Chariots on the Highway

by Limor Moyal

  “That’s not the only thing that scares me, there are a few more things, but maybe we should discuss them on the deck, after a few hits.”

  Dan went to the kitchen to make sandwiches and open a bag of chips. He took beers out of the fridge and put everything outside. He came back inside and picked a playlist.

  Magic by Coldplay filled the yard when Tom came outside with a rolled joint and a lighter, and sat next to Dan on the deck.

  Tom lit the end, and the orange light at the end grew bigger with the puff he took. He kept it in his lungs for a few moments and then released a white cloud into the night’s sky.

  “I love ‘Mary Jane’,” Tom said and Dan laughed.

  “I never thought I'd see the day when you say you love a woman,” said Dan.

  Tom smiled and gave him the joint. Dan took a little puff and let the smoke out. He immediately felt how the dopamine was released in his body, washing over his blood, making him relaxed and unwound. He leaned backward and gave himself over to the sensation.

  “So what scares you, other than yourself, Jedi?” asked Tom.

  “You do,” answered Dan.

  “Me? I scare you?” Tom asked in wonder.

  “I'm scared of losing you, Tommy,” answered Dan with a quiet voice.

  “If Lebanon couldn’t take me away from you, nothing else will. There is no force in the world that will keep me away from you,” answered Tom.

  “Time! Time is one of the most powerful forces out there. You can’t stop it,” said Dan.

  “That’s not true, Superman did it, when he wanted to save Lois,” Tom said with total seriousness and Dan laughed.

  “Besides,” continued Tom, “What does time have to do with you being scared of losing me?”

  “Superman didn’t stop time, he rewound it, to bring Lois back to life,” answered Dan, and Tom laughed.

  “Dan, I think you’re a little high,” said Tom, amused.

  “You’re very observant, Texas!” replied Dan.

  “I want to go back to what I asked. What does time have to do with you being scared of losing me?” asked Tom.

  Dan took a moment to organize his thoughts. It wasn’t easy, given the circumstances. His brain was going 200mph and everything felt like a mix of thoughts, words, sentences and images.

  “The time, between when you were born, and I was born. There’s an eleven year difference. You’re still a kid. You’ve started studying, you’re starting to establish your life. I'm scared of finding myself as a weigh station in your life. I'm scared that you’ll lose interest and move on,” said Dan with his heart on his sleeve, and Tom knew he was hearing this confession only because of the green leaves. But he blessed this opportunity to talk to Dan about the subject.

  “It’s true I'm younger than you, Dan, but it’s only in years. In life experience, at least in some areas, I'm older, and more sophisticated than you are. Sex-wise, there’s no doubt who has more experience. To use your words, yes, you are a weigh station in my life. You’re the last one!” he said, and Dan was excited and smiled at the sound of these words.

  “If we’re talking about fears,” continued Tom, “I'm also scared to lose you. You think I'm a young guy seeing you as a weigh station. And I'm scared you might be straight, and just experiencing a weird period in your life of sexual experimentation, and one day some little chick, with a giant pair of tits, will blink at you with her eyelashes, and that’s it, we’re over!” Tom told him.

  Dan burst out with laughter. Tom’s description and the weed were a potent combination.

  “I don’t care about women, just like I don’t care about men. That’s not about to change, Tommy. Time, in this case, is also a key element. Because for thirty-four years I've been waiting. I didn’t know what I was waiting for exactly, but I knew that I was waiting for something. You have no idea how frustrating that was, to be waiting for something unknown, something that you fear may not even exist or will never be found.

  It can drive you mad. And there were moments when my sanity was on the edge. At least that’s how I felt. There were moments when I thought I was starting to cross over the border between sanity and insanity, and being drawn into a vortex that I wouldn’t get out of. It didn’t happen, because something was holding on to me, a force that pulled me backwards, let’s call it ‘hope’.

