by Brenda Ford
“You’re a spiteful little shit, James,” Mary groans. “No wonder your father is glad not to have you here. I never should have called you at the hospital, it isn’t right. He won’t want to wake up with his troublesome son by his side. That will probably give him another heart attack. You probably gave him the first one.”
“Fuck you!” I yell, a red rage of fog over coming me. “Fuck you, Mary. Just fuck you.”
I think the reason that this cuts so deep is because that thought has crossed my mind as well. I have considered the possibility that I was part of the cause because I’m not who he wants me to be, because I haven’t agreed to take over the family business, because I do cause drama with Mary, I have made my feelings known.
“Ooh, touched a little nerve there, have I?” Mary is pleased with herself, proving what a bitch she is. “Yeah well, I didn’t want to say anything before, but yes, I think you’re the one killing your father.”
“How can… how can I be the one killing him when I’m not around?”
“Mom?” Now, it’s Rue’s turn to scream. “James, both of you stop this. This is crazy. Benjamin is in hospital and he needs now, more than ever, for you to just get along. At least for show. Fucking hell.”
“Don’t swear, Rue,” Mary snaps, now playing the role of a mother.
“Oh, so I can stand around and listen to you swearing, but I can’t curse?” Rue laughs mirthlessly. “And now you think that it’s okay to try and parent me? When I’m an adult? Too late, Mary.”
“You are only twenty years old; you still need your parents. Plus, don’t forget that I was there in the beginning. I was there all the way through your younger years. I was there when you were a kid.”
“But not when I was a teenager, because I was in the way then, wasn’t I? Huh? You shipped me off to England as soon as you met Benjamin because I didn’t fit in with your life, and I just had to accept it. During the time when a girl needs her mother more than anyone in the world, you weren’t there.”
“You had your father’s young girlfriend to help you,” Mary spits back.
“Wow, Mom. Most mothers would be jealous of their kids connecting with another woman, but not you. As long as I’m not in the way. God damn it, I came back here to reconnect with you, to see if there is any relationship worth saving between us, but I guess not. I guess there isn’t anything here at all.”
The air is thick, it’s stifling, it’s hard to breathe as I watch this terrible interaction between mother and daughter. It feels all kind of wrong. I didn’t even know my own mother, and this isn’t right, I can just tell. It shouldn’t be this way at all. Mary needs to dig down and find her maternal instincts. There must be some inside of there, somewhere. Every mother has to have that, don’t they? Surely, it’s natural.
“I don’t need any of this,” Mary finally declares with an air of quiet superiority. “I am tired, I am highly agitated, I am emotional, and I need a shower before I go and see my husband at the hospital.”
“Mom, I think that we should talk about this,” Rue begs. “I don’t want this conversation to end here. I don’t want you to walk away from a fight because we have a lot to discuss, don’t you think?” She throws her hands in to the air in frustration. “This has brought up all kinds of feelings we need to work through.”
But Mary doesn’t take the chance to talk to her daughter, to make right all the wrongs. She continues to walk away and up the stairs, leaving Rue an emotional mess. I feel instantly responsible for this as well, because if I hadn’t snapped in the first place, then Mary wouldn’t have ended up yelling at Rue. I need to work out how to keep my feelings in check in the future, so I don’t keep making a mess.
“Sorry, Rue, that was fucked up,” I offer, but she simply shrugs. “Do you want to talk?”
“No.” She shakes her head hard. “No, I don’t think so. I need to get ready myself.”
As she tries to walk past me, I rest a hand on her arm, but she snatches it away. The sheer terror in her gaze tells me that she’s definitely not wanting to pick things up where we left off. Which I suppose is fine, because this isn’t the time or place. I take a tentative step backwards and hold my hands up.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to… I just want to be here for you, if I can be.”
“I don’t think anyone can be there for me right now.” She sounds like she’s fighting back the emotion. I have a feeling that tears will fall the moment we step away from one another. “I just need to go. I need to get out of here and away from her, before she makes me lose my damn mind. Before I… I freak out…”
I hate myself for stepping back and letting her go, but I do it anyway. She seems like she needs to go right now, and I have to let her. She doesn’t know me well enough to want to open up. And that kiss last night, the one that meant so damn much to me, was just a drunken thing. A heat of the moment thing.
Maybe this is my karma. Apparently, despite me always trying to be honest, I have broken hearts, so this might be pay back. I feel too much for the girl that I can’t have, and she doesn’t feel anything for me.
Chapter Ten
Rue
Relief floods through me as I leave that damn house behind me, including my mother. I can’t deal with any of this right now. I don’t know what she’s playing at, why she’s attacking everyone in sight, it doesn’t feel right. As much as it sucks her being a bitch to him, with James I can understand, because they clearly have a toxic history. But she sent me away, and she’s also going off on me. Not to mention, I’m helping her out and that’s not what I came here for. Why do I deserve that?
It stews up inside of me, filling me with rage. Even remembering my dad talk about my mother’s terrible mood swings and tendency to lash out at anyone and everyone in sight doesn’t make me feel better. She clearly does it to everyone, but I still don’t think I deserve it.
