by Blue Saffire
“Seriously, Nel is thinking about moving back. Damn, I miss that girl. We used to have so much fun when we were little. All the fights and shit she and Bean would get into. Those two were crazy together. You couldn’t fuck with one without fucking with the other,” I shake my head chuckling. “Why isn’t Bean talking her into coming back?”
“She may come to work at Black and Lock. Dad wanted me to talk up shop,” Heather shrugs, slouching to rest her head back on the couch.
“I think I remember Nelly,” Lucy says, trying to join the conversation.
Heather’s stomach growls cutting into our little chat. I grin, bumping her with my shoulder. Heather’s cheeks glow as she pats her stomach.
“Sounds like you’re hungry, Kid,” I chuckle.
“I can cook something quick,” Lucy offers.
“No one wants your weed brownies,” I tease.
“Shut up, Brax,” Heather laughs out.
“What,” I say through my laughter. “I still can’t believe the shit I know about our dear Lucy.”
“What were you doing on a gay site anyway?” Lucy grumbles.
“Not just gay, Lesbian,” I clear up, frowning. “That shit was hot. A friend told me about it, so I checked it out.”
“Asshole,” Lucy huffs under her breath.
“So I’ve heard,” I stand and stretch. “I want some Chinese. I’ll take the walk and get it.”
“Oh, yes,” Heather groans. “I’m all for that.”
“I’ll be back,” I start for the door.
“Don’t you want to know what we want?” Lucy say, blinking up at me.
“I got it,” I wave her off.
Heather just shakes her head, finishing off her beer. As I make my way for the door I hope like hell, Lucy will be gone by the time I get back. Sure, I never have to ask what Heather wants, but I didn’t ask Lucy in hopes she’d take a fucking hint and leave.
Heather
I can’t help but shake my head and smile. Braxton never asks for my order. He always knows me well enough to order just what I like. Besides, I’m sure he’ll buy more than enough for everyone. Honestly, what Lucy doesn’t know about Brax, he pays attention to everything and everyone.
He’ll return with her favorite. I’m sure it’s banked somewhere in that brain of his. He’ll order her usual subconsciously. I’m used to it.
“Why do you let him do that?” Lucy’s voice interrupts my thoughts as soon as the door closes behind Braxton.
“Let him do what?” My brows wrinkle.
“For one, he walks in here like he owns the place,” Lucy says exasperatedly.
I lift my shoulders. “He’s here enough. I guess it feels like home for him,” I reply.
“Okay, well, what’s up with him always ordering for you,” Lucy mumbles, a pout on her lips.
Again I shrug, not seeing the problem. “He knows what I like. It’s a Black thing. They get it from Uncle Joe. The women in their lives don’t pay and they anticipate them is all.”
“But you’re not the woman in his life,” she says with a deep frown.
“You know what I mean,” I huff. “What’s up with you tonight?”
She’s been acting strange lately. We left the bar early because she asked to go somewhere to talk. I was tired anyway so I agreed and we came here.
“I thought we were going to get to talk,” she says nervously.
“I’m all ears. What’s on your mind?” I ask knitting my brows.
Lucy looks down into her lap. She had a bit too much to drink I think. I blame the alcohol for her dragging me out to the dance floor, while she rubbed herself on me like a cat.
Lucy looks up and closes the small distance between us. I watch her, waiting for her to speak. Her eyes search my face, for what I’m not sure. She licks her lips, finally breathing out her thoughts.
“Hav…have you ever wondered if there could be more between us?” She says just above a whisper.
“More? More like how?” I knit my brows. “I told you if you needed a place you could have the second bedroom.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about,” she sighs. “Heather, I’m attracted to you. I’ve had a crush on you since high school. What I’m saying is, have you ever thought about not pretending? Have you ever thought about…you know, what it would be like to actually kiss? Not the pecks on the cheek.”
I sit with my mouth open. My father taught me to pay attention to details. How the heck did I miss this one?