  Hope that somewhere in the world, there was something worth keeping my sanity for. And then you came, and I found it. I'm not going to let you, sanity, or life, go,” said Dan and took the last puff from the joint.

  Tom looked at him with a strange look that Dan couldn’t figure out. He stood up, moved to Dan’s chair, and crammed in next to him, snuggling in Dan’s warm body. He looked at him, “You have no idea how much I love you, Mr. Green,” he whispered, and gave him a long kiss tasting like smoke and Tom.

  They kept laying down and enjoying the bright calm night thanks to the joint.

  “Tommy,” whispered Dan.

  “Mm….” answered Tom.

  “What are your dreams?” asked Dan.

  “I want to study philosophy, along with my physics studies. I think there’s something significant hidden in the thin line where both subjects meet, and I'm determined to find it,” he said.

  “Maybe you’ll find God there?” whispered Dan.

  “I hope. If I do, we have a lot to talk about. I have a few efficiency suggestions for him,” answered Tom and Dan smiled.

  “And what else do you want?” asked Dan.

  “I want to be socially active, to change a few things in this country. We’re so involved with politics, so busy with wars, that culture is always edged out. I want to put myself out there and try to make some impact. To separate religion from the country’s affairs. I want to help legalize civil marriage. One day, when you can civil-marry someone in this country, I want to get married and become a father,” said Tom.

  “Why is it so important to you to be a parent, Tommy?” asked Dan.

  “I think parenthood is a built-in need. I think I have the ability to give and love and educate and raise a good person who will benefit this world. I don’t want to miss out on that chance. Sometimes I ask myself if it some kind of competitive drive, to try and do a better job than my parents did, not that it’s such a challenge in my case. My mom is the most self-centered person I've ever known, and her priorities were always herself, stranger’s opinions about her, my dad, and eventually us. So of course there’s room for improvement. That’s most parent’s mistake, the attempt to parent in the opposite way from which they were parented, usually, this just ends with new mistakes. Anyway, my dad is actually the more dominant character for me, and my pain about losing them is more focused on him. I know it doesn’t matter what mistakes I make for the sake of correcting my parent’s mistakes, one thing is clear to me, without a shadow of doubt,

  I will never give up on my child for the sake of any ideals,” he hushed and looked at Dan, who was lost in thought. Tom was wondering what he was thinking about.

  “Dan, I know you’re not sharing this idea with me. I know you don’t want kids. I promise you that you are much more important to me than having kids. And even if I have to give up on that dream, I'll gladly do it, if it means I’ll have you.”

  Dan didn’t answer. He just clung to Tom and hugged him tightly.

  “Let’s dance, Tommy!” Dan stood up and leant a hand and a smile to Tom. Tom smiled back at him and took his hand. They stood in front of each other, floating within themselves.

  Soft, wet grass underneath their feet; bright starry skies above, and Dave Matthews singing Lying in The Hands of God enveloping them with his voice.

  They hugged each other, Tom rested his head on Dan’s shoulder and they moved together to the sound of the music. For a moment Dan thought that he could see a soap bubble from the corner of his eye.

  27 Take the Reins

  Dan set a meeting with Gideon in a small bar on Rotchshild Street. September was one of Dan’s favorite months. The we
ather before Rosh Hashanah was ideal, hot but bearable, and sometimes even pleasant. The vibe of the approaching holidays was in the air, and you could see people on shopping sprees. Something about this season said renewal.

  He hadn’t heard from Gideon in the last few months. He was busy with his business and his new life with Tom, and, lacking a legal reason, he hadn’t felt the need to talk to him. But then he realized he was avoiding talking to him. Mike brought up the idea that Dan didn’t want to reveal his relationship with Tom as he might be scared of judgment. Judgment that would be seen as a reflection of what his father would think if he was alive. Mike thought it might be right just because of that reason to tell Gideon about Tom, and put those worries to rest.

  “And what if Gideon doesn’t like it?” Dan asked Mike.

  “Does it matter to you? Because eventually, you’ll stay where it’s good for you. So he doesn’t like it. So what?”

