Single Woman Seeks Revenge: Another Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  “You’re insane,” he screeched. “Tell her to stop,” he shouted at Gareth.

  Gareth said nothing, just raised his eyebrows questioningly at Suzie.

  She bent forward to click onto the next slide.

  “This is the text that Alex has just received,” she explained to Gareth and Drew as three words appeared on the screen.

  ONE WORD – BOBBIT

  That was when Drew lost it. A sound erupted from his mouth like a small explosion, coughing and spluttering mixed with hysterical laughter at the sight of Alex’s ashen face. Gareth looked confused, glancing between the three of them in complete bewilderment. Suzie was quick to step in with an explanation.

  “For those of us unaware of the plight of Lorena Bobbitt I shall elaborate.” She changed the screen to show a newspaper clipping with the headline CRIMES BELOW THE BELT: PENILE REMOVAL AND CASTRATION. Gareth gasped as Suzie described the infamous Lorena Bobbitt of Virginia, USA, and her extreme reaction to her husband’s misdemeanours back in 1993.

  Taking Gareth’s subsequent smirk as positive, Suzie decided to press on whilst she appeared to be getting away with it.

  “And so finally lesson three,” said Suzie clicking onto her last slide.

  Lesson Three: Sex is a privilege and not a right

  Alex was by now speechless looking pleadingly at Gareth who had leant back in his chair as the smirk grew into a broad smile. Suzie walked around the table towards Alex who flinched as she brushed passed to take an object from the shelf behind him, covered by her best Cath Kidston tea towel. She placed it in front of him before whipping the towel off to reveal a full knife block. Alex whimpered when Suzie removed a large carving knife with a flourish.

  All three men were quiet now, a trace of fear flickering in their eyes. It felt as if the whole room were holding its breath until Suzie shrugged and put a reassuring hand on Alex’s shoulder, satisfyingly making him flinch again.

  “Don’t panic, I wouldn’t use this on you,” she said putting it back in the block.

  Alex sagged in his chair, emotionally exhausted.

  “I think this is more your size don’t you?” She pulled out a small vegetable peeler, made sure everyone had seen it, then slammed it on the desk in front of him before calmly walking back to the front of the room and turning to face her audience.

  “And that gentlemen, concludes my presentation,” she said. “Any questions?”

  A shocked silence hung in the room, no-one having been prepared for what had just taken place and therefore what should happen next.

  It was Drew who stood up first. Big hearty man claps filled the room as he positively beamed at Suzie.

  “Brilliant,” he said. “Just brilliant.”

  And to her absolute shock, Gareth stood up too and joined in with the spontaneous applause.

  “Not brilliant,” Gareth said. “Genius. That’s what that was. Absolute genius. Look at him. It’s every wronged woman’s dream to nail a man like that.” Alex was still sitting in his chair as white as a sheet, staring at the knife. A bead of sweat had formed on his forehead. Gareth banged the table with both fists. “I love it,” he cried. “It’s different, it’s controversial, it’s funny. A revenge column. That’s what we need.” He sat down abruptly as he tried to catch up with his racing thoughts. “It’s just so … so … what is it Drew?” he asked snapping his fingers in his direction.

  “Tabloid?” offered Drew.

  “Yes, that’s it. Tabloid,” he cried, getting up again and walking round the table to Suzie before taking her hands in his. “Please say you can you do that for other losers like you?” he asked.

  Suzie, reeling from being called a genius and a loser in the same breath by her boss, felt she had stepped into a parallel universe. She had quite expected to be sacked by the end of the day.

  “I can try,” she managed to say.

  “The male tortured masses of Manchester will be forever in your debt,” he said to her solemnly before turning and waving his finger at Alex.

  “As for you,” he said. “A list of potential advertisers by lunchtime. Get on the phone to Argos. See if they want to run a promo’ on kitchen knives.” He left a pause long enough for Alex to turn even whiter. “Just kidding,” he added, thumping Alex on the back. “No knives,” Gareth said to Suzie. “Lawyers wouldn’t like it.”

