Alpha Song

by Nika Lucas

  "You're trembling," he says.

  I can only shake my head. I am terrified. I want to stop. I don't want to stop. I don't know what I want. I want him. God, yes, I do. My ass muscles twitch, eager to feel him enter me.

  He places the tip of his big alpha cock against my hole, into the slick. My ass quivers, eager to take him. How can I be so turned on and eager, yet so terrified at the same time? How can I still want more after he's sucked me off?

  All I know is despite everything, I want to feel him inside of me, I want to be his.

  He pushes in, and though my ass muscles clench at first, he pushes so gently I find myself relaxing, eagerly accepting him.

  There's no pain, only pleasure, the gentle feel of an understanding lover making me his.

  "Yes," I say breathily. He doesn't scratch, he doesn't choke or punch. Just that gentle rhythm of another man, an alpha, joining with me.

  As he thrusts, his cock rubs my magic spot, sending waves of pleasure through me with each gentle thrust. When one of his hands closes around my cock, I realize he's rekindled my desire, and I'm hard and eager again.

  He thrusts, increasing his rhythm. His eyes are beautiful, glowing golden in the dim light of the room. He strokes me in time with his movement. I grip the sheets tight as I feel him moving me toward another orgasm, different from the first, ignited in my core.

  I bite my lip to keep from screaming. It builds as a moan, and then I can fight it no longer. I scream his name.

  I feel him tense and start to swell.

  "I have to pull out or I'm going to knot," he says.

  I don't care. This is unlike any lovemaking I've ever experienced. In contrast to the brutal lovemaking of Andrew, this is heaven. I've never experienced something so wonderful. I never knew what lovemaking could be. In this rare moment, I can feel him cleansing my soul, chasing away my demons, showing me something I no longer believed in. In this moment, I need him to finish. I need him to claim me, fill me with his seed. If he does, maybe I can heal, maybe I'll no longer need to be afraid.

  "No, please, don't stop."

  "Cal," he pants, "I have to."

  He starts to slide out. I sit up, as awkward as that is, and grab his arms. I thrust my hips hard against, him, and then it is he who has to bite his lip.

  I thrust harder and harder, forcing him into me, deep, driving me toward climax.

  Driving him toward orgasm.

  He swells, and I realize, no matter how bad I want him to stay inside me, neither of us are ready to be fathers. Trey is fighting it with everything he has, focusing on thrusting, and probably thinking about baseball as hard as anyone can to keep from knotting, to keep from cumming.

  No. I can’t do this. Not when he can’t love me. I would destroy us both.

  Though I don't want him to pull out, though I want him to stay a part of me, to experience climaxing together, fear penetrates the pleasure. If he were to impregnate me, he would eventually see me how I really am. He would see the damage.

  I cannot be his mate.

  "Pull out," I say, hoping it's not already too late.

  I fall back on the sheets and he takes this as his opening and slides from my ass.

  At this point he's pushed me over the edge. He's got me in one hand and himself in the other, pumping both our cocks in rhythm.

  I let out a long moan as he pumps me to climax - again - squirting my cum across my stomach. Almost simultaneously, he climaxes too, squirting his seed across my chest and stomach, mixing our jiz together. I laugh and try to catch my breath at the same time, hoping he doesn’t know my tears are anything else but happiness.

  "Damn," he says, " You nearly made me lose control."

  "I'm sorry, it just felt... right. I know we hardly know each other."

  I sit up, staring at the huge mess sliding down my torso. He grabs the edge of the sheets and wipes it off. "I'll change them tomorrow," he says, and collapses on the bed next to me.

  "Thank you," I say, and kiss him. He kisses me back, one hand lightly pressed against my cheek.

  He wipes my cheek and asks, "Is this a tear?"

  "Don't make fun of me," I say, suddenly going on the defensive.

  "I would never. But... are you okay? I didn't hurt you, did I?"

  "No," I say, and then I laugh. He looks at me in confusion as though I've suddenly gone crazy. "Sorry. No, you didn't hurt me. It was wonderful. It's how I always thought it was meant to be."

