Alpha Song

by Nika Lucas

  He's such a serious soul, his eyes penetrate me as if he's constantly trying to see the real me. I'm afraid, though. If he sees the real me, he won't like me afterward. What will he do when he sees that I'm damaged, that I'm afraid of love, of touch, because it reminds me of someone else?

  And what if that's all that I'm attracted to?

  What if Trey is just another demon in the flesh of a wolf?

  "Hi," he says, completely unaware of my internal battle.

  I open the passenger door and climb in next to him. I immediately am bombarded by his scent. This vehicle is an extension of him, and even though the stereo plays music that is most definitely not him, it’s still a perfect hard rock metaphor for this shifter.

  As soon as I sit down, he peels away, the Camaro leaping forward and pressing me back into the seat as he tears through the edge of downtown Portland. I try to act calm, but I can't. I clutch the arm rest.

  He notices and slows.

  "Sorry, most guys like to go fast."

  "No, that's cool," I reply, "I just wasn't ready."

  He nods, but he takes it easier after that, as though he sees through my lie. "So there's this great steakhouse, the prime rib is the best in the northwest. It's ran by a beta who I met at a show, and man, when he told me it was to die for, I thought he had to be exaggerating."

  "You've got my mouth watering just thinking about it."

  "Ha, then, my friend, you are in for a treat. Tonight, we will eat like the predators we are. I hope you’re down with that."

  "Who wouldn't be?"

  He drives through the city with a familiar ease, avoiding the worst traffic by darting down side roads, until finally we arrive. It's a two-story building with a bar on the first floor, and the maître d’ leads us to the second floor and a private table.

  While we wait for the food, Trey makes light conversation.

  "So Mack and I," he says, "We lived not a mile from each other. He had two fathers, and I had a mom and a dad. I used to go to his house, because his omega dad cooked way better than my mother could, any day of the week. I tell you, the things he could whip up. It sure beat the processed stuff my mother liked."

  "Your father couldn't cook?" I asked.

  He snorted. "No way, he was the stereotypical dad who only knew how to use a grill, and then only during the summer. Hell of a hunter, though. Ironically, they were both betas, as were their parents. Then they get stuck with me, an alpha, and they're like almost completely lost, you know? You'd think I was an alien. I guess that's why it was cool hanging with Mack. He had an alpha and omega as parents, and with him being an alpha, I just felt like they understood me better. Plus my parents were in Mack's parents' pack. Mom and dad couldn't really say anything."

  "He must've been like a brother to you."

  "He was, even though I had an older brother. Darrin's a beta, just like mom and dad, though. But tell me, how did you meet Mack?"

  "College," I say, but I pause as the waitress brings over our plates. As promised, the steaks take up the whole plate. Instantly I become the stereotypical salivating wolf, my tongue hanging out of my mouth. I don't continue my story for a while, as the two of us are lost in cooked rare beef heaven.

  "It's a good thing places like this exist, or I think I'd go savage," he says.

  I snort. "Sorry," I say, "I can just picture you sneaking through a field eyeing cows."

  "It’s a majestic sight, isn't it?"

  I snort again. The snort makes him laugh, and I have to cover my mouth so as not to spit food at him.

  "Sorry, sometimes I snort when I laugh."

  "It's cute," he says.

  "I've never thought so."

  "Well it is. so anyway, you were going to tell me how you and Mack met. College, you said?"

  "Right. Yes, at PSU. I was going to school to be a nurse. I always wanted to help people. I didn't have a pack or anything, I didn't want it to interfere with my schooling."

  "Wow! That's an impressive calling. So are you a nurse?"

  "No." I lean my head in my hands, my elbows resting on the table. I feel the heat in my cheeks. I'm still embarrassed to talk about it.

  "So what happened?"

  "I joined a pack. I met Mack. He asked me out, we went on a couple of dates, and then we found that we made better friends. In the interim, he took me out running with his pack, Ben and Frank, Jenna came into the picture later. Anyway, the next thing you know it's all I want to do. My grades dropped to where I got kicked out of the program. Now I wait tables."

