by Limor Moyal
But he couldn’t control himself while seeing defeatism and suicide happening in front of him, it infuriated him.
“Dan, sweetheart, don’t be mad at me. Of course I'm not happy about this death sentence but I've accepted it. I'm not scared of death. I was dead for billions of years before I was born, and if anything, I'm guessing death is a much more familiar territory to all of us than life.
About life, I've lived it, I'm sixty-seven years old, I've made a lot of mistakes and a lot of stupid things, cried and laughed, loved, did my share of drugs, made love and had a great time. I slept with whoever I wanted, and I saw the world. It’s true that I never had kids, and it was a bleeding wound when I was younger, but I have you, and Adam, and the paintings that will stay long after you and I are gone.
They say that a person leaves behind him his children, and his creations. I'm leaving behind quite a lot of creations. Some are hanging in museums and some in people’s homes.
I'm content, Dan, and now I have a few months to live, and I’d rather spend them with hair on my head and medical marijuana at a low price than running to the hospital and spending time with my head in the toilet.”
Dan was quiet and had tears in his eyes. He was angry and felt broken. Losing a mother again. It felt a little like déjà vu, like a scene in an old black and white movie that he’d once seen and hated watching again.
Another mother was to be taken from him by cancer. He hated this terrible disease, and although he’d told Flora dozens of times she wasn’t his mother, the truth was, that she’d turned out to be his mother in many ways. She was also a dear friend, especially now when he felt he’d been reborn. He wanted her next to him, to walk with him hand in hand in the process he was going through, but the fact was, she was also going to leave him and she wasn’t even going to fight to stay.
Tom knew all of that, he knew what was going through Dan’s mind, and it hurt him to see the man he loved in pain, however, he understood Flora and her decision.
“Flora, my dear, unlike Dan, I understand you and I think you’re making the right choice. I don’t see it as defeatism. I see it as making a choice from two shitty options, and, in my opinion, you’ve made the right one.
It’ll probably cost you a few months of life, but I believe quality is better than quantity. I just hope we can smoke-up together a little when I'm released from the army, I'm dying to check out that medical marijuana of yours,” Tom told her with a smiled laced with sadness.
“When are you being released?” asked Flora.
“In about six months.”
“I wouldn’t count on it, kid. I don’t think I'll last that long, but I promise to leave you my stash when I'm gone,” she winked at him.
Dan was infuriated, and the fact that Tom had accepted it, made him even angrier. He didn’t understand what he was missing, if there were a treatment offering even a slight chance of survival, why not try it?
“Flora, I'm really asking you to reconsider. Sleep on it. I'll help you, I'll take you and bring you back, and we'll go through this together! Think about it, please,” Dan begged her.
“Dan, my sweetheart, I can't tell you how much it means to me to see your care and love for me. Even though you’ve always avoided getting to know me, I'm glad we got the chance to get to know each other before I’m freed from the burden of life.
But, Dan, you have to understand something fundamental about yourself. You think you’re different from him, but you’re exactly the same!
Maybe that’s why I love you both so much. Think about it, the thing you hated the most about him was his need to control every aspect of your life. The way he saw the world as if this is the only way and the right way, and every other way is necessarily wrong. He was sure that he was right and everybody else was wrong, including you, and you hated it, but you’re exactly like him. You think there’s one right way to deal with the situation I'm in, and when I refuse to accept it, you’re angry and frustrated and you’re not ashamed to show it. Sound familiar?”
That statement hit home. He was silent, and looked at her, and felt as if he just got one of the most important but painful slaps of his life.
“The reason why I got along with him so well, Dan, is that I always insisted on doing things my own way, despite his objections. When he realized, in retrospect, that I was right, he’d calm down. This revelation, that there’s a whole world outside the familiar set of concepts that he held, that he couldn’t divert from even if he tried, would quiet him. You have to try and understand it, Dan. In every junction in life there are multiple roads you can choose from. For better and for worse, but you’re the one to be choosing, and you need to choose what’s best for you! Not what’s best according to society, religion, or even the people who love you, but only you, and everybody else can go fuck themselves.
