Sawbones

by Melissa Lenhardt

  He sat on the corner of the desk. He looked to have gotten dressed hastily. His shirt was open at the collar, his waistcoat was unbuttoned, and he had forgotten his hat. He was dripping wet. “Is it still raining outside?”

  He ran his hands through his hair and smirked. “No more rhetorical questions. What are you reading?”

  “The Tenant of Wildfell Hall.” I held the book up for him to see.

  “What is it about?”

  “A woman who escapes from her old life.”

  “Why did she need to escape?”

  “She was married to a depraved man who was beginning to negatively influence her child.”

  “How Gothic. Where does she go?”

  “She moves to the country.”

  “Does it make her happy?”

  “No. She becomes even more miserable.”

  “Why?”

  “She falls in love.”

  “I would think that would make her happy.”

  “She cannot be with the man she loves. She isn’t free to give herself to him.”

  “Does he know why?”

  I shook my head.

  “Doesn’t she trust him?”

  “Yes. But, she is afraid if her story gets out she will be found. She desperately doesn’t want to be found.”

  “If she trusts him with her heart, shouldn’t she trust him with everything?”

  “She doesn’t trust anybody.”

  “She should.”

  I stared at the pages of the book we had long since stopped talking about, but which story eerily mirrored my own. “Why did you come, William?”

  “I saw you walk across the parade ground.”

  “How did you know it was me?”

  “I would know you anywhere.”

  Leave. Leave now.

  I closed the book and stood. “I should get back.” I shoved the book into the first gap I found. Kindle stood next to the desk, holding my shawl open. “Thank you.” I let him drape it over my shoulders. It was a mistake.

  He turned me around to face him. I could not bring myself to look up. I stared at the hollow of his throat as he traced his fingers across my jaw.

  “We mustn’t. It will only make our parting more difficult.” He turned my head and kissed my neck just below my jaw.

  “Then we mustn’t part.” I shuddered as Kindle’s lips traveled their well-known path to my collarbone.

  “I must go.” I closed my eyes and tried to remember my objections. “It isn’t…I cannot ask…my…”

  He pulled me close and whispered the one word I never expected. The one word I longed to hear.

  “Catherine. Stop talking.”

  * * *

  “I didn’t intend for this to happen.”

  Kindle’s head was buried in my shoulder, his voice muffled and hoarse.

  “Let us catch our breath before we apologize to each other, William.”

  He lifted his head and was readying his denial when he saw my smile. “I wasn’t apologizing.” He replaced his head on my shoulder. “Nor will you.”

  I ran my hand over the crown of his damp head, my racing heart returning to normal. “When I think back over my life this will not be one of the regrets.”

  “Do you have many?”

  “A few.”

  As my breathing returned so did my logic, despite Kindle’s efforts to distract me, and my desire to be distracted. His lips traveled from my neck to my exposed breast, where they lingered. I wanted to press him against me, to let him devour me again and again, but I knew I could not. “It’ll be dawn soon.” I gently pushed him away.

  He stepped back and helped me stand from my precarious position on the edge of the desk. We rearranged our clothes, which we had neglected to completely shed. His eyes were hooded, his lips wet and plump, inviting. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him softly, wanting to funnel every new, raw emotion swirling within me to him.

  I dropped my forehead to his chest. “What have you done to me?” The memories of our lovemaking were too fresh, the sounds still echoed through the room. I was abashed at my eagerness, my willingness to give and receive. The things I said. It was so unlike my experience with James—awkward, formal, and silent—I wondered if James and I had made love at all. My reaction to Kindle couldn’t have been normal. What would he think of me when we parted? I would reside in his memory maybe a step above an energetic whore, and only there because no money exchanged hands. I looked away, smoothed my hair, and tried to push away the self-consciousness creeping into my soul. Kindle put his arms around my waist.

  “You don’t have to look so embarrassed.”

  “You don’t have to look so smug.”