I’ll tell you how. Your attention has been on Brax. You’re driving yourself crazy.
Ain’t that the truth. I’ve been driving myself crazy for nineteen month straight. I don’t even want to count how many times I’ve almost caved. The energy that pulses between us is unreal. I deny it with everything I am, but I still crave him. I just know how wrong it would be to drag him into my messed up head.
Then there’s all the focus I give to Amanda. I still check in on my sister to make sure she’s okay. I haven’t noticed any more broken bones. I’d like to believe she would tell me if Ernest is hurting her.
We now sneak in a visit every other week. Eugene and I have come to an understanding. He actually sought me out, which I thought was weird. He just said he was doing someone a favor. I shouldn’t trust him, but for some reason I do.
Yup, all of this went over my head because I have a million things on my plate. Not once did I think about a real relationship with Lucy. I don’t even know what to say to her.
She looks down into her lap. “I’m sorry. Maybe I had too much to drink. I never should’ve said anything,” she murmurs.
“No, I’m sorry. I…you just surprised me is all,” I reply, pulling my shit together. “I’ve never kissed a girl or anything.”
“Oh, but I mean we could try. I mean, if you want. If you’re okay with it,” Lucy rushes out.
I’m stunned. What do I say to that? I’ve taken nude pictures of this girl, never once have I had those types of feelings. I feel so messed up for not seeing that she has. Guilt starts to twist my stomach. I feel like I’ve been using her. I never thought we’d carry things on this long.
We’ve only “broken up” a few times so that she could see someone else. It never lasts long, but each time she has had a friend she’s offered up to pretend to be my girlfriend. In return I’ve given them similar services to the ones I’ve provided for her,—a makeover for a few dates.
Every time I mention calling it quits so Lucy can have a life of her own, she tells me it’s fine, she doesn’t mind helping me at all. Now, it all makes a little more sense. I feel so awful.
I look at Lucy, really look at her. She’s a very attractive girl. With the makeover I did for her, she has really come out of her shell and blossomed. Lucy doesn’t even look like the same girl anymore.
I had so much fun creating her new look. When we’re shopping for her, I feel like I get to shop for myself. I’ve been living vicariously through her for nearly two years.
I cherish her friendship, I would never want to hurt her. However, the sad look on her face tells me I have. I fidget with the hem of my t-shirt, trying to figure out what to say.
Lucy has a plan of her own, before I can register what she’s about to do, she cups my face and leans in. I gasp in surprise. Her soft lips press against mine gently at first. I shut my eyes, as my brain tries to catch up with what’s happening.
If I thought I was in shock a few minutes ago, I’m in pure disbelief now. Lucy slips her tongue into my surprised mouth, but I don’t push her away. I feel terrible about misleading her.
If I try this…maybe I can make up for using her. She’s a girl. She’s safe. I can do this.
I make up my mind to kiss Lucy back. It’s not bad, I don’t feel what I feel with Brax, but it’s not terrible. When I respond Lucy really gets into it, she deepens the kiss and moans. I’m still okay when she does.
My mind begins to race with the possibilities of something real with Lucy. I reach to tangle my fi
ngers in her hair, which encourages Lucy further. Her hand on my cheek starts to roam.
I’m fine when she caresses my neck. Her soft touch is pleasant. It’s when Lucy’s other hand cups my breast, over my t-shirt that I freak out. She’s so into it, she doesn’t realize I’m totally losing my shit. She moans and kneads at my mound.
I push her off me so hard her back hits the arm of the couch. I scramble back away from her to the other side. I’m sure my eyes are wild as I look around for escape.
“Heather, Heather, I’m…I’m sorry. I…ar…are you okay? Did I do something wrong?” Lucy says frantically.
I drop my head into my hands, starting to sob. I start to hyperventilate. I feel small and vulnerable. I don’t know how to stop the panic.
“Heather,” Lucy whispers.
“I’m so…so…sorry,” I stutter out.
