by Limor Moyal
Every chance he got, Tom sneaked looks toward Dan, he liked looking at the sculpted body moving efficiently in the kitchen. He liked looking at the bare feet stepping determinedly. He liked how Dan ran his fingers in his ‘too-long’ hair, to try and tame the stubborn mane. He was captured by those sights and had a hard time taking his eyes off of Dan, but every time Dan turned around, he looked away. Tom was afraid that if Dan thought he wanted him, he might panic, and that, Tom knew, could not happen.
Dan prepared dinner, and after Tom finished packing he told Dan he was going upstairs to take a shower. The shower took much longer than expected, and Dan thought that maybe Tom had fallen asleep. As he was wondering whether to wake the soldier up for dinner, Tom came downstairs, polished and scented, “So what’s for dinner? I'm starving!”
Dan realized why it took so long. Tom was dressed, perfumed, and accessorized for a hunt. His dark blond hair that had grown a little bit since they last met was dealt with by a product that gave it a shiny shade and a sexy style. He wore a tight black T-Shirt that displayed his chest muscles and killer abs... and tight black leather pants.
If that wasn’t enough, on the bottom there were pointy black leather boots. Dan looked at him from head to toe.
“Going somewhere, Texas? I'm guessing you didn’t invest in this ‘Jim Morrison’ look just for me.”
The familiar smile spread over his face, “I'm going hunting, how’s the look?” he asked and gave a 360 degree turn.
“It depends on what you want to hunt,” Dan smiled, but inside he felt the toxic pangs of jealousy.
“Sex!” answered Tom while sitting down and curiously looking into the bowls on the table, “It’s been three months since the last time - I'm hungry!”
He may have not referred to food, but it was said while packing his plate with creamed potatoes, chorizos and a salad.
Dan smiled and sat down, “I have to admit, Texas, you look great!”
Tom replied with half a smile, while chewing with gusto, “When it comes from you, Jedi, it’s a real compliment.”
“Why?” wondered Dan and started eating.
“Because you’re straight, and usually, straight men don’t compliment gay guys, so we won’t accidentally think it’s a come-on or something.”
“Mmm… The idea didn’t cross my mind even for a second.” While saying that sentence he knew it wasn’t quite true, something had crossed his mind, something he didn’t understand and didn’t want to know about.
“I know, and that’s what makes your compliment even better,” said Tom while concentrating on the food.
During dinner, Dan gave him the Jeep’s keys, he also told him he’d leave him the Jeep in the mornings for his errands, and he only asked Tom to drop him off at the office and pick him up at the end of the day because he’d be in the office anyway, and it would be a shame for Tom to waste time on buses.
They finished eating and Tom cleaned the table, put the dishes in the dishwasher, and organized the kitchen.
Dan sat on the couch in the living room and watched T.V., trying to relax and enjoy the evening. But he knew he was pretending, not only to Tom but to himself as well. The thoughts about Tom the ‘Hunter’ bothered him too much. What upset him even more was the fact that he didn’t understand why it bothered him in the first place.
The result was dark. All of his muscles were tight, he tried controlling himself so he wouldn’t give away his feelings. He was scared that Tom might see even a hint of the frustration and jealousy flowing through him.
He heard Tom taking the keys to the Jeep, “Bye Jedi, I'll see you in the morning.”
“Bye, Texas, have a good hunt,” answered Dan, still staring at the T.V.
All of a sudden he realized something, “Wait, did you say morning?” he suddenly asked.
Tom lingered before answering, “I'll try avoiding coming here with someone, I mean, you know, if he has his own place it’s better…”
Dan didn’t like it, and for a change, he knew why.
The idea of Tom joining a strange man, and going with him to an unknown place, worried him.
He couldn’t accept that Tom would put himself in danger just so he wouldn’t embarrass him.
“Tom! I would’ve preferred if you come home tonight, even if it is with someone.”
Tom stood and looked at Dan with a piercing look right into his eyes, “Explain?” he asked.