  “Okay,” she whispered wondering what on earth she had started.

  “Excellent,” replied Gareth looking at his watch. “Let’s adjourn shall we, I need to make some calls. Back here in half an hour.”

  He swept out of the room leaving Drew beaming at Suzie. He walked towards her and put both hands on her shoulders.

  “Brilliant,” he said yet again before he turned and left her alone with Alex.

  “Are you okay?” she couldn’t help but ask. He looked so weak and pathetic, almost as if he was about to throw up. He dragged his eyes away from the knife and looked at Suzie in a way she had never seen him look at her before. She stared back trying to work out what it was until finally it dawned on her that he was looking at her with a sense of total and utter awe.

  “Sorry will do,” she said to break the silence.

  “Sorry,” he said biting his lip and nodding his head. “I am sorry.”

  She got up slowly and walked towards him. How good did it feel to see him lean back in his chair, the fear having returned to his face. She paused for a moment before squeezing his shoulder to feel him flinch one more time. A grin filled her face and she walked out of the room her head held high.

  “One down, three to go,” she muttered.

  Chapter 5

  “I can’t believe you’ve never been here before,” said Suzie dragging Drew through the door of a frighteningly lively looking bar.

  He’d been more than happy to accept Suzie’s invitation to join him in a celebratory drink post work but had been expecting a nice quiet pint, not this. He felt his body tense as he took in some disturbing signals. Slightly too loud music. A rhythmic guitar sound that reminded him of miserable childhood holidays in Spain. Weird stuff everywhere including a fake palm tree in the corner and musical instruments hanging from the ceiling. Posters pasted onto an exposed brick wall advertising foreign looking beers next to postcards from faraway places. He jumped as he was almost knocked over by a swirling, whirling couple who were throwing their bodies around what he now recognised as a small dance floor. One look at the male half of the dancing duo confirmed his suspicions. The man’s dark Latino looks and lecherous stare down his companion’s cleavage told Drew he had indeed entered foreign territory. What on earth was Suzie thinking of bringing him to a Salsa Bar?

  “What on earth are you thinking of bring me to a Salsa Bar?” asked Drew as he plonked himself on a barstool next to Suzie. “Do I look like the kind of man who would enjoy coming to a place like this?”

  “Oh don’t be so miserable,” she said sliding a Dirty Martini over to him.

  He contemplated the dishwater that sat before him in a glass no man could ever be a man drinking out of. “Can’t I even have a beer?” he asked.

  “Nope,” she replied merrily. “It’s happy hour. Two for one.”

  He leaned forward and took a sip, screwing his face up as the bitter taste hit the back of his throat.

  “Can’t stay long,” he said looking at his watch. “Meeting Emily at the wedding venue later.”

  “No problem,” said Suzie beaming, still riding out her revenge high. “I just wanted to make sure that you knew how grateful I was that’s all.”

  “What for?” he asked taking another tentative sip.

  “For telling me to get my own back on Alex,” she said. “Actually more than that. For telling me I was capable of getting my own back on Alex.”

  “Did I?”

  “Yes you did. Yesterday. You said I know you can do it,” replied Suzie. “It really spurred me on.”

  “Right,” said Drew, a bit non-plussed.

  “And,” said Suzie ta
king a very large gulp of her drink, “I wanted to thank you for pointing out that all of my past loves were actually twats.”

  Drew mirrored Suzie’s large gulp before attempting a response. “Happy to be of service,” he said as he raised his glass to clink against hers. “My twat detection facilities are forever at your disposal.”

  “Funny you should mention that,” she said draining her glass and motioning to the barman for two top ups. She turned to face him and gripped his arm excitedly. “I might just need exactly those skills.”

  “You got a new bloke already?” he exclaimed. “Bloody hell Suzie that was quick work. Did you bring me here to check him out? Please tell me it’s not that pissed bloke over there dancing with a palm tree?”

  “No, of course not,” she replied. “Give me some credit. What I meant was that I might need you to help me track down my ex-twats.”

  “Why?” he asked warily.

