Musings of a Postmodern Vampire

by P. J. Day

Holly grabbed a slice of watermelon in the picnic basket and handed it to me.

  “Take a bite out of it while I take a picture,” Holly asked.

  Although kind of strange, I guess Holly’s request had some merit. However, she was emasculating me with this particular request. I’d play along. It was a fair trade-off, considering I got kind of physical with her by sensually rubbing her shoulders and then taking it to her waist without her permission.

  “I want you to bite it like you mean it!” she requested. Oh, what a teasing dare she’d made to me, unknowingly, a double entendre. To a vampire.

  I held the slice of watermelon with both hands and attacked it voraciously. Holly snapped a couple of pictures with my phone’s camera.

  She looked at the screen on the phone and stared at the picture. “Wow... your teeth,” she laughed, but didn’t seem too bothered by them, judging by her playful reaction.

  “Yeah, I know, they are kind of sharp. My dad had them too,” I said.

  “Like a vampire, very cool. You didn’t get them artificially sharpened, like those body modification addicts you see on television? Right?” she inquired.

  “No, of course not! This is how I was born. I have always thought about getting them trimmed, but it makes me unique, you know?”

  My string of lies was getting longer by the minute. Not a particularly strong foundation for a relationship, if it ever got to that point.

  “So, are you ready for the main course?” I asked.

  “Yes, I’m hungry! What did you make?”

  As soon as I began to take the lamb out of the containers, we heard a strange sound emanating from the bottom of the cliffs. It sounded like an angry cow with a slight gargle at the end of its sickly moo.

  “What the hell was that?” I asked.

  “I have no clue. Is that coming from down there?” she said, pointing to the edge of the cliff.

  We both carefully got up from the picnic blanket. Holly was slightly wobbly and knocked over her glass, spilling the remaining wine onto the blanket.

  “I’m so sorry,” she said.

  “No, it’s okay. Here, let me just put this towel over the spill; it’ll absorb it.”

  I placed the small towel over the spill. Holly made her way to the edge of the cliff.

  “Holly, wait! Be careful.” She was a bit tipsy and my inner danger alarm prickled at me as she got close to the edge of the cliff.

  “I’m fine, Jack.”

  I got up quickly from the blanket and made my way to Holly. I softly grabbed both of her arms to steady her as we both peered over the cliff edge.

  I could see the tide crashing onto the rocks below. The white sea foam was the only thing, barely visible, and nothing else. It was completely dark, and the ghastly sound continued to reverberate throughout the cliffside below.

  “Grawwwwwlllargggllle.” The creature’s infirmed howl continued to grow louder.

  “Is that some sort of dog or something?” she asked, looking at me for some type of affirmation.

  “I don’t know. It could be a pelican or a seagull. Maybe an otter?”

  “There are no otters out here. Do you have a flashlight?” she asked.

  “Yeah, but it’s in the car.”

  We continued to peer over the cliff. I didn’t feel comfortable standing at its precipice. The dirt at the edge was still noticeably moist from the showers we had a couple of days ago. I was afraid that the dirt underneath our feet was going to collapse under our weight, tumbling us down thirty feet into the jagged rocks below.

  “Do you have a flashlight app on your phone?” Holly asked.

  “Hold on, let me find it.”

  I scrolled through all the apps on my phone, and pressed the one that had the little flashlight icon. The app could turn my camera’s flash into a flashlight. It was strong enough to be used in a car at night if one was searching between the seats for a lost item, but couldn’t brighten any distance beyond three feet.

  “This isn’t going to work,” said Holly, as she pointed the light of the phone toward the rocks below.

  “That sucks. Whatever it is, we should leave it alone. Let’s eat.”

  “No! We need to go down there. What if it’s an injured sea animal?” she said, giving me a determined stare.

  “You want to go down the trail? In the dark?”

  “Yes. Whatever is down there might need our help!” pleaded Holly.

  “We have a good thing going. How about we finish our dinner and then, if whatever is down there is still alive, we’ll check it out.”

