Mind of Her Own

by Diana Lesire Brandmeyer

  No, she would go. This could be the very thing to make her remember everything. Maybe that’s why she felt like she was on her way to a funeral instead of a fun family reunion.

  “You look nice,” Collin said when she joined him downstairs. “We should get going if we want to get there in time for the good food. I sent the kids to the van. Still have a headache?”

  “Yes. I’m sorry, Collin. I know I haven’t been helpful or even fun the last few days.” She picked up the plastic container of gooey butter cookies she’d bought at the store. At least they were a specialty item from the local bakery. Maybe no one would mind that she hadn’t made them.

  “We don’t have to go.” Collin tipped her chin in his hand. “Just say you want to stay home. I’ll drop the kids off, and your mom can watch them.”

  “I can’t explain it, Collin, but I think I need to go today.” She swallowed. “I’m scared. I think I’m going to remember soon. That should make me happy, but instead it frightens me.”

  “Darlin’, that’s okay. Whatever happens, I’ll be here for you and so will the kids. We’re a team, no matter what.” Collin took the cookies from her hand and scooped up a folded blanket that sat on a counter stool. “Come on, let’s get this over with.”

  The moment Collin parked the van, the kids seemed to fly from it, scattering across the vast lawn in search of favorite cousins. Jazz, not quite so eager, took her time to climb the hill.

  Collin stayed by her side while she put the cookies on a long table that already bulged with food covered in plastic wrap. No one paid any attention to their arrival. Relieved that there wasn’t a volley of questions, she followed Collin to a shady spot under a tree where he spread out the blanket.

  “You can hide out here. Let them come to you. If you lean up against the tree, you can close your eyes and pretend you’re napping.” He grinned. “Maybe you should have worn one of those floppy hats and sunglasses like your great-aunt Becca.”

  Jazz followed his gaze and saw the woman he was talking about. She seemed to be sleeping, but every few moments the hat would tip up. It was obvious Great-Aunt Becca was eavesdropping on conversations as people went by.

  Tim and Joey, twin-like in their Rams jerseys and sulking faces, plopped on the blanket on either side of Jazz. “What’s wrong with you guys?”

  “Grandma brought a man,” Joey said. “I don’t like him.”

  “They were holding hands.” Tim screwed his nose in disgust.

  “Give him a chance, boys,” Collin warned.

  “Are we going to eat soon?” Tim fidgeted with his shoelace.

  A cowbell rang. “There’s your answer. That’s the signal they use every year. Someday I’m going to ring that bell,” Collin joked. “Let’s find a place in line, boys.”

  Joey popped off the blanket. “I’m ready.”

  “I can get my own hot dog.” Tim took off running to get in line.

  “Eat some vegetables,” Jazz called after him.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll watch him.” Joey squared his shoulders, preparing to be the older brother, the one in charge.

  “They’re growing up so fast.” Collin held out his hand to Jazz and helped her stand.

  “I don’t think there will be one serving of vegetables or fruit on their plates.” She smoothed the back of her shirt with her hand.

  “It’s a party. Let them have fun.” Collin kept step with her.

  “Why not?” Her feet stalled as Beth approached. Collin’s hand brushed against her fingers. Unaware, she twined her hand in his.

  “There you are. I’m glad you came. I was afraid you would have another one of your headaches and stay home,” Beth said.

  “Hi, Mom.” The word felt awkward on her tongue, but she said it out of respect.

  “Did you see your cousin Amy? She was asking about you. She owns some organizing company now.”

  “No, I haven’t seen her yet.” Jazz felt a flash of memory. The shoes at the hospital! Amy did give her hand-me-down shoes when she was little. “That sounds like an interesting career. So who’s the new guy in your life?”

  “Why, he’s not new at all, Louisa. You know him, or you used to. It’s so hard to keep track of what you remember and what you don’t.”

  Jazz’s stomach whipped against her ribs. Was that her mother’s new perfume? Something smelled odd. “What’s his name?”