  I collapse on his pillow, and I feel myself drifting toward sleep, easily, for the first time in as long as I can remember, beneath his watchful gaze and within his protective arm.

  He worried that he might hurt me when he was so amazingly gentle, so amazingly beautiful.

  I love him suddenly so much that I fear the morning and how I will ruin everything.

  CHAPTER 11 - TREY

  It's how I always thought it was meant to be.

  Those words make my heart hurt. I stare at this beautiful man, this omega, and I see someone who must have been hurt beyond what I'd originally thought. I see a man who has trouble sleeping, haunted by a past that he won't talk about. I want to know more about him than I realize.

  Stick to the plan, a voice in my head says, don't get involved. Take him home in the morning, and tell him you'll call, sometime, someday.

  That’s a good plan, but there's another part of me that sees him as something more. He's someone who has difficulty trusting. He's someone who has forbidden himself the luxury of loving. If I intend to call this a one-night stand, then I might be in over my head. I want to protect him, I want to watch over him. This omega has come the closest to ruining my code.

  He triggers feelings within me that I don't understand. I feel as though we could have met years ago and I might've been happy to cross his path. This scent, the honey-sweet smell of his slick smells... burnt?

  He raises so many questions, questions I'm not even sure how to ask. To get to know him like how I originally hoped might actually make me lose myself.

  But... am I truly capable of giving my heart to anyone? I'd always thought I was too selfish. Yet, there's something about this vulnerable and beautiful man that makes think I might learn to care. That I might learn to... love.

  Woah, Trey, let's not get carried away.

  In sleep, in his post-coital glow, Caleb looks like he's actually at peace.

  For the first time.

  "Who hurt you?" I whisper. I brush his hair back behind his ear. "If I ever cross paths with him, I'll make him realize your pain."

  Caleb sighs in his sleep. He's out cold, as though he hasn't slept in weeks. I wrap him up in my arms and fall asleep next to him.

  * * *

  When the morning sun comes in through the window, his movement wake me up. He's trying to be careful so as not to wake me. At first, I think he's trying to slip away, on his way to a walk of shame.

  It wouldn't be the first time a guy's done that. Sometimes I've had lovers who only want the thrill of sleeping with a musician. It's both a gift and a curse, though one I'm comfortable with. Often as not, I'm happy to have a one-time lover leave.

  This time? Not so much.

  I sit up and blink the sleep from my eyes to bring him into focus. He picks up his shirt from the floor, and just as he slips it on, I catch a glimpse of scars.

  So many scars.

  "Cal? Caleb?"

  He pulls the shirt quickly down. "Oh, hey," he says.

  Do I say something or not?

  Damn it – I have to.

  "Caleb,” I say, keeping my voice soft, “Can I see?"

  "See what?" He acts coy, giving me an out. Giving himself some small measure of dignity.

  I crawl out of bed, not bothering to reach for my own clothes. I reach for his shirt and he instantly recoils, like I'm a snake.

  "It's okay," I say softly, "Trust me."

  He blinks. I realize he's fighting tears. That vulnerable man I thought I'd healed, that had found sanctuary in my arms, has ret
urned to the defensive individual from before.

  "I'm sorry," he says, "I can't."

  "Bullshit."

  He flinches, and I instantly regret my tone. It's difficult, though. I'm an alpha.

  "I – I have to go. Thank you for letting me stay here."

  He hurries from my room, fleeing, as though he fears my rejection. Whatever he's hiding, can it really be so horrible?

  I go after him. I catch him in the hallway and grab his arm, forcing him to stop.

  He turns, half-shifting, his mouth suddenly a deadly maw of teeth that snaps at my face.

  I nearly jump out of my skin, as though I'm facing down a werewolf. Even an omega, the wolf shifters on the bottom of the ladder, can be deadly if pushed into a corner.

  I let go, and he stands there, caught between fight or flight.

  I raise my hands in a show that I have no intention of fighting him. Still I wonder if I'll have to defend myself.

