by Limor Moyal
“So why are you going to spend an entire weekend with him, if you’re all about sex and it’s just a fling?” Dan tried harder.
“Kfir is a nice, intelligent guy, the sex is okay, and he’s not pressuring me or demanding too much. And I've come across men who declared love after a single fuck, he’s not like that!”
In his heart, Tom knew the real reason. He was trying to escape Dan, trying to escape the growing emotions toward the beautiful, sad man in front of him. He stopped for a moment and looked at the table before he kept going.
“When you’re fucking a stranger, it’s fun, and liberating and satisfying. And then you fall asleep, and when you wake up, you find yourself next to a stranger’s body. Allegedly you’re supposed to feel wrapped and hugged with someone else’s warmth. But in fact, there’s something so lonely about that moment, which is worse than being completely alone.
I think I'm tired of feeling that way, I want to get to know him, and if it turns into something a little more than sex, I'm okay with it. As long as he understand that it’s hard for me to give too much considering I'm a soldier.”
Tom knew he was lying to himself, he wasn't feeling, nor would he feel anything towards Kfir, not when his heart was filled with Dan, but he had to try to escape the emotional jaws that were closing in on him.
After last night’s events in the secret bar, the happiness he felt with just pretending that Dan was his lover made him realize more than ever that he had to pull away; Kfir was an available, comfortable way to do that.
He knew that Dan didn’t like the idea. He knew that Dan was hurt by him leaving, but as long as it came from the wrong reasons, he was determined to protect his heart from shattering.
All the optimism and joy Dan felt from Tom’s earlier statement evaporated at once given the painful confession. What if he really connects with Kfir? What if he falls in love with him? What if he leaves me? But he couldn’t lose what was never his in the first place. Tom wasn't his, and he had to acknowledge that. While he was wallowing in his thoughts, a car horn sounded outside.
“It’s him, I've got to go, Dan. I'm sorry about the mess in the kitchen and that I don’t have time to clean it up.” Tom apologized while putting a shirt and shoes on .
“It’s fine, Texas. The dishwasher’s on me. Your pancakes were totally worth it,” replied Dan without leaving the chair.
Tom went over to him and kissed his forehead, “Have a great weekend, Dan. Go out and do something, don’t sit at home. Maybe go hunting for a chick or something,” he smilingly suggested, and Dan thought about how little chicks interested him - even less than usual. Ever since Tom emerged into his dull life and lit it up.
“Don’t forget your condoms, soldier!” ordered Dan with the seriousness of a military officer, but with a trace of a smile.
Tom leaned over and whispered, “I never go into someone without a rain coat,” he stood up straight and walked towards the door.
“Bye, Dan”, he raised the duffel bag to his back, left the house and shut the door behind him.
Dan kept sitting. Tom’s last sentence, ‘go into someone’ bothered him, angered him, and excited him equally. And again he felt how all those emotions were gathering into the core of his body.
He listened to the humming silence in the house, deafening silence brought on by the absence of Tom.
He didn’t know this kind of silence, even though he’d lived in it for months before Tom came and even before Lena left. Now that there had been something that filled the void with music and presence, he suddenly noticed it was gone. He heard the silence and hated it, hated it so much.
He got up and started cleaning the chaos Tom left behind him. He couldn’t stop thinking about him and missing him and being mad and jealous. He left the kitchen and went upstairs to take a shower, he needed to relieve himself from the stubborn erection. He needed unload the frustration and the anger.
Until he could buy a punching bag, he’d have to make do with jerking off.
It took him seconds to cum on the shower’s wall, and he came so hard that the wall looked like a Jackson Pollock painting.
He found himself standing exhausted and empty in front of a bright black marble wall, decorated with white drops. They were drops of frustration, anger and passion. He closed his eyes and behind his eyelids he saw a beautiful image of a smiling face and golden eyes, which were all Tom. He reflected on the meaning of Tom’s name in Hebrew – pure, simple and innocent. He rested his head against the shower wall as his cock finally softened. Tom, Beautiful pure Tom, who’d somehow driven him to jerking off in the shower like a teenaged boy.
12 The Choice between Terrible, and Horrible
In the next two weeks, life has returned to a comfortable routine, Dan was dwelling on work in GreenTech but not any less than working on himself. Tom would come by on the weekends and divide his time between Kfir and Dan.
The nights were dedicated to Kfir, but, as time passed, Dan started feeling that Tom was spending most of his days with him, and that made him immensely happy and satisfied and gave him a sort of victorious feeling.
He decided, after talking to Tom, to stay in the house in Herzliya Pituach and embrace the idea of a gym in the basement.
He and Tom decided to build the gym together and made it their project, they searched all over the country, looking for the best equipment. They bought fitness machines, free weights and a ceiling punching bag, which became Dan's outlet in moments of frustration, anger and longing. And there were plenty of those moments.
Every time Tom packed a little bag, on his way to spend a night of sex at Kfir’s, every time Tom did something, or said something, that made him uncontrollably erect, Dan resorted to the punching bag. Every time he was mad at himself or didn’t understand what was happening to him or the meaning of his obsession with Tom, the bag was his way to clear his mind, and he would hit it so hard, till his knuckles were bruised.