  I pulled away and picked up the books that had fallen from the desk. The lamp was overturned, the glass cover shattered on the floor, the wick extinguished. The room was in almost total darkness, for which I was thankful. I didn’t want Kindle to see how close to tears I was. I picked up my bloomers and turned my back to Kindle while I put them on.

  “Catherine, what’s wrong?”

  I turned to him but kept the desk between the two of us. I thought of saying a quick good-bye and keeping my fears to myself but I could not. “I hope, in years to come when you think of tonight, you will not think ill of me.”

  “What?”

  “This is unlike me.”

  “Which part? The part where you made love to me? Or that you enjoyed it?”

  “Both.” I took a breath. “I have been with one other man but it was not like this.”

  “Did you love him?” His voice was sharp, abrupt.

  I lifted one shoulder. “He was a childhood friend. He comforted me after my father died. I’m not sure how it happened.”

  “He took advantage of you.”

  “No. It was nothing like that. It was natural in the moment. I immediately regretted it. He was surprised when I refused to marry him.” I thought of the shock and anger in James’s face when I said no. I shook my head to erase the memory. “I don’t know why I am telling you this.”

  “Catherine…”

  “Let’s not make our parting any more difficult than it has to be. It will be difficult enough tomorrow to pretend you’re nothing to me.”

  Kindle walked around the desk and took my hands in his. “Stop.” I focused on his hands and tried to ignore his closeness, the smell of sex that lingered in the air around us. “Don’t you want to know why I came here tonight?”

  “Was it not to find a book to read on patrol?” My forced levity sounded flat, even to me.

  “I came here to tell you I am mustering out of the Army. I gave my papers to Foster this evening.”

  “What? Why?”

  He laughed. “You have to ask?”

  “Well, yes. You have studiously avoided me since Foster’s dinner.”

  “As you have avoided me.”

  “I thought it would be easier.”

  “So did I. The farther away you pulled, the more I wanted you. When I considered your demand I leave the Army…”

  “My demand? I did not demand…”

  He placed his fingers over my mouth.

  “The more I liked the idea. I stayed in the Army after the war because there was nothing for me to return to. My family was dead. I didn’t have the energy or desire to rebuild my father’s farm. Choosing to stay in the Army was the easiest route, so I took it.”

  “It’s your career. I wouldn’t want you to give it up for me. You will resent me for it, later.”

  “It isn’t only for you, Catherine. I am tired of being alone. Of following orders I object to. Of being unhappy.”

  I thought of Harriet’s comment the night before. “The Army needs good men like you.”

  “The Army can survive without me.”

  “I can be difficult. Dramatic. Self-centered. Arrogant.”

  “You are also intelligent, witty, compassionate, and tender.”

  “William, I don’t know…”

  He pulled me closer.
“As well as passionate, and the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.” He lifted my chin. “The way you responded to me proved I made the right decision.” I tried to look away but he wouldn’t let me. “You want to be with me as much as I want to be with you. Don’t deny it.”

  I shook my head. “I won’t.” He kissed my hands. Happiness bubbled within me. I laughed. “What do we do now?”

  “You leave tomorrow, like planned. I want you safe and away from here. When you get to Fort Sill, go east to Saint Louis. You wait for me there. I’ll follow when my patrol is done. I will be a week behind you. Two at the most. Once the paperwork is complete, we start our life.”

  “Where?”

  He shrugged. “Wherever you want to have your practice.”

  “You don’t want me to give up my profession?”

  “Would you?”

  Would I? Now that being with Kindle was a reality and not a dream, I couldn’t imagine losing him by refusing to give up my profession. I also couldn’t imagine my life without medicine.

  “It doesn’t matter,” Kindle said. “I am not asking you to. The Army doesn’t mean as much to me as medicine means to you.”

  “What will you do?”

  “We can return to my family’s farm in Maryland.”

  “Maryland? But, I can’t return to the East.”

  “Why not?”

