by Tawny Weber
Alex, who had just left her tattered career in the dust kicked up by his swiftly retreating feet.
As hard as she tried, Dru couldn’t find her usual icy composure to hide behind.
So instead she used the only protection she had left. She channeled all that hurt into blessed anger. She welcomed the fury churning in her gut. She knew it’d get her through this situation with her pride, and hopefully what tiny portion of her heart she had left, intact.
“Your ego is amazing,” she breathed. “You know, I’ve studied your career. You’ve got this rock-star image, but you only stick around long enough to open for the real act. The ones who do the work and make an actual difference.”
“Oh, please.”
“No,” she snapped before he could dismiss her. “You’ve got a brilliant mind, yes. But that doesn’t mean jack. You never stay anyplace long enough to find out if you’re actually any good.”
“That’s a lot of obsession with my career, isn’t it,” he accused in a mocking tone. “This is about you being jealous of my success and trying to tie me to this project.”
“So let me get this straight,” she clarified between clenched teeth. “You think I’d use this project to hold on to you? To trap you here, where you apparently hate to be, against your will?”
For one second, the shocked look of denial on his face was almost worth the misery spearing through her heart.
“I didn’t mean it like that, Drucilla. I just don’t want you thinking…”
“What, Alex? You don’t want me thinking that you have faith in my abilities? That you actually want to work with me. Or even worse, that you want to see me, a woman you deemed good enough for sex but nothing else, stuck in a deal with a drunken cowboy instead of one of the largest institutes in the country.”
“No,” he snapped, finally losing that temper she’d wondered if he even had. “Quit twisting this around. I told you, this isn’t about you. This is about me. I’m not the kind of guy who sticks around. You can’t depend on me. I’m not future material.”
Dru had to drop her gaze to blink the sudden tears from her eyes. Depend on him? When in her life had she ever been able to rely on a man?
And what kind of an idiot did it make her that he was right? She knew better. And still, she’d let herself fall in love.
“I was good enough to fall for on the beach,” she said quietly, meeting his eyes again as soon as she’d regained control. “I was special enough to try to track down, to hope for some kind of longer relationship. But here now, in real life, you can’t let yourself think about a future?”
Alex threw up his hand to wave that away as if he thought it was too stupid to acknowledge.
“Oh, please. Don’t make this some big emotional scene. Back on the beach, you were a fantasy. Of course I wanted more.”
Oh, wow, she’d thought she’d already hit rock bottom.
So this was what gut-punched felt like. Dru couldn’t catch her breath. Stars did a queasy dance behind her eyes, making her want to hurl all over the boardroom table she’d so proudly presided over just a half hour ago.
“A fantasy?” she whispered. “That’s all I was to you?”
“You were a fairy princess that I thought I could fall for,” he muttered. Before her heart could even begin to hope, he continued, “Until reality hit.”
“Reality,” she said dully. And here she’d been so many kinds of thrilled that he still wanted her after he’d gotten to know the real her, the non-fantasy her. Where had she lost him? When he’d found out she was a scientist instead of a beach babe? When he’d met her mother? Or when she’d gotten all aggressive and done him against the wall of her apartment before he could take his coat off?
Dru shoved her hand through her hair, wondering how today had turned into her worst nightmare. What had happened to her confidence? Her anger? She needed one or the other, dammit, if she was going to get through this with any shred of dignity.
She looked at the boardroom table, the blue folder mocking her career hopes. And there it was. The tiny embers of anger. She thought of the Pownter deal. The huge career opportunities. A brand-new telescope and two years of funding.
And those embers flared.
“Well, I guess all we had was a fantasy,” she said with an offhand shrug, pretending she wasn’t miserable. “You got what you wanted and I got what I wanted.”
“That’s not—”
“You were looking for your fantasy,” she interrupted. “And I was looking for mine.”
He frowned.
“Yours?”
Dru had never been the revenge type. She’d never had a need to hurt a man before, either. But since she figured she probably wasn’t strong enough to lift a chair over her head and get a satisfactory swing and do real damage, she used the only weapon she had.
“You were perfect fantasy material, Alex. A hot, sexy beach stud.” She watched his face turn a little paler and nodded. Oh, yeah. That hit home. “I had one goal for my vacation. To have a fling.”
His brow furrowed and he shook his head.
“And you,” she said with a nod as she pushed her luck and patted her palm against his bicep. “You were perfect fling material.”
“You’re not serious,” he growled. “You’re just saying that to piss me off.”
“Why would you get pissed? You’re not interested in a big emotional scene, remember?” she taunted.
“Stop it, Drucilla,” he commanded, stalking over to sit, one-hipped, on the table. He gave her a cocky smile and shook his head. “You’re trying to twist this around. You’re obviously bent out of shape over my comment about you using me for work.”
“You think I’m saying this because you accused me of sleeping with you to advance my career?”
“Hey!”