“I don’t like the idea of you hanging out with a stranger, in a strange place, just because you don’t feel comfortable when I'm here. I don’t care who you’re sleeping with, I want you safe and sound. And here you will be safe and sound. This is your home now!”
Tom was astounded, he didn’t know whether to hug him, or punch him for the worry he was displaying over him.
But the obvious care that motivated Dan’s words touched him deeply, and it was immediately shown in his eyes that got their smiling curve.
Dan took a breath, the first deep one in the last few minutes.
“I know I might sound like your dad, and it’s probably annoying that I'm up in your business, and you’re probably worried that I'll tell you not to forget your condoms… and I admit I'm holding myself back from telling you that so you won’t throw something at me.” Tom smiled and Dan kept on going, “but the truth is Tom, I really don’t care what you think, because I'm not going to hide from you the fact that I care about you! However, I better not run into some naked guy in the morning. I'll choke you!” Tom laughed out loud.
“No naked men in the morning, not to forget condoms, bring the sex to your house. Duly noted. Goodnight, Jedi, and thank you for caring about me.” He went silent for a minute, trying to think whether to add a sentence or not. “It’s been a long time since someone cared about me,” and when he said that last sentence he wore a sad smile. Dan saw honesty and pain in his golden eyes, and something told him that there was a lot more to him than what Tom let show. He was hoping that, one day, he would find out what put that sadness in his soldier’s eyes.
Tom left and the door quickly shut behind him.
Dan’s anger and nerves calmed down a little bit with Tom’s confession. The fact that Tom went hunting still bothered him. He had no desire to hunt, sex didn’t interest him and he had long ago accepted that fact.
He didn’t know how to put his finger on what was it exactly, but the facts spoke for themselves. He was never too excited with sex, didn’t chase or look for it. His interest in women was always about their intellect, and never about their physical appearance. When there was a situation involving sex, he treated it as more of a duty than a pleasure.
His marriage was based on the idea that you need to have sex, and he only did that when she broke him down. She never directly told him that she wanted sex, but it was sort of a known ritual that was done in steps. The first one being that she tried being seductive. Dan hated it, and felt like she was pretending. Later there was the anger phase. She’d initiate this loud fight, and throw things everywhere. Then there was the shopping hunger, and eventually came the tears. That was the part that broke him. That was the moment when he would surrender and go to bed with her.
Pain, he understood. Pain was an old, known friend, and pain was the only common denominator he had with Lena. When her face was wet, and her nose was red, and deep cracks of sorrow decorated her face, then and only then would he feel close enough to her, recognize her, know her enough to touch. He would turn off the light and sleep with her.
So a ‘Hunt’ wasn’t on his agenda, and still he felt frustration and anger about Tom going out, he was quite sure it was jealousy. A weird stomach ache, an annoying buzz in his ears, and a sour, green feeling. Definitely jealousy.
He tried falling asleep and turned from side to side. The thoughts of Tom, of himself, of Lena, and of sex were mixed in his head into some sort of a sticky mix, but it was mostly Tom that bothered him, and his sad face when he said goodbye, it was embedded in his memory like a silent, still picture that
refused to let go.
Every car sound in the street, made him prick up his ears in hope of recognizing his Jeep’s roar, bringing Tom back home. But the sounds of a car moving further far only made him disappointed.
He waited for Tom to come back, he waited patiently and anxiously. He wondered if he’d come back alone, and if not, then with who, and what would they do, and how. The thoughts and the tension conquered him, and he fell asleep in a whirlwind of emotions, with Tom’s sad face scrawled like a tattoo underneath his closed eyelids.
Tom left the house with mixed feelings, he felt as if he was leaving his heart behind and taking the body out for a run in the city. He preferred staying with Dan and giving up sex. Every moment he spent with the only man who interested him in the last few years, was rare and priceless. On the other hand, he knew he had to, he knew that if he didn’t force himself to move away, he’d be asking for sorrow and suffering. Still, as long as he stayed with Dan, his appetite for the man grew. And there’s nothing more terrible, than seeing an enticing meal when you’re starving and there’s a wall of glass between you and your craving.