  “Phil. You have to remember Phil. He’s your dad’s cousin. You stayed with him while Daddy and I went to Mexico.”

  “No, the name isn’t familiar.” Her hand tightened in Collin’s.

  Beth looked to the right as if searching for him. “It’s a shame you don’t remember him.”

  “Where’s Madison?” Her mouth went dry and adrenaline pumped through her, but Jazz didn’t understand its meaning.

  “She went with Phil. He seems to be fond of her already. She has on that dolphin shirt, and he asked her about it. The next thing you know, he’s agreed to take her across the street to the zoo to look at some real live dolphins. He said to tell you not to worry; he’ll take good care of her.”

  “Take care of her?” She swam in uncertainty. Something didn’t feel right.

  “He paid you a very nice compliment. He said to tell you Madison is as beautiful as you were at that age.”

  “He took Madison away?” Her breathing swelled in her chest, pushing through her throat like something wanting to be born.

  “He didn’t take her away; she went willingly—to the zoo. Now you’re starting to sound like the old Louisa.”

  “How come I’ve never met him, Beth?” Collin asked.

  Jazz turned in a slow circle, scanning the crowd for Madison amid a sea of jeans and bright shirts.

  “He’s been living in Utah. Not long after the Mexico trip, he moved and we lost touch. This summer I ran into him on that senior cruise. He asked about you, Louisa—Jazz. I still can’t seem to call you by that name. I know after the Tim incident, you worry, but Madison couldn’t contain her excitement at seeing a dolphin. They’ll be back soon. Phil is harmless as a teddy bear, so there’s no need to worry that you’ve done something wrong.” Her mom held out her arms. “Aren’t you going to give me a hello hug?”

  Jazz reluctantly embraced her but then pushed her away. The smell of aftershave on her mother’s shirt sent her spiraling into the past, dizzy with fear. She felt herself falling to the ground and her world blackened, but she wasn’t going down without a fight. She went into a kneeling position and bowed her head to keep from passing out.

  Collin was beside her. She could sense him, feel his touch, but he remained invisible.

  “Jazz, what is it?” His worried tone yanked her out of the darkness.

  “We have to find them. Now!” She swallowed bitter bile that rose in the back of her throat. “I remember, Collin. I remember everything.”

  “What do you remember, dear?” her mother asked.

  “Get away from me! You and Daddy left me with that man! And now my daughter is with him. Your granddaughter.” Jazz’s body tensed like a jungle cat ready to kill. “Get away from me!” she repeated.

  “Louisa, what did he do to you? Why didn’t you tell me?” Her mother’s hands balled into fists. “I’ll kill him!”

  “We have to find her, Mom. That’s what’s important now.” She spun around, searching the area and hoping to spot the top of her daughter’s head. “Madison! Has anyone seen her?” she yelled. She took off in the direction of the zoo.

  Collin caught up to her and pulled her to a stop. “Wait a minute. Let’s think before running. Am I right? Jazz, did he do something to you? Do you think Maddie is in danger?”

  “Yes.” The word hissed from her mouth, a vile secret hidden for years, now exposed in the light. “We have to find her.”

  Fire burned in Collin’s eyes. “We will. But I don’t think he went to the zoo.” He spun around, facing the thick grove of trees behind them. “It’s secluded over there. That’s the first place to look for t
hem.”

  “Let’s go.”

  “Wait.” Collin slapped his cell phone into her hand. “Call the police and give them a description. Tell them about the dolphins, too, in case they did go to the zoo. I’m going in the woods. You follow as soon as you’ve told them what’s going on.”

  She fought the impulse to argue with him, knowing he was right. There might not be reception in the trees, and if Phil . . . No, she couldn’t think it. “Go, Collin. Hurry!” She punched 911 while she watched him sprint faster than she could have to save their daughter. “I have an emergency!”

  * * *

  A few feet into the woods, Collin halted. He tried to still his breathing so he could listen. At first there wasn’t anything, but then he thought he heard a small squeal. He took off in the direction of the sound, ignoring the branches smacking his face and body. “Madison! I’m coming!”

