Flesh and Blood

by Allison Hobbs

  “Are you crying?”

  “No. I’m just upset that you’re accusing me of being gay,” he said in a trembling voice.

  “I’m not accusing you of anything. I want you to know that I love you whether you’re straight or gay. Your sexual orientation doesn’t matter to me. What matters is your character. The kind of man you turn out to be. Life is confusing for you right now, but I promise you that over time, it’s going to get easier. But you’ve got to be true to who you are and you have to be kinder to others.”

  The sniffling escalated to full-fledged tears, and I wished that I could have physically given him a hug.

  “Hey, hey, hey,” I soothed. “It’s gonna be all right, Phoenix.”

  “But I don’t like boys, Pops. I swear I don’t! I just wanted to know what it felt like to get a BJ. I didn’t think Baxter would really do it, but he did. And after it was over, I was so freaked out and disgusted with him and myself that I sort of took it out on him.”

  “Tell me this…why did you film it if you were so freaked out and disgusted?”

  “I don’t know. I thought I might want to look at it later.”

  “Phoenix, you’re too young to handle the emotional responsibility of sexual activity, whether it’s with a girl or a guy. Do you understand?”

  “Yeah, I think so.”

  “What’s upsetting to me is the way you turned on Baxter and vilified him.”

  “I just wanted to cover myself…protect my reputation in case he decided to blab about it.”

  “I understand. But I want you to know that the way you handled it was less than honorable. If a man doesn’t have personal integrity, he doesn’t have anything at all. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. When I was in my addiction, I started every day trying to figure out how I was going to get high. Manipulating, lying, and stealing were at the top of my list of important personal attributes, while honor, decency, and self-respect were at the very bottom.

  “I didn’t like myself very much back then, and it took a long time for me to be able to look in the mirror and not cringe.” Feeling myself getting choked up, I took a deep breath and swallowed. “Son, you know right from wrong, don’t you?”

  “Yes,” he said quietly.

  “Then live in truth. Starting rumors about another person simply to keep the spotlight off of yourself is wrong.”

  “You’re right, and I’m sorry.”

  “I still think that you need to talk to a professional. Not because I think you’re crazy or think something is wrong with you. I feel that therapy sessions would be beneficial in the long run. Your mom wouldn’t hesitate to get you counseling if you requested it.”

  “But…I can’t tell her the reason that I want therapy. It’s too embarrassing.”

  “You don’t have to tell her about any of this. And you only need to tell the therapist as much as you’re comfortable talking about. Over time, as you develop a rapport with him or her, I’m sure you’ll start sharing more. A therapist’s job is to listen and help you gain insight regarding the things you want to change in your life.”

  “Okay. I’ll do it.”

  A big smile blossomed on my face. Phoenix wasn’t the monstrous individual that I’d made him out to be. He was merely a scared kid who made stupid choices.

  “Good choice, and I’m proud of you. By the way, I hope I’ll get an opportunity to see you during the Christmas holidays when Sasha, Zoe, and I visit Philly.”

  “Yeah, you’ll see me. Grandma Copeland already told me you were coming.”

  “Oh, yeah? She told me how thrilled she was that she and my dad finally got to meet you. She couldn’t stop raving about how handsome and smart you are. She’s real proud that you’re fluent in French. Nowadays, you don’t find many kids that can speak a second language.”

  “Did you tell her that attending an all-French-speaking school wasn’t my decision? My parents thought it would help me get into Harvard one day.”

  “No, I didn’t tell her that because I didn’t realize that you felt forced to attend your school.”

  “Yeah, I pretty much hate it.”

  Hearing the joy drain from Phoenix’s voice, I switched topics. “So…tell me, is it weird to suddenly acquire an additional set of grandparents?”

  “It’s not weird at all. I feel like I’ve always known them. And it’s kind of cool seeing myself in them. I never had a close connection with my dad’s parents, and now I know why.”

