by Dixon, Ruby
I gasp, my hand going to my throat. “But…I didn’t kill anyone.”
“Oh, sweetness.” Bethiah gives me a warm smile. “No one cares. You’re human, precious. That’s all they need to make an open and shut case. They don’t care about getting this bag of szzt dung back to them. They just want to clean another problem off their desks.”
A cold shiver of fear races through me. No wonder Nassakth has been freaking out.
He moves forward behind me and puts a big hand on my shoulder. It’s warm and comforting and I feel better just at that small touch. Some of my terror goes away. Nassakth won’t let anything happen to me. He just won’t.
“But like I said, it’s good news,” Bethiah says brightly. “We can get this guy off your tail no problem.”
“How is this possibly good news?” I ask.
Nassakth’s hand seems to tighten on my shoulder ever so slightly as Bethiah glances at him.
“Because we know where the body is,” Bethiah continues. “We can just hand it over and be done.”
49
KIM
For a moment, it doesn’t register what Bethiah is saying. How does she know where the body of some stranger is? Then it hits me.
I turn to Nassakth. “No.”
His jaw clenches in that stubborn way of his. “You do not understand.”
I really, really don’t. Because right now, I’m a little terrified of the answer I might get. “You know where this guy is hiding?” I ask, feeling faint. Please, please let him know where this guy is hiding.
Nassakth crosses his arms over his chest.
Bethiah coughs.
I feel like a candle that’s just been snuffed out. “He’s not hiding, is he? He’s dead, and you know what happened.”
Nassakth just watches me. There's sadness in his eyes, and disappointment, too. As if he's disappointed in my response. Does he think I should be praising him?
"So the good news is that we can just, I don't know, hack off a nice juicy foot from the corpse and hand it over to Jamef," Bethiah announces. "Then the bounty hunter’s out of our hair. Problem solved, everyone goes home happy."
"Did you kill this guy?" I whisper, not tearing my gaze away from Nassakth.
His eyes are calm. Unfazed. But so, so disappointed. "We will speak privately of this, Kim." He turns and looks at Bethiah. "You have done enough damage this day. If you wish to collect the rest of your fees at all, you will leave here at once."
"Right. I can sense that you're not super thrilled with me right now, kitty cat, but I'm okay with that." Bethiah moves to my side and pats my shoulder. "Even though she's human and we all know they're a little 'simple,' I think she deserves to know what's going on around here." She leans in and whispers in my ear. "I'll come by in a few days to pick up the rest of my truth fee, Cheem. You're welcome."
With that, she pats me on the back and leaves the house, and then I'm alone with Nassakth.
We stare at each other for a long moment, and I realize just how much of a stranger he is to me. How long have we really known each other? A week? I know hardly anything about him at all, it seems, other than what he chooses to tell me. It could all be lies, spun to get me to lower my guard.
That hurts more than anything.
"Well?" I manage around the knot in my throat. "Don't you think we should talk about this?"
"I do not," he says flatly. "I do not think we should talk about any of this, but it seems that we must." His jaw flexes, and he looks like he wants to smash something. "Come and sit, Kim, and I will tell all that I can."
All that he “can.” Yeah. Somehow I suspect that's a lot less than I really want to know, and it makes me angry. "Why is it that I find out more about what's going on from that shitty bounty hunter than from the man I'm mated to?"
"Because she feels no obligation to keep you safe," he snaps back. "I, however, value you for more than just your wallet."
"Apparently not that much! What have you lied to me about? Everything? Has anything you said to me been the truth?"
"I have not lied to you about everything," Nassakth growls, and then admits, "Though I have omitted some things."
Oh great, so we're splitting hairs. Scowling, I clench my fists and tremble with rage. I want to hit something, and I look around the house. I spot the mess of crumbs Bethiah has left on the counter, along with a half-eaten meat pocket. I stomp over to it and pick it up. "We can start here. Do you like these?"
"No," he says flatly. "I am a meat eater. Is this how you really want to proceed, Kim? You want to pick apart what we have so you can feel victorious over me?"
"I don't know! Maybe I do!" I fling the pocket into the sink, enjoying the wet splat it makes. "Maybe I want to know just who I'm dealing with. Are you even a gladiator? Is your name Nassakth?"
He stalks into the kitchen, a furious look on his face. "You think I have lied to you about that?"
"I don't know!" I back up a few steps, until I press up against the counter. "I don't know what to think!"
The praxiian stops, and the look on his face is utterly crushed. "You think I would hurt you?"
I swallow hard. An hour ago, I would have said “never.” But an hour ago, everything was different. "I think I need answers before I can trust you for anything."
His eyes are sorrowful. Defeated. "Ask what you will, then, and I will answer you, even though it goes against everything that I am."
I nod toward the door. This feels a bit like poking a wound, but how can I not ask? How can I ignore the truth just because Nassakth makes sad eyes at me? "Who's the guy that the bounty hunters are looking for?"
The look on Nassakth's face would almost be comical if the situation weren't so dire. He grimaces as if tasting something awful, and then sighs heavily. "His name is Kolvir al’Naanti and he is a slaver. I became aware of him when you invited him over to your home. You wish to know the truth? All of the truth? Sometimes you are very foolish, Kim, because you put out an ad and told all the unscrupulous males in the area that you were alone and vulnerable and looking for a male."