  He crashed through a row of low bushes, into a clearing, and stopped short at the scene before him. His little girl pounded Phil’s stomach with her fists as she tried to twist away from him. Phil tugged at the hem of Madison’s shirt. With a roar, Collin flew across the distance and knocked Phil off his daughter and onto the ground. He flattened the deviant and pummeled him with his fists until the man lay unconscious.

  At Madison’s voice, he looked away from his daughter’s abuser.

  “Daddy, I’m sorry.” Her whisper broke into a sob.

  Peeling himself away from the scum beneath him, he rushed to Madison’s side. Her teeth banged together and her shoulders shook. Collin held her against him, trying to warm her, make her feel secure again. “Shh, baby girl. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “Collin! Madison!” Jazz screamed from somewhere in the woods.

  “Over here!” Collin yelled. “I’ve got her.”

  Jazz broke into the clearing at a run. She slid to a stop next to Madison and hit the ground, tears pouring down her cheeks. “Maddie, oh, Maddie, I’m sorry I didn’t remember sooner. Did he touch you?”

  “He said—” Madison hiccupped through a sob—“he thought I had a tick under my shirt and wanted to get it out.”

  “Oh, baby, he’s a wicked, wicked man, and you’re a good girl.” She gathered her closer, running her hand over Madison’s hair to calm her like she’d done so many times before.

  “Daddy hit him and hit him and hit him. I didn’t want him to stop.” Madison curled like a kitten in her mother’s arms and looked up. “Does that make me a bad person?”

  Jazz squeezed her daughter closer. “No, baby. It doesn’t make you bad. He did an evil thing to you, and you should be angry.”

  Phil groaned as police sirens sounded close by. Collin jumped from the ground and whipped off his belt. He rolled Phil onto his stomach, looped the belt around Phil’s wrists, then pulled tight. “He’s not going anywhere until the police get here.”

  “Mom? You called me Maddie.”

  “Yeah, I did.”

  “Do you remember me now?” Joy filled Madison’s face.

  “I do. And I’ll never forget you again. I promise.”

  “Do you remember everything? Even Dad?”

  “Even Dad.”

  Collin whistled to alert the search party where they were. He placed his foot solidly on the belt in case Phil became more active.

  A team of two policemen burst through the brush with their radios squawking on their belts.

  “We found them,” one of the officers reported to his commander.

  The other one slapped handcuffs on Phil’s wrists. Together they helped him stand.

  Blood trickled from Phil’s nose. He sneered at Louisa. “She’s so much like you. Your mom told me you were remembering things, and I knew it wouldn’t be long. I had to have her today or I would miss my chance.”

  Adrenaline erupted in Collin, and he sprang across the ankle-high grass. His hands reached for Phil’s throat.

  One of the officers pulled him away. “I can’t let you do that, sir. I’d like to, but I can’t. You bring your daughter to the station and file charges. He’ll get what he deserves in prison.”

  Collin reluctantly backed away, his animal anger barely controlled. He felt his breath coming in short huffs. “We’ll be there as soon as EMS checks out my daughter.”

  They walked out of the woods with Madison between them, holding their hands. “Everyone okay here?” Collin asked.

  “Mom remembers us, Dad.”

  “I know, babycakes, and we’ll make sure she remembers us from now on.”

  “So everything will be like it used to be, Daddy?”

  “I doubt life in the Copeland home will ever be the same. We’ve learned to work together as a family, you’re almost a teenager, and everything has changed. Your mom is back with us, but I suspect she’s going to be a combination of the old mom and the new one. What do you think? Can we get through this together?” He glanced at Jazz.

  “Yes, we can,” she said with a small smile.

  * * *

  It was late by the time they arrived home from the police station, and later still before everyone was calm enough to send to bed. Madison told her brothers the shocking tale of her attacker and her savior. She left out the part about Phil’s intentions.

