by Brenda Ford
“Oh yeah. Since America is all big and strange to me.” She laughs. “Come on then.”
I hold out my arm to her, almost as an automatic gesture, and she takes it willingly. I feel like I’m flying higher than air, soaring above the clouds, a little like a crazy teenager with a crush as we walk home in a bubble of our own making. The rest of the world doesn’t even exist to us, it’s just me and her, by ourselves. I love it.
I can’t help falling into the fantasy of me and her just a little bit more… this feels totally different than every date that I have ever been on before, when all I wanted to do was escape. This is messy, it feels like trouble. Like I’m falling into a pit of despair, and I can’t find a way to get out. Not that I really want to.
“It’s quiet,” I whisper like a naughty child as we creep up to the house. When I was a teenager, I snuck a couple of girls into the house, but even then, it didn’t feel as thrilling as this. “Too quiet.”
“She must be sleeping.” Rue tugs on my arm. “You are coming in, right?”
I do have my apartment that I could escape to, which I would much normally prefer to this, but I follow Rue in like a lap dog, willing to do whatever she wants. Inside, we immediately find Mary on the couch, passed out from what appears to be too much drink – just part of the weeping, stressed out wife, I suppose. I can’t help but chuckle along with her, like we are naughty kids. The bubble tightens around us with this shared joke, it gives us something else that’s only for me and her. I like it a lot. I only want to share things with her from now on…
“Come with me.” Rue grabs on my hand and tugs it before pulling me up the stairs. “Come on.”
It’s weird that it’s more like it’s her home now than my own, but it’s fine. I don’t mind it; it only adds to the thrill. We creep up the stairs about two at a time, and finally find ourselves alone in the hallway upstairs. It’s a big empty space, my father likes to have a lot of room around him, but it feels cramped and tight, like we are stuck. I nearly press myself up against her because we’re so connected, and as soon as any parts of our body brush together, everything intensifies tenfold. I meet her eyes and see the same confusion but desire dancing in her gaze that I feel. There is definitely something there between us. It doesn’t matter how wrong it is, it’s going on anyway. She’s rising to her tip toes, pulling her lips towards me. I don’t know what is about to happen afterwards, but I know for sure that this moment will lead to a kiss so mind blowing it might well knock me from my feet.
Then our lips crash together, and the world actually stops spinning for a brief moment, as if everything that’s happened before has all been leading to this one perfect, yet totally wrong moment. My knees knock together with desire as her lips create tingles all over me, everywhere. I’m overwhelmed by the fireworks that erupt in my chest; it hasn’t ever felt like this before. I snake my hands around her waist and pull her tighter to me, never wanting to let her go again. This is the most incredible kiss that I have ever had in my life. I never want it to end.
Chapter Eight
Rue
Oh my God, that kiss! It makes my body curl around itself to even think about it. The butterflies fluttering inside me have grown to the size of birds, and I can barely keep myself together. It’s too much. I like James, even after all of these years, I don’t know if I ever let go of my crush really. Although, now that something physical has actually happened, it’s definitely become something more. Something adult. And it could have become something really adult if I’d let it, but it didn’t seem like the right thing to do, based on our circumstances. So, once me and James stopped kissing, I giggled, said goodnight to him, then sashayed off in a way that I hope left him wanting more.
Oh God, I shouldn’t want him to want more though, should I? Because we’re kind of family. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t ‘feel that way’ or whatever. I can give myself a million and one excuses, but it still can’t become something real. Whether we grew up together or not, whether we agree with our parents being married, it doesn’t matter. We can’t let that become anything more than a slightly drunken kiss.
But as I slide my eyes closed, I can’t stop myself from imagining where that kiss could have gone. His hands all over me, working up my body, cupping my eager breasts, and rubbing his fingers across my nipples. I just know that if he’s slipped underneath my top, it would have felt incredible. Absolutely amazing. He has an expert way with the female body, I’m sure of it, and if I had waited a couple of seconds longer, I could have found out.