“Oh, what? It bothers you to be deemed only worthy of being a fantasy?” She looked him up and down as if he was a centerfold and she a horny housewife. “And yet, that’s exactly what you were. A hot guy I saw on the beach who was all about sex. My very own boy toy.”
He just glared.
“So thanks for the good time,” she said when she reached the door and pulled it open. Then, unable to help herself, she stopped and looked back over her shoulder. “And hey, too bad you couldn’t stick it out for the full three months.”
Her chin trembled. It took all her strength to stiffen her jaw and continue, but she owed it to herself to get it all out.
“If you had, you might have found you liked it. I could have been the best damn thing to ever happen in your life, Alex. What we had, it might have been magic. I would have been someone you could count on. Someone who understood you. And even better, understood your work and your dreams and your brilliance. I could have been the one to give you everything you need. But you’ll never know. You never gave it a chance.” She sniffed, not even caring anymore that tears were streaming down her cheeks.
“You never gave us a chance. You say you’re all about taking risks to achieve success. But that’s a lie, Alex. You’re so afraid of success—true, emotional success—that you run before the risk is even there.”
She waited, one last desperate hope holding out for a response. But he just stared at her. That blank, shocked look of horror. As if she’d kicked him in the nuts.
Well, that worked. After all, he’d just kicked her in the heart.
With one last look, Dru shook her head and walked away.
Away from her career dreams.
Away from her newly found confidence.
Away from the man she loved.
ALEX STARED OUT at the crashing waves, searching for the peace of mind the ocean usually offered. The waters were grayer here, rough and wild. Beautiful in their own way, but not what he was used to.
And not, unfortunately, offering a semblance of peace.
All he could think of was that look of betrayal on Drucilla’s face. The anger lurking in her eyes when she’d stormed out of the lab. God, he’d blown it. Better,
though, to blow it now before she started thinking there was any chance of them having an actual relationship.
Which definitely made him a dick. He just wasn’t sure how much of a dick he was. Or if size really mattered in this situation.
His cell phone buzzed, saving him from reaching any more depressing conclusions.
“Maddow.”
“Baby.”
Despite his gloom, Alex had to smile. “Hi, Mom.”
“You feel jangly, baby. What’s the matter?”
Feel, not sound. A lifetime of his mother’s intuition meant Alex didn’t blink at her knowing he was feeling like crap. The word jangly, though, did make him grin.
“Just some work problems.”
“Are you working too hard, baby? You have to keep up the meditation routine. You know, yoga really isn’t emasculating. My instructor is a very hunky and deliciously muscled man who mountain climbs, rides a very loud motorcycle and can go all night long.”
Alex cringed. His mother’s free-and-easy sexual dialogue with her only child? One of her less appealing qualities.
“I’ll stick with the ocean,” he said quickly.
“Which I can hear in the background, baby. So tell me what you’re worrying about.”
He shifted on the rock, feeling good for the first time in two days. His mom might be a little flaky, big on oversharing and unable to stay in one place for more than a month. But damned if she hadn’t always been there for him.
“I’m thinking about heading to New York for a while,” he said slowly, staring out at the pounding waves.
“New York? Too stuffy and fast, but you do better with the quicker pace than I do. So why are you thinking New York?”
“I was invited to join a physics group-lecture tour. They offered me keynote, but I can only stick with it for six weeks, then I’m heading to Maryland to consult for a month at Johns Hopkins.”
“That’s a lot of traveling, isn’t it?”
“That’s what we do,” he said, grabbing a handful of small stones to lob into the ocean. “Make as much of an impact as possible as we travel the world, right?”
She made a sound of agreement, that mom sound that told him she was totally distracted but still paying attention.
“What about the cosmic string project?” she asked.
The rocks dug into his fingers as he fisted his hand in frustration. The waves were supposed to have washed this feeling away, weren’t they?
He glared at the water and wondered if he should head down to Santa Cruz, maybe get some surfing in. He was much better as a participant than a spectator.
“Itchy feet,” he sidestepped, using his mom’s favorite excuse.
“Oh, baby.” Disappointment dripped from her tone.
Alex pulled the phone away to give it a confused look, then grimaced and asked, “Huh?”
“You’re not living up to your full potential, Albert Alexander.”
Alex’s automatic wince at his full name turned to confusion. “I repeat, huh?”
“You might be reaching your fullest scientific and career potential, but you’re hiding from life.”
Alex’s spine stiffened. His mother’s words stung, making him want to throw the phone this time instead of rocks.
“Isn’t that why you’re always on the go?” he asked. “To avoid things? To stay one step ahead of the mundane?”
“Mundane? Life should never be mundane, baby. If it is, you’re doing something wrong.”
“Then why do you always move around?” he asked, voicing the question that’d haunted him for most of his life, unable to stop the words this time.
“I love to see new things, new places. That was enough at first. Then, later, because I was thinking of you.”
“Of me?”