  "Damn, Caleb, easy. I'm here for you. Please, let me in."

  For a moment, I don't know what to expect. He's pissed and scared. My alpha blood goes into fight mode. I don't back down from a challenge nor a fight. Yet this battle is more complex than that. To win this fight isn't about going for the throat. This is a battle for his trust.

  I keep my hands raised, and I choose my words carefully.

  "Cal," I continue, "Whatever has happened to you, it's in the past. I'm here now. You trusted me last night, remember? Trust me now."

  He looks over his shoulder, and then back at me. I think, damn, he's still going to run, but then his shoulders slump as he makes up his mind. The wolf in his visage slips away, and he reverts to his full human appearance.

  "This is what I haven't been able to tell you," he says, grabbing the base of his shirt. He stares over my shoulder, refusing to look at me. Still, he doesn’t remove it. "I didn't want you to see this, because, I wanted to pretend like I could have a normal relationship for once. I know that's hard to understand, right? But I've been through a lot. I'm broken. Damaged beyond the capability of being loved. I know, once you know me, you'll never want to see me again."

  "Nothing's that bad," I say. As I go to step forward, I see him recoil. No, if I go to him now, he's going to run. He has to do this on his own.

  With a deep breath, he pulls his shirt off.

  I stare at his chest, at the crisscross of scars, old, yet deep enough I wonder if he'd had to have stitches. His face is one of shame, and he twists the shirt in his hands, wringing it as though he's strangling his feelings.

  There's a pattern there. It takes a second to see it because they are so numerous. They are in patterns of four. They are claw marks. But that's not all. There are bite marks as well, along his side, on his shoulders, on his chest.

  He turns slowly, and I see it covers his back as well. Whoever carved him up, whoever did this, made sure they weren't visible to others, unless he stripped. Whoever did this...

  "Someone's claimed you," I say. And my heart sinks. "Someone horrible."

  "Yes."

  "My god."

  He bites his lower lip and I see the pain and humiliation in his eyes. He still won’t look at me. Here is this wonderful, lovable omega shifter, brought low by some sadist.

  "Cal..."

  I step forward, the feeling to comfort and protect him so overwhelming, I don't care if he belongs to another alpha. I want to protect him, but I want to find who did this and rip him apart.

  He steps back, blocking my advance. "I really had a good time, last night was wonderful. I'm sorry that I deceived you. I just... I just wanted… never mind."

  "You wanted to feel safe," I say, "Loved."

  "Yes," he whispers.

  The scars, my god, there are so many.

  "How could another shifter do this? What kind of relationship were you in? Is he the one you're scared of? That he might be waiting for you?"

  He doesn't answer my flurry of questions right away. He pulls his shirt back on before answering. He walks over to a chair and collapses, holding his head in his hands.

  "He was handsome with this bad boy charm, and he stole my heart."

  "Why the hell did you stay with him?"

  He looks up from his hands and says, "Because I loved him. I would do anything for him. But once we became serious, he became cruel. He was so jealous, of everyone. He said he loved me and I believed him. Oh my god, I sound so stupid."

  I sit across from him. This was an abusive relationship, going much farther than I could even consider. "Did you try to leave him?"

  "Of course! But have you've never been in a relationship like that. He threatened to kill me. I'd often find him following or waiting for me, and I couldn't do anything."

  "Is he still out there?"

  Caleb shrugs and stares at the floor. He won't meet my eyes. "Maybe? Probably? I only got away because of Mack. If it weren't for my pack, I might be dead. Here I am, a shifter, and I can't even protect myself. He's left me torn, physically and mentally. I used you, Trey. I'm sorry. I just needed..."

  "Don't you apologize for that. Not ever."

  Cal's fighting tears. We're men, and we don't give in to our emotions. We don't cry. That's the nature of the world, what the world expects of us.

  And here's someone who needs to.

  I stand and go to him. This time, when he tries to push me away, I don't let him. I wrap him up in my arms and hold him tight, hold his head against my chest.

  "It's okay," I said, "He'll never hurt you again."

  "How do you know that?" he asks.