I choose to die on my terms, my pace, my way. Without being mad at the cancer, fate, God, or whatever it is that decides when the game’s over. I made up my mind, and that’s it! Nothing can move me from this decision. The fact that you’re trying to convince me is just causing more sorrow and frustration for the both of us. Why don’t you try put judgment aside and to love me and be with me in the time we have left? Can you do that for me?”
Dan was on the verge of tears but he understood. He understood she was right, he understood she needed him there, and he made a decision: he would be there for her.
“I can, Flora, I will be there for you, and I promise not to try and change your mind, even though I think you’re wrong,” he smiled at the end of the sentence.
She smiled back and rolled her eyes at him, “Yeah, I think we’ve already established you don’t agree with me, and we’ve already established that it doesn’t really matter. Now, my dear, come give me a ride home. The cancer and I are tired and we need our sleep.”
Flora and her morbid sense of humor, Dan hated it.
They got up and Tom hugged her and didn’t let go, when they said goodbye she told him, “You’re a fantastic guy and I hope you’ll find a home,” she got close to him and whispered in his ear, “maybe you already have”.
Dan heard the whispered words and in that second, his and Tom’s look locked, and the sadness they felt flowed between them.
“Take care of yourself Flora, until the next time we meet,” Tom said as he kissed her gently on the forehead and helped her with her coat.
Dan put his coat on, and took the Jeep’s keys. Flora went outside to the night’s chilly air, Dan behind her, and Tom held the door for them. Dan turned around to face him, they looked at each other, and Tom told him exactly what he wanted to hear, “I'm here… waiting for you.”
The ride to Ramat HaHayal was tense and silent. Everything that needed to be said had been said around the table, and what was left in him were feelings of pain, sadness, frustration, and impotence. Emotions Dan knew too well in his life, and the truth was, he was sick of them.
Maybe Flora was right and he needed to change his point of view.
Maybe he couldn’t change the result, but he could change the way he feel about it.
Flora was the one that started talking, “Dan, about Tom…”
“What about him?” he asked.
“If you don’t make up your mind, it could be too late!”
“What are you talking about Flora? Make up my mind about what?”
“To make him yours!”
He almost crashed the car when he heard that sentence coming from her lips.
“Flora, I love him very much, and he’s dear to me, but I don’t know if you’ve noticed one little important detail. I'm straight!”
“How do you know that?” she asked.
“I'm not attracted to men!” he answered with obvious irritation, while checking with himself for what seemed like the millionth time, that he indeed had never been attracted to men, until he met Tom, that was.
“Are you attracted to women?” she insisted.
“What kind of question is that? You know I am
!” he angrily answered.
“I'm asking a question, not for you to answer me, but for you to answer yourself, because I'm getting the feeling you don’t know what to ask, and somebody who doesn’t ask the right question will never find an answer. So please allow me to help, and ask for you, and you can decide whether to take these questions and dwell on them or not. It’s your choice.”
He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear those questions. He’d successfully avoided them in the last few months, but he was starting to get tired of beating up the punching bag and ‘painting’ on the shower wall, and maybe Flora was right and if he didn’t ask, it would be too late. “Okay, ask, I won’t answer, I'm listening.”
“I'm going to ask you five questions. The answers probably won't come easily, you may have to look for the answers within yourself, but I think now’s the time, so here it goes.
Were you ever attracted to men?
Were you ever attracted to women?
Are you attracted to Tom?
Are you in love with Tom?
And if you can answer those questions, here comes the most important one.
What are you going to do about it?”
Dan was quiet while trying to comprehend all the night’s events, he was overwhelmed confused and sad.
They arrived, and he came to a stop by the familiar house. They looked at each other, he hugged her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She opened the door to leave the car and he said, “I love you, you know, I've never understood that but I understand it now.”
