by Gwynn White
The sound made me jump.
When I pulled away though, he leaned into me, bringing his face back down to mine. He wrapped an arm cautiously around my back, tugging me against him as I caressed his face, kissing the side of his mouth. I heard him gasping lightly when I paused, and when I looked up, his hand caught in my hair.
He kissed my mouth harder that time, and more like he had in the bar, using his tongue. He leaned his weight when I kissed him back, tightening his hold. After a few seconds I felt that pain thing in my chest, like I had before.
When it worsened, he let out another groan, startling me.
I was going back into that mindless space, like I had in the bar.
I forgot Jaden, where we were, what I was even doing with this guy, the crazy story he’d told me about who he was, the expensive-looking gun sitting on the dining room table. I found myself trying to slide my hands under his shirt, but he caught hold of my wrists, pinning me to the armrest and the back of the couch.
He kissed me again, harder, pressing his weight into me deliberately.
When he paused that time, looking down at me, his eyes were glazed.
“Fuck,” he said. “I want to take off my shirt.” He looked down at me, and I realized he was staring at my bare stomach. “What the hell are you wearing, anyway?”
I frowned up at him. “Excuse me?”
“I like it,” he said, closing his eyes briefly. “Gaos. I like it a lot. You just… you don’t normally dress like this.”
I wasn’t sure how to answer that. Before I could wrap my head around trying, he kissed me again, coiling his fingers into my hair and kissing me harder.
I could feel it then. I have no idea how. I didn’t hear him speak.
Yet somehow, meaning started passing between us, more than the usual in moments shared like this. It wasn’t just him pulling on me to kiss him harder, to do something I’d done again, to grip him tighter, put my hand under his clothes––although I felt pulls like that, too.
It wasn’t even just a desire for sex, although that was definitely present.
I was still trying to understand when I felt it on him again, right before his hands tightened until they nearly hurt. He pressed his weight into mine, gasping, and I found myself undoing the front of his shirt. That time, he didn’t stop me.
As soon as I’d finished, he brought my hand down to his belt. He didn't let me touch him, but I realized he was hard, that he wanted me to touch him there, too, badly enough that his hand tightened painfully around mine, holding me off him.
After a few more seconds of that, I found myself gasping with him, trying to get free of his hold. He groaned louder when I pressed up against him. We were lying prone on the couch by then, and he kissed me again, arching his body into mine, and it crossed my mind that he'd been lying before, that we were really going to have sex––
He raised his head.
“No.” His voice was a gasp. “No. No… we’re not.”
His face tightened as he looked at me. I watched his eyes close, longer than a blink. When he opened them again, his expression looked pained. I felt it in my chest somehow, deepening into that nausea as he continued to stare down at me.
“No.” He met my gaze, shaking his head. “No, Allie,” he said, adamant.
“Okay,” I said.
“We can’t,” he said.
“You said that.”
“I meant it. I wasn't lying.”
“Okay.” I paused, then added, “You’re a really good kisser. A little too good.”
That pain coming off him briefly worsened.
It got bad enough that time, I bit my lip, closing my eyes. “God.” I blurted it out, before I knew I meant to say anything. “What is that? What are you doing?”
He’d been lowering his face to mine. He paused, then lowered it the rest of the way, pressing his cheek to mine, leaning into me.
“What is what?” he said, gruff.
“That pain. What is that?”
There was a silence.
He let out a humorless grunt. “You’re kidding, right?”
Heat flooded into my chest without warning, and that pain worsened, forcing a half-groan from my lips. I writhed under him, and felt another shock of heat hit at me. I realized some of it was coming from him, some of it from me. It felt like it was amplifying back and forth, like echoes in a pond, hitting one another and getting louder.
“Echoes.” He pressed his cheek to mine, right before he raised his head. Lowering his weight, he wrapped his arms around me, pressing his bare upper body against mine. “That’s right, echoes.” He kissed my neck near my ear, murmuring to me. “Gaos. You’re a good kisser, too, Allie. Where the fuck did you learn to kiss like that?”
I wrapped my arms around him under his shirt, and felt the pain on him worsen, sliding into me like liquid heat, cutting my breath.
“That pain,” I said, realizing suddenly I understood. “That’s you turned on?”
A sharper stab of it hit into me, along with more of that liquid heat. When he met my gaze, his cheeks had colored.
“Yes,” he said. “You really didn’t know that?”
My hands were massaging him now, pulling on him, exploring his back. I felt scars there, enough that I wanted him to turn over, to show me. I felt that pain on him worsen. When it did, a hotter stab caught me off guard in my chest, making me bite my lip.
“That’s you,” he said, softer, kissing my jaw. “That’s you turned on.”
Nodding, I looked up at him, feeling my cheeks warm. “I see.”
He returned my stare, his crystal-like eyes glazed. He closed them again, longer than a blink, then looked away altogether. “Can we stop talking about this?”
“About that pain thing?”
“About any of it. About the kissing, the pain thing…”
“Why?”