And then there is the whole mess with James… well, that is something I don’t even want to consider now. Lydia’s advice rockets through me, telling me to get the hell away from him. I’ve just got to get out and explore more of America to make sure that I don’t fall into that trap again, which is why I’m so glad that Annie messaged me back. I can’t wait to get to this coffee shop, spend some time with someone who knows me and doesn’t know me in equal measures. This is exactly what I need for a distraction today.
I inhale deeply as soon as I push the door open, loving the scent of coffee as it tickles my nostrils. This will be my first real caffeine drink that isn’t all stressful and hard to drink.
“Rue!” Annie’s voice infects my ears, bringing a smile to my face. “Oh my God, Rue, you really are here.”
She bounds across to me and envelops me in a deep hug. She might look like a different person to who she was all those years ago, but she smells the same which is very reassuring. Her shampoo sends me back to a time when life was a whole lot simpler. Before the Robert’s family came into our lives.
“Hey, Annie,” I reply warmly. “How are you? It’s so good to see you after all of this time.”
I pull back to stare at her and feel oddly emotional as we look at one another. There might even be a hot prick of tears spiking behind my eyes. I chalk that up to the roller coaster of a day I have had.
“I’m going to get a drink.” I step away so that she doesn’t see my tears. I don’t want Annie to think that I have lost my mind. “Do you want anything? Another coffee or a hot chocolate or something?”
“Nah, I’m good thanks. I just got one. I will see you in a second.”
I gather myself up as I order my drink and try and shove my emotions to one side. This isn’t a time for me to get all riled up about everything. I just want to be here with my friend.
“Okay, come on.” Annie looks expectantly as I take my seat. “What’s going on? How come you’re back”
“Well… now that is a story.” I roll my eyes to give her a bit of an idea what she’s about to face. “I came back because I finished college and it
just felt like the right time to try and make things right with Mom.”
Annie’s face hardens. “Your mother? Why would you ever want to see her again? I will never be able to forgive her for what she did to you. Sending you away like that, was all kinds of wrong.”
“I know, I know. But I just thought that it might be a good plan. To start adulthood on a clean slate.”
“Let me guess.” Annie folds her arms across her chest. “It hasn’t exactly gone too well.”
“You could say that. Just as I arrived, her husband collapsed and was taken to hospital. Heart attack, they said. So, that has become all kinds of dramatic, as I’m sure you can imagine.”
“I bet she’s relishing in the ‘almost a widow’ role. God, I can just picture it now.”
“Yep,” I shoot back, popping the P. “And she’s been lashing out at everyone. Me, James…”
“James?” Her eyes nearly fall out of her head. “Hot James that you have always had a crush on?”
Right, of course. I forgot that I shared my crush with my best friend at the time. Why wouldn’t I? That’s one of the best things about being young and feeling like you’re in love, sharing it with your friends.
“Yes, that James.” I can feel a heat racing up to my cheeks. Much as I don’t want it to appear, it will anyway. “Anyway, she lost her mind with him and was a massive bitch. When I tried to stand up for him, she went in on me as well.” I shake my head, trying not to get all worked up again. “It was a nightmare.”
“Well, that’s hardly a surprise, is it, with your mother? What I’m interested in is James. Is he still hot?”
“Annie, this is basically my stepbrother,” I scold her. “Don’t be crazy. I don’t know if he’s hot.”
“Yes, you do. You know you do.” She nods determinedly, a sly smile on her face. “And the family link didn’t seem to matter to you when you used to spend your days obsessing over him.”
“I was a kid then. Now I’m an adult and I can see how weird that is…”
“Why? Benjamin and your mother aren’t exactly going to last forever. He will wise up eventually.”
She can see right through me; I can feel it. She knows that something is going on, and to be honest since Lydia’s advice was so blunt and so the opposite to what I want to hear, I can’t help wanting to reach out for some other opinions from someone else. And this will be different, won’t it? Annie knows another me.
“Well… if I’m totally honest, things did get a little crazy last night and we kissed.” Oh God, now I really am like a young girl again, sharing my fantasy crush with my friend. “It shouldn’t have happened, but after a long day alone at the hospital together, talking and really getting to know one another, plus dinner and a couple of drinks… well, it just happened, didn’t it? And now I don’t know what to do about it.”
“Oh my God, that is scandalous,” Annie squeals. “But in the best way. I love it. You and him are destiny, I always used to tell you that. Do you remember? I knew that you would end up together.”
“Will you stop it?” I laugh. “Maybe we used to say that when we were kids, but this shit is real now. You don’t end up together with your first crush, do you? Life just doesn’t happen that way.”
“It has for me.” All of a sudden, she flashes me a ring that I didn’t notice before. “You remember Alex? Who I was obsessed with throughout school? Well, after a few ups and downs, a very bumpy road, we’re engaged. And I knew that we would end up together because it’s destiny, isn’t it? It always has been. No one could ever make me feel like he does. We just have a connection, you know? That undeniable chemistry.”
