by A. T Brennan
“What are you up to right now? Do you want to get coffee?” She closed the lid to the washer and set it to wash.
“Um, sure. What about our laundry?”
“Craig can do yours at the same time, if you like.”
“Craig?”
“He’s the one who let me in the building.” She gave me a wicked grin and shrugged. “He’s a freshman, not my usual, but he’s on the hockey team and he doesn’t just handle pucks well.”
“Oh, um, sure.”
“Great. I’ll just text him and tell him to move your stuff over too.” She pulled out her phone and typed out a quick message.
“He won’t mind?”
“After I spent Thanksgiving worshiping his cock and riding him like a rodeo horse? No. That boy would do just about anything I asked right about now.” She winked and nodded for me to follow her.
“I don’t have my wallet on me.”
“Do you have your ID?”
“Yeah.”
“Then don’t worry about it. You get me back into the building and I got you covered.”
“Thanks.”
I followed Mel out of the laundry room and tried not to smile. One coffee didn’t exactly equal a friendship, but maybe it was a start.
* * * * *
“So, I’ve talked your ear off for the last half hour about my life, what about you?” Mel asked as she leaned back in the comfortable booth.
We’d gotten to the shop and she’d bought us coffee. After settling into a corner booth she’d proceeded to tell me all about her life and what she had going on, including the guys she’d hooked up with, and I was a bit jealous, and in awe.
I’d never met a girl who was so comfortable with her sexuality before, and it made me feel like a giant prude. Everything she’d talked about was something I wanted to do with Matt, but I couldn’t even convince him to have sex with me, let alone experiment.
“Well...” The urge to tell her about Matt and everything that was going on in my head was almost overwhelming, and I was having a hard time holding back.
“You look like something’s weighing you down. I know we weren’t close last year, and that’s on both of us. I was testing my wings and I got a little carried away with the freedom. I always liked you and I think we could have been really good friends if we’d both reached out.”
“I thought so too.” I nodded. It was true. I’d always liked her and wished we could have been close and not just passing acquaintances who shared a room. I’d been intimidated by her confidence and I’m sure I’d seemed like a giant loser compared to the people she was used to hanging out with.
“You can talk to me about whatever’s bothering you. I’m a lot less self-centered now. I realized I was so focused on me and having fun last year I didn’t give a lot of people a chance, including you.”
“I didn’t exactly try to be on your level at all.”
“Well we’re here now. What’s bothering you?”
I took a deep breath and let the whole story out. I told her everything about Matt and how we’d started messing around, how we were now in a secret relationship and about how he didn’t want to have sex with me. I told her about Logan and how I was so confused about the whole thing.
By the time I was done I felt ten pounds lighter. She hadn’t said a word, just nodded and let me talk, but I felt better after letting it all out.
“Wow. That’s a tough place to be.” She paused. “And you want him to be your first?”
“I do.” I bit my lip. “Logan was telling me about how losing your virginity can be, but he’s a guy so...”
“You want to know about my first time?” She gave me an understanding smile. “To get a girls perspective.”
“If you don’t mind.”
“I rushed into it.” She sighed. “I was thirteen.”
“Wow,” I said before I could stop myself.
“Yeah.” She nodded. “It was with a boy at school. We were ‘dating’ in that middle school way where you go to the movies with all your friends and sit together, holding hands. He was a grade ahead of me. I don’t know why I was in such a rush, but I wanted to be the first of my friends to ‘do it’. I had no idea what ‘it’ was all about and when we did have sex it was terrible. It hurt, a lot. He didn’t do anything for me other than tell me to hold my breath before he shoved it in. It lasted about ten seconds and that was it. He dumped me the next day and moved on to a girl in his grade.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’ve had a lot of sex with a lot of guys. I’m not ashamed, but the truth is no matter how many awesome nights I have, that’s the time I remember the clearest. I wish I’d waited at least a few years and found someone I cared about. I shouldn’t have rushed into it the way I did and I regret that.”
“Do you think I’m a freak for still being a virgin?”
“Not at all. Everyone develops at their own pace. I think there’s a very sexual woman inside you that’s dying to get out, though.”
I blushed at her words. She wasn’t wrong.
“Come on. Let’s go back to your dorm and I’ll tell you everything your gay best friend can’t.”
“Really?”
“Of course.” She grinned. “Birth control and female pleasure are things he won’t have a clue about, I’ve got you on those. He might know how to seduce a man and suck dick like a champ, but I’m pretty good at that too so I’ll let you in on my secrets.”
I flushed at her words. This was exactly what I’d needed ever since I realized I was in lust with Matt. Now that I was in love with him I really needed to know everything because something told me watching porn to get pointers wasn’t the best way to try and navigate sex when I was still a rookie on the bench.
“I’ll tell you anything you want to know, you just have to ask. Positions, techniques, tips. Whatever you need. If you waited this long and you’ve found your man then I’m going to help you get him, and have the best night possible.”
“Thanks.”
