and speaking of knickers, I’d just gone out and bought twenty orange pairs, since, according to Suzanne, orange was the colour of my sexual chakra. If orange knickers equated to an unblocked fufu chakra then I’d be wearing them twenty-four-seven, even though they looked pretty icky.

  ‘Come on, we’re going to miss the train.’ Karl glanced at his watch.

  ‘I will get pregnant,’ I whispered to myself one more time.

  ****

  The lecture theatre at the hospital was packed when we arrived. I gripped Karl’s hand and we made our way to a couple of empty seats at the front. As we sat down, I glanced around and studied all the other wannabe parents. I could see the strain on their faces that probably mirrored my own. How long had they been trying?

  The lights dimmed and a hush of anticipation crackled in the air. A middle-aged man who looked a bit like Herman Munster entered the podium, which was a tad scary.

  Karl elbowed me with a horrified look.

  My brain
went off at a tangent, imagining being strapped to a stretcher by Herman and his best mate Frankenstein in the basement of a dark, damp Victorian hospital. I was screaming as they advanced with lumbering steps to implant me with all sorts of genetically modified embryos that were clones of themselves and they were going to use to take over the world. I’d just got to the part where they got a giant needle out when Herman started talking, sending me spiralling back to reality with a bump.

  He explained he was the director of the Assisted Conception Unit, and would be talking us through the fertility treatments they provided so we were all completely sure we wanted to go ahead with it. They would give us statistics on success and failure rates, and advise us what complications there might be.

  Since I’d already spent a lifetime online researching IVF, I had a pretty good idea of what it all entailed, but Karl and some of the others looked worried, although I’m not sure if that was because they were imagining the same Herman scenarios as me and thinking that he’d be messing around with their genes to make designer babies or Frankenstein clones.

  There was no doubt about it, along with the physical side of things with all the drugs, the mental side sounded equally horrible and demanding. I just hoped Suzanne would be able to help me cope with the stress and frustration of it all.

  Two hours later, when the lights went up, I glanced at Karl again, only to find him with his head resting on the shoulder of some poor woman, fast-a-bloody-sleep.

  I elbowed him hard in the ribs and he woke up with a start.

  ‘How could you fall asleep?’ I hissed.