  “Listen, son. I take the full responsibility for all the lies you’ve been told. If I’d had my life together, things would have gone in a completely different way. Both your mother and Everett thought they were doing the right thing for you.”

  “By lying about who I really am?”

  I sighed. “Anyway, I’m glad you’re developing a relationship with my parents. They have a lot of love in their hearts for you. And so do I. I really love you, Phoenix.”

  “I know you do, Pops.”

  I didn’t expect a thirteen-year-old to be comfortable throwing the word love around, and I was okay with him not saying that he loved me, too. Instinctually, I knew that he did.

  We ended the call with the promise to check in with each other at least once a week.

  Ever since the incident between Phoenix and Baxter, I’d been depressed and felt disconnected from everyone I loved. I hadn’t been the best husband to Sasha or the best father to Zoe. I’d been moody and distant, and the only reason Sasha put up with it was because she knew how badly I was suffering over the estrangement between Phoenix and me. I never told her the details of our riff; I merely told her that Phoenix had a sudden and severe bout of homesickness and wanted to go home.

  I could tell that she sensed there was more to the story, but she never pressured me to open up to her.

  But now that Phoenix and I had mended the relationship, my brooding was over and I felt like my old self. In fact, I felt better than I had in a long time.

  Driving home, there was a huge smile plastered on my face, and my sense of euphoria persisted when I entered the house.

  “What are you grinning about?” Sasha inquired, looking amused.

  I didn’t answer. I simply took her in my arms and hugged her tightly as I lifted her off the floor and swung her around.

  “What’s going on, Malik?” she asked as she squirmed out of the tight clutch I had around her waist.

  “I spoke to Phoenix over the phone, and we’re good again.”

  “You never mentioned that there was anything wrong between you two. You said that his sudden departure was due to being homesick.”

  “I wasn’t totally honest with you, Sasha. We had a disagreement over the bike he wanted me to buy him, and it escalated into a yelling match in the middle of the mall.”

  The lie rolled off my tongue with surprising ease.

  “Why couldn’t you tell me that when I asked why he left so abruptly?”

  “I was embarrassed.”

  “Why were you embarrassed?”

  “I wanted so desperately to have a great relationship with my son, and I felt like a failure, Sasha,” I said. It was a little white lie, but at least my statement was partially true.

  However, I was aware that my relationship with the truth had suffered greatly ever since Phoenix had entered our lives, and I promised myself that tonight would be the last time that I was dishonest with Sasha.

  With Phoenix back in Philadelphia, I couldn’t imagine any circumstances that would motivate me to hide the truth from her, ever again.

  • • •

  Two weeks later, while jogging through our neighborhood, I noticed a gigantic U-Haul in front of the Westfields’ house.

  “Are you guys moving?” I asked Baxter when he came outside carrying a box to the truck.

  “Yeah, my dad thinks it’s best for us to make a permanent move to Scottsdale…uh, since he’s there most of the time,” Baxter said without meeting my gaze.

  “Wow! This is pretty sudden. I’m gon
na miss you, buddy.” I made an exaggerated sad face that was meant to make him laugh, but he didn’t crack a smile.

  “He thinks that a fresh start will be good for me. You know…after everything that happened.”

  My heart did a sudden nosedive. “Did you tell your dad about you and Phoenix?” The idea of anyone being aware of the role that Phoenix had played in Baxter’s suicide attempt sent me into a panic.

  Baxter turned beet red. “No! Of course not. I try not to even think about that anymore. He thinks I slit my wrists because he’s hardly ever around.”

  Immense relief flooded through my system, and my erratic heartbeat calmed down.

  “I’m sure your dad knows what’s best for you.” Awkwardly, I stuck my hands inside the pockets of my running shorts. “Well, I wish you the best, Baxter. Keep your head up, all right?” I patted him on the back, an unspoken apology for the pain and suffering my son had caused him.

  Baxter nodded. Clutching the cardboard box, he lumbered over to the truck.

  I resumed running.