“You’re brilliant, baby. You always have been. At first, it was all I could give you. All I could show you. That there was a bigger world out there. That there is life outside the lab.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Your father was just as obsessed with his job as your grandfather,” she said, her voice sounding pained, as it always did when they talked about his father. “You know how intense your grandfather gets. He lives, breathes, eats for physics. His marriage failed, he has no friends and only sees you at science conferences.”
“And Dad?”
“I’d love to think that if he’d survived, he’d have lived a full life. But he was already well on the road to following in your grandfather’s footsteps. Work, work, work. All I could do was try to counteract that genetic obsession.”
“And all your wanderings now?”
“Baby, I love to travel. I’m blessed that your father left me wealthy enough that I can do what I love without restriction. But that’s for me. Not for you.”
Alex unclenched his fist and stared at the indentations the rocks had left.
“Tell me this, do you like to travel, Albert Alexander?”
Alex winced again over the full name, but answered, “Not really.”
“When you reach all those new places, do you sightsee? Do you collect mementos? Do you have photo albums?”
His sneer was an automatic rejection of girlie nostalgia, but he could still see where she was going with this.
“Albert Alexander?”
For the millionth time, Alex gave thanks that his mom called him by a juvenile nickname in all but the most serious discussions.
“No,” he muttered.
“Baby, I wanted to give you a love for life. An openness to exploring possibilities. I never meant for you to become afraid of commitment.”
“I’m not…”
“You don’t even have an apartment,” she said triumphantly, as if his lack of real estate was her ultimate proof.
“An apartment is hardly a sign of commitment, Mother. You never stay in yours.”
“That’s because it’s not really there for me, baby. It’s for you.”
Alex squinted at the water, trying to figure that one out. Eventually he resorted to his fallback. “Huh?”
“You needed a place.”
He couldn’t even offer a huh to that.
“Well, face it, baby, we couldn’t haul your awards around in the Chevy, could we?” When he didn’t even laugh, she sighed, the sound huge over the phone.
“Look, I like moving around,” Alex defended. “I thrive on the variety of challenges I encounter at the different labs and projects.”
“Of course you do.”
“And it helps that I don’t make lasting connections. That kind of thing would just slow me down. Split my focus, you know?”
“And that’s bad, right?”
“Well, yeah. How can I pay my dues to science if I’m giving it anything less than one hundred percent?”
“Your father used to say something similar.”
Alex’s arguments pretty well fizzled at that point. He stared at the water and tried to sort his thoughts.
“If I stick around, I’m bound to disappoint…someone.”
“Life’s full of disappointments, baby. The trick is to find someone who can help make those disappointments bearable. Someone who makes you laugh, who gives you a reason to be thankful for each day and offers you the incentive to strive to be your best.”
Bearable? Thankful? Be his best?
Instantly, Drucilla’s face flashed in his mind. Her gorgeous eyes laughing up at him. The excitement she showed over his achievements and scientific genius. The sexual intensity she pushed him to, making him want to be bigger, stronger, better.
And it was just as simple as that.
“You bought the apartment for me?” he said, a little choked up.
“You need a touchstone. A home base and a sense of belonging. The apartment made you feel safe so you could have all those adventures.”
Alex stared out at the pounding surf, finally feeling that inner peace the waves always brought him. Maybe it wasn’t the ocean, he realized. Maybe it was that simple reminder
of his actual touchstone.
“Thanks, Mom,” he said quietly.
“You can always bring me these little problems. That’s why I’m here. To take care of those things for you. Baby, you should know that by now.”
He laughed.
“Now,” she continued, “tell me about this girl you’re all crazy in love with.”
15
ALEX STRODE down the hall of Trifecta, filled with a sense of purpose. He paused in front of Drucilla’s office door and wiped his hands on his jeans, then straightened his shoulders and reached for the doorknob.
Not that he had any doubts that Drucilla was going to be thrilled to see him…eventually. But the convincing part? That might be a little stressful.
But he was all about the challenge, he reminded himself as he knocked twice then twisted the knob.
“Drucilla,” he greeted in such a fake jovial tone that it made him cringe internally.
Silence.
He scanned the office.
No gorgeous blonde behind the desk. No sexy scientist in the corner. No cried-on tissues overflowing the trash can. No shades pulled depressingly against the morning sunshine.
His shoulders slumped.
A part of him, so long in control, wanted to shrug and say, “Hey, you tried. Now head off to the rest of your life.”
Then he thought about a future without Drucilla. If he walked away, that dismal image was a guarantee. The only chance he had to change it was to stick around long enough to convince her to give him a shot.
He threw himself into the chair and dropped his head against the wooden back with a heavy sigh. Crap, this all sucked so much. He’d blown it. He knew he had nobody else to blame, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to smash something.
He’d spent the last two days trying to reach Drucilla, but she’d refused to answer the phone. He’d gone by her apartment, but if she’d been there hiding in the dark, she hadn’t answered. He’d resisted—barely—stopping by her mother’s.
But at this point, the only thing that’d kept him going through the night was the idea that he’d be able to fix things with Drucilla today.