Looking down at me, he winced when I stroked his spine, right before he let out a grunt. “Why? Why do you think? I have to be the responsible one right now. You’re not exactly helping. In any sense of the word. If I didn’t know better, I’d think…”
He trailed.
Looking down, he stared at my mouth again, conflict in his eyes.
My fingers were wrapped around his shoulder, massaging the muscle there. My other hand clutched the front of his shirt. He still held me down with his weight, his hand caught in my hair as he looked at me. His eyes fell even more out of focus, the longer I touched him, the longer he looked at me. I massaged the base of his spine, and he winced, right before he leaned his weight deeper into me.
I found myself caressing his bare chest inside the shirt, feeling him want that, too.
Another, harder thread of his pain hit out at me. His eyes fell to my hands on him and he closed them again. He opened them a few beats later, and I saw that pain make his expression hard.
“Gaos. We should stop.”
“Okay,” I said.
His jaw clenched. Bending down, he kissed me again, lingeringly that time. I felt that heat in my chest intensify, and that time, I tried to copy what he was doing, to do it back. A few seconds later, he let out another, heavier groan. Gripping my hair in his hand, he clenched his fingers into a fist. He shocked me then, sinking his teeth into my neck. Somehow, that only made that pain in my chest worse––bad enough that I didn’t give a damn anymore.
When my hand fell to his belt, he caught hold of my wrist.
He stopped me so fast I jumped.
“Fuck.” He let out a low gasp. “Fuck. Okay. We have to stop.”
“Okay.”
“Gaos. You’re not helping. You’re really not helping, Allie.”
I shrugged, unapologetic.
“I’m okay with it,” I said. “You’re the one who said we can’t.”
He let out a disbelieving laugh. “Jesus.” For a moment he only lay there. Then he cursed in some other language, ending the string with, “…have to be out of my mind.”
He raised his
head, still holding my wrist. I saw him stare at my eyes again. The conflict there worsened, until I wondered if he was actually wavering. I started to think he might be, that he really might be changing his mind… when he started pulling himself off me.
I watched him go, biting my lip to keep from protesting.
I couldn’t help looking at him as he got up, noting the muscular chest, the fine, dark hair, a white scar in the shape of a question mark curling over one shoulder. He saw me staring down at his erection and gasped, his voice turning almost harsh.
“Jesus, Alyson. Don’t look at me like that.”
I felt my own jaw harden.
“This was your idea,” I reminded him.
“I know.”
“You wanted to do this. You asked me.”
“I know.”
He retracted his body and hands from around me, moving fluidly to the opposite end of the couch. He dropped his weight back into the cushions pretty much as far away from me as he could get without changing furniture. I watched him wince as he sat, running his fingers through his hair. He faced his body towards the fire and away from me.
He just sat there for a moment, looking into the flames, his forearms resting on his thighs.
“I’m sorry,” he said a moment later. His voice sounded more normal again. Taking a breath, he exhaled. “I wasn’t trying to blame anything on you. I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t normally…” He hesitated, looking at me. “I’m sorry, Allie. For the timing. And I’m sorry for the cracks I made. About Jaden.”
A little startled, I only looked at him a moment.
Then I frowned, shaking my head.
“Jaden’s not your fault,” I said.
There was a silence where I watched him look into the fire.
“Are you all right?” I said finally.
I heard him make that low clicking sound before he answered, his voice humorous.
“I’m fine. You?”
“I’ve been better.”
He grunted another laugh, clicking louder. I heard humor in it that time, too.
Still watching his face, I hesitated, noticing my chest still hurt.
“So that pain?” I said, rubbing the center of my breast bone. “That’s a seer thing, right? Is that why I only feel it with you?”
His gaze sharpened on mine. “You only feel that with me?”
“Well, yeah. As far as I know. I don’t remember feeling it before.”
“How much do you feel it? A lot?”
“Enough,” I said, wincing as I rubbed my chest. “It hurts.”
Seeing the tautness rise back to his expression, I flushed, feeling that pain in my chest worsen, shifting into that deeper nausea as he looked at me.
“I felt it earlier, too,” I added. “…in the bar.”
“And you’ve never felt it before? You’re sure?” He swallowed, looking at my mouth. “Not with Jaden? Not with anyone else you’ve…” He hesitated, his gaze flickering up. “…no one else you’ve liked?”
“No.” I gave him a puzzled look. “I already said that. Why? Is something wrong?”
He frowned, but didn’t answer.
I watched his face as he looked at the fire, wondering if I should ask him again. I was still trying to decide when he turned back in my direction.
That time, his face and voice were carefully businesslike.
“Okay,” he said. “I guess we’d better start.”
Looking at him, I realized suddenly that I believed him.
I don’t know that I’d thought consciously that I believed all of it, but I believed him that he could do something to me that would make me forget.