  “It wouldn’t really matter to me, maybe it would make me a little sad, but nothing beyond that. If that’s the case, then why should I even bother?” asked Dan.

  “Because it’s a loose end!” said Mike.

  He sat and waited for Gideon, sipping his espresso and looking at the people coming and going on the sidewalk, passing by him. He saw two guys walking with a smile, hand in hand, and for a moment he thought how much they, he and Tom, were lucky to live in this period and this country that lets this love be, without any fear or guilt. He smiled to himself.

  Gideon was walking towards him, smiling, “Dan, it’s good to see you. It’s been a long time,” said Gideon and patted his shoulder with affection as he sat down.

  “How are you? It’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other. Ever since Flora. You look great, by the way,” Gideon continued.

  “Thank you, Gideon, I'm happy to see you too. I'm doing fine. Great, actually,” Dan smiled, “Everything’s good in GreenTech, Aadm’s good too. I see him every other week. Everything’s good,” answered Dan.

  Gideon felt there was something else, he felt that Dan wanted to tell him something, “So what made you miss me all of a sudden, young Mr. Green?” asked Gideon immediately after giving the waitress his order.

  “Do you remember asking about Tom?” Dan asked.

  “Tom? The soldier I saw at Flora’s funeral? Yeah, I remember. You said that you’d tell me about him one day. Is today that day?” asked Gideon.

  “Today is that day!” said Dan and looked Gideon in the eyes, “He’s my partner, Gideon. We’re together. I've known him for almost a year. We’ve been together since Flora passed. I love him, and, I don’t know why, but of all the people in the world, you are the one person it’s hardest for me to tell. But it’s important that I DO share this with you, and not to do this as an ‘oh, by the way’ kind of thing,” said Dan and took a breath of relief, now that it was behind him. Suddenly, he realized, that it really didn’t matter what came next. The confession was all he needed, and knowing this made him feel stronger.

  Gideon looked at him with a suspicious look, “I had a feeling that something unusual was happening between the two of you when I saw the hug and the excitement in the cemetery. But because I knew that you…. like women, I dismissed the idea. I don’t really think it matters to you what I think about the whole thing,” said Gideon and Dan smiled because, again, Gideon had managed to hide a question within a statement, and this pattern amused Dan each and every time.

  “Actually no, I really don’t care what you think about it. Or what anyone thinks about it. You’re a good friend, and I appreciate your opinion of me. But my romantic and sexual choices are none of your business, or anyone’s for that matter. The funny thing is, I had do drag you all the way over here and whip you with the truth just to realize that. I'm such an idiot sometimes,” Dan finished and took a big bite from his Eggs-Benedict.

  Gideon laughed, “I'm not going to argue with that. ‘Idiot’ describes you well sometimes. Despite the fact that my opinion doesn’t interest you, maybe you’ll still be happy to know that anything that makes you happy, and doesn’t hurt someone else on the way, makes me very happy too. That doesn’t mean you’ll find me wrapped up with a rainbow flag in the next ‘Pride Parade’. But I have no problem with your way of life, and I'll be happy to get to know Tom,” said Gideon with a warm smile.

  “I'm not a big fan of the Pride Parade myself, so you probably won’t find me there either. I think we’ll meet in more solid, less colorful surrounding. And yes, Tom will be happy to meet you, Gideon,” said Dan as something in his heart calmed.

  Tom started studying in the Weizman Institute and Dan bought him a car, a gift for his studies. Tom was upset. He refused to accept what he called “An extravagant and unnecessary gift.” Dan, on the other hand, insisted that going from Pituach to Rehovot using public transportation every morning was a terrible waste of time, not to mention comfort.

  Dan’s financial superiority bothered Tom quite a lot, so Dan tried not to shower him with his wealth. He knew Tom felt belittled by it.