  “Because,” she said pumping his arm up and down in excitement. “I’m going to get my revenge on them too.”

  He stared back at her. He wasn’t sure he’d heard her right. Perhaps the muddied waters of Dirty Martini might help clear his mind. He finished his first glass and took a confident swipe at his second.

  “Did you just say you were going to track down your ex-boyfriends and get your revenge?” he asked.

  “Yes,” she replied.

  “Why?” he asked again.

  “Because,” she said releasing his arm and looking at him so intensely he thought she might combust, “it feels absolutely bloody brilliant for the first time in my entire life to come out on top. Look at me,” she cried waving her hands around her head. “I’m so happy and I’ve just been dumped. How amazing is that? I’m not a gibbering wreck, Alex is. How brilliant is that?”

  “Well yes,” agreed Drew. “But …”

  “Imagine,” interrupted Suzie, “if you went back and did the same with all the others who’d made you suffer. To be able to look back, not with regret and bitterness but with utter pride that those relationships ended how you wanted them to. With them fully understanding how badly they’d behaved. With you having the last say.”

  The Dirty Martinis were not clearing his mind. He felt very confused. He took another large slug.

  “Do you really want to drag up the past?” he asked.

  “No,” she replied. “Just re-write it.”

  “I’m not sure I understand really,” he said.

  Of course you don’t understand,” she declared sounding a little frustrated. “Because it’s never happened to you has it? Most normal people get screwed up by a multitude of bad relationships before they meet the one. Apart from you who manages to bag his lady practically coming out of the womb. Of course you don’t understand because your heart is untainted by disappointment and pain. Do you have any idea how rare that is?”

  Drew was only half listening. He was busy trying to work out if it was him moving or the room. He could feel a vague swaying motion that was making him feel slightly nauseous.

  “For that matter,” continued Suzie. “Do you have any idea how rare you are? A man who doesn’t want to spend his time shagging anything that moves.”

  Now that was something he could comment on he decided.

  “I never wanted to have to dance to boy band music,” he stated firmly.

  “What are you talking about?” he heard Suzie ask through a woozy haze.

  “My mates had to humiliate themselves by dancing to boy band music just to get a shag. Can’t be worth it,” he said shaking his head solemnly.

  “Genius,” cried Suzie. “Take That kept you faithful.”

  “Yep,” replied Drew. “And alco-pops.”

  “Alco-pops?”

  “I watched them all have to buy copious amounts of alco-pops too. Soooo degrading.”

  “Drew, you are a legend,” she said slapping him on the back. “I’m sure Emily would be delighted to hear that all it took for you to stay in love with her for all these years has been the presence of cheesy music and bright pink alcohol in a bottle.”

  She picked up her glass and held it expectantly forcing him to raise his in a toast.

  “To you. The love expert,” she announced.

  “Hardly,” he replied raising his glass. Clink followed final gulp followed request for a toilet break.

  “Going for a slash,” he said sliding off his stool and walking a little unsteadily across the dance floor to the gents.

  “Bollocks,” he cried as he looked at his watch whilst drying his hands. He was going to be late meeting Emily and half drunk. He rushed back across the dance floor attempting to dodge the heaving throng of the tipsy post-work crowd. Just as he thought he’d made it he felt someone grab his hand and haul him backwards.”

  “It’s not boy-band music,” he heard Suzie shout in his ear as they were quickly surrounded by bouncing bodies. “You can’t help but want to dance to this.”

  Drew took in Suzie’s exuberant face and knew he had to disappoint her.

  “I don’t do dancing,” he shouted.

  “Of course you do,” she laughed, grabbing his hands and bouncing them up and down.

  “I don’t,” he said shaking his head firmly.

  “Emily won’t mind,” came the response.

  “We don’t do dancing,” he said.

  “What never?”

  “No.”

  “Time to learn,” she said pulling his arms so that his feet came unglued from the floor.

  He stared at Suzie who was twirling and whirling in front of him, giggling like a schoolgirl. He sighed and attempted a half-hearted hip sway which to his surprise grew into a full body sway such was the power of the now pounding music and the amount of intoxicating lubricant he had consumed.