“Mmm,” I murmur to myself as my hands race over the place where he would have touched me. I hold my breasts and squeeze gently, groaning in sheer bliss to myself. The tingles are still all over, running through me, buzzing violently at my core. I tilt my head backwards and press it into the pillow, moaning loudly.
Oh God, what am I doing? I demand somewhere inside my brain, as my fingers trail down my body, ever so lightly grazing the outline of my underwear. I have had some crazy fantasies in my time, doesn’t everyone? But never about someone so… close to home. Someone who makes me feel all weird and new.
“Oh, Rue,” he whispers, his words tickling all over my throat. “You are so damn beautiful.”
No one has ever made me feel beautiful before today. Even before we kissed, it was the look in his eyes as he stared at me. He made me feel really special, and I loved it. It was intoxicating. I think somewhere deep inside of me I made the decision never to go for anyone who doesn’t look at me in that way again. It’s addictive to feel good about myself, to feel like I’m attractive, maybe even sexy.
“James,” I whisper out loud I think, even though all of the action is happening inside of my head. “Oh, James.”
All of a sudden, I sense him peeling my clothes off, looking at every inch of me, as if each part of my body is just as stunning as the last. My fingers slip underneath the material and my wet heat soaks my fingers. I explore, traveling my eager fingers up and down my slit, the bliss pounding and throbbing through me as I do. In my head, it’s James touching me, using that expert feel of his to send me to heaven. Probably in the way that he had sent hundreds of girl’s heads spinning before. Maybe that should put me off him, make me want to run a hundred miles, because he could be a serious player. But instead, I find it sexy that he’s chosen me. Just for tonight, he has picked me and he’s making me the center of his attention.
“You feel so good,” he hisses as my hips flip off the bed, plunging my fingers in to me. “Rue, you feel…”
The fingers of my free hand wrap around the sheets beneath me to give me something to grip on to. I need something to connect me to the planet as these images of James make me feel everything all at once. As I circle my clit, the intensity of my emotions gets to be too much. The waves of sensation completely wash over me, rolling through, flooding me with happy feelings that could become addicting.
“Oh, shit.” Now James is naked too. Naked and coming towards me with his rock-hard penis. I rise towards him, wrapping my legs around his waist, clinging to draw him into me. “Oh fuck.”
The feeling of James plunging deep inside of me is incredible. I was on the tip of bliss before, balancing on the knife edge of desire, but his cock sends me tumbling hard into the abyss. I scream and thrash, making a mess of the bed as the orgasm shatters me hard, shutting my brain off completely. All I can do is feel, and the feelings that I have are absolutely breathtaking.
“Oh, James.” I run my fingers through my sweat slicked hair as the post orgasmic bliss takes me. I pant and gasp, unable to get any air in my lungs as I realize just how close I was to making that actually happen. We could have tumbled into bed and fooled around until we were both sated and satisfied. It would have been perfect… although very messy afterwards, I suppose. If anyone found out about us, if Mom woke up, we could have ended up in a fucking disaster, causing the whole family to fall apart. I could run away to England to escape it, but James would be stuck with it forever, and
I don’t want that to happen.
This is sad, I realize with a pain in my chest, quickly replacing the pleasure I experienced not too long ago. Really sad. The first person that I have ever really liked, and I can’t have him.
I roll on to my side and grab my cell phone, needing someone to reach out to. I don’t know what time it is in England at the moment, but Lydia did say that I could call her whenever, didn’t she? As messed up as this is, I wouldn’t mind getting some advice from her about it. She’s the sort of amazing friend who won’t judge.
“Hey there, Rue,” she answers happily, suggesting to me that it’s daytime there. “How are you?”
“Good, good.” I clamp my hands around my head. “At least, I think so. I’m not too sure.”
“I have been waiting to hear from you for ages, refusing to call you so I didn’t interrupt things.”