  As my feet pounded against concrete, I wondered if I’d done the right thing by withholding important information from the Westfields.

  It bothered me that I had become such a hypocrite. In one breath, I told Phoenix to live in his truth. Yet I had carefully protected him and hid his actions in fear of what people would think of him.

  CHAPTER 20

  The summer passed quickly and before I knew it, it was the middle of August and the temperature had spiked to 114 degrees, a scorching heat that was unheard of in my hometown. But after so many years of living in the desert, I’d learned to work with the heat. When it was hot like this, my daily run took place right before dawn, and any physical tasks, such as mowing the lawn, had to be accomplished before mid-morning or after the sun went down.

  Installing a swimming pool in the back was something that Sasha and I had planned but had never gotten around to it. When I acquired a pool company as a client, I began to think seriously about investing in a pool.

  Zoe couldn’t swim, and it would be great for her to be able to take lessons in the convenience of our own backyard.

  August was a busy time at Sasha’s dental practices, and she left the design of the pool and the other particulars up to me. It was an especially stifling-hot afternoon when I paid a visit to the showroom of Diamond Pools and Landscaping. I had a vision of how I wanted the pool and the surrounding area to look, and I hoped that construction, including excavation, wouldn’t take more than six weeks.

  The climate would still be in the eighties in early October, and we’d be able to enjoy our pool for another month or so before we were hit with winter weather when temperatures plummeted to fifty degrees and sometimes lower.

  As I explored the showroom with the sales manager named Arturo, I found myself growing more and more excited, especially after he promised a huge discount due to my business connection with the pool company.

  “What about pool cleaning…do you guys handle that?” I asked, finding myself growing more enthused about the idea of jumping in the pool every evening after a hard day’s work.

  “Sure, we handle pool cleaning, and you’ll be happy to know that if you sign the contract today, we’ll throw in three months of free pool cleaning service,” he informed with a gleaming smile.

  I had no idea why it had taken so long to make the decision to get a pool built since we were doing great financially, but now that we had committed to the idea, I was impatient to get the process underway.

  Off the bat I knew that I wanted a Pebble Sheen pool, but I had some concerns. Glancing at the Notes app on my phone, I began firing off the questions that I had jotted down. In the middle of listening to Arturo’s response, my phone buzzed in my hand, and I was surprised to see that the call was from Elle.

  As far as I knew, she wasn’t speaking to me. My mood quickly went from surprised to worry as it dawned on me that the only reason she’d call me was if something had happened to Phoenix.

  I held up a finger, excusing myself as I took the call, and Arturo politely moved to the other side of the showroom, giving me privacy.

  “Hey, Elle. Is everything okay with Phoenix?” I asked anxiously.

  “No, it isn’t.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “He had a big blowup with Everett. They’ve been arguing a lot lately, but last night it escalated into a shoving match. I don’t know what’s wrong with him, Malik, but lately I feel like I don’t know him anymore. When he’s not brooding and acting sullen, he speaks to us sarcastically and makes spiteful comments.”

  “It’s a phase, Elle. He’ll get past it, eventually.”

  “Eventually sounds like a long time, and I don’t know how much longer I can exist in such a hostile environment.”

  I didn’t respond and she let out a breathy sigh of exasperation.

  “Making matters worse,” she continued, “we received a letter from his school today. They’re not inviting Phoenix back for high school.”

  “Why not?”

  “Those thirty days he spent in the hospital really hurt his grades, and he didn’t try to improve them when he returned. He lost interest in all of his extracurricular activities, and was basically only taking up space in the classroom. He barely made it out of the eighth grade.”

  “He told me that he hates that ritzy, prep school. Maybe a more down-to-earth learning environment is exactly what he needs at this stage of his life.”

  “Well, he says that he wants to attend high school in Arizona, which is the reason for this call.”

  “What?” I was stunned.

  “He says you’re the only person who understands him. At this point, Malik, I need a break. That boy is giving me gray hairs. He acts as if he hates me—”

  “I’m sure he doesn’t hate you, Elle.”