Ever since we’d started talking in the laundry room I’d felt a connection with Mel that hadn’t been there before, and now I felt like we were on our way to becoming real friends.
I was finally going to have a girlfriend.
* * * * *
By the time Mel left my dorm room her handsome boy-toy had dropped off our laundry and she’d told me everything I’d ever wanted to know about sex, plus everything I’d never known to ask about.
She’d been really patient with me, explaining things on a level I could understand, and she hadn’t laughed or rolled her eyes once. When I’d told her about my desires to act out things that were a little kinky she’d giggled and told me how to do it without putting myself in danger.
It was awesome talking to not only a girl, but to her, and I felt a lot more prepared for everything.
I knew all about birth control, but I’d put off going to the Health Center to get any. I’d been embarrassed, but Mel had pointed out that even if Matt was an incredible and wonderful guy who would always wear a condom, they sometimes failed. As a woman it was my responsibility to look after my own sexual health and I needed to find a method that worked for me.
I’d made an appointment and managed to get in the next day. After talking to one of the nurses she’d suggested I go on the pill. There were lots of different types out there and it was the least invasive option. I didn’t trust the patch even though the science was sound and the side-effects from the shot seemed a little too severe for me. The pill seemed like the best option for me, and I’d called my dad to ask if I was covered under his medical insurance for any of it.
That had been a tough conversation to have, but my dad had always been pretty cool when it came to personal things. He’d always told me he’d rather I talk to him about things that might make us uncomfortable and have some support then try to deal with them alone. My mom wasn’t so cool. Until I was seventeen she hadn’t let me even say the word ‘sex’ in the house. She’d never given me
‘the talk’ and she still made me close my eyes when we watched TV or movies together and the characters got a little frisky. I guess it was her way to try and protect me, but information was a much better tool than ignorance when it came to things like my health and reproductive wellbeing.
It turned out it wasn’t covered, but he’d told me to just put it on the credit card when I needed a refill and he’d pay it without telling mom. After my wallet had been stolen he’d sent me a new card and I hadn’t used it yet. He also told me I was old enough to make my own decisions, and to make sure I was safe.
That meant a lot to me, and while I hated to have to take money from him I felt better knowing that I was getting an option that would work for me instead of going for something cheaper that might fail because I didn’t use it properly.
After talking to the nurse a doctor had come in and given me a prescription. She’d also given me a pack of condoms and explained about doubling up on protection if I wasn’t with someone I completely trusted.
I’d been at the right time in my cycle to start taking them and she’d said I would protected after a week. She’s also given me a handful of sexual health pamphlets and I’d been on my merry way feeling pretty empowered.
It was something so silly, but getting the pill and taking charge of my body made me feel more in control of my life and more confident. If Matt changed his mind then I would be ready to be with him. If he didn’t then I was still in control of my body and taking care of myself.
Chapter Twelve
MATT
Matt: I miss you
Avery: I miss you too :(
Matt: it’s been forever since we saw each other
Avery: I know, but I’ve been hanging out with Mel and Logan and you’ve had all those extra labs
Matt: I know
Avery: when will you be done tonight?
Matt: around 9
Avery: come to my room? We can hang out
Matt: I’m supposed to meet up with my brothers at the phi beta party
Avery: oh
Matt: I can’t blow them off again without a good reason
Avery: well Mel and I are going too. Guess I’ll see you there
I stared at my phone and resisted the urge to press ‘call’ and demand to know why she hadn’t told me she was going to the party until that minute.
I didn’t own her. Her time was her own and if she wanted to go to a party then it would be a dick move on my part to demand anything, especially since I’d blown her off because I was going to the same party.
I hated that we never had any time together. I was happy she had more friends and was starting to go out and be social, but I was jealous that meant she had less time for me. I also hated lying to everyone.
Jay, Jax, and Logan had all made multiple comments about my lack of ‘dates’ ever since I met Avery. Every party I went to there were girls hitting on me and the old me would have taken them home and shown them a good night without even thinking twice. Now I had a secret girlfriend and the last thing on my mind was cheating on her.
I didn’t want anyone else, and while the attention was flattering it wasn’t tempting. These girls might be gorgeous and aggressive and everything I’d always gone for, but they weren’t Avery so I didn’t feel any read desire for them.
I’d told the twins I was taking a break and was getting a little tired of the casual sex. Jay seemed to want to agree with me but Jax had scoffed. I was the biggest manwhore of all of us and had always been the most vocal about casual sex over any other kind.
I’d told Logan I was stressed out and not really feeling it. I had a lot on my mind, which was true, and I didn’t feel like adding chicks to the mix. He’d had enough of his one-nighters come back to bite him in the ass, figuratively speaking, that he said he understood.