  Suzie clapped her hands with glee at the sight of Drew succumbing to the music, and grabbed his hand swaying it backwards and forwards as though they were kids in the playground. She threw her head back and laughed with all the joy of someone on top of the world. So infectious was her elation that Drew couldn’t help but smile. Suzie leaned into him and shouted in his ear.

  “I can’t stop thinking about Alex sitting there looking petrified at a veg peeler.”

  Drew couldn’t help but join in her glee. Before long they were clutching each other, doubled up as they re-counted the day’s main event over the din of the music. Eventually they calmed down and Suzie coughed in an attempt to pull herself together.

  “Best laugh I’ve had in ages,” she said.

  “Me too,” he said. “Gotta go now.”

  “I know,” she replied. “Thanks. I mean it. Today wouldn’t have happened without you.”

  “Rubbish,” he replied. “I always knew threatening to cut off a man’s penis was in you.”

  She smiled. “Go on go,” she said. “Say hi to Emily for me.”

  “Will do,” he said and hugged her awkwardly before turning around and leaving her alone on the dance floor.”

  Chapter 6

  Drew could see Emily standing in the doorway of Ripton Manor when he finally pulled up in a taxi. The light radiating from the hallway behind her looked warm and inviting but Emily’s posture was definitely icy. Drew stumbled slightly as he fell out of the taxi. He hastily stuffed a crumpled note into the driver’s hand before turning and attempting to walk up the ten or so stone steps in what he hoped resembled a sober manner.

  A grand old clock was striking seven by the time he made it into the imposing hallway of the manor house. Emily had been replaced by Toby, his best man, who was laughing hysterically at him.

  “You are so in the shit you would not believe,” said Toby almost doubled over with mirth by the time Drew made it to the door.

  “Where did Emily go?” asked Drew as he struggled to take his coat off.

  “To inform the Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee you’ve finally rolled up. Christ I’m glad I came now. Seeing you fall from grace has been my lifelong ambition.”

  “Thanks,
” muttered Drew putting his coat on an antique chair. He knew he needed to pull himself together or Toby was going to have a field day.

  “Don’t mention it. It makes a nice change from me screwing up. Where have you been anyway? Not like you to be late?”

  “I’ve just been for a drink with Suzie. You remember her? She came to our engagement party.”

  “I do as it happens,” replied Toby.

  “Well it’s a long story but she was celebrating something and we went to that new Salsa place and I guess I had one too many and lost track of time.”

  “Oh, my God, this just gets better,” said Toby staring at Drew in excitement. “You’re late because you were out drinking with another woman. Bloody hell Drew this is awesome. This could be the best night of my life.”

  “Oh Christ. What am I going to say?” said Drew realizing how it looked for the first time.

  “Just lie mate, it’s easy,” replied Toby. “Crisis at work or something. Job done. I say it all the time.”

  “I can’t lie,” said Drew “In any case I haven’t got anything to lie about.”

  Toby stared at him for a moment. “If that’s what you think mate, then fine. We’ll go and test that ludicrous statement now shall we?”

  “He’s here,” announced Toby as they swept into an ornate and imposing ballroom. “No need to panic. He only got held up because he was having a drink with a female colleague in a bar where people go after work to get drunk and have a grope on the dance floor.”

  There was an audible gasp from the assembled party. A man in a navy suit and gold badge declaring him as Luke the Duty Manager held his hands over his mouth in horror. A young woman also in a navy suit with a gold badge declaring her to be Tammy the Wedding Co-ordinator went bright red and dropped her black notebook on the floor. Toby rubbed his hands together in glee as the inhabitants of the room collectively held their breath and awaited Emily’s response.

  “Suzie?” asked Emily calmly, her only visible sign of reaction being a slightly raised eyebrow and a light tapping of the fingers of her left hand.

  “How did you guess?” replied Drew reaching over to kiss her on the cheek. “Remember I told you yesterday that she’d split up with Alex? Well we went for a quick drink to celebrate because she got her own back by threatening him with a knife today.”