I thought about losing every memory I’d had of the past thirty or forty hours, and a low-level panic hit me, sliding over my body in a rising wave. I thought about not knowing about him saving me from the bomb at SFO, or remembering yelling at him on the plane, or the crazy notes I’d gotten from Ponytail and his friends, or the female seer by the park, or that seer Jewel in the fetish bar. I thought about not remembering that Jaden cheated on me, or that I’d nearly died, or that this guy seemed to think his job was keeping me alive using his psychic powers.
I really might not remember this.
I really might not remember him.
“Hey, Revik, wait––” I began.
“Sleep, Allie,” he said.
His voice sounded almost tired.
Not just tired. Sad.
“Sleep… Now.”
The room, that piercing light gaze, the fire and everything around me disappeared.
I didn’t even remember closing my eyes.
27
Willful Illusions
I heard the voice before I could force open my eyes.
It must have woken me, but I felt no transition. Instead, it was like I was lost in a silent, blue-tinged pool of in-between, my mind wrapped in warm, clear light, soft as feathers.
I felt safe there. I felt so safe.
Only the voice intruded on that feeling.
“Allie,” it said, softer. “Come on, baby… we have to get up.”
Fingers caressed my face, brushing back my hair.
The touch was light, gentle, but I winced. I didn’t want to leave those feather-like clouds. I didn’t want to leave that place, but the off-key notes kept intruding, forcing me back to where everything was gray and dull, where I didn’t belong.
I resented it, even as I tried to hold on to that softer place.
“Hey,” he said, his mouth close to my ear. I felt his lips on my cheek, then my forehead. “Come on, Allie-angel,” he coaxed. “You’re far too pretty to stay asleep all morning.”
Frowning, I managed to open my eyes.
Immediately I winced, that time from the light. Not like the light hurt really; it was brighter than I expected, but it felt more as if my eyes were greeted by too much in general, more information than I could wrap my brain around right then.
It was so much easier in that other place, where everything was still, and so quiet.
Like floating. Swimming through a golden ocean of light…
White wings beat above me, so clear and soft I could imagine they were tinged blue.
“Allie, come on,” the voice coaxed. “I know you’re hungover, but I’m getting really hungry. I want you to come downstairs with me. There’s a diner right across the street that’s supposed to serve a killer brunch.”
I opened my eyes for longer that time.
A familiar face hung over mine.
Dark blue eyes softened when I looked up at them. Smiling back, I rubbed my face, stretching my back. My back hurt. My arms hurt, like someone had been playing tug a war, using my body as the rope. My wrists hurt, my legs.
My head pounded, but that much was in the distance still.
It was hard not to want to go back to that other place. It felt so familiar, wherever it was, but it was slipping away from me already.
“What time is it?” I managed, stretching again.
“Ten,” he said, glancing at the night table by the bed. He pulled the covers up, wrapping his arms around me. When I let my body go soft, he pulled me tighter against him. “Aren’t you hungry, baby?”
“A little.”
“Want some coffee?”
I smiled. “Do you even need to ask?”
He caressed my hair out of my face, and I blinked up at him again, smiling more.
He fingered my neck, and I winced at something he touched. “What’s up with the teeth marks?” he said, his voice teasing. “Did I do that? Or do I need to beat someone up?”
Frowning, I tried to think. “Teeth marks?”
“That’s what it looks like. You don’t remember?”
My fingers found the part of my neck he’d touched, and I winced again, feeling an uneven line in my skin. A deeper pain whispered through my chest as I fingered it. I fought to think, staring up at the ceiling, my brow furrowed.
“Is it a problem that I don’t remember c
oming back here last night?” I said.
He grinned. “I’m not surprised. You were hammered, Allie-girl. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that blasted before.”
“Really?” I frowned, trying to remember. I remembered the shots with Cass, then not a lot else. “I didn’t do anything too embarrassing, did I?”
“You mean other than leaving the club before my band started? Disappearing for like ten hours then being brought back here by that cop? Making us all go through interrogation because he was half-convinced you were on some kind of illegal drug?”
“What?” I opened my eyes, suddenly wide, wide awake. “What did I do?”
Jaden chuckled, kissing my face. “It’s okay, baby. You needed to blow off some steam. You’ll probably need to patch things up with Jon, though. He was pretty freaked out. I guess you dropped your headset outside the club, so he couldn’t even use GPS to find you. You’re lucky he and Cass found it before someone took off with it.”
I was still fighting to remember though, unable to believe I’d literally lost hours of my life, without so much as a flickering of helpful, if embarrassing, snippets of memory.
I’d never blacked out before. Not like that.
“What the hell was I drinking?” I said. “Moonshine?”
I stared at my wrists, seeing the red marks around them, which were rapidly turning into bruises. I swallowed.
“You said a cop brought me back?” I said. “Was I in handcuffs?”
“Yeah,” Jaden said, brushing my hair back again. “I don't think he roughed you up, though. He said you fought him, resisted arrest… then tried to get out of the cuffs in the back of his car.” He smiled, shaking his head. “He seemed all right. A little uptight, but it could have been a lot worse. He found you by the park, he said. Thank goodness you at least remembered the name of our hotel, or we probably would’ve been stuck picking you up at the drunk tank today…”