  “That’s kind of cruel, don’t you think, Jack? Are you going to be able to eat dinner while this thing is pleading for help, maybe for its life?”

  I shrugged my shoulders and let out a sigh. “Fine, we’ll go down there. However, you are going to have to hold onto my arm. It’s very dark and possibly very treacherous. I don’t want you slipping or falling and bumping your pretty little head.”

  Holly rolled her eyes. She hastily made her way to the beginning of the trail. I immediately kept pace with her.

  “Watch your step, Holly. I mean it! It’s very dangerous.”

  The trail was nowhere near as treacherous as I made it out to be. It was fairly wide, and only had a couple of winding turns before it ended down at the rocky beach.

  As we descended, the smell of the blooming kelp became stronger and more pronounced. It was a pungent smell, one of overwhelming salinity and brine. Nostalgic memories of sand castles, beach balls, and fire pits tricked my brain into perceiving it as pleasant.

  “GRAWLLLLLLLLLL!!!”

  The creature’s sound was louder than ever. There was a deep resonance of suffering in the creature’s cry. Whatever it was that made the particular sound, seemed to have a deep, cavernous skull that could project such an inhuman cry up the side of the cliff and down my spine. Holly pointed to the rocks just a few feet below us, at the bottom of the trail.

  “Jack, it’s coming from right there... do you see it?”

  It was exceedingly dark and extremely difficult to see between the rocks, just random shadows that could be mistaken as some sort of organic life forms.

  “I can’t see a thing, Holly. I just see rocks. This is a bad idea. What if this thing bites us? Let’s go back up.”

  I knew this was my final plea to Holly that we shouldn’t be messing with nature. Especially if whatever was down there was rabid and if we got hurt, no one would find us until the next morning.

  “Give me your phone,” she asked, hurriedly grabbing it away from my hand as I took it out of my pocket. She pressed the virtual flashlight button on the phone and scanned the rocks.

  “There it is, Jack. Oh, my God! Poor thing!” Holly’s calmness led the way to a high-pitched voice, filled to the brim with maternal concern.

  The creature’s large eyes squinted at the camera’s light as it bellowed out another sickly growl. What I thought earlier was the Kraken or some sort of mysterious ocean creature that Poseidon himself could not tame, turned out to be just an injured sea lion, no more than three and a half feet in length, probably a juvenile. It had a large, bloody gash right by its lower flippers. The animal was obviously in intense agony. The cold and jagged, blood-soaked rocks underneath its blubbery underbelly were not helping the poor creature find any sense of comfort.

  “I think he has been bitten by a shark. He’s missing a large chunk of flesh. Jack, we need to help it!”

  Immediately, I thought, Do I look like Steve Irwin? In fact, I don’t think Steve himself would’ve gone to great lengths in helping the shark-bitten sea lion survive its predicament. He probably would have let nature take its course. Holly is lucky I don’t imitate Bear Grylls and use what’s left of the animal as a makeshift wetsuit.

  “Umm... I have absolutely no idea what we can do here. I mean, I can call a vet or something. Here, give me the phone,” I said.

  I browsed my maps directory, looking for the nearest 24-hour animal hospital. The only one I could
find was the South Bay Rescue Veterinary. I dialed the phone number.

  “Hello? Hi, I’m at Abalone Cove Beach, and we found an injured sea lion on the beach. Can you guys send a vet down here?” As soon as I asked this, Holly crossed her arms and gave me a disappointed look. She quietly scolded me, “Jack, we will take the sea lion over to them if we have to.”

  I shook my hand back and forth at her, indicating that this was certainly not an option. I vaguely worried about the upholstery of my Audi and a bloody, unpredictable, juvenile sea lion. She furrowed her brow and slightly pouted her lips at me. She was not happy with my lack of effort.

  “Okay, we will bring the sea lion to you. Do you guys fix... I mean, treat injured sea lions?” I asked.

  “No, we do not,” said the lady on the phone. “We don’t care for wild animals.”

  “Do you know of anyone who could, at this time of night? The animal is clearly in pain. It looks like a great white shark took a bite out of him,” I said, as the sea lion let out another haunting snarl.