I flinch. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but…he's right. I don't think like a dangerous criminal, and so I see everything differently than they would. When he says it like that…I feel as foolish as he says I am.
"Do you know what could have happened to you? Do you know how many males I had to chase away to keep you safe? And when this one would not take the hint, I investigated him. I found out that you had invited a notorious slaver right to your door. Do you know what he planned to do with you, Kim? He was going to return to your home that evening, drug you and kidnap you, and take you to the nearest space station and sell you to a brothel. He was not interested in your property. He was not interested in marrying you. He was interested in only making a few quick credits. And do you know who cares about what happens to humans on this end of the galaxy, Kim?"
"No one," I whisper, feeling sick. No one cares. We're nothing to them. If he's right, then I almost cost myself…everything. Eight months of freedom and hard work, almost gone in a flash because I was stupid and trusting.
"Me," Nassakth growls. He storms forward, thumping a hand on his chest. "I care, Kim. I have always cared about you. And so I took care of the problem." His nostrils flare, and his expression grows serious. "I took care of him…like I took care of my master. And now you know my ugly secrets. I am not a good man, Kim. I am a murderer and a runaway slave who killed his master to get away. This is the truth I have hid from you.“
50
KIM
I gape. That’s all I can do.
To find out that Nassakth, my protective, caring mate—openly admits to cold-blooded murder—is more than a little shocking. I need time to process this.
He takes a step toward me and I raise a hand in the air. “Don’t.”
“I did not tell you because this is the reaction I feared,” he says thickly. His expression is proud, his shoulders straight. “Do not ask me if I regret my acti
ons, because you already know that answer.”
I do. He regrets nothing. It’s obvious in his stance, in the defiant look on his face. He killed two men in cold blood and he’d do it again in a heartbeat. This isn’t quite the same as an arena fight, where both parties go in knowing what’s expected of them. This is different, and I’m not sure I can reconcile it.
“I need to gather my thoughts,” I say faintly.
“Do you…” His jaw clenches, and at his side, his fist tightens. His tail flicks. “Do you want me to take you back to your home?”
I shake my head. “It’s not safe. You heard what she said. You were there. I’m not safe there anymore. I’m not safe anywhere.” As I say the words, I realize that’s why I’m so cold and wooden-feeling right now. I felt safe with Nassakth. I felt safe for the first time in years and years, and now it’s been stripped away from me again. “I’m trapped here with you, whether I like it or not.”
He flinches.
For some silly reason, I hate that I hurt his feelings. My soft heart doesn’t like causing him pain, even if he’s a stranger to me, a stranger that lied over and over again. “I didn’t mean it like that,” I say gently. “But I do need time to figure things out. It’s a lot to take in.”
He remains still, the only movement the agitated flick of his tail. “Ask me anything else and I will answer with honest truth, even if I wish to tear my tongue out first.”
Jeez. That seems a little extreme, but given the secrets he’s lobbed at me, it’s probably an accurate description of how he feels right now. I cross my arms over my chest and belatedly realize I’m still in my towel, and my hair is half-dried with soap in it. An hour ago, I was in the shower with Nassakth, drowsy with the aftermath of the most incredible night ever…and now that Kim feels like a stranger to me.
Just like Nassakth does.
But he’s offering me the truth right now, and I guess I should take him up on it, no matter how badly I want to retreat to the bedroom and just cry. “Are there any other secrets you’re keeping?”
He thinks for a moment. “I have been secretive for a long time,” Nassakth admits. “As a slave who is aging out and plotting escape, I was not able to trust in another. Sharing even a hint of my true thoughts could have ended in death for me. I am…trying.” He rubs his jaw, considering. “I did not like the meat pockets because of the strange material wrapped around them.”
“Bread.” Like bread matters right now.
He nods. “But I ate it because you worked hard, and it made me happy that you created something like that just for me. I would eat it every day if it made you smile.” He shrugs, still thinking. “I…watched you, before. I do not know if you know that, but now you do. I watched you, because I saw you in port one day and you smiled and laughed so happily that it made me warm just to see you. I followed you back to your homestead and watched you for many days. When I saw you had no mate, I left a kill at your doorstep to let you know of my interest.”
And I’d put an ad up to shop for a husband, and invited a slaver right into my house. “You…did you kill the first guy?”
“First guy?”
“The first mesakkah that came to my home and answered my ad?”
“No.” He looks guilty for a moment. “I did make it quite clear to him as he left that he was not welcome, though. He said he had no wish to mate you anyhow, but I let him know you were claimed and he was never to speak to you again.” Nassakth glances over at me. “I also made it quite clear to several males in town that they were not to approach you.”
I sigh. Here I thought I’d been a pariah because of my age, and Nassakth was silently discouraging suitors on the down-low. In a way, it makes me feel better…but also makes me feel much, much worse. He’s been so sneaky. “I see.”