He knew he was avoiding the issue. He knew he was refusing to look the truth in the face. He knew that eventually he’d need to open it up and deal with it, whatever it was.
He notified Mike that he wouldn’t be coming to their meetings for a while, that he was going through a process with himself and that he needed time.
Mike was disappointed that Dan didn’t want to use his help, just when his shell finally cracked open and light had begun to break through the shadows, but on the other hand he knew not to pressure him, and let Dan decide for himself who and what he needed in the near future.
When Tom would arrive, they’d spend time together in the new gym and train each other. Tom would leer with hungry eyes at Dan when he knew that Dan wouldn’t notice. He would lean over him while Dan did bench presses, acting as a spotter.
He used these opportunities to look at Dan's masculine sculpted face, at his black hair, damp with sweat, his blue eyes that would look at him for a second and then quickly look away, to look for a safe, random corner of the ceiling.
Tom knew that Dan was stirred up by him, responded to him. He didn’t really know exactly what was going on with Dan, and didn’t dare to hope, that maybe what he was seeing could be attraction.
The hours in the home-gym were a sweet torture for Dan. On the one hand, he’d wait for those little moments of closeness with Tom. He’d smell the fresh sweat and the scent was intoxicating, he’d sneak peeks at the perfect body when Tom would stand in front of the mirror and work on his pecs and arms.
On the other hand, it was torture for him to see and not to touch. To hunger without tasting, and hide his rebellious erection. The sexual tension between them reached immense levels, and more than once, one of them had to stop a training session to excuse himself to take care of a private tension.
Tom spent time with Kfir, but hated himself more and more for the pretending. It wasn't Kfir that he wanted. Neither physically nor emotionally, but it was the only way he knew to deal with the situation with Dan.
The problem was that the more he
pulled away, the more Kfir was determined to pull back and cement the relationship. Tom realized he had to end the relationship, and soon.
He didn’t want to hurt Kfir just because he was busy trying to subvert his true feelings for Dan.
Kfir was a good guy, and Tom felt that the man was building emotions and dangerous expectations from their relationship.
He remembered Dan’s words about Lena “She was an innocent victim of my problems.” He knew that innocent people fell victim in other’s wars. Collateral Damage, he hated that innocuous expression, that hid beneath it rivers of agony. Such is war, such is life.
But this, this was his personal war, and he didn’t want any innocent victims on his conscience.
Dan started visiting Adam more often, he’d take him for walks in the Ein Yahav garden, and talk to him about everything. Adam had a special talent to listen, without passing judgment or criticism, and the meetings with him had a cathartic effect on Dan.
The winter was more wet than usual. Dan would take Adam towards the garden, and they’d sit together, under the Clementine tree, where big rain drops which would form in-between the leaves and branches would drop and wet them, laced with the sweet scent of citrus.
Dan liked the smells of rain and winter and revival.
Adam liked the sensation of the chilled water drops falling and tickling him, and would laugh and moan at the feeling. Those were moments of transcendence for both of them.
The staff in the institution would look at them with amazement and joy, witnessing the special bond that developed between the brothers.
Dan nurtured his relationship with Flora. It started with phone calls between them in which they got to know each other, and found out they had common interests. Flora surprised Dan. She turned out to be a witty, courageous, bold and funny woman. The conversations between them always left a smile on his face.
Very quickly the phone calls became weekly meetings. They were both foodies, and once a week they’d meet in a bistro bar or an interesting restaurant and share a lunch.
Dan told her about the meetings with Adam and about Tom, and she listened and encouraged him.
Tom was Dan’s volunteering project, and it was Flora who initiated and pushed Dan towards it. She was very happy with Tom’s immense influence on Dan’s life. She recognized the softening in Dan's soul, the smile that appeared on his face filled her with happiness and satisfaction, knowing she had contributed to it. She was eager to meet Tom, and they agreed on such a meeting in the coming days.
Flora shared stories about her time as a flower child in the 60’s.
Apparently Tel-Aviv was a wild city even then, and the revolution that started in the States hit everywhere, including the young Israel of those days. Lots of sex, drugs and rock & roll.
At first, Dan couldn't understand the almost impossible contradiction between this sweet, loving free woman that revealed herself to him and his tough, closed-minded stubborn father.
But the more he recreated the interactions between them, as they rose and floated from fragments of memories from his short visits when he was a soldier, the clearer the picture became.
Suddenly, the relationship between them seemed like the most right, sensible thing in the world. He understood why David had loved her so much, why he needed her like a drowning man needed air.
Dan experienced a similar thing with her, finding himself addicted to the free, optimistic, loving, honest, and simple spirit of the woman.
They agreed on a Friday dinner, Dan promised to cook for her and take the opportunity to introduce her to Tom.
He texted Tom and told him about the plans. Tom was happy and seemed anxious to get to know her.
Tom arrived late Friday afternoon, soaked in rain. Dan helped him get his duffel bag off his back and he went upstairs to take a shower and change clothes while Dan was worked diligently on dinner. He wanted to give Flora a perfect experience, he wanted to give her the best dinner possible, and he was especially excited about her meeting Tom. He wanted to bring the two people who had become so important to him together.
