So Wrong, So Right

by Brenda Ford

  “Oh my God, Noah, she’s just gone. We’re in love but she’s gone. She doesn’t care about me at all.”

  I hate saying this to Noah, because it proves that he has been right about everything all along. He has always told me that this whole love thing won’t work out for me, and he’s right. Maybe Mary has been right all along as well. She knew something about Rue that I didn’t. Oh God, what if they are more similar than I ever wanted to see. I can’t imagine Rue as a gold digger, but I can’t picture her doing this either.

  “Fucking hell, Noah, what are we going to do?” I groan. “Shit, what am I going to…”

  My words trail off as I see something else that I didn’t notice before leaning up against the coffee machine. Rue knows that’s where I head when I first wake up, so she knows that I will see this first. She wanted me to see it first which really freaks me the fuck out. I don’t think I’m going to like what I see here.

  “Noah, there is a letter.” I grip the phone tighter to my ear. So hard I think that it might be leaving a mark. “She really has gone, and she’s left me a note. Fuck, I can’t read a letter from her.”

  “You need to, buddy,” he tells me softly. “You need to find out what is going on. I can stay on the phone while you read it if you want. I know that this isn’t going to be easy for you. I want to help as much as I can.”

  “No,” I reply instantly. “I think that this might be something I need to do alone.”

  I don’t know what part of me makes me decide this, but it feels like the right thing to do. I don’t know if I even say goodbye to Noah before I hang up the phone, I just cut him off. The distance between me and the letter feels like a million miles and I don’t know how I’m going to make that journey over there. If I wasn’t so damn worried about Rue’s state of mind, I don’t think that I would be able to do it at all.

  Somehow, the inner strength makes itself known, and I close the gap between me and the letter. Admittedly, it does take me a couple of moments to reach out and grab it, but it’s progress, however slowly it’s happening. I trace my finger over the curly letters that she has written, my heart shattering as I do. I haven’t ever been in this position before, being left in such a way, but that’s because I haven’t ever let anyone in like this. I don’t know if I will ever be able to let anyone in again. She might have closed me off for good.

  “Why did you do this to me, Rue?” I ask to no one as I peel the letter apart. “Why wasn’t I enough?”

  I wanted to be enough for Rue, that’s pretty much all I have ever wanted, since she came crashing into my life like a fucking hurricane. I wanted to be everything that she needed and so much more. But I obviously wasn’t. She wouldn’t have run away from me like she did if she loved me enough.

  Dear James…

  God, even those words are hard for me to read. It kills me for it to be more formal.

  …The time that we have spent together has been amazing, but it’s time for us to accept that it just can’t work. Not long term anyway. We have had fun, but that’s all it can ever be when our families don’t agree with us.

  “No,” I cry out, shaking my head hard. “No, Rue, it wasn’t just fun. It was real, and you know it.”

  …I’m sorry for things to end this way, I never wanted anyone to get hurt, but pain seems to be a big part of our every day now. You are hurting, so am I, and the things that we are doing to our parents is terrible. It isn’t working. America isn’t working for me. It isn’t the life that I want.

  I can tell that she was in an emotional state when she wrote this because the letter is all over the place, but that just makes it even harder to read because I don’t know how much she means any of it. It feels like this is life changing in the worst way possible, and it might not be what she really wants.

  …I have a flight booked; I am going back to England which is where my real life is. I need that and I think you know it. I came to reconnect with my mother, to see if things could be different between us, but instead I got swept up in this American fantasy with you. It was nice while it lasted, but it was just a dream.

  “It wasn’t.” I grip the page tightly between my fingers. “It could have been real if you let it.”

  …I want you to be happy, James. I want that for both of us, so we need to view this as a clean break. Please, respect my opinion, respect my decision, and respect my need for space. It will hurt to cut you off completely, but if we drag this on any longer, it will destroy all the good memories that we have of one another.

  Let this lie, please don’t contact me, thank you for everything that you did for me though.

  Let’s have happy memories. I will always have love for you. Rue.

  Everyone else destroyed us, it wasn’t me and her. We were good, we could have made it work, but her fucking mother tore us apart. Not that it matters who I blame now. What’s done is done. She doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. We’re over for good. She has gone to the other side of the world.

  My heart breaks and my body crumbles. With the letter still in my hands, I fall to the floor and give up. I don’t know where I go from here. I don’t know if I can continue…

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Rue

  Two Years Later…

  Why am I doing this? I think to myself as we soar in the air, above the clouds, back towards the one place I never thought I would end up going back to. Running away from America seemed like the only solution at the time, two years ago, I couldn’t think of any way around it. I needed space from everyone to sort my head out. Then when I got back and I returned to my home, my father, Kira, Lydia, the life that was comfortable, I didn’t want to go back ever again. It made me see that I was settled at home, where I could breathe…

  Of course, I have felt bad over the last couple of years, especially at all of the hospital appointments and as my belly grew. Especially when Sierra was born, and her father wasn’t around to see it. But I ran out in the middle of the night, and left James a note to tell him that I wasn’t coming back. It scared me to come back from that. So, I just kept putting it off… and off… and off… until now where my daughter is one year old, and he still doesn’t know. I don’t know if I can ever let him know to be honest. I just hope that I don’t see him again…

  Oh God. I pull my sleeping child closer to me and hug her tight, remembering all of the hysterical phone calls from my mother, the ones that managed to pull me back to America to help her. It seems that Benjamin finally wised up to who she is, I can’t work out the truth of how just yet, because the story keeps changing, and she can’t cope with life on her own. The divorce has been hard, she hasn’t gotten what she wants from it, and now she doesn’t understand how to live alone, how to do the simplest of things by herself.