She smiled at him and said, “It’s because you asked the right question, Dan, good night, and drive safe,” she closed the door and left him feeling confused and bloodied.
He came home, the dining table was already clean, and so was the kitchen. The quiet noise of a busy dishwasher came from the kitchen, and Tom was sitting on the couch in the living room with the T.V on, sleepy, but still wearing his evening clothes. He looked at Dan and smiled, and Dan was drawn to him as if Tom was the fresh air above the ocean Dan was drowning in, and he needed a deep breath.
“Come here, you look like someone who needs a hug,” said Tom and put out two welcoming arms towards him. Dan came closer and sat on the couch next to him, and Tom surrounded him with his arms and hugged him tightly.
He put Dan’s head on his shoulder, and kissed him on his hairline. Dan melted into him and deeply breathed his smell, which was sweet, familiar and comforting. If he could move, and live where he was right now, he’d go and pack.
“It’ll be hard saying goodbye, but we’ll be there for her, as much as we can, and we’ll support her and you’ll stop being a pain in the ass and stop trying to convince her to go to chemo!”
“I know, I'm an idiot,” answered Dan into Tom’s shoulder.
“No you're not Dan, you’re just tired of losing people who matter to you. I understand that.”
“Will I have to lose you too, Texas?” it took courage to ask, but he had to.
“Only if I'm killed on duty, otherwise there’s no chance, you don’t give up on family, Dan, and you’re my family!”
This answered calmed Dan down, but also kind of bothered him. Family? What did that make him exactly? Brother? Father? Husband? And what exactly did he want to be?
Flora’s questions, which up until now were a quiet humming sound in his head, turned into loud sirens.
“Go to sleep, Dan, I'll see you tomorrow.”
Dan stood up straight and looked at him, “Are you going to Kfir’s?”
“Yeah, he’s waiting for me and it’s already late, I don’t feel right about making him wait, we haven’t seen each other for two weeks and he’s pressuring me. If I knew how this evening would turn out I would never have promised him, but it's too late, I'm sorry, Jedi,” Tom apologized.
“I know, Texas, its fine. Are you coming back tomorrow?”
“No, I'll stay until Sunday.”
Dan was disappointed, and the loneliness that he knew would soon come already felt like a cold blanket wrapping him up.
He was tired of sharing, he was tired of giving up moments with the dearest person to him, only because he was scared. Flora’s questions turned into screaming, deafening sirens, he knew tonight was the night he had to answer them, “Drive safe, Tom, you had a lot of wine.”
“I promise. I'll see you next week, I hope I'm coming home Friday, I'll text you.” He leaned over and gave Dan a kiss on the head.
Yes, he was attracted to Tom, more than he’d ever been attracted to anyone.
Tom got in the Jeep and started driving.
When he got on Ayalon , and the rain drops were washing the city, tears were washing his face. He was driving and crying.
He was crying over Flora, over Dan. He was crying over himself and his life and the randomness of life that hits you and destroys you without reason or warning.
He hadn’t wanted to leave Dan that night, but he couldn’t have stayed in that place of yearning.
The overpowering need to hug Dan, to hold him, get into bed, love him, wrap him up and cry together, had overwhelmed him. The pain was sharp, razor-sharp, so he’d escaped.
He remembered Flora saying that when facing a junction you need to choose the better road for yourself, and that's exactly what he’d done. Only sometimes the choice you have to make is between horrible and terrible; those were the hardest choices in life.
13 Territories of the Rainbow
On Friday, Tom arrived determined to put an end to his misery, and the only way to do that was to leave. Kfir had suggested that he come to his place for the weekends instead of going to Dan's. Sort of a suggestive, unthreatening, ‘Let’s move in together.’ He made some good points, arguing that the train was close by, the Weizmann Institute of Science was within walking distance, and he knew that Tom was dreaming about getting his Master’s there.