  “Didn’t Harriet…” The confusion on his face answered the question before I asked. “How did you know my name?”

  He smiled. “I finally remembered what the doctor told me when I searched for you. After Antietam.”

  I let go of his hands and paced. “I should have told you this before we…” I stopped and took a deep breath. “I cannot return to the East because I am wanted for murder.”

  His face froze. He laughed. “Of all the things you could have said, that is the last I would have guessed.”

  “It’s ridiculous. Completely unfounded.”

  “Was it a patient?”

  “No, her husband. The widow accused me of bludgeoning him with a fireplace poker.”

  Kindle laughed again. “You? Why?”

  “I honestly do not know. She says it is because he ended our affair.”

  Kindle’s mirth died instantly.

  “I was not having an affair with him. I am sure I don’t need to clarify the point since you know me so well.”

  “Of course,” he replied, though he was not as vociferous in my defense as I hoped.

  “The press has crucified me. According to them, I have had an affair with every doctor in New York.”

  “Why didn’t you stay and defend yourself?”

  “The family is connected, legally, socially, and very rich. I knew I wouldn’t stand a chance.”

  “But, surely…”

  “I couldn’t tell them who I was with to defend myself, though it mattered little in the end. The information came out.”

  “Who were you with?”

  I rubbed my temples. Better to tell him. “I was performing a dissection.”

  “That is not so very…”

  “On a body procured from a resurrection man.”

  Kindle turned away and paced the room.

  “I matriculated from Syracuse Medical College. The New York City colleges didn’t accept women students and, as such, wouldn’t allow me to perform dissections to keep my skills sharp. The only way to do so was through unsavory channels.” Kindle stared at the floor as he paced. I couldn’t see his face in the darkness. “It was thanks to these dissections I was able to help you, on the plains. For that alone I cannot regret my actions. Nor will I apologize for them.”

  Kindle stopped and looked at me with astonishment. “I don’t care about the resurrection man.”

  “There’s more.”

  He crossed his arms and waited.

  “The body of a woman was found in the river a few days after I left. She was identified as me.”

  “By whom?”

  “I think by the friend who helped me escape, but I don’t know for sure.”

  “They think you are dead.”

  I rubbed my temples. “I saw a woman in Galveston who recognized me. She had been traveling so didn’t know the sordid tale. She has surely returned to New York by now. For all I know, Beatrice Langton sent Pinkertons after me on the next boat. There is a five-hundred-dollar reward for my capture.”

  “Five hundred dollars?”

  “I told you they were rich.”

  “I cannot believe you’ve evaded capture for as long as you have. You probably won’t for much longer.” He walked around the room, thinking.

  “Pope knows. He showed me my Wanted poster. I told Harriet last night.”

  He stopped. “What did she say?”

  “Nothing about New York. She asked me if I was in love with you.”

  “What did you tell her?”

  “Nothing. I asked her the same question.”

  “Are you?”

  “With the charm offensive I’ve been under since the moment we met, how can I not be?”

  He grinned, took me in his arms, and kissed me so hungrily I knew we would soon be on the desk again if I didn’t slow him down. I pulled away and said, rather breathlessly, “I take that to mean the feeling is mutual.”

  “Yes.” He tried to kiss me again but I turned my head away. “It will be dawn soon.”

  “Which is why you need to let me kiss you again.”

  “No. We need a plan for later.”

  “Once on the train to Saint Louis, you will travel as Mrs. William Kindle. No one will ever associate that name with Catherine Bennett, especially since no one here knows of our relationship. When you’re on the train, and while you are in Saint Louis, whatever you do, do not practice medicine. I will give you enough money to last you until I arrive.”

  “William…”

  “Don’t argue with me, Catherine. When I arrive in Saint Louis, we’ll get married immediately, then decide where we go from there. Listen carefully to me. I want you to think long and hard while you are traveling about giving up medicine. Shh.” He placed his fingers on my lips. “Don’t interrupt until I’ve finished. I only say it because as long as you are a practicing doctor you’re in danger. You know I’m right, Catherine. I will always be there to protect you but I don’t want to live our lives always moving. Promise me you will think of it.”