  At first, I didn’t have any sympathy for her because I know that she brought this on herself. And considering the way that she treated me when I was with James, she doesn’t deserve anything from me at all. But over time, she wore me down. I couldn’t stop myself from starting to feel sorry for her, and I convinced myself that she reached out to me because she’s so desperate. She wouldn’t have otherwise. If she had any other option.

  Buying the ticket felt like the right thing to do, I guess I’m still hoping for the redemption that we didn’t get two years ago, and getting on the plane felt okay as well, but now I’m getting closer I don’t know what to think. Mom doesn’t even know about Sierra, so I don’t know how she’s going to take it. Perhaps it would have been better to leave her at home, when Dad offered to baby sit. But I couldn’t leave her for that long. Me and Sierra have been just me and her since the day that she was born, and that’s the way it’s going to stay.

  “It’s going to be okay,” I whisper to my sleeping child, but more for my own benefit. “It will.”

  It’s America causing this anxiety, it’s the thought of being back in the place where I suffered the most drama in my life. England has always been a calm, carefree place for me to live, eve
n with a newborn baby. There are no lows… but I suppose it means I don’t get the incredible highs either. Since I haven’t communicated anything with him, I have done my best to push James to the back of my mind, and thankfully, I have been distracted, but now he’s at the fore front of my mind. All I can think about is me and him and the way that we used to be, back when times were good. Back when he loved me with every inch of himself. When he used to gaze at me like I was the best thing that ever happened to him and nothing would tear us apart.

  I can’t stop a tear from pricking behind my eyes as I remember the way that he used to look at me, making me feel amazing about myself. No one would ever be able to make me feel like he did. I guess it was just a one time thing that won’t ever come into my life again. I should see myself as lucky for ever having it at all. I suppose some people go through life without ever experiencing it, so at least I have the memories.

  I don’t want to get lost in the idea of what could have been because there isn’t any changing the last couple of years. Of course, things wouldn’t have turned out like this if I had told James that I was having a baby and stuck around, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it would have been better. It could have been so much worse. With my mother and Benjamin, it could have been dreadful. I don’t even want to think about it.

  I lean my head back on the chair and let one of the tears slide down my face. All I can do is hope that I don’t see him again while I’m here helping Mom, because I don’t know how I would be able to explain this away. The child that’s his, that he never knew anything about. It would rip us apart even further than we already are.

  Things better be different with my mother now. She better be a nicer, more humble person who wants to treat me with respect. This whole trip better not be for nothing or I will lose my damn mind. If I leave America in bad terms this time around, I will never ever return. My mother will lose out on everyone and everything. Her daughter, not that I think she cares about that, and her granddaughter as well…

  “Oh my God.” Mom claps her hands to her mouth as soon as she sees me holding Sierra in my arms. “You have a child?” The tears start streaming flow faster down her face. I think that they have been around ever since the divorce but they kinda look much happier now. “I didn’t know that you were having a baby.”

  “Er, yes.” It feels awkward. I don’t know if that’s just me. “I haven’t spoken to you much…”

  “No, well as you can imagine I have been very busy with the divorce.” I try not to get irritated by the fact that she has instantly turned the subject back around to herself. Even a child isn’t enough to keep her focus on anything other than herself. “It’s been hell. Benjamin has treated me like shit. He has been awful.”

  I lean Sierra’s head against my chest, more worried about her than my mother. She isn’t awake yet, she opened her eyes a little when I was getting off the plane, but that was about it. I don’t know what sort of mood she will be in when she wakes up, but it isn’t going to be great, if my mother is still stressing.

  “Well, you can tell me all about it when we get back to the place where you’re staying… where is that?”

  “A hotel,” she growls. “I don’t have a place of my own yet. Since Benjamin has left me with nothing.”

  “Well is there going to be enough room in your room with Sierra? I know that you weren’t expecting her.”

  “How much room does a baby need?” She shrugs her shoulders. “I’m sure it will be fine. We can work it out.”

  God, did she even look after me when I was young? Babies might be small, but the stuff that comes with them is insane. Pretty much everything in my suitcase is Sierra’s. I want to make a snippy remark about it, like I would have done in the past but having a baby has helped me to grow up and mature. I know now that not everything needs to be said. Especially if it isn’t going to help the situation. I’m here now, I might as well give my mom a chance while I’ve made it. See what happens if I just keep my mouth shut.