Now I had to go to another party and watch my brothers hook up and try not to stare at Avery. Her new friend was nice, but she had a reputation and was a bit of a party girl so Avery was going to a lot of parties. I trusted her, even when she went without me, but I didn’t like how other guys stared at her. I hated seeing them hit on her, and while she was getting better with brushing them off and seeing the difference between a drunk douchenozzle hitting on anything in tight jeans and a guy who seemed genuinely interested in her, it still pissed me off that they thought she was single and available.
I wanted to be her boyfriend. I wanted to be able to take her places and tell everyone she was with me. I wanted to be able to hold her hand in public, kiss her when she looked especially beautiful and let the entire world know that I was one lucky bastard to have such an awesome girl pick me. But we had to keep everything a secret so I didn’t get to do any of that, and I wondered how long she’d put up with it before she realized she deserved better.
The best thing would be to end things so she could find someone who could give her everything she needed and do all of that for her, but the thought of her with anyone else made me feel physically sick. She wasn’t mine, that was the Neanderthal way of looking at things. She was with me and she’d chosen me, and I couldn’t let her go.
Every time I talked to her, saw her, it would reaffirm that I was completely in love with her, but I still didn’t know how she felt about me. I could see she liked me a lot. She couldn’t hide anything and her eyes gave her away. Her eyes said she liked me but did she love me?
The entire situation was so fucked up. Why did I have to fall in love with my brother’s best friend? Of all the girls in the world I’d fallen for the one I’d promised to stay away from.
* * * * *
“Who pissed in your beer?” Jay asked as he glanced over at me. We’d been at the party for almost an hour and I had to admit I was being a bit of a jerk.
“No one.”
“Really, because I swear you’re about to punch out the next guy who talks to Avery.”
I whipped my head around to stare at him so fast I ended up spilling the rest of my drink all over my hand. “What?”
“I’m not blind, Matt. I see the way you look at her.”
“There’s nothing going on.” I stammered. “She’s Logan’s best friend.”
“Yeah, and Jax and I aren’t twins.” He smirked. “Look, man, I don’t know what’s going on, but I can see it plain as day. You’re into her and she’s into you.”
“Is it that obvious?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Has Jax figured it out?”
“It won’t be long until he does.” He grinned. “What’s going on between you?”
“We’re together...kind of.”
“Matt Robson has a girlfriend?” Jay almost burst out laughing and I glared at him.
“Say that a bit louder, douche.”
“Sorry, I just never thought I’d see the day you settled down.” He shook his head. “So how are you only kind of together? Is that why she’s over there and you’re over here and both of you are failing at pretending you’re not staring at each other?”
“Yeah. Pretty much.”
“Why?”
“Logan.”
“What about him?”
“He told me to stay away from her.”
“Why?”
“She’s...innocent.”
“She’s still got her v-card.” He nodded and finished his beer. “Wouldn’t that mean she’s off limits to you too? Since you always swore you’d never fuck a virgin.”
“Yeah. I tried to stay away from her but I couldn’t. I don’t know what it is about her but I can’t get her out of my head. I can’t walk away from her.”
“You love her.” He was now staring at me open mouthed. “Holy fuck, you’re in love.”
“Shhhh. And yes.”
“So if you love her then why are you freaking out about her being a virgin? If she was just a lay then I’d say yeah, you’d be a dick to deflower her and then bolt, but if you love her and want to stick around, isn’t that what girls save themselves for? Or does she not believe in sex before marr
iage?”
“She definitely doesn’t believe that. She’s pretty much asked me to fuck her, multiple times.”
“And yet you don’t.”
“What if she regrets me?”
“She might not. And do you really like the idea of another guy doing it? She’s not going to stay a virgin forever, and if it’s not you then it’ll be someone else.”
I stared at him.
“Look, I’ve been with virgins, and at her age she knows what she wants. You might be trying to protect her but at a certain point it’s not your decision to make. If she wants to be with you and you want to be with her, then you pulling this Victorian bullshit of protecting her virtue is going to backfire. There’s only so many times a girl can feel rejected before she starts to resent you.”
“Fuck...”
“Think about it. You’re in love with a girl for the first time in your life and you actually want to be with her. I know Logan and how he can get, and I understand how you feel like you owe him, but it’s your life and at a certain point you gotta live it. If being all secretive is what works for you then awesome, but don’t push her away because you’ve got it in your head that you have to protect her from herself.”
I had no idea what to say. Everything he’d said made sense, and hearing it had really sent me into a mental and emotional spiral. I wasn’t protecting Avery from me, I was trying to protect her from herself and I was trying to make a decision about her body for her. I wasn’t holding out because of my beliefs or what I wanted, I was holding back because I didn’t think I was good enough for her and didn’t want her to regret being with me.
It was fucked up and it was wrong, and Jay was right. She was old enough to make up her own mind about her body, and I had to stop trying to protect her and let her decide when she was ready. It was time to let her be in control. This should be about her, and I was going to give her the power instead of taking it from her like I had been.
AVERY
“You’re getting better at that.”
“At what?” I looked over at Mel as we sipped our drinks. She’d taught me how to pace myself so I wasn’t afraid to drink in public anymore.