  “You still want to marry me?”

  “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “Are you absolutely sure you are aware of what you’re taking on by marrying me?”

  “I have a fairly good idea.”

  I walked back toward the desk, pulling him with me.

  “Does this mean we’re done planning?”

  “I feel guilty for using Harriet’s desk. We broke her lamp.”

  “I’ll bring a lamp from my quarters.”

  “Good idea. But—”

  “The longer you talk, the less time we have.”

  “Excellent point.”

  We came together urgently, knowing it might be weeks until we were alone again, and lost ourselves in each other until the sun peeked over the horizon.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Before dawn, as Kindle and I were rearranging our clothes for the second time, the downpour from the night before finally exhausted itself. The morning met us with a light drizzle that dusted shoulders, hats, horses, and saddles with tiny droplets of water.

  I followed Murphy and Sullivan, who carried my trunks, out of the hospital and was astonished to see a group of people waiting on the front porch to bid me good-bye. Caro stood by herself, off to the side. I walked to her first.

  “Good-bye, Caro. Thank you for everything.”

  She took my hand and squeezed. “I hope we meet again, someday.”

  “So do I.”

  Murphy and Sullivan, hats in hand, each bade me good-bye with warmth and a tinge of embarrassment. Corporal Martin thanked me again for the shelves and gave me another bottle of syrup, and W
aterman said it had been a pleasure to work with me.

  “Good luck, Dr. Elliston,” Ezra said, without meeting my eyes.

  “Thank you, Dr. Kline.”

  Alice stood with her husband next to his horse. Wallace Strong kissed Alice on the cheek, whispered something in her ear, which brought out her blush, and mounted his bay. She caught my eye, and with a pleased smile, nodded her thanks to me.

  Harriet moved forward and held out an envelope. “With Lieutenant Colonel Foster’s compliments.”

  Holding the envelope, I was struck by its lightness, how inconsequential it was in my hand, though I knew inside held a recommendation with the power to silence all suspicions of my identity. “From General Sherman?”

  “Yes.”

  I suppose I shouldn’t have been offended at Foster’s absence, but still I bristled at the snub. As if reading my mind, Harriet said, “Lieutenant Colonel Foster is under the weather this morning.” She leaned forward conspiratorially. “His gout is acting up. Too much wine the other night.”

  “Thank him for me.”

  “I will.”

  Standing awkwardly with Harriet, I realized how little I knew about her. Almost from the moment I’d met her, our relationship had been antagonistic. I had dismissed her as a bitter woman and hadn’t taken the time to get to know her. Our conversation after the dinner party made me wonder if I hadn’t judged Harriet too harshly; if I had been in a different frame of mind could we have, if not been friends, at least found a level of mutual respect? When I held out my hand to her, she surprised me by pulling me into a strong embrace.

  “Good-bye, Catherine. Your secret is safe with me.”

  She released me as quickly as she embraced me, and without meeting my eyes, walked away through the drizzle.

  I glanced around in a panic. Did anyone else hear what she said? Everyone smiled in ignorance, though Ezra furrowed his brow in question.

  “Dr. Elliston?” Kindle motioned to the wagon holding my trunks. In a daze, I walked down the hospital steps and climbed up next to the teamster. The regimental band struck up “The Girl I Left Behind Me” and two companies of cavalry and my supply wagon left Fort Richardson.

  It was miserable and slow going. The muddy roads and swollen creeks meant the cavalry spent most of their time walking their horses and pushing and pulling the supply wagon out of the mud. When we reached the Red River—which I’ll admit to doubting more than once—Kindle’s company would head west to patrol for Indians. The remainder would cross the Red into Indian Territory and complete the short journey to Fort Sill.