“I still think like a slave, sometimes,” he admits quietly. “I worry all the things I have acquired will be taken from me. I fight dirty to claim what I want. I do not feel shame for this, because it is how I have been molded. But I am letting you know that it is who I am. I have never claimed to be a good, honest male, Kim. I am the Arena Scourge of Askorthi Prime. Old now, but still that same gladiator with a ruthless instinct to survive and it makes it very hard for me to trust.” He squeezes a fist over his heart. “Right now, I feel as if I am being laid bare, but I do this for you.”
I nod. What else can I do? “This is just…a lot. I need to think.”
“Of course. Take all the time you need.”
“Are you…going to show Bethiah where he is buried? The…guy?”
Nassakth gives a brief nod. “If you wish to see, I will show you, but I would prefer not to.”
I think I’d prefer that, too. I don’t want to see some guy being dug up from a shallow grave. I can endure a lot, but some things…some things are better left alone. “No thank you. I’m going to go finish washing up. And then I’m going to nap.” When he takes a step toward me, I raise a hand in the air to stop him. “Alone. I’m…probably going to be sleeping alone for a bit.”
The look on his face is stoic. “Of course. Whatever you need, Kim.”
I gaze at him, wondering how he can look so intensely handsome and be so much of a stranger at the same time. This proud man who held me so tenderly also killed two people in cold blood. He’s lied to me at every turn. I can’t forget that, no matter how much I want to go up to him and kiss his frown away.
So I leave the room, retreating to the bedchamber. I close the door behind me, and in the bathroom, I don’t get into the shower. The shower feels…intimate. It feels like “our” space together and right now, I can’t do that. I climb into the pool-like bathtub instead, and sink into the hot water up to my neck.
And I think.
51
KIM
By the time I get out of the tub, I feel better. More centered. I’ve had time to think through my feelings. My initial knee-jerk reaction to hearing that Nassakth murdered two people was wrong. Okay, maybe “murdered” isn’t the right word. He took care of a problem I didn’t know I had. He’s been protecting me, even when I thought I had the situation under control. I can’t fault him for killing a slaver. I certainly can’t fault him for killing two of them, especially when one was his master.
Of course he killed his master. From what it sounded like, the guy was cruel and planning on killing Nassakth. He robbed him of a life, for all that Nassakth went willingly into slavery. He wasn’t going to let Nassakth win his freedom or pay him a portion of his earnings. Instead, I remember what he told me—that he had one plant given to him and he worked so very hard to keep it alive. I think of how much that plant meant to him. I think of this house, filled with greenery, and the care Nassakth takes with them. I think of how careful his big hands are.
I think of how careful he is with me.
He’s a good man. He’s had a hard life, and because of that life, he makes choices I wouldn’t. I can’t blame him for those…but it does make it harder to blindly trust him.
Still, we need to talk. I’ve retreated and licked my wounds for long enough, and now I need to have a reasonable conversation with Nassakth so we can get on the same page.
I comb my hair out and dress in fresh clothing, then leave the bedroom. The house is silent and empty, and even the war room is quiet. I half-expected to see him there, or working out, lifting those massive circular weights that are so heavy I can’t even move them. He often works out when he’s in a mood, but he’s not there, either. I go to the front and check for the air-sled that’s always parked to the side of the house. It’s in place, but there’s a delicate bike-shaped speeder next to it. Who…?
Then, a tall, lean figure of blue and black emerges from the fields, something wrapped up in her arms. It’s Bethiah.
Oh. And that must be what’s left of my suitor.
I swallow hard, my stomach lurching. Hearing that someone’s dead is one thing. Seeing someone carry a piece of that dead someone out of your backyard is a very different experience
.
As the mesakkah bounty hunter hops onto the bike, I see Nassakth emerge from the fields. He looks…defeated. His proud shoulders are slumped and his tail has no life to it. Immediately, I know that’s my fault. I’ve crushed his spirit, and I feel like the world’s biggest jerk.
And yet…aren’t my reactions reasonable, too? No matter how long I’m out here, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to how casual these people are about killing. It’s very wild west on Risda, and I’m still thinking like a small-town woman, where those sorts of situations just don’t happen.
Yet here we are.
I open the front door as Nassakth approaches. He’s filthy, his lower arms covered in grime. I realize after a few moments that he’s also extremely naked. His towel from our earlier shower is gone, and he’s been out in the field with that woman…in the nude.
A hot flare of jealousy rushes through me. I know Nassakth would never touch Bethiah, but…I don’t like that she was looking at what’s mine. Admiring what’s mine.
Knowing Bethiah, she probably made sure to get an eyeful, too. The thought makes me grit my teeth.
Nassakth looks up in surprise as I step onto the porch to greet him. The look in his eyes is careful, as if he doesn’t want to risk too much. “It is done,” he tells me. “Bethiah will deliver the package to the other bounty hunter and he will not trouble us again.”
“I see.” I gesture at the door. “Come inside. You should wash up.”
He grunts. “You are offended by the dirt of a slaver’s grave?” He goes to move past me.
The words sound so accusing when he says it that way. “No. But you’re dirty and we need to talk, and we seem to talk best in the shower. So I thought I would wash you and we could hash things out.”