  “Well, it sure feels like it. For once, I’d like an opportunity to be the parent that he has fun with during holidays and for two weeks during the summer instead of being on the receiving end of his scorn and disgust.”

  Elle had gone from not wanting me to be involved in our son’s life to wanting to turn him over to me permanently. I was both flattered and nervous. I wasn’t sure if I was equipped to deal with Phoenix on a daily basis. Facetime and phone calls was a lot easier than helping him figure out his teenage angst as a full-time parent.

  But I didn’t have a choice. My son needed me, and despite how challenging it might be to raise a complicated teenager, I owed him my full support, and I intended to be there for him.

  “I’ll have to talk to Sasha before I can give you a definitive answer, but I’m sure she’ll be delighted to have him back in Arizona with us. I’ll give you a call tomorrow.”

  After I hung up from Elle, a foreboding feeling hung over me, and I lost interest in selecting a pool design. I went along with everything Arturo suggested, without paying attention to cost, nor was I particular about the materials. We shook on the deal that I half-heartedly agreed to, and afterward I hastily signed on the dotted line.

  At home, sitting at the dinner table with Sasha and Zoe, I brought up the topic of Phoenix moving in with us and attending school in our area.

  “Yay!” Zoe clapped her hands delightedly. “With my big brother walking with me to the school bus stop, I won’t have to worry about big-headed Myron and his sidekick, Aubrey, teasing me and playing stupid pranks on me all the time.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were having trouble with those two boys?” Sasha asked with her brows scrunched in displeasure. “Had I known, I would have spoken with their parents months ago.”

  “It’s not that big of a deal, Mom. I was handling those two jerks. If kids don’t try to work through their conflicts, they’ll never be prepared for the real world,” Zoe said, showing a burst of wisdom that defied her nine years.

  Sasha and I exchanged glances, both of us impressed by Zoe’s insight.

  “Since Phoenix is a kid, too, it’s okay for him to interv
ene on my behalf.”

  “Hmm, I see. In other words, it would be embarrassing if your mother or I made a fuss about those two knuckleheads picking on you, but it’s okay if Phoenix sets them straight?”

  “Exactly,” Zoe agreed. “But mostly I’m looking forward to Phoenix coming back. He left so suddenly, and I wasn’t emotionally prepared for him to go. I’ve really missed him,” she said, sounding choked up.

  “Aw, Zo-Zo. I’ve missed him, too,” Sasha said, reaching across the table and patting Zoe on the hand.

  Later on in bed, Sasha and I discussed the pros and cons of raising a teenage boy.

  “His entire identity abruptly changed when he discovered that Everett wasn’t his father. I’m not surprised that he’s acting out at home and portraying Elle and Everett as the bad guys. They lied to him, and he doesn’t understand that they had good intentions and believed they were looking out for his best interests,” Sasha said.

  “Right. And with so many changes in his life, he needs to continue his therapy sessions when he moves here. It may not fix all of his problems, but certainly couldn’t hurt,” I added.

  “I agree.” Sasha softly ran a hand over my shoulder. “It’s a big change for all of us, Malik. Maybe we should think about family therapy.”

  The thought of Phoenix confessing to his involvement in Baxter’s suicide attempt in the midst of a family therapy session sent me into a wild panic, but I kept my cool.

  “I don’t agree, Sasha. I think the focus should be on Phoenix getting help. With the major life changes he’s been dealing with, I feel that he should have a safe and private place to share his innermost feelings without monitoring his words for fear of what we might think of him.”

  “Again, you’re right, honey. But I also think we should revisit the subject of family therapy in about six months, okay?”

  “Sure, that’s fine.”

  I pulled Sasha close to me, nuzzling her neck while clinging to her. Sasha had always been an anchor for me. The security of her love was what grounded me and kept me from drifting into the unforgiving and crashing waves that life sometimes brought my way.