  “We will get a room of our own. I don’t want her keeping you up all night.” I grab my case and pull it along.

  “Does she still wake up in the night?” Mom snaps, rolling her eyes. “Isn’t she a bit old for that now?”

  Oh God, biting my tongue is going to be harder than I thought, but I will do what I can. I’ll make sure that I keep my cool for as long as I can, just until I have Mom sorted. Then maybe it will be back to the UK once more.

  I rub my hand over Sierra’s sleeping body as she sleeps soundly in the cot. Thank God, because Mom has been going on for hours, and the language being used when it comes to Benjamin is dreadful. She is saying a few words now and I don’t want her picking up on my mother’s dreadful tones.

  “…he is just a disgusting man,” she sneers. “The way that he’s thrown me out and left me with nothing. You tried to talk to me about it and warn me against him two years ago and I wouldn’t listen.”

  “Erm…” That isn’t what happened at all. The only thing that I didn’t like about their relationship was her and her attitude towards me and James. But she seems to be almost delusional now in her rant. “Well…”

  “I just wish that I had listened and divorced him back then because I would have ended up with more.”

  “It isn’t just the money though, is it, Mom? I can only assume that you’re missing more…”

  She completely ignores me. She turns on her heels and paces the room while continuing to rant about Benjamin. To be honest, she’s making it completely obvious that she was only ever after him for the cash. I knew it and I know that James did as well, but does she need to be so crass? Can she not just act like she loved him?

  “I don’t get it though, Mom,” I finally interrupt. “What sparked the divorce?”

  “He was just being an asshole.” She shakes her head hard. “It just came from nowhere.”

  I narrow my eyes at her. “But that makes no sense. The last time I saw you, it seemed like you were very happy together. Did you start getting miserable? Were you arguing? Why would he just decide not to be with you?”

  She shrugs but doesn’t meet my eyes. I don’t think she’s telling me the full truth which is hard to digest. If I have come all the way here to help her then why won’t she just be honest? I deserve the truth.

  “I don’t know, Rue, I don’t understand why he made this decision. It doesn’t make any sense to me.” But then her face crumbles and I can see that she’s broken. Whatever happened, Mom has been hurt by this which just reminds me that I am here to do a good thing. She can’t be alone right now. She won’t cope. “It hurts.”

  I pull Mom towards me and hug her close, wishing that I could take some of her agony away. It’s definitely more the other way around with me and her, I’m far more the parent than she is, but maybe that’s okay. If we find a way to make it work for us, then that’s all we need.

  “I am here for you, Mom,” I tell her quietly. “Don’t worry, everything will be fine. I promise you.”

  Now, I just need to find a way to make that a promise that I can keep.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  James

  “You’ve done it.” Noah clinks his glass against mine in a celebratory cheers gesture. “I mean, I always knew that you would, but this is brilliant. I’m so freaking proud of you. You’ve finished your post grad and now it’s time for you get your ass out in to the world to do whatever it is that you want to do.”

  “I’m coming for your job,” I tease him. “I’m going to kick ass as a teacher. So, watch your back.”

  Leo laughs loudly and nods at me. “Yeah, I think you will be better at Noah’s job than he is.”

  “Well, anything to stop me having to work at the family company.” I roll my eyes. “Now that I’m done, Dad has started on about that again even though I’m not qualified at all to work with him.”

  “Aww, he’s just doing that because he loves you. He wants to make sure that your future is okay.”

  �
�My future will be fine. Whatever I end up doing, my future will be okay. I’m not worried.”

  Noah and Leo both grin at me, knowing that I’m determined enough to make sure I get whatever I want out of life. Especially in the last couple of years. I had a lot of pain two years ago when the future that I was fighting for fell apart, but I found a way to channel it into my work and now, it’s paid off. I ended up with top marks, and the world is my oyster. Combined with my work experience with Noah, I have one hell of a resume.

  “So, where are you going to start?” Leo asks me. “Do you have any plans?”

  “I have a lot of plans; I just don’t know which one I’m going to go with yet. Tonight, I just want to celebrate this bog achievement and I can worry about my future tomorrow. Once the hang over has passed.”

  “You planning to drink well into the night?” Noah starts with a glint in his eyes. “Or do you want to celebrate in another way? Because there are a couple of girls over there giving you the eye.”

  I glance over to where he means to see some gorgeous women winking at us. I suppose I could go over there and buy them a drink, see if it could lead to a night in the sack with one of them to blow off some steam, but I don’t know if I have the energy for the small talk with someone who I’m not really interested in. I can’t be bothered with it. And they aren’t going to interest me, are they? No one has in the last two years. Not since her. The way that Rue broke me has impacted me since, and I don’t think it will ever stop. I won’t ever let anyone in again properly, because I know how badly I can break. Plus, to be perfectly honest, there hasn’t been anyone to captivate me like Rue did, which is probably for the best. That was all too much.

  “Nah, I don’t think so.” I shake my head. “I can’t be bothered with it. I would rather hang out with you guys.”