This glass wall was the simple fact that Tom knew Dan was unchangeable. No hammer would break the glass. He knew better than anyone else, that a sexual orientation can’t be changed or tamed, therefore, Dan could never really be his. He knew Dan cared about him and had feelings for him, but he knew it wasn’t the emotion he was dreaming about and not the yearning he felt.
Going hunting in Israel was never a challenge for Tom. His beauty served him well and the only thing he had to do was show up and take his pick.
It didn’t take long until he and Kfir opened a conversation in the bar, which lead to a common decision to find a quieter place.
The Beatles woke Dan up at 07:30. Ever since Tom used Here Comes the Sun to wake him up, he hadn’t changed it.
Even though he wouldn’t admit it out loud, John Lennon and the guys helped him to greet the morning with a smile.
After putting his clothes on and getting ready, he looked out the window to see if the Jeep was in the drive, and when he recognized the silver metal beast he felt relief wash over him.
He went outside the bedroom and looked into the hallway with dread. The thought that some big, hairy, roughened naked man might walk by him popped in his mind more than once. But while standing in front of an empty hallway, he realized how ridiculous the idea was. He shook his head lightly and went downstairs.
In the dining room there was Tom sitting with a steaming cup of coffee, and in front of him there was a man. A stranger!
They both looked at Dan, while he was walking down the stairs, trying come to grips with the image in front of him.
Tom smiled at him, but Dan recognized a hint of worry in his expression and wondered if he was scared of his reaction to the situation.
The guest, however, was comfortable and friendly, he got up from the chair and walked towards Dan with a smile and extended his hand, “Good morning, it’s very nice to meet you. Kfir Zeevi.”
Dan shook his hand, and there was a strong grip, almost too strong, from both sides. A hand shake declaring a quiet territorial war.
He still wasn’t awake enough for this, and immediately walked to the coffee machine for a quick jolt of hot, aromatic energy.
Kfir Zeevi! Dan thought of the name in his head while looking at the cup slowly filling up with coffee. Not only did he look like a navy seal, he also had the name of a military unit, two units if you counted the last name. Something tensed in him and he bared his imaginary claws.
He was walking with a double espresso, and sat down in the dining room with Tom and the stranger. The silence and the downcast looks burdened all three of them, and that was probably Kfir’s signal, “Well guys, I got to go!”
Kfir got up and put his bag on his shoulder. He was an impressive man, much older than Tom, Dan estimated that the man had crossed his 30’s by the look of the inlet’s depth of the receding hairline, but even with deep inlets, the beauty and the might he gave away were impressive, and he had a strong masculine presence.
Tom got up to walk him to the door, “It was a pleasure meeting you, Dan, have a nice day,” said Kfir with smiling politeness.
“You too, Kfir, it was good meeting you too,” replied Dan, and hated himself for having to fake it, because no, it wasn’t good to meet him.
Tom walked him to the door, and they were standing and whispering, and before Kfir left, Dan was able to get a glimpse at the look in Kfir’s eyes while talking to Tom.
He saw yearning, and a hunger, and he immediately realized it was not going to be the last time he saw the man. He didn’t like the idea at all.
“What do you think of him?” Tom asked shyly.
“How old is he?” answered Dan with a question, he had a lot of questions.
“I guess you weren’t impressed?” stated Tom, smilingly.
“It’s not that. He seems okay to me, not what I was expecting, I have to admit. He seems like an honest man, and I got the impression that this won’t be the last time you’re going to see each other.”
“What do you mean ‘Not what you were expecting’?” Tom ignored the second part of the statement.
“I thought I'd meet a much younger guy, and much more…. feminine. I won’t be mad at you if you say I'm an idiot. But I assume because you’re such a manly man and all, the type of men you’d be attracted to would be, I don’t know, feminine?”