  “Yes, you can call the Marine Mammal Care Center.” She gave me the phone number and I keyed it into my phone as she told it to me. The woman finished up by saying, “They take care of injured harbor seals and sea lions. Good luck!”

  “Thank you so much. I’ll give them a call.”

  I hung up. Holly gave me a worried look and walked right up to me.

  “What did they say?”

  “To call this place for injured sea lions. They are right up the street; I hope they’re still open.”

  I dialed the phone number. Holly grabbed my arm and stared at the seal while resting her head on my shoulder. Had Fate sacrificed the poor pinniped’s health with this cruel destiny, just so I could step up to the plate as a rescuer and look like a hero to Holly? On second thought, that is such a selfish thought. There is definitely more compassion if one accepts the randomness of this entire predicament rather than contemplating self serving matters of fate.

  The phone rang and immediately went to a voice message. “Thank you for calling the Marine Mammal Care Center. Our office is currently closed. If you wish to report an injured or sick animal, please leave a message, and one of our staff members will call you back. For safety reasons, do not pick up an injured animal. For all other questions or concerns, please call back during normal operating hours between 5:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. Thank you.”

  I felt terrible that I had to break the bad news to Holly that the animal had to be left alone until morning. Either she or I would have to make the phone call as soon as the care center opened. With a little good fortune, the animal could still be alive by dawn.

  “Holly, we have to leave him here. The center doesn’t open until 5:00 a.m. I could leave a message, but I don’t think they have an after-hours rescue operation. I’m sorry,” I said, as I noticed her eyes began to tear up slightly. Oh no, not tears!

  She stepped back and shook her head.

  “No, Jack, we can’t leave it here. It’s going to die! It’ll bleed to death.”

  “We can’t do anything. We have no choice—”

  “Yes, we do!” she interjected in a tone of fervent protest. Holly wasn’t taking no for an answer.

  Holly rigidly stood up in a commanding posture and looked straight into my eyes.

  “We are going to stop the bleeding and take him to the center until someone shows up!”

  I stood my ground and put my hands on my hips. “I have to work tomorrow. I leave for work at seven in the morning. There is no way we can pull this off.”

  Holly’s resolute expression remained unchanged.

  “I thought you were full of empathy, Jack.”

  It felt particularly strange getting judged by a woman I hardly knew over a scenario as bizarre as how to rescue a sea lion. If we had met over a dating website, this probably would have been one of their weirdest testimonials.

  “I’m empathetic; I feel for the poor thing, but we both have to work tomorrow morning. Plus, it would probably bite me if I tried picking it up,” I said, as I pointed at the injured sea lion. “And then there would be the rabies shots...” I trailed off. Her expression was firm. She was not backing down. I was starting to see that the Holly who let me put my hands all over her was not the same Holly who stood her ground in other situations.

  “Jack, I thought you were different from other guys,” she said, and I inwardly cringed. She continued, “I thought you cared about important things, like matters of life and death, and what is just and right.”

  Sheesh. She talked about me like I was Superman. I stared at the injured animal. My brain began processing many things at once. What if the sun came up before the volunteer arrives? Would the animal bite me? Would I proceed to kill it out of rage after I’m bitten, crushing my prospects with Holly in the process? Actually, I didn’t know what would happen if a vampire was bitten by another species. I looked at her face and her eyes dropped a bit in disappointment. She was losing faith in me, fast. I sighed and kissed that new car smell of my Audi goodbye.

  “Fine, Holly! You’re right. Please help me put the stuff back in the car. I’ll get the picnic blanket, and a couple of towels I have in my trunk, so we can stop its bleeding before we put it in the back seat,” I said.

  Her distraught look gave way to a bright smile that reached from ear to ear. As she… got her way with me. She came up to me and gave me a tight hug.

  “Thank you, Jack. You probably have saved this poor sea lion’s life,” she said, her face firmly pressed against my chest.