“Oh, always call me to interrupt things. It’s been absolutely chaos here. I can’t cope without you.”
“Ooh.” She sounds a little too excited about that. “Does that mean you will be coming home soon?”
“I don’t know.” I think about the kiss and what that might mean. I kinda want to stick around just a little bit to find out. Not that anything really can. “My stepfather is in hospital, so I need to help.”
“Oh my God! Did you know about that when you got on the plane?”
“No, it happened when I was on the plane. They think that it was a heart attack.” Urgh, it feels so heavy when I say that. “So, I have been sticking around to help. My mother isn’t exactly great in that sort of situation. Benjamin has a son, but he’s in college, so he’s busy. They need me right now.”
“Rue, please remember that this isn’t your mess. This isn’t really even your family. You didn’t go to America to look after everyone. You went to… to have an adventure and try to reconnect. To enjoy yourself.”
“Well, I’ve been doing a bit of that too,” I tell her wryly. “Reconnecting, I mean. Enough to get me in trouble.”
“Oh God, sounds like you have some drama of your own. Come on, spill the beans. Tell your bestie.”
I sigh loudly, before I continue. “Okay, but don’t judge. I have been spending time with James while looking after his father in the hospital. My mother… well, I sent her home, and we ended up going out after…”
“You slept together?” Lydia sounds horrified. “Oh my God, you slept with your stepbrother?”
“No, no, no, we just kissed.” I gulp loudly. “I know it’s weird, but there was this intense chemistry and it just kind of happened. Now I don’t know what the hell to think about it all.”
“Well, obviously you need to walk away from that situation right now. Before you end up in a real mess.”
Her answer is the obvious one, but it doesn’t stop the disappointment from crushing me. I know that I should walk away from him, because it’s the right thing to do, but I don’t want to.
“Yeah, I know. I know it shouldn’t have happened, but it was some major kiss. Seriously.”
“Yeah, I bet it was! It always is when it’s wrong. That’s how you know it shouldn’t happen. I mean, can you imagine what would happen? There is no way this can end in anything other than disaster. To me, it sounds like you have been going stir crazy because you’ve spent too long in the hospital.” Lydia’s advice sounds like it comes from a place of knowledge. I will have to ask her more when I get back to the UK. “You need to get out a bit and really explore. Don’t you have some old friends out there to reconnect with?”
“Yeah, I suppose that’s something I haven’t done yet,” I admit. “I guess I could give it a try.”
“You should. It sounds to me like you really need to. To clear your mind a bit. You need to get out there. You aren’t going to be there for too long, so you need to make the most of it. The hospital isn’t that.”
“Yeah, I guess so. You’re right. I do need to… to get out a bit more, don’t I?”
“You sure do.” Lydia’s tone is back to being bright and breezy. “So, promise me that you will?”
“Yeah… yeah, I will.” I suck back lots of air. “I’ll make sure I embrace my time here.”
I have to admit that my time here has been really stiff and constricted, all in one place. Much as I want to help my family, I also want to get out a bit. I suppose I don’t owe anyone anything. As I talk to Lydia for a little bit longer, I make plans in my mind to contact Annie, to not put it off any longer and to give it a try. She was my friend once, and even if she has changed, doesn’t mean we can’t be friends again.
By the time we say our goodbyes, I’m ready. I turn on my computer and search online to find Annie. Her life looks different than what I expected, I guess I haven’t looked too deep into her, but I don’t let that stop me from firing off a message, just to let her know that I’m in town if she wants to meet up. Nothing might come of it, but it’s worth a try. Anything is worth a try right now. Anything to get me out of the hospital and away from James, that kiss, and all of the confusing feelings he makes me feel.
Chapter Nine
James
I practically tip toe down the stairs, feeling like a stranger in the house that I grew up in as I go. I don’t know if that’s because I don’t live here anymore, or because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen next. With Mary and Rue as well. That kiss… it was crazy, wild, spur of the moment… but it meant something. At least it did to me. I guess I don’t know what I’m about to find out from her this morning, and that makes me nervous.