Still, Tom knew that despite this tempting suggestion, it would be wrong and cruel to accept it and move in with Kfir.
If he left Dan, he’d be staying in the LSC, or he could room with one of the other lone-soldiers living in Tel-Aviv. He could afford the rent with his army pay.
He had been planning to save the money for the future, his unclear and mysterious future, but despite his plans and dreams, reality called for change, and it was clear to him that no matter how painful and hard it would be, it was time for him to leave Dan.
Dan was a little depressed when Tom arrived, and they were both sat on the couch in the living room, lost in thought.
A gentle rain was falling outside, dotting the glass doors that faced the deck and back yard.
Dan's playlist was on speaker and Nick Cave was singing one of his most beautiful ballads in the background, Into My Arms, a song they both loved.
“You’re quiet, Texas,” said Dan.
“You are too, Jedi, is it Flora?” asked Tom.
“That too…” answered Dan.
“And what else?” asked Tom.
“I don’t know, Tom, and I don’t want to talk about it. I want to wallow in my depression a little bit, you know it’s my natural state, my comfort zone.”
“Yeah, I know, and I hate it, and that’s why we’re going out today!” Tom said decisively, the kind of decisiveness that Dan liked and could never resist.
“Where are you taking me today? Another secret bar? A drag show maybe?”
Tom smiled at him and said, “Gay bar!”
Dan looked back at him, full of surprise, “We agreed I'm supposed to ask, and I don’t remember asking!” said Dan, even though deep inside he didn’t really care where Tom took him.
As long as they were together, with a combination of alcohol and music, in a place he could lose himself, he was game.
“It’s not exactly a gay bar,” clarified Tom, “It’s a cool joint around Allenby street, which is sort of a mixed club. It’s the most heterogeneous crowd you can find in Tel-Aviv. Straights, gays, transsexuals, and people of all ages, colors and sexes, the richest, most colorf
ul ‘meat market’ in the city! OH and there’s a bonus,” added Tom.
“And what’s the bonus might be, Texas? Do tell.”
“You will not hear even one Paul Anka song,” smiled Tom, dodging the pillow Dan threw at him.
It wasn’t too easy finding a parking spot around King George, Shenkin and Allenby streets, but Tom was driving, and Dan was surprised to find out, again, how much more his soldier knew Tel-Aviv than he did.
They walked towards their destination, buffeted by a cold wind that carried the smell of the city. Tom was quiet tonight, and it worried Dan for a reason he couldn’t name. He was used to Tom’s smile, joyfulness and optimism, which always shone and lit up everything around him, even in the hard times.
But tonight, Dan saw a different Tom, a sad, closed-off Tom, a Tom that was dark, as if something had died inside him.
Dan's restlessness about the bar he was about to visit was forgotten while bigger fears grew inside him, fears about Tom and the reasons that brought him to the state he was in.
He was afraid to ask what was bothering Tom, afraid of to hear the answer.
Tom’s phone’s ringtone interrupted both of their thoughts at once.
“I'm in Allenby with Dan, we’re on our way to Rainbow to have a drink and dance a little.”
Dan didn’t know who it was on the other side of the line, but the look on Tom’s face said disappointment, and Dan guessed that whoever it might be, Tom wasn’t thrilled hearing from him.
“Ok, cool, I'll see you there,” Tom hung up the phone and looked straight ahead instead of at Dan.
“Who was it?” asked Dan.
“Kfir, he’ll be there too. I wasn’t planning on seeing him tonight, I wanted this to be our night, yours and mine, but he insisted on coming too. Sorry about that, Jedi,” and Dan knew he was sorry, he seemed broken.
Dan was disappointed, but seeing Tom ever more disappointed than him cheered him, and saddened him at once. He was glad Kfir wasn’t welcome, but hurt that his soldier was miserable. He pulled himself out of his selfish bubble and found the strength to comfort Tom, “He’s just trying to defend what he sees as his, Texas, I understand him; he feels threatened.”