Tom burst in a rolling laughter and Dan blushed with embarrassment.
“I know, I'm an idiot, I don’t understand anything and I deserve to be laughed at.”
It took a few good moments for Tom to calm down and answer.
“You’re not an idiot Dan, you just think like a straight guy. Which isn’t surprising, considering the fact that you are one. Straight people think gays go in couples, paralleled to heterosexual couples. Meaning one is the man and the partner is the ‘woman’. But there are no rules, just like there are no rules with straight guys. Some are attracted to fat chicks, thin, older, gentle, butch.
There are manly guys who are attracted to feminine, there are manly who are attracted to manly, I prefer a man who’s a man, and not a man who’s sort of a woman. I prefer men who are older. And before you ask, no, I don’t have father issues.
Kfir is thirty-two, he’s a veterinarian by the way, I'm sure it’s one of the questions on your list.”
“Okay, I understand, I think.” Dan stopped for a moment to organize his thoughts, and hesitated before going on.
“If we’re in the spirit of sharing and being open, can I ask you another question?”
Tom smiled, “As if I could stop you if I wanted to. Let me just warn you, Jedi, whoever looks too deep into the darkness will find the darkness looking back at him.”
Dan rolled his eyes, “Oscar Wilde again?”
“Master Yoda actually,” Tom winked at him, and Dan replied with a wide smile.
“I'll take a chance and ask anyway,” he pondered for a moment while trying to phrase the question in the least awkward way possible, “So in bed, who’s the dominant one if you’re both masculine?”
Tom blushed, “You mean ‘Top’ and ‘Bottom’? I don’t know the correct terms in hebrew, but is that what you want to know?”
“Uhh… Yeah, I think so,” answered Dan.
“Basically I can go either way, I don’t have a problem taking charge or giving, but all in all I’m more of a ‘Top’.”
Tom didn’t seem too embarrassed talking about the subject, Dan on the other hand felt his blood beginning to boil and to flow towards his loins, this conversation took him to a place he wasn’t sure he wanted to go. He felt as if he’d opened a Pandora’s Box. Tom had warned him and he hadn’t listened and now he had a raging erection to deal with.
Despite all his efforts to regain his composure, in his head rose an image of Tom naked behind a man, taking charge, he tried clearing his head, changing the image, but had no luck.
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He thanked the fashion gods and Sveta, for the tight pair of jeans that were laid on the top of the stack of his pants shelf this morning that did great job hiding this conversation’s outcome.
“Are you okay? You went quiet all of a sudden and you’re all pale. If talking about this is embarrassing then we don’t have to,” Tom said with worry in his voice.
“It’s okay. I'm a big boy, Tom. This is new and weird to me. Not ‘bad’ weird or anything, just strange to me and I want to understand, I want to understand you.”
“I also want to understand you, Dan. I'd be happy if you’d open up to me a little more. I always feel like you’re keeping stuff in when we talk, like you’re afraid to show me who you really are.”
“Don’t take it personally, Tom. I'm pretty sure I'm afraid to show anyone who I really am, you’re just witnessing it on a regular basis.”
“I see it as a challenge, trying to get to your deepest places, and shine a light into the shadows,” Tom looked straight into his eyes when he said it.
“Good luck with that! I pay Mike a lot of money and so far the shadows are still there. I guess I learned how to live with them.”
Had he? He wondered.
8 Wisdom teeth and Loneliness
“Do you need the Jeep today?” asked Dan.
“Actually I have errands in Tel-Aviv today, so yeah, that’d be great. I can drop you off at the office and pick you up when you’re done.”
“No problem, the thing is, I have a dentist appointment first thing in the morning and I need to go to the office after that; how do you like the smell of a dental waiting room?”
“I’ll survive, what’s wrong with your teeth?”
“A fucking wisdom tooth. I’ve been in pain for months now.”
“You’re a late-bloomer, with a tooth that pops at the age of thirty five, ‘wisdom’ is arriving late in your case,” Tom taunted him.