I wanted to end up in bed with her, that’s part of the reason why I stayed over instead of heading back home to my apartment once she went to sleep, just in case the opportunity came my way, but I’m glad that didn’t happen, because this is all confusing enough. The kiss is too much for me as it is.
The radio is on. Someone is in the kitchen, half singing along to the song playing in an out of tune manner. It can’t be Mary because she wouldn’t do anything to make herself look foolish. Even at home
It’s Rue. I knew it, but seeing her sends a spike of fear all the way through me. Oh God, what do I do?
“Good morning.” Oh God, even my voice sounds stiff and awkward. “How are you, Rue?”
She spins and looks at me with wide shocked eyes. It’s immediately obvious that she doesn’t know how to react to me either, which means we are in for a very uncomfortable morning. That’s just great.
“Er, hi.” She takes a giant sip from her coffee mug. “Yes, I’m… good. Good, how are you?”
“Just good too.” Oh God, why can’t I say anything but ‘good’? “Any plans for today?”
“I might go and see a friend today. I have been in contact with Annie. I told you about her, didn’t I?” I nod numbly. “Right, well she wants to hang out. Maybe leave Mom at the hospital today.”
“Right, sure.” If Mary is going, then I’m not. Not until later on anyway. “Yes, she will want to see him, won’t she? She’s his wife after all, isn’t she? So, I suppose there isn’t anything I can do about it.”
I don’t know if I should have said that, but then she bursts into laughter. Sometimes I forget that it’s okay for her to say bad things about her mom, but it isn’t right for me to.
“Yeah, that’s true. She will need a day to give her little show.”
The tension almost eases, just a little bit. I almost want to say something about last night, to see how she reacts, but I don’t quite manage to get those words out because Mary staggers into the kitchen, choosing the opportune moment to show her hung over face. God, I hate that woman. More, every time I see her.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” she growls, pushing away any niceties. I guess she doesn’t need to show them when my father isn’t around to witness them. “Don’t you have somewhere better to be?”
“I do have my own apartment, yes,” I reply frostily, trying to keep my temper inside so I don’t upset Rue. I can only see her in my peripheral vision, and she already se
ems pissed off. “But this is my home still, and since I’m around at the moment to help him, I figured I might as well stay here.”
Mary’s eyes dart between me and her daughter. I can practically see her put two and two together and come up with about twelve. “Ah, I see. There is someone here for you to give your attention to.”
“No, I just want to be here to make sure that I’m around for my dad.”
“Your apartment is closer to the hospital,” Mary bites back. “So cut the bull shit. And you can’t just suddenly decide that you want to be around for your dad. Where were you before he ended up in hospital, huh? Where were you when he had the damn heart attack? No where. That’s where!”
“Mom!” Rue jumps to my defense. “What the hell are you doing? Why are you making this an argument?”
“I’m just sick of James pretending that he gives a shit when he hasn’t been around. I have.” She presses her hand to her chest, making a martyr of herself. “I have been here through everything. I have been a good wife to Benjamin, I have looked after him through everything. I have supported him with his business, with his home…”
Oh God, she’s making herself out to be the perfect person, as if me and Rue are going to fall for it. We both know better. But it does piss me off that she talked about me not being around.
“The only reason I didn’t come here was because of you,” I bark loudly. “Because I can’t stand being around you, Mary. And don’t act like you’re this perfect little wife, because you aren’t. Everyone can see that you are only with my dad because of what he can offer you. This house, the lifestyle that you love, all the money in the world… it isn’t because you love my father at all. You never have, and you never will.”
I can’t stop myself from looking at Rue to see how she feels about my outburst, and I have to say she looks completely taken back by all of it. I think that I might have pushed everyone too far. I don’t even know what I’m doing here really, this isn’t my home anymore. The more time that Mary spends here, the less it’s mine.