I shake my head in my hands. It’s been years since images of Ernest and Skinny Man have haunted me. I squeeze my eyes tight as the lid blows off the tightly sealed box I have all that horrible shit in.
“I…I think I should leave,” Lucy murmurs.
I don’t reply. I can’t. I’m spiraling out of control. I can hear the pain in Lucy’s voice, but I have to save myself before I can think about her.
Damaged. I’ll always be damaged. Damaged and lonely.
Lucy
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’ve been in love with Heather for forever. When she came to me to be her girlfriend, I’d hoped that someday we could make it real. I thought that if we spent time together, she’d eventually have feelings for me too.
I mean, I get naked in front of her once a week. Whenever I’m posing, I’m posing for her, not the pictures. I never even load the full nudes to my site and social media. Those are exclusively for her.
Heather’s gorgeous and so talented. She made me into a whole new person. I’ve never felt as pretty as she’s made me. I was just plain before. Now, I shine whenever she dresses me up and we go out. I’ve been asked out by guys and girls, since my makeover. I have a new confidence I never had before. It was why I thought I should tell her how I feel.
She gave me the confidence to kiss her. I thought she was into it. She kissed me back. What did I do wrong?
I sit watching her completely freak out. I know I said I’ll leave, but I can’t move. I’m paralyzed in this single spot. My back hurts from the force of hitting the couch, after Heather’s push. I feel so stupid. I shouldn’t have pushed this.
I don’t want to lose her. I just couldn’t leave well enough alone. For nineteen months, two weeks, and four days, I’ve gotten to spend so much time with Heather. I’m with her whenever I can be. I just thought, maybe if she knew how I felt we could…be real.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” I say softly, as I start to move.
I collect my things, starting for the front door. I open the door to find Braxton lifting his hand to knock. His golden eyes fly pass me to Heather. I step out of his way quickly, before he tramples me.
My heart tears right out of my chest, as Heather jumps right into his arms. I blink back the tears. She allows him to hold her so easily, the panic from moments before evaporates. I look down at my feet, the moment seeming too intimate to watch.
“Shh,” Braxton coos to her, while rubbing her back.
It’s too much, I can’t stand here. I’ve seen the way they are together, but it hits me hard in this moment. There’s so much more to Braxton and Heather than she lets on. I’ve tried to deny it for so long.
I can’t lose her, but I can’t watch this either. I slip from the apartment, closing the door behind me. When the door is sealed shut, I lean my back against it and let the tears fall.
You did this to yourself. I know I did, but my heart wants what it wants. I don’t know how to change that, but I won’t lose her.
Braxton
“What happened?” I murmur the moment I hear the door shut.
Heather shakes her head in my chest. Her tears soaking the front of my t-shirt. I tighten my arms around her and rub her back. My mind tries to come up with what the hell could’ve happened while I was gone.
“It’s okay, Baby. I’m here. You can tell me,” I coo, hoping she’ll tell me something so I can fix it.
Still, she shakes her head again. I blow out a breath, before kissing the top of her head in comfort. I hate that her body is trembling. I want to explode, but I know that’s not what she needs.
Despite what my family thinks, I can be civilized. I reach to lift Heather into my arms and sit on the couch. The food is forgotten on the floor, next to one of the accent chairs. I barely had time to drop it, before Heather was in my embrace.
I run my hand over her hair, relishing the silky feel, along with the fact that I’m getting to touch her. I press a kiss to her forehead, when her sobs turns into little hiccups.
My heart swells, when she curls into a ball in my lap, tucking her face into my neck. I feel my entire body uncoil. Whatever’s wrong…I’ll figure that out later. For now, we can sit here and need each other.
“Stay,” she whispers the words so softly, I almost don’t hear them.
“Always,” I reply, knowing inside I’m answering way more than her simple request.
For the first time in just about two years, I can breathe.
Chapter 24
Break Up
Heather
I pull my long sleeves over my hands, wrapping my palms around the steaming mug of hot chocolate in front of me. Bringing the mug to my lips I blow, then take a sip. I place the cup back on the table, looking around nervously.