  His face shows interest, and no judgement. I hate telling people this story, yet I can't keep it secret. It's still me. I still wait tables, even though I was a drop out.

  "You know what?" I continue, "I don't even care, though. I mean, it would be nice to have a better job, but I realized then that being a nurse wasn't what I wanted to do anyway. I mean, it's a noble calling, but the wolf in me doesn't enjoy it. Blood... it..."

  "Makes your mouth water."

  "Yes." I look him in the eyes, and I see he gets me. But of course he would. We're both wolf shifters, and the predator is in our nature. Few wolf shifters can handle a medical profession. Those who can are made of stronger mettle than I am.

  "Well, waiting tables is a noble profession also," he says, "You do realize it's a stepping stone to becoming a famous actor, right? You may not realize it, but you're probably about to be discovered by an agent who can already see your face on the silver screen."

  I snort again. "And you," I say, "Are you one step away from being a world-famous rock star?"

  He sits back in his chair, in mock indignation. "I am," he says, "In fact, I'm in such high demand you're going to be seeing me opening for other shifter bands. In fact, I would bet you in another month they'll be begging me to open for Urban Howl. One month! As long as they don’t break before then, I’m gold."

  I laugh, this time without a snort. "We just saw them. It was a great show. But they never have anyone open for them."

  "Yeah, they're a little full of themselves."

  "That fox, Yukio, he's pretty sexy though."

  "Right? Who'd have thought a fox could work an audience like that? That's the real reason they won't take me. They're all omegas, and having an alpha around, like this prime piece of real-estate, would sabotage the show."

  That does make me snort.

  The conversation turns to other topics, like Portland and its nightlife, about keeping Portland weird.

  He's so easy to talk to, as long as he doesn't pry, I can pretend that tonight I'm not damaged, and he'll never know. It's a simple date, and it's nice to get out, no pack dynamics, just an omega out with an alpha, as though everything is right with the world.

  His scent is delicious, woodsy, as though the forest is in his blood. His body looks as delicious as the steak that no longer exists on my plate. I think in another lifetime, if things had turned out different for me, maybe there could be something more between us. But with what's happened to me, well, it's not good. If he were to find out, he would run.

  “Hey, Caleb, you still here?”

  “Hmm, what?" I realize he's been talking while I have sat here, enjoying the scent of him, enjoying staring at that rugged, masculine face that sings like a wolf snarling in a rut. I want to tell him how sexy he is, but I can't. "Oh... just my friend Ben would be so jealous right now." It's a quick lie from what I'm really thinking, turning his and my attention away from how attracted to him I am.

  "Ah, that's your buddy from the other night. Yeah, I kind of gathered that about him." He leans forward, and all conspiratorially. "To tell you the truth? He's not my type."

  "Are you kidding? He's everybody's type – he reminds me all the time. You might not have realized it, but he's like, the ultimate omega."

  "The ultimate omega, huh? Did I get my signals mixed and ask out the wrong guy? I mean, because I thought I had my eyes on the ultimate omega."

  "Yes sir, you totally blew it. You're stuck with me toni
ght like the wrong swipe on a tinder date. Sorry buddy, but thanks for the steak."

  He reaches out to take my hand. His fingers brush my knuckles, and I want to let them stay, but I can’t.

  I jerk away.

  He leans back as though I've just bitten him.

  "Sorry," I say "it's just..."

  "No, don't apologize. I should be the one saying I'm sorry. I guess, well, I'm really enjoying your company. I'm overstepping."

  I finish off the end of my wine in one quick gulp.

  "Let’s get out of here," he says, rising.

  At the moment, I'm hating myself. I've just ruined the perfect date. But it's better this way, to shoot him down.

  CHAPTER 8 – TREY

  Caleb’s such an interesting omega, full of secrets, yet he acts like his life is an open book. It's like he has two identities, the one he's willing to show, and the one that he's... afraid of? How is that? We shifters are beings of duality as it is, and yet I feel like there's a third spirit within him, one no one else is allowed to see.