  We quickly made our way back to our picnic blanket. Holly swiftly placed all the picnic ware into the basket. I grabbed the blanket, and we raced to the car. I opened the trunk, grabbed the flashlight and two beach towels I had in there from when I went night surfing a couple of weeks ago. Holly placed all the items in the trunk, I proceeded to shut it, and we both hurried back to the sick animal on the rocky beach.

  We both carefully trod the rocks leading up to the sea lion. I could see tiny little crabs scurrying in and out between them. It was still low tide and luckily, the water hitting the beach was still a few yards away.

  “Watch your step. I don’t want you to twist an ankle,” I said.

  “I’m fine. I took my shoes off. You’re the one who kept yours on. They look kind of slippery,” she said, just a half a step behind me. “The rocks, I mean.”

  We were now two feet away from the sea lion. I pointed the flashlight at the animal. The sea lion kept moving its head and its tail up at the same time, creating a U shape. It was probably the only way the poor animal could physically counteract any of its pain through its limited movement.

  “Okay, so how do we do this?” I asked.

  “You can try putting a towel over its head. I think it’s better if the seal can’t see what’s going on.”

  I slowly approached the animal, lowered myself, and was about one foot away from its head. Even though the sea lion was in tremendous pain, miraculously, it didn’t attempt to snap at me; it was probably too fatigued, due to its injuries. I stretched the blanket and rapidly threw it over its head. I wrapped my arms around the towel and the animal’s neck. I expected thrashing; none ensued.

  “Grab the other towel and use it as a tourniquet for its tail. That should stop the bleeding,” I said to Holly, as I remained attached to the sea lion’s head and neck.

  “I’ll hold its head so you don’t get bitten.”

  Holly tightly wrapped the towel onto the animal’s tail section. The sea lion let out a sharp howl and quick jolt. Luckily, it was temporary, and the sea lion seemed immediately relaxed in relief, probably because its wound was no longer exposed to the elements.

  “Let me wrap him up in the blanket,” said Holly.

  “Please, and make sure your tourniquet is on tight. I don’t want the animal bleeding profusely through the blanket and all over my backseat,” I said.

  “No sweat, I know what I’m doing. I think.”

  Holly made sure th
e towel was wrapped tightly around the seal’s tail. She then unwrapped the blanket and proceeded to cover the entire body of the animal, going around it twice.

  “Are you ready to lift?” asked Holly.

  Luckily for us, the sea lion wasn’t all that big. Holly and I had more than enough strength to carry the animal from the beach all the way up the cliffside.

  “Let’s go! I have the head, and you get the tail. Be careful, don’t grab it by its wound,” I said.

  Holly reminded me that she had everything under control. “Way ahead of you, Jack.”

  We both lifted the sea lion from the rocks and carefully walked back toward the trail, each step just as methodical as the other. We made it to the trail just fine. The sea lion was surprisingly stable throughout the whole ordeal.

  “Either this is the most irresponsible thing I have ever done, or I’m going to feel extremely fulfilled if we save this little guy’s life,” I said.

  “Don’t worry, Jack; we are absolutely doing the right thing.”

  We made it to the top of the cliffside without any further complications. Even though Holly had a firm grip on the animal’s backside, she was still careful in not touching the area of the injury. It was impressive, to say the least, considering the animal was beginning to squirm a little, once we made it to higher ground.

  We arrived at my car. I carefully wrapped my left arm around the sea lion’s neck as I pressed the unlock button on the keys that were in my pants pocket.

  “I’ll be in the backseat with our friend here. You drive, okay?” I told Holly, as I slowly opened the back door.

  “Are you sure?” she asked.

  “Yeah, it’s fine. You know how to drive a stick, right?”

  “Yes, of course,” she said, as she carefully placed the sea lion into the back seat while I stepped in, holding up the animal’s head with the utmost care, its face still covered with a towel.

  Holly closed the back door and promptly entered the driver’s seat. She adjusted the seat for her legs.

  “How do I use this thing?” she asked, pointing at the dash with a light laugh.

  “Its voice activated. Here, let me show you. Marine Mammal Care Center... San Pedro, California.” I made sure I was loud and clear, so the on-board navigation system would recognize my directions.