I’m waiting for Lucy, at her favorite coffee shop. I feel terrible about what happened last night. I think I owe her an explanation. I called her, asking her to meet me here.
I look around and lick my lips. My mouth feels so dry. Lucy’s a friend. I don’t want to lose that. She’s become a big part of my life.
Last night, I just freaked. It was the way she touched me. I was thrown back in time. I thought about it, I think it’s because I wasn’t really comfortable in the first place.
It’s the only excuse I could come up with. I had no trouble falling right to sleep in Brax’s arms. I woke this morning, in my bed, wrapped in his warmth. He stayed the entire night with me.
I’ve tried not to look at that too closely. When I asked him to stay, I don’t know if I meant for the night or if I actually meant forever. My heart and my body wanted it to be the latter. Being in his arms just felt right. I never knew you could miss someone you see almost every day.
“Hey,” Lucy’s voice snaps me out of my reverie.
I look up at her and my heart squeezes. Lucy’s eyes are red rimmed, as if she’s been crying all night. I’m sure I look pretty similar. I take note of her messy bun and the all black outfit she has on. It’s a post makeover ensemble.
I give her a weak smile, pointing to the seat across from me, with the ice coffee sitting in front of it. Lucy slowly eases down into the chair. I press my lips and rub between my brows.
“I’m sorry,” we say in unison, causing us both to release a small laugh.
“I think I should explain what happened,” I say, picking at imaginary chips in my mug.
“Don’t worry about it. I think I had too much to drink,” she replies, her cheeks flaming red.
I shake my head. Locking eyes with Lucy, I see the hurt in hers staring back at me. I did that. I have to fix it. I bite my lip, then decide to just go for it.
“When I was younger, some bad things happened to me. I still haven’t really dealt with it all. I sort of freaked out when you groped me last night. It took me some place dark,” I whisper.
All the blood drains from her face, causing me to instantly feel like I just made this worse. I reach for my ear and give it a tug, pressing my lips. It seems like hours pass before she responds.
“Heather, I’m so sorry. I never would have—” she starts.
“You didn’t know. No one really knows. I n
eed you to promise never to say anything to anyone,” I rush out.
“I would never,” Lucy says, reaching for my hand to cover with hers.
I look down at her hand covering mine. I feel bad, I wish I felt something, anything, but I don’t. Nothing more than love for a really good friend. Lucy will always have my loyalty for what she’s done for me. I just don’t think I can give her more than that.
“Listen,” Lucy sighs. “You’re my best friend. That’s so important to me. I don’t want to ruin that.”
“Which is why I think maybe we should call this all off. I feel like I’ve been using you and not considering your feelings.”
“You didn’t make me do this. I want to help. I understand so much more why you need my help. I thought I understood before, but it’s so much clearer now,” she insists.
“Yeah, but I still feel terrible. When was the last time you went out on a real date? I want to see you happy. It’s not just you, Lucy. I don’t think I can be in a relationship with anyone,” I admit.
Lucy gingerly pulls her hand back. She begins to play with the straw in her cup. Turning to look out of the window, she’s silent for a few moments.
Her phone rings, grabbing her attention from wherever she’s disappeared to. Reaching in her pocket, she pulls it out and looks at the screen. A frown mars her face.
Releasing a heavy breath, she tucks the phone back in her pocket. “I have to go. I need to get back to the shop. Maybe we can hang sometime or something,” she says sadly.
“Hey, Lucy,” I reach for her hand. “I’m not saying I don’t want to be friends anymore. If you’re not uncomfortable now, we still have our weekly shoots. I just…I thought you might want to date or something.”
“Yeah, I think that might be a good idea. I’ll call you later about the shoots. I was thinking about changing it up a bit anyway.”
Lucy pulls her hand away and is off before I can say anything else. I still feel terrible. There’s only one person that I want to talk to right now.