  I want to romance him, but he won't let me. The way he jerked away from my touch, I admit, it hurt my feelings. There's something else to Caleb. I can tell he's enjoying my company, and I swear he acts as though he's into me, as though he really likes me.

  How badly has somebody treated him? I really wanted to ask, but the look on his face when I hint at personal questions borders on sheer terror. God, I hope he’s not seeing someone else. I hope he’s not cheating, but I don’t smell another alpha on him.

  I cannot wrap my mind around this. What is he so afraid of? What doesn't he want me to know?

  After I pay, I want to offer him my arm, but I can see he doesn't want the touch.

  I, on the other hand, do. I want that feeling of companionship. I want to feel like I'm with someone, if only for one night.

  Yet now, my heart does ache, but not for me. My heart aches for him. Where I previously wanted a taste of his heartache, to make it my own, I find myself wanting to wrap my arms about him and tell him everything’s okay, that everything will be okay. But I can imagine how that would go. He would bite my face off. His defenses are so thick I'm surprised he even called me. He's hurt, afraid, and yet so desperate for love.

  This Caleb is a mystery.

  "I had a wonderful time," he says, "Seriously, it's nice to get out, get away from the same old pack. Maybe I'll catch your show again."

  "What?" I ask, and I'm seriously genuinely confused. "That was just dinner. You don't have somewhere else you need to be, do you?"

  Caleb blinks and lowers his head, unable to hide his shame.

  "Hey, there's no hurry," I continue, "Let's just walk, shall we? Portland's just as weird at night as it is in the daytime. And if you believe the rumors, even weirder."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Yeah, it’s like Portland’s theme. New York has apples, Chicago the wind…”

  “No, I mean, you still want this date to continue?”

  His sad eyes almost break my heart. “I don't want to go home yet,” I say, “If we end the date now, I'll just go home and do push-ups or something. You know, depressed alpha stuff."

  That makes him snort again. I find that little quirk strangely cute, fascinating. I can tell it embarrasses him, and it only is because he can't laugh. Or he's subconsciously doing it to sabotage the date. Well it's not going to work on me. This mystery, I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

  And damn, he's got a cute bottom.

  His omega scent, sweet like honey, almost drives me crazy. What do I have to do to get through to this man?

  "We could go down by the riverfront and shift," I suggest.

  "No," he says hurriedly, "Not tonight."

  "Okay," I reply. A shifter that doesn't want to shift. Still so strange.

  Caleb has a look in his eyes that's almost pleading. "Can we just walk?"

  "Walk. Sure."

  There's something strange about walking with a date that I can't touch, if only to hold arms, or brush fingers. Is he scared of me? That would be preposterous. Instead I ask, "So, what has Mack told you about me?"

  He smiles. "Well, he warned us to stay away from you, that you're a bastard."

  "What? Well, that hurts my feelings. I thought we were friends."

  Caleb bites his lip. He's holding back a smile, so I glare.

  "What?" I ask, "Tell me. What else did he say?"

  He stops and crosses his arms. He looks me in the eye, as though he's fighting the urge to look anywhere else but at me. "He says you have a little pecker."

  I burst out laughing. "He did, did he? Well, I assure you, it's a very impressive alpha cock. One I'm very proud of, too. Why the Hell was he talking about my dick?"

  Caleb rolls his eyes. "Ben."

  "Ah, Ben. Well, Mack doesn't know what he's talking about."

  "If you say so."

  I look up and down the street. "If I have to prove it to you..."

  "No, that's okay."

  "Seriously, it'll just take a second."

  Caleb stares at my crotch, all the while telling me no, that he doesn't want to see it. His big grin tells me that he's having plenty of fun with this, regardless of not wanting my touch. I'm half-tempted to pull my pants down and show him anyway. Then every time Mack discusses my cock, he's going to do that beautiful blush.

  In fact, I'm more than tempted. I can see he's attracted to me. I can see he's turned on, too. The bulge in his pants gives him away. And more than that, I can smell his omega juices starting to flow. He's turned on.

  That scent, well, this date is going the right way, despite how he hides it.