  But to Dan, the car issue was necessary. He couldn’t accept the discomfort in Tom’s terrible morning route. And because of that, he was determined. He explained to Tom more than once that money didn’t matter to him at all, that one day Tom would have a career and money of his own, maybe even lots of it, that the situation was temporary and that Tom had to stop acting like a rebellious kid, just because he couldn’t deal with the their economic disparity.

  Eventually, after a fight that lasted thirty minutes, they reached a compromise; Tom said he’d be willing to borrow the car. He wasn’t willing, by any means, to accept it as his. Dan agreed because the only thing that mattered to him was Tom’s comfort.

  Dan called him after the meeting with Gideon, he caught him between classes and told him about the meeting. Tom didn’t really care what the old lawyer thought of him, or of Dan, or of both of them. But knowing how it freed Dan's mind made him happy.

  It was Monday afternoon that Dan arrived to an empty house, there were days when Tom would study late, or stay in Rehovot to study with friends and come in late at night. He hated being home alone, but he was happy Tom was living his life like he’d dreamed, as he deserved. And that he as his partner could give him the comfort and assurance to do it.

  After a shower, and leftover sweet potatoes and chicken, he relaxed on the couch in the living room, holding an envelope.

  Ever since Flora left him the letter, he’d asked himself, more than once, if this is the moment to read it. And he always found the answer to be ‘no’, that it wasn’t the moment. Deep inside, he knew that the moment had arrived. And today, while driving home on Ayalon, relaxed and calm after the meeting with Gideon and the phone call with Tom, he knew that Flora was calling to him from inside the envelope she left for him. He went to his bedroom, opened the drawer by the bed, and picked the letter that was waiting there.

  He opened the envelope and started reading.

  My dear Dan,

  I hope this is a good moment.

  I know you well enough to figure that you were probably so mad at me after my suicide that you didn’t want to hear from me right away.

  Anyway, I hope that’s the case, because I really wish that what I have to say to you, will be said when you’re relaxed and happy.

  I think that one of the things we have in common is our revulsion with useless drama. We both stay away from it as much as possible, and a Hollywood style goodbye, with me saying goodbye and you getting upset and begging me to reconsider, seemed useless to me, for both of us. I'm sure you agree with me on that.

  That still doesn’t mean that we don’t need to say goodbye.

  So here I am saying goodbye to you, Dan. Here I am telling you Shalom, and thank you for giving yourself to me, especially at the end.

  Maybe I couldn't say, maybe you didn’t know, but the time we spent together at the end, was precious to me and gave me such pleasure and joy. I won’t lie to you, there were moments when I wante
d to be a mother to you, and there were moments when your refusal to accept me as one, hurt.

  But, in the end, something did happen between us, and I felt like you were leaning on me a little, and it was wonderful Dan. The best gift you could have given me.

  My darling Dan, you need to take hold of the reins on this chariot called life. And direct it into the path that you choose. Because up until now (until my passing day), it took you where it wanted to go, where other people wanted you to go.

  And when you hold the reins, Dan, look at the road. It’s beautiful and full of views and surprises.

  Sometimes you might find yourself stuck in traffic, sometimes you’ll witness horrible accidents on the side of the road that will make your heart bleed. Sometimes rude and stupid drivers might cut you off, curse at you, honk at you and even give you the finger. Maybe you’ll even come across someone that opens a window and calls you names. Sometimes you’ll see faster cars, slower cars, some that are about to fall apart from overuse or old age. But it doesn’t matter where this road takes you, because you will know it’s your route.

  And then you’ll pick up a passenger, invite him in to sit next to you on the passenger seat, if he’s the right passenger for you then he’s heading to the same destination as you, and the trip will be amazing. Because then you can share all of your experiences with him, all the pain, the traffic, and the breathtaking views.

  Because then if you get tired of driving from time to time, he can take your place, and you can fall asleep peacefully knowing he’ll keep you on your course, and won’t drift away in another direction.

  And if you’re really lucky, you’ll reach the end of the road together, and I wish that for you with all of my heart, Dan.