  I almost make a promise to him I can't keep. I almost promise him that I won't let him. But this bastard has claimed him, like they’re fated mates. What's worse is that I feel it too. He feels like he’s my omega, as though I've found my one, someone whom could see myself with for the rest of my life.

  And some monster stole him from me. I can't tell Caleb this. He probably feels it too, and that is why he allowed me through his defenses, if only for one night.

  He sobs against my chest, losing it. I stroke his hair, finding myself caring for this man on a level I've never experienced before. My entire code, to love and leave, to turn heartbreak into song, suddenly feels as cruel as these scars that Caleb wears.

  Suddenly I hate myself.

  So instead of saying what I'm afraid to, to promise what I should, I make a compromise with myself. "Stay here," I say, "Spend the day with me. I'm playing at a bar tonight, and I could use a familiar face in the audience. Until then, we can spend the day together, maybe go out to eat. Hell, we can order take-out."

  I think that this is good, a slow start. Let's begin as friends.

  But he pushes away and dries his eyes on the collar of his shirt. "That's all right. I'm catching up with the pack today. We're heading into the woods for a run. Maybe some other time?"

  "Sure, any time. That'd be great."

  But I hear the rejection in his voice. He's giving me a way out, and I get the feeling that he doesn't want another time. He's going for a run with his pack? No, he's running away from me.

  "Let me drive you home," I say, "I insist."

  "Thanks, but no. I really need to walk."

  He walks toward the door. If he's truly claimed by another, then there's nothing I can do about it. I can never win his heart.

  No.

  I don't believe it. I can win his heart. Fated mates cannot do this to each other. No two souls can join with such a level of abuse.

  I feel the pull of destiny as he walks away, that inevitable feeling that I'm about to lose the best thing that could happen to me in this life.

  So before he can get out the door, I spin him around and give him something to think about.

  I kiss him.

  His body goes rigid, tense, and I'm not sure whether I should expect him to bite my face off or punch me and flee.

  But then he melts against me, returning the kiss.

  When we part, he stares down at my chest, as though un
sure of what his next words should be. I completely understand the feeling. I'm experiencing the same thing.

  So we both settle for "Goodbye."

  I watch him walk down the sidewalk, heading east, and I wonder when I'm going to see him again.

  I vow, somehow, I'm going to win his heart.

  CHAPTER 12 - CALEB

  I'm running with my pack in the Tillamook National Forest, the sun is dropping lower, and though I try to lose myself in the wilderness, in the wash of smells and sights, and sounds, all I can think about is Trey.

  I've told my pack nothing, especially not Ben, but I detect the suspicion in Mack's gaze. I showered before I joined them, trying to wash away any scent of my lover, of Trey.

  Not that I want to. I'd carry his scent proudly. I want to remember him. But for right now, I don't want the pack to know.

  Unfortunately, Mack suspects.

  He has me follow him away from the others, down into a draw. It feels good to run as a wolf, free, without the worries of civilization, without the fears of what comes with being an urban wolf. Despite living in the city, we all need this, to get our blood flowing, to give in to nature, and more importantly, our nature.

  Mack turns, coming out of the draw, heading up the side of a mountain, chasing the rays as the sun begins to set. It's springtime in March, and snow lingers everywhere. He doesn't stop until he's found a sunny patch where the snow has melted away, where there is only drying mud and stone.

  There he shifts, taking once again the form of a man.

  I join him, knowing he wants to talk. He's suspicious, and though I don't wish to, I respect him as the pack's leader.

  Though we are miles and miles from the ocean, I swear I can still smell it from here. The smell of salt water mixes with the scent of the mountains, of the trees and animals, of the world about us. I hear the howl of the rest of the pack, giving chase, hunting. I long to join them. There is a freedom I only feel as a wolf. The wolf does not fear ex-boyfriends.

  I shift too. Mack knows my scars – the entire pack does – and though I'm not entirely comfortable around others without my clothing, times like these are different. We're here to be comfortable with what we are, with who we are, to not let the wolf fade away.