  Their daughter glowed with love as she told Tim and Joey about how Collin saved her life. Joey proclaimed he’d known Phil was a bad man from the moment he’d met him. Tim held Madison’s hand so she wouldn’t be scared anymore and offered to sleep in her room in his sleeping bag. Surprising everyone, she said he could.

  Now the moment had come that Louisa dreaded—telling Collin about the past. They had settled in her new office. It seemed appropriate since that’s where Collin had read about her past. Or some of it, at least. Those pages hadn’t told him what had been buried deep within her, the shame and humiliation she’d kept locked away because she thought no one would believe her.

  “Can you tell me what happened to you?” He swiveled the chair side to side.

  “It’s not a pretty story, Collin, but I will tell you. Just let me talk without interruption; then maybe I can get through it.” Her feet pushed the wicker rocker she sat in, and it protested the motion much like her emotions resisted the telling of her secret.

  “I can do that,” he said. The corners of his mouth suggested a smile of encouragement.

  The chair rocked faster as she rubbed her shoulder with a hand as if the motion would help her release the misery inside. “My parents left me with Phil while they went to Mexico. He thought it would be fun for us to have a vacation too. So we went to a hotel that had a pool.” She stopped, not wanting to continue, but realized that would give Phil power over her again.

  Spurred on by her anger, she rushed through the memories as the movie played in her mind. “He told me the bathroom was broken. I was twelve, and I believed him. I took off my clothes to put on my swimsuit. I had my back to him because I was embarrassed. He said he wouldn’t look.” She took a ragged breath. Collin left the chair and squatted next to her. He took her hand in his. True to his word, he didn’t say anything but remained still, his fingers tense against her own as he waited for her to continue.

  “Stop. Never mind, you don’t have to tell me any more. I love you and I believe you. You don’t have to relive this for me.” His forehead furrowed as pain etched his face.

  “No, I want to say it once and for all and be done with it. I wanted to tell my parents, but they liked Phil so much, and I didn’t want to disappoint them. I was only twelve.” She could feel her nose dripping but didn’t have the strength to get a tissue. “I was their perfect child.”

  “Louisa, you don’t have to be perfect for me.” His words, soft and strong, healed part of her heart.

  She slid out of the chair and into his arms and let him hold her while she cried for the little girl she used to be. And for her precious daughter, Madison, and the fears she would have to overcome.

  Epilogue

  On the deck, Loui
sa relaxed in the thick padded wicker swing. She’d need to take the cushions in tomorrow, since it was getting too cold to sit out here at night much longer. Most of the leaves had fallen, providing an unhampered view of the sky. The stars were plentiful and mirrored on the lake, appearing to be even more magnificent. Tim and Joey had been tucked into bed with a good-night story. Madison was in her room, either listening to her new purple iPod or talking on the phone with Hannah.

  Louisa’s eyes welled. She stretched the cuffs of her sweater over her hands to warm them. Her daughter almost had to live through the same horror she had lived through at twelve. The counselor Maddie was seeing felt she would recover and become even stronger. Thank you, God, for that miracle, she thought. Phil was in jail without bond, and Collin’s firm was representing Madison.

  Since she had hidden her own shame so deeply inside all these years, her healing would take longer. It would require a lot of work for her emotions to realize she wasn’t responsible for what had happened to her as a child. At least she felt better knowing someone believed her now.

  Conversations with her mother had been awkward at first. Louisa explained how she’d tried to tell her about the abuse, but she’d always thought her mother would be angry that her good daughter wasn’t perfect anymore. Her mom had crumbled like ancient text and begged Louisa’s forgiveness. It hadn’t been easy, but working with her therapist, Louisa had begun to travel the bumpy part of the forgiveness road. But the forgetting part of forgiveness would be the mountain climb of her life. She was beginning to understand that her mom couldn’t truly fathom the thought of what happened or the reality that she hadn’t caught the clues Louisa offered. If she faced the facts, the guilt would be too heavy for her to bear. As a mother, Louisa understood the need to remember the past in the very best light because only the present could be changed.