Tom came downstairs, wet from the shower, soaked in his unique intoxicating smell and Dan again felt his body responding to the closeness.
“I've missed you, Jedi. It’s been two weeks since we last saw each other,” said Tom, a little embarrassed.
Dan was even more embarrassed and could feel his stomach turn, “The truth is, I've missed you too, Texas. I've missed you a lot and I'm glad you’re home,” answered Dan, but he didn’t dare look into his eyes, as if the mythological Medusa might be lurking there.
“What’s cooking? How can I help?” asked Tom.
“You can peel the potatoes and the yams.”
They worked together in the kitchen. Tom told him what he’d been doing in the army for the past two weeks. He couldn’t tell too much, so his stories mostly focused on his connections with his friends there and with Shai. Dan knew everyone by name from Tom’s stories, and every time Tom would tell some story it felt as if he was watching another episode in a T.V. series he liked, with Tom as the leading man.
Dan told him about Adam, and Tom was excited and happy to hear how much the relationship between them had become important and was giving Dan the family he needed.
Dan was aware of the fact that the most joyful moments in his life were those he shared with Tom. He knew the relationship had become the most important one he had. The thought he might lose it one day terrified him. He forcefully barred the door against those kinds of thoughts whenever they tried to visit.
Dan went to pick up Flora from Ramat HaHayal. When they arrived, Tom and Flora officially introduced themselves to one another. The chemistry between them, their matching simplicity and easy tempers, made them best friends in three minutes. Dan, who witnessed it, was happy to see how these two dear people were bonding. However, he was a little bit jealous of their ability to just simplify and connect with such ease; it was something he found somewhere between hard and impossible to accomplish.
Dinner was excellent. They enjoyed the food and the wine and had already finished the second bottle of chardonnay when Dan served his crème Brulee for dessert.
Flora and Tom were having a flowing conversation between them, which revealed to Dan some things about Tom that he hadn’t known, because he never had the nerve to ask.
But Flora, being a very direct and inhibited type of person, was never bound to the social niceties such as tact or manners, and knew how to get to the heart of the matter with amazing efficiency and strip down whoever was in front of her without him being able to understand what had struck him. Her greatness, thought Dan, wasn’t the down-stripping itself, but the ability to take the naked body and wrap it so it wouldn’t feel exposed, so it wouldn’t feel vulnerable, so it would know that in her hands, it would be protected and she would never punish it for its own nakedness. He admired her for that.
It was through Flora’s subtle questioning that Dan found out that Tom had a boyfriend in the U.S. for a year and that they broke up when Tom decided to come to Israel and join the IDF, that the boyfriend was Christian and in the closet, and how hard it was for the both of them to be together with these impossible conditions.
He discovered that Tom donated sperm a number of times, because he believed it’s his only way to leave descendants given that he was gay, and knowing that his service in a combat unit could end his life soon.
He found out that Tom dreamed of getting married in Israel when it became possible. After his release from the army he wanted to join a political movement that was pushing toward change in the status and rights of gay couples in the Israel.
He found out that Tom would love to be a father one day, to adopt an unwanted boy or girl, that is, of course, if he found a partner who wanted the same things.
Dan wondered why he didn't know any of these things about Tom. After all, they’d been living together for the past few months, and spent quite a lot of time together.
&nbs
p; Tom knew things about him that no one else knew. Tom wiped his tears away more than once, but he didn’t know a lot about Tom. He was mad at himself, he felt egocentric and spoiled, and he wondered why he never asked the right questions.
“Thank you for the wonderful meal, the excellent wine and great company,” Flora raised her wine glass and Tom and Dan joined her.
“Thank you for coming to eat with us, it was a great pleasure to have you and I hope it’s the first time of many,” added Dan.
“About that,” said Flora, and two pairs of eyes stared at her with sudden interest.
“I don’t know how much time I have left. My cancer’s spreading quite quickly, so I'm not sure about the ‘many’ Dan, but I promise that as long as I'm breathing, and as long as you invite me over and there’s good food and good wine and good company, I'm here!”
They were both shocked by the off-handed statement.
“Cancer? What kind of cancer? And why didn’t you tell me?” aggressively asked Dan.
“All sorts of cancer. Now it’s pretty much everywhere. Started with the breast, like many good ones, and I’m telling you now, Dan. I was waiting for the right opportunity. I've wanted to tell you, but only after I’d accepted it myself, and I think now is the right time.”
“And what about treatments? Do you need help? You know I have connections in the medical field; I can help!” Dan was riled up, and it was evident in his voice, as he was trying to save the woman he’d learned to love.
“I also have connections Dan, I was married to a very famous oncologist, you know. He left me quite a bit of money too, but you can’t bribe the devil, and chemotherapy doesn’t seem like the best way to spend my last remaining months… so, thanks, honey but, no thanks!”
“So, what? You’re just giving up? Accepting it? Letting the cancer kill you? I don’t understand you Flora! Fight!” he said it with an angry tone, and Tom looked at him and gave him a judgmental ‘control yourself’ look.