  And that makes me bold. I step toward him. He puts up his hands to push me away. I let out a light growl, as though daring him to resist me. I watch as his breath catches in his throat, as he goes to war with himself. I, however, am going to knock that goddamn wall down.

  He places his hands against my chest as I enter his personal space. He backs up until his back hits a building, but I don't stop. I bring my face to his and pause, less than an inch away. His breath is frozen in his throat, but mine is hot and heavy with lust.

  I'm not going to force myself upon him, I'm not that kind of alpha. I don't force any omega. But I am going to take something. I’m going to take a kiss.

  "No," he says, "I can't."

  "What are you so afraid of?"

  "I'm not."

  "Bullshit."

  "Fuck you."

  I grab his chin and he flinches. A past abusive relationship? I don't tighten my fingers, but I hold him gently, not letting him look away. "I'm going to kiss you," I say.

  "Please don't."

  "Only if you tell me you don't want to. Tell me you don't want to kiss me. Because I want to kiss you."

  "I do. It's just..."

  "Then that's all there is to it."

  Before he can ruin the moment rationalizing his argument, I press my lips to his. I kiss him deeply, gently, and suddenly I am no longer aware of the chill of the night. I am no longer aware of wanting to find heartache. There's not even music for once, playing in my head. It feels like the entire universe is holding its breath with Caleb, as though it too wonders where this will take us. My hands are on his chest, on his side. He's a furnace to my touch, so hot.

  He trembles.

  His lips part and our tongues meet.

  And just like that, his wall, his defenses, they're gone, and he melts against me. His body presses against mine, and his hands grip my arms, tightly, squeezing my biceps with a desperation and intensity that makes my knees nearly buckle.

  I sense his desire to be loved so strongly, he reminds me of a drowning man gasping for air.

  I've never kissed anyone with such a passion, and he steals my breath. Our tongues dance as though they’re reunited lovers separated for an eternity. He sets a fire in my core that threatens to consume me, and I want him, want him completely, more than I've ever wanted anyone. I want him, I want him to be mine, I wan
t to love him and hold him and write songs for him to tell him how much I worship him. I want to claim him, make him my omega, and no one else’s.

  And this kind of desire could ruin both of us.

  I slide my hands around him, pulling him tightly against my body. I can feel his desire pressing tightly against mine. I'm a few inches taller than him, and my cock aches for him. I would take him right here, right now, on the side of the street, but I imagine the pedestrians wouldn't go for that. He moans against my mouth and pushes me away, gently, but insistently. Though I hate to break the kiss, I let him go.

  Caleb blinks rapidly, but it doesn't stop a tear from escaping.

  "Are you okay?"

  He sniffs and wipes the tear away. "I'm sorry."

  "Stop apologizing."

  "Okay, sorry, I just... I do like you. But, I think I need to go."

  Just like that, his walls are back in place. Yes, he let his defenses down, just for a moment. I can't even imagine who or what has hurt him.

  "Okay," I say, "Let's head back."

  We walk to my car, and this time, I don't let him pull away. I put my arm around his waist, and even though he tenses, I don't let him go. He stops walking and looks up at me, vulnerable and unsure of himself.

  "You know," I say, "It's okay to enjoy yourself."

  He leans in against me, a sort of half-way hug, and lets me guide him to the car.

  He's more relaxed, in some ways, and as I walk around to the driver’s side, I can't help but wonder if I've chased him away. Did I just destroy any hope I had of getting close to him?

  But damn, how slow does a guy have to move to make him comfortable? As I slide behind the steering wheel, I catch his eye and I see that sadness, an overwhelming, deep-seated soul-shattering sadness that nearly consumes him.

  I can't help but think maybe moving slow might be worth it.

  CHAPTER 9 - CALEB

  I hug myself on the drive home. Trey doesn't say anything, and neither do I. I want to know more than anything what he's thinking. I know I shouldn't have pushed him away. And he's right, I should allow myself to have some fun. I do have fun, but not in a relationship. I don't think anyone will ever love me again.