I do know. I know exactly what she’s talking about, which is half of the problem. The reason I caved to kissing James, the reason I made the first move, is because of the sizzling chemistry between us, unlike anything I have ever experienced before. James gives me something that I don’t want to let go of.
As I admire Annie’s ring and I listen to her telling me all about her wonderful relationship with Alex, I wonder if me and James could have something similar. If we let it. I appreciate what Lydia said to me and the advice that she gave, and I also appreciate what Annie has said to me as well. Now, I just need to work out which way I’m going to go. If I’m going to be sensible and follow my head or get swept away with my heart. I don’t usually swim along with my heart because I know how much trouble it can get me in.
“So, anyway, how long are you back in America?” Annie lands on the next hot subject. “Because I don’t know how much you know about where my life is now, but me and Alex actually have an editing company. You were always amazing at English Literature and Language, weren’t you? Top of the class?”
“That’s actually what I went on to study at college,” I confirm. “Well, that and history.”
She nods knowingly. “That doesn’t surprise me, and I bet you did incredibly?”
“I didn’t do bad.” I furrow my eyebrows at my friend. “What are you getting at here?”
“Well, if you were thinking about sticking around, and you wanted any reason to stay other than super hot James, I would absolutely love you to come and work for me. We’re growing all the time and constantly looking for new editors to come and join the team. It would be perfect for you, wouldn’t it?”
“Yes… it would,” I can’t help but confess. “Just the sort of job that I would love, but I don’t think that I will be here for long enough to make it work. This isn’t supposed to be a long term trip. Thank you for the offer.”
“What if your steamy little romance takes off though? Huh?” Annie wiggles her eyebrows. “You will want to stick around for that, won’t you? And don’t tell me that it won’t, because you can’t know that.”
I part my lips, ready to argue with her, but nothing comes out. I don’t really have any disagreement with that. To be honest, I don’t know what the truth is. I don’t know what will happen in the future. I didn’t come here with any intention to stay, but now… well, now I don’t know what I want. Everything is all mixed up. I might not have my mother, but there seem to be other opportunities here waiting for me.
“Just come and see the office with me,” Annie pleads. “Not today, but another day. Alex will want to see you as well. He remembers me and you being close. I’m sure that he would love to say hi.”
I nod slowly. “Okay, I could come and see the office. I would love to see your success either way.”
“Yeah, my life has turned out pretty good.” She smiles, almost to herself. “I didn’t think that I could get so lucky, so young. You should stick around so that maybe some of it will rub off on you.”
“That is weirdly tempting,” I laugh. “I kinda like the idea of it. I could use some damn luck.”
“Some luck and love, and it seems like we might have it all for you here.”
I stare at Annie, wondering how much she really believes this. Things might have worked out well for her and Alex, but they don’t have the complicated web that me and James need to overcome.
“Do you really think this is going to turn in to something, Annie? Because it’s going to get messy before it gets better, isn’t it? There’s no way to avoid all the complications that will come with it.”
“True. But there is only one way to find out if it’s going to be all worth it.”
Oh God, I bet it will be worth everything and anything, all the shit that is bound to come our way, but will I be able to handle it? Am I strong enough, mentally and physically, to take it all on? Only time will tell.
Chapter Eleven
James
“I’m so sorry to hear about your father,” Leo says sympathetically to me. “That must really suck.”
Leo is Noah’s friend really, another teacher at the academy, but he’s slowly becoming my friend too. I appreciate these kind words from him. It’s nice to know that I am cared about. Even if it isn’t by the people inside my own home… or I suppose not my home anymore. My lonely apartment is my home
.
“It sucks having to spend time with Mary,” I sigh heavily. “She’s being a real pain in my ass.”
“You need to make your father see what she’s like,” Noah jumps in. “He has to understand that he’s married to a monster. I know that you say you’ve tried in the past, but you need to again. It’s more important now.”
I roll my eyes. “I would love to, but I really don’t think he’s going to listen. He never has done. It’s like he’s blinded by her. He can’t see who she is at all. Either he’s so in love with her that he doesn’t get it, or he has his head buried in the sand. I just don’t know if he is ever going to see it.”
“Maybe the heart attack will make him smarter.” Noah shrugs. “You never know.”
“I suppose so. I don’t know. I don’t hold up too much hope. We’ll see.”
I glance around at the street next to the restaurant, needing a distraction from this heavy conversation. I came out with Noah and Leo today to get a break from everything that’s going on, but it seems that I am right back in the middle of it. In the constant drama of my life that never seems to end.
Oh my God. My heart stops beating as I realize I really am in the middle of it all. Is that…?
Yes, of course it is, because why would I be allowed to get away? Why would I be allowed a moment of respite? On the other side of the street, inside a nearby café, Rue is sitting with the friend I assume that she was talking about today. Looking as beautiful as she ever, her red wavy hair tied up in a ponytail, a smile spread across her face making her look like a sunny model in my eyes. I stiffen up, unsure how the hell I’m supposed to react to this. She can’t see me, she hasn’t looked this way at all, but there is no telling when she might. I don’t know how she’ll react after this morning